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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Sept. 20, 1908)
THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAX, PORTLAND, SEPTEMBER 20, 190S. 9 the mra, am (nc-pfyp nrpruirp frr)!!!1-1" UP !j irJiL IMJnl U H UIKJ VV UUI U LbLfA By mmim lemB. "It used to be a great responsibility to nave money in bulk," said the Hotel Clerk, "bat now It s a (treat risk. I'm (leu Fa not cursed with the awful stuff." "Well, as fur me. I wlsh't some enemy'd try to git even by dyln and leavin' me a few millions In real currency." said the I House Detective. "I'd try to bear up tinker tha affliction." "Not for mine," said the- Hotel Clerk. "My rood name and my lovable dlsposl tlon are about all I have, except thAt new Fall suit with the buttons running up the cuffs, and I feel that I can afford to be taking; any wide chances. guess you haven't heard what's happen trig- thes times to the people that hav the available money supply of the Unit ed States coralled?" "Just havin' the money Is enough. persisted the House Detective, "Gimme all the regular coin I could use and it wouldn't make no difference to me wo else happened." "Oh, yes, it would," said the Hotel Clerk. "You'd syitch to the gloom verse after Upton Sinclair and young; Mister Joe Med ill Tatterson and Professor Whatshtsname Herrick and the rest of them took their little whack at you. We used to waste our energies feeling sorry for the poor, but the time's come to spread a little sympathy for the rich. By Heavens, Iarry, if things keep on the way they're h ending now. It'll be the wealthy classes that'll suffer the most from exposure this Winter. "Tou're all right, as long as you're poor enough to be In what Is called comfort able circumstances, meaning by that that while you may not have any touring cars at your door you haven't got any wolves there either. Your only chance to ride at the front of the procession may be when you attend a funeral In the capacity of deceased. But while they're not hold lng a place for you next to the driver on top of the large red tableaux car drawn by IS snow-white steeds with looking glasses In tha sides, neither have they got you away back at the tail end of the parade Jammed In between the steam cal liope and the clown wagon. You mere ly pass by in one of the closed cages. and the populace at large don't know hether you're an Axis deer from Oen tral Asia or a collection of pale-blue reserved-seat stringers, and don't care a hang. "So, being as you are what you are, if you go home some night, packed to the hat, and offer your lady wife a reproof on the point of the Jaw and the Jartor runs out to look for a cop. and finds one, all you get Is a short paragraph in the early mail edition, with your name spelled wrong. The worst that can happen to you Is for the. New York Post or the Boston Transcript or some other weekly n.agaxtne that's printed every day, to make you the subject of an editorial d-aling with Intoxication as a contribu tory cause of class discontent among the lower orders of our population." "But suppose, on the other hand, your fortune is the kind that can only be ex pressed by a dollar-mark drum-major marching east at the head of a fife and THE WE.UL-TO-DO VIUI.AIN OF drum corps composed of a figure seven playing the fife and six naughts perform on the bass drum. What do they do. then. If you chance to let your foot slip a few Inches, owing to the sidewalks being so slippery at a quarter to 4 A. M.T Does or does not the head copy reader build up a headline as tall as a grape trellis on your account, the answer being that he does. And the paper goes into the Intimate history of your early life, proving that you were always consider able of a big dub, and the Sail Francisco correspondent digs up an uncle' that you never heard of in the San Quentin peni tentiary and eminent criminologists chart off your face, the same as if it was real estate, to show your low criminal char acteristics, and bright young reporters call you out of your bed at a quarter to 4 A. M.. to say the city editor sent 'em up to ask you If It's true that up until the time you m-ere 12 years old they had to throw you down and blow your nose by main force? "If you're poor, you don't contract a matrimonial alliance; you merely get married. Some evening you become sud denly Imbued with courage and you go up to the flat of the Only Girl On Earth and. Bitting there alongside of her on the lounge that ma got for trading stamps. under the soft light of the gift-coupon library lamp, you steal a moment, be tween the snores of her father, who's asleep in the dining-room with his feet on the fire-escape, and the splashing 1 sound made by her brother, who's taking a bath In the bathroom, opening off of the music room, to ask her if it's all right. And she says It Is, whereupon more than 9000 Invisible meadowlarks light on your ribs and begin to sing your soul to sleep- A couple of weeks later you take her by the hand and lead her quietly down to the dominie's, who's either a plain clothes preacher or on the uniformed force, depending on whether her folks came from the north of Ire land or the south, and the next day the Installment house Is assisting another young couple to prove that two can live as cheap as one. only they can't. But be that as it may, your household is eventually enriched by a little treasure that hasn't any teeth or hair, but is otherwise perfect in every way, and, al though It's probably the greatest thing that ever happened In the world the dally press, doesn't say anything about it. either in advance of the glad event or following It. "Only If you belong to one of the Hun dred Wealthiest Families It's different. Your courtship Is made about as private for you as Barnum & Bailey's grand en try. The lady -writers tell things about the young lady's trousseau that no gen tleman Is supposed to know unless he's a buyer for a white goods house, and print the pictures to prove It. At the wedding it takes the reserves from five police stations to restrain thousands of, strange ladies who want to undress your lovely bride as she emerges from the carriage in front of the church In order to see if the story about that Irl?h point lace at 11000 a yard is true or false. When there's an heir due you get a line of advance notices -that t)ie press agent of a burlesque troupe would give his right eye for. You might Just as. well be housekeeping In a glass snake charmer's cage in front of Madison-Square Garden. And It doesn't make any difference whether you like It or not. You're only a guy with money, and nobody pays any attention to your wishes except to laugh at them merrily. "If you run your automobile slow; the general public calls you a coward and saya 'Get a horse." If you run It fast they call you a speed maniac and say 'Get a rope.' If you save your dividends you re a tightwad: if you blow em you're a profligate and ought to have a trustee appointed for your person. You get only half as much for your money as anybody else and any time you feel lonely you can look back over . your shoulder and watch the private detec tives trailing along waiting for a chance to kick in on the blackmail. But the hardest blow of all has Just fallen. It's worse than anything that went before. The young gentlemen who write the best sellers are now starting to frizzle the sad-eyed butterfish who hasn't got any thing but currency. "It used to be that the villain of a novel was a low-browed ruffian with a breath that seemed to be constantly i rmmwA Comin' Through the Rye' and a disposi tion that was 'Way . Down Upon the Suwanee River. He resided in cheery attic lodgings where the bed clothes and the provisions mingled up together the same as they do In a flying squirrel's nest. and on awakening of a morning with a feeling of depression he elevated his spirits a few notches by knocking the map off of a Nancy Sikes girl who came in looking as if she's Just finished helping somebody trim a scow- He never by any chance had more than $11 on his person et one time and he acquired that by murdering an elderly lady In reduced circumstances named Apple Mary. "The nearest we eame to having a well-to-do villain was In melodrama, where he was a vile wretch made up with a complexion like a green lamp shade and .touches of gray at the temples, who spent large gobs of purely stage money defrauding the rightful heir at law. But now we're getting a correct slant on the appalling personal habits and customs of the Truly Rich, and we are beginning to recognize thenr for what they really are, thanks be to Master Sinclair who writes on the subject with all the freedom which he would use If he knew anything about it. and also Master Pat terson, who really ought to be able to furnish those of us who are on the out side looking in, with the accurate dope on the private life of the Smart Set or should I say Smarting? because' his family Is one of the oldest and proudest In our sister city of Chicago dating back, as it does, to the Cook County Golden Bra, about midway between Mrs. O'Learyis cow and the opening of the Marshall Field store. And now then to top off with we have this Professor Hewitt, emerging from his particular prairie dog burrow and cheeping" In a vociferous manner. Along about Novem ber, If this keeps up, I look to see the garbage contractor coming with a spade and a crock of chloride to remove what's left of New York society to the city dump. "I'll own up, Larry, I didn't suspicion It from my casual experience with such of the vuryvury wealthy as stop here. They seemed to me to be slightly peevish and somewhat unhappy but, generally speaking, harmless. The 3'oung women had the knack of putting on an $soo frock and making It look as if It cost J3, as contra distinguished from the shop girls who can put on the $S kind and make it look like JSOO. The young gentlemen were generally rather sappy propositions In British clothes, with foreheads that ran back abruptly, as if looking for an idea, or something, and anyway you sized 'em up they came under the head of piker, and It didn't make any difference If you spelled it 'pica,' like the printers. do, be cause either way it meant a small unim portant type. "It only goes to show how wrong a fel low can be. From the writings of Upton and Joe Medlll, I've been able to glean that the great captain of finance with the whiskers trimmed like twin Lombardy poplars on either side of a stone gate, doesn't keep his office In Wall street for the transaction of business. Far from It. It's a gilded den with sound-proof walls, where the lovely maiden from Saugertles, or other up-state points, is lured to her ruin. Society matrons show that self-preservation Is the first law of nature, and also of art, by enameling themselves without and pickling them selves within. All the young men In the Inner set are trying to commit suicide by drowning, but are making an inside Job of it, and mostly using vinous liquors for their rash act. Young girls, hardly out of their teens, but all the way out of the top part of their gowns, smoke at the table like defective flues and pass out a line of conversation that's a com bination of Jack's Tips on The Races, Three Weeks,' Chuck Connors and Tom Uwson's Succor Talks for Suckers. Even the simplest dinner party has the best effort of the late Emperor Lucullus look ing like a quick lunch in a prohibition community. lAIe is one large Scotch plaid souse. . 'So there you are, Larry. And I've made up my mind that even " if they should raise my salary to three thousand and make me assistant manager, I will never enter New York society." 'Me neither," said the House Detective. IN WHICH HE SHOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE PUBLIC HERO AND THE PRIVATE IDOL "D BY JIM NASIUM. AD." said the kid, "sometimes think that I'm in wrong. It' all right to talk about a ball player being a public idol, and the pop ulatlon turning handsprings and bust lng their thorax yelling his praises and all that, but you'll notice that there aren't many of this same population who are throwing conniption fits and slopping over with glad gab about a ballplayer's swell stunts who would feel exactly overcome with the honor of this ballplayer's presence at a swell blowout In his home. It's all right for these guys to come out to the grounds and All us ballplayers up with glad gab and shove It Into us that we're the bet piece of work that ever came wan dering down the pike, but let me tell you that It's a different story when you butt Into these 'guys after the sun goes down, when they're done up an open-faced suit and a high hat and a bunch of swell skirts hanging onto their wings. And Dad, It throws an awful Jolt into my pride to be cut dead by some skinny shrimp who has noth lng but sweetbreads under his hat. "Well, Kid." replied the Old Sport, "you can't afford to hold yourself re sponsible for the amount of Intelli gence that's dumped Into the world. The only thing you've got to look out for Is the amount that you have cor nered for your own home consumption. But let me hand you a tip that there's a possibility that these shrimps, as you call 'em. In the open-faced suits and high hats may have the right dope. The mere fact that you're pulling off stunts that gets the glad hand from the public doesn't say that your per sonality is a fit subject to introduce Into the family; not by a long shot. The trouble with a lot of you guys who have butted Into the public eye through ability In one certain direc tion Is that you neglect your other qualifications because you get It into your knot that you have a strangle hold on the world with the one the public applauds. "Take It from me. Kid, when the publlo gets up on Its hind legs and busts the wide canopy of heaven, open with glad hurrahs for some hero, I don't give a continental cuss whether he Is the shot-riddled hero of the bat tlefield or the cool-nerved pinch hitter of the baseball field, they are only ap plauding one qualification In that guy's makeup and not his personality. When It comes right down to casea, they are rot handing the glad gab to him at all, but to the stunt he has pulled off. Yet a thundering lot of you guys get It Into your knot.tbat It Is you, person- (TITZ TT- THTO-ltJ - ill Hill IV fiWT.mrnT-TWTO. jyvj A MUX 11 - TUUH-ANUl-inAJrlUU- nMur l n i.' -n-n true' -,'?" 1 11 ry v i i 1 1 1 1 u it 11 u w -' JlUHAuL-1 U-lIlLrdlUf-l i I UUF ULLLW Ul'l'. ally, who are giving; the publlo a con niption fit. "And let me tell you, ivia, mat right there Is where a thundering lot of heroes go on the bum. They lose sight of the fact that the public la merely applauding one action of theirs and on't give a brass-mounted continental bout them personally, and they get all swelled up over their personality till they have to get a gore run up the back of their vest to make room for the expansion. But you can take it from me straight. Kid, that it Is pos sible for a guy to be a public hero and a private dub at the same time. "The guy who makes a whole nation shut up shop and bust its larynx yell ing his name because he swam through a sea of blood with both legs shot off and a mlnle ball in his gizzard to kick the eternal daylights out of the enemy may not always be the sort of a guy you'd want loafing around the parlor when your lady friends drop in. Davy Crockett came pretty near being the whole cheese In the hero line at one time, but when he hit Washington so ciety he was a dub. Up at the Polo Grounds in New York Mike Donlin Is about the biggest piece of humanity tn the landscape, but lug him into a pink tea blowout at a swell Joint on Fifth avenue and Mike would be as small as the sporting column of a religious paper. . "Now let mo hand you a tip. Kid. It's all right to be a public hero, but it icn't enough. It doesn't matter how much the public is slopping over with glad gab about some certain stunt that you're strong on, the evenly balanced guy that you never hear about and who never gets his picture In the papers will put it all over you when you get 'behind the scenes. A guy may pull off stunts that will cause his name to be carved In the highest niche In the Hall of Fame and have the whole blamed country falling over each other to do him honor, but when it comes right down to cases the one we love best is the guy who carves his name on the hearts of his fellowmen, and we don't give a continental cuss whether he ever saw the Hall of Fame or not. "Yes, Kid, the guy this old dump of a world honors and the guy it loves are frequently two different individuals, rand don't you forget it. This may be tough on heroes, but It is a blamed good thing for the rest of the world. "And another thing. Kid there are a thundering lot of guys In this world who aren't exactly heroes who get tangled up on this honor dope. When a guy Is lucky enough to cop out s good Job and gets up In the world, the world naturally treats him with some deference out of honor to his position. But you'll butt into a thundering lot of these guys who hug the dope 'that It Is they personally who are copping the honor Instead of their Jobs. You'll And a bunch of bosses who think they're a blamed sight better than their employes, but let me tell you that In a thundering lot of cases it is only their position that commands the respect of the hirelings. The banker who has the business world hitting the brus sels with its knee caps when he butts in on It Is mighty apt to think that they are paying this homage to him, but. take it from me, it is only to his position. Personally they may have a blamed sight more respect for his Janitor. In military life you'll find a thundering lot of com- i mi ST 111 ME, OLD MO-MS-HQTHINCvRIIT-rW.FFATi manding officers who hug the dope that the privates are saluting them, but they are only saluting his office. ' "And so it is all the world over. Kid; If the guys who occupy positions of honor and the ones who are pulling off stunts that the world applauds would only get wise to the fact that It Is only to their positions or their special ability along one certain line that the world is taking off Its lid they'd be able to see how blamed small they are In other ways and not get so puffed up about It. "So, Kid, when the gang up at the ball grounds get up on Its hind legs and hands you the glad music for saving the game by pulling a liner out of the milky way In a pinch or slamming the leather to the palings with the bases full, don't get It Into your knot that they are applauding 'you, and that you Have a double-riveted cinch on their affections, because they are only paying homage to the stunt you pulled off, and don't give a continental cuss about you personally. To the gang In the bleachers you are only a piece of a baseball machine, and whether you're a .bank burglar or a saint. If you're there with the goods you're a hero, and if not you're a dub. "But don't get it into your knot for a minute that you can get away with the same stunt down on the avenue, because It's a different game they play down there. Just because some swell guy handed you the glad gab up at the ball park doesn't give you any license to ex pect him to plant a kiss on your mug when he butts Into yotl on the avenue. You've got to show a different brand of goods to make good with him in the so cial world. "So. my tip to you. Kid. and to all other public heroes as far as that is con cerned, is to foul off this Idea that he- cause the public honors your accomplish ments In one certain line you've got a cinch on the public idol Job. Don't trot outside of your class until you're In training to stand the' pace. Take It from me. Kid, when it comes to copping halos In the social game, the common, every day good fellow has the public hero skinned a city block." Bow to the Ohio Passport. Columbus, O., Dispatch. "With all due respect to the State Department at Washington, -u. C, and not at all resenting its determination to uonopollze the passport business," said Opha Moore, of the Governor's of fice, the other day, "I must say that those who have used our passports have testified that they wcr able to realize upon them when those issued at Washington, D. C were apparently valueless. One man. a friend of mine, was once stopped by officers in Ger many for overspeeding his automobile. When he showed the officer his Wanh- ngton, D. C, passport it nad no molli fying effect, but when that of the Governor of Ohio, with Its three-Inch caliber gold seal attached (we were al ways liberal In that regard), was flashed, the officer uncovered, bowed low. and begged the gentleman's pardon." Beautiful Things. Beautiful faces are those that weir It matters little if dark or fair Whole-souled honesty printed there. Beautiful eyes are those that show i.iKe crystal panes iino nmi m ...v a-"--. Beautiful thoughts that burn below. Beautiful lips are those whose words Leap from the heart like songs of birds Yet whose utterances x-rudence girds. ReatiHful hands are those that do Work that Is honest, brave and true. Moment by moment tne long au.y mruugu. Beautiful feet are those that go On kindly errands to and fro Down humblest ways, if God wills It so. Beautiful lives are those that bless Klient rivers of happiness. Whose hidden fountains but few may guess. . Alltl .
