THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAX, PORTLAND, SEPTEMBER 20, 190S.
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"It used to be a great responsibility to
nave money in bulk," said the Hotel
Clerk, "bat now It s a (treat risk. I'm
(leu Fa not cursed with the awful stuff."
"Well, as fur me. I wlsh't some enemy'd
try to git even by dyln and leavin' me
a few millions In real currency." said the I
House Detective. "I'd try to bear up
tinker tha affliction."
"Not for mine," said the- Hotel Clerk.
"My rood name and my lovable dlsposl
tlon are about all I have, except thAt
new Fall suit with the buttons running
up the cuffs, and I feel that I can
afford to be taking; any wide chances.
guess you haven't heard what's happen
trig- thes times to the people that hav
the available money supply of the Unit
ed States coralled?"
"Just havin' the money Is enough.
persisted the House Detective, "Gimme
all the regular coin I could use and it
wouldn't make no difference to me wo
else happened."
"Oh, yes, it would," said the Hotel
Clerk. "You'd syitch to the gloom verse
after Upton Sinclair and young; Mister
Joe Med ill Tatterson and Professor
Whatshtsname Herrick and the rest of
them took their little whack at you. We
used to waste our energies feeling sorry
for the poor, but the time's come to
spread a little sympathy for the rich.
By Heavens, Iarry, if things keep on the
way they're h ending now. It'll be the
wealthy classes that'll suffer the most
from exposure this Winter.
"Tou're all right, as long as you're poor
enough to be In what Is called comfort
able circumstances, meaning by that that
while you may not have any touring cars
at your door you haven't got any wolves
there either. Your only chance to ride
at the front of the procession may be
when you attend a funeral In the capacity
of deceased. But while they're not hold
lng a place for you next to the driver on
top of the large red tableaux car drawn
by IS snow-white steeds with looking
glasses In tha sides, neither have they
got you away back at the tail end of the
parade Jammed In between the steam cal
liope and the clown wagon. You mere
ly pass by in one of the closed cages.
and the populace at large don't know
hether you're an Axis deer from Oen
tral Asia or a collection of pale-blue
reserved-seat stringers, and don't care a
hang.
"So, being as you are what you are, if
you go home some night, packed to the
hat, and offer your lady wife a reproof
on the point of the Jaw and the Jartor
runs out to look for a cop. and finds one,
all you get Is a short paragraph in the
early mail edition, with your name spelled
wrong. The worst that can happen to
you Is for the. New York Post or the
Boston Transcript or some other weekly
n.agaxtne that's printed every day, to
make you the subject of an editorial
d-aling with Intoxication as a contribu
tory cause of class discontent among the
lower orders of our population."
"But suppose, on the other hand, your
fortune is the kind that can only be ex
pressed by a dollar-mark drum-major
marching east at the head of a fife and
THE WE.UL-TO-DO
VIUI.AIN OF
drum corps composed of a figure seven
playing the fife and six naughts perform
on the bass drum. What do they do.
then. If you chance to let your foot slip
a few Inches, owing to the sidewalks
being so slippery at a quarter to 4 A. M.T
Does or does not the head copy reader
build up a headline as tall as a grape
trellis on your account, the answer being
that he does. And the paper goes into
the Intimate history of your early life,
proving that you were always consider
able of a big dub, and the Sail Francisco
correspondent digs up an uncle' that you
never heard of in the San Quentin peni
tentiary and eminent criminologists chart
off your face, the same as if it was real
estate, to show your low criminal char
acteristics, and bright young reporters
call you out of your bed at a quarter to
4 A. M.. to say the city editor sent 'em
up to ask you If It's true that up until
the time you m-ere 12 years old they had
to throw you down and blow your nose
by main force?
"If you're poor, you don't contract a
matrimonial alliance; you merely get
married. Some evening you become sud
denly Imbued with courage and you go
up to the flat of the Only Girl On Earth
and. Bitting there alongside of her on the
lounge that ma got for trading stamps.
under the soft light of the gift-coupon
library lamp, you steal a moment, be
tween the snores of her father, who's
asleep in the dining-room with his feet
on the fire-escape, and the splashing
1 sound made by her brother, who's taking
a bath In the bathroom, opening off of
the music room, to ask her if it's all
right. And she says It Is, whereupon
more than 9000 Invisible meadowlarks
light on your ribs and begin to sing your
soul to sleep- A couple of weeks later
you take her by the hand and lead her
quietly down to the dominie's, who's
either a plain clothes preacher or on the
uniformed force, depending on whether
her folks came from the north of Ire
land or the south, and the next day the
Installment house Is assisting another
young couple to prove that two can live
as cheap as one. only they can't. But
be that as it may, your household is
eventually enriched by a little treasure
that hasn't any teeth or hair, but is
otherwise perfect in every way, and, al
though It's probably the greatest thing
that ever happened In the world the
dally press, doesn't say anything about
it. either in advance of the glad event
or following It.
"Only If you belong to one of the Hun
dred Wealthiest Families It's different.
Your courtship Is made about as private
for you as Barnum & Bailey's grand en
try. The lady -writers tell things about
the young lady's trousseau that no gen
tleman Is supposed to know unless he's
a buyer for a white goods house, and
print the pictures to prove It. At the
wedding it takes the reserves from five
police stations to restrain thousands of,
strange ladies who want to undress your
lovely bride as she emerges from the
carriage in front of the church In order
to see if the story about that Irl?h point
lace at 11000 a yard is true or false. When
there's an heir due you get a line of
advance notices -that t)ie press agent of
a burlesque troupe would give his right
eye for. You might Just as. well be
housekeeping In a glass snake charmer's
cage in front of Madison-Square Garden.
And It doesn't make any difference
whether you like It or not. You're only
a guy with money, and nobody pays any
attention to your wishes except to laugh
at them merrily.
"If you run your automobile slow; the
general public calls you a coward and
saya 'Get a horse." If you run It fast
they call you a speed maniac and say
'Get a rope.' If you save your dividends
you re a tightwad: if you blow em
you're a profligate and ought to have a
trustee appointed for your person. You
get only half as much for your money
as anybody else and any time you feel
lonely you can look back over . your
shoulder and watch the private detec
tives trailing along waiting for a chance
to kick in on the blackmail. But the
hardest blow of all has Just fallen. It's
worse than anything that went before.
The young gentlemen who write the best
sellers are now starting to frizzle the
sad-eyed butterfish who hasn't got any
thing but currency.
"It used to be that the villain of a
novel was a low-browed ruffian with a
breath that seemed to be constantly
i rmmwA
Comin' Through the Rye' and a disposi
tion that was 'Way . Down Upon the
Suwanee River. He resided in cheery
attic lodgings where the bed clothes and
the provisions mingled up together the
same as they do In a flying squirrel's nest.
and on awakening of a morning with a
feeling of depression he elevated his
spirits a few notches by knocking the map
off of a Nancy Sikes girl who came in
looking as if she's Just finished helping
somebody trim a scow- He never by
any chance had more than $11 on his
person et one time and he acquired that
by murdering an elderly lady In reduced
circumstances named Apple Mary. "The
nearest we eame to having a well-to-do
villain was In melodrama, where he was
a vile wretch made up with a complexion
like a green lamp shade and .touches of
gray at the temples, who spent large
gobs of purely stage money defrauding
the rightful heir at law.
But now we're getting a correct slant
on the appalling personal habits and
customs of the Truly Rich, and we are
beginning to recognize thenr for what they
really are, thanks be to Master Sinclair
who writes on the subject with all the
freedom which he would use If he knew
anything about it. and also Master Pat
terson, who really ought to be able to
furnish those of us who are on the out
side looking in, with the accurate dope
on the private life of the Smart Set
or should I say Smarting? because' his
family Is one of the oldest and proudest
In our sister city of Chicago dating back,
as it does, to the Cook County Golden
Bra, about midway between Mrs.
O'Learyis cow and the opening of the
Marshall Field store. And now then to
top off with we have this Professor
Hewitt, emerging from his particular
prairie dog burrow and cheeping" In a
vociferous manner. Along about Novem
ber, If this keeps up, I look to see the
garbage contractor coming with a spade
and a crock of chloride to remove what's
left of New York society to the city
dump.
"I'll own up, Larry, I didn't suspicion
It from my casual experience with such
of the vuryvury wealthy as stop here.
They seemed to me to be slightly peevish
and somewhat unhappy but, generally
speaking, harmless. The 3'oung women
had the knack of putting on an $soo frock
and making It look as if It cost J3, as
contra distinguished from the shop girls
who can put on the $S kind and make it
look like JSOO. The young gentlemen were
generally rather sappy propositions In
British clothes, with foreheads that ran
back abruptly, as if looking for an idea,
or something, and anyway you sized 'em
up they came under the head of piker,
and It didn't make any difference If you
spelled it 'pica,' like the printers. do, be
cause either way it meant a small unim
portant type.
"It only goes to show how wrong a fel
low can be. From the writings of Upton
and Joe Medlll, I've been able to glean
that the great captain of finance with the
whiskers trimmed like twin Lombardy
poplars on either side of a stone gate,
doesn't keep his office In Wall street for
the transaction of business. Far from
It. It's a gilded den with sound-proof
walls, where the lovely maiden from
Saugertles, or other up-state points, is
lured to her ruin. Society matrons show
that self-preservation Is the first law of
nature, and also of art, by enameling
themselves without and pickling them
selves within. All the young men In the
Inner set are trying to commit suicide
by drowning, but are making an inside
Job of it, and mostly using vinous liquors
for their rash act. Young girls, hardly
out of their teens, but all the way out of
the top part of their gowns, smoke at
the table like defective flues and pass
out a line of conversation that's a com
bination of Jack's Tips on The Races,
Three Weeks,' Chuck Connors and Tom
Uwson's Succor Talks for Suckers. Even
the simplest dinner party has the best
effort of the late Emperor Lucullus look
ing like a quick lunch in a prohibition
community. lAIe is one large Scotch plaid
souse. .
'So there you are, Larry. And I've
made up my mind that even " if they
should raise my salary to three thousand
and make me assistant manager, I will
never enter New York society."
'Me neither," said the House Detective.
IN WHICH HE SHOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE PUBLIC HERO AND THE PRIVATE IDOL
"D
BY JIM NASIUM.
AD." said the kid, "sometimes
think that I'm in wrong. It'
all right to talk about a ball
player being a public idol, and the pop
ulatlon turning handsprings and bust
lng their thorax yelling his praises and
all that, but you'll notice that there
aren't many of this same population
who are throwing conniption fits and
slopping over with glad gab about a
ballplayer's swell stunts who would
feel exactly overcome with the honor
of this ballplayer's presence at a swell
blowout In his home. It's all right for
these guys to come out to the grounds
and All us ballplayers up with glad
gab and shove It Into us that we're the
bet piece of work that ever came wan
dering down the pike, but let me tell
you that It's a different story when
you butt Into these 'guys after the sun
goes down, when they're done up
an open-faced suit and a high hat and
a bunch of swell skirts hanging onto
their wings. And Dad, It throws an
awful Jolt into my pride to be cut dead
by some skinny shrimp who has noth
lng but sweetbreads under his hat.
"Well, Kid." replied the Old Sport,
"you can't afford to hold yourself re
sponsible for the amount of Intelli
gence that's dumped Into the world.
The only thing you've got to look out
for Is the amount that you have cor
nered for your own home consumption.
But let me hand you a tip that there's
a possibility that these shrimps, as you
call 'em. In the open-faced suits and
high hats may have the right dope.
The mere fact that you're pulling off
stunts that gets the glad hand from
the public doesn't say that your per
sonality is a fit subject to introduce
Into the family; not by a long shot.
The trouble with a lot of you guys
who have butted Into the public eye
through ability In one certain direc
tion Is that you neglect your other
qualifications because you get It into
your knot that you have a strangle
hold on the world with the one the
public applauds.
"Take It from me. Kid, when the
publlo gets up on Its hind legs and
busts the wide canopy of heaven, open
with glad hurrahs for some hero, I
don't give a continental cuss whether
he Is the shot-riddled hero of the bat
tlefield or the cool-nerved pinch hitter
of the baseball field, they are only ap
plauding one qualification In that guy's
makeup and not his personality. When
It comes right down to casea, they are
rot handing the glad gab to him at all,
but to the stunt he has pulled off. Yet
a thundering lot of you guys get It
Into your knot.tbat It Is you, person-
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ally, who are giving; the publlo a con
niption fit.
"And let me tell you, ivia, mat right
there Is where a thundering lot of
heroes go on the bum. They lose sight
of the fact that the public la merely
applauding one action of theirs and
on't give a brass-mounted continental
bout them personally, and they get all
swelled up over their personality till
they have to get a gore run up the
back of their vest to make room for
the expansion. But you can take it
from me straight. Kid, that it Is pos
sible for a guy to be a public hero and
a private dub at the same time.
"The guy who makes a whole nation
shut up shop and bust its larynx yell
ing his name because he swam through
a sea of blood with both legs shot off
and a mlnle ball in his gizzard to kick
the eternal daylights out of the enemy
may not always be the sort of a guy
you'd want loafing around the parlor
when your lady friends drop in. Davy
Crockett came pretty near being the
whole cheese In the hero line at one
time, but when he hit Washington so
ciety he was a dub. Up at the Polo
Grounds in New York Mike Donlin Is
about the biggest piece of humanity tn
the landscape, but lug him into a pink
tea blowout at a swell Joint on Fifth
avenue and Mike would be as small as
the sporting column of a religious
paper.
. "Now let mo hand you a tip. Kid.
It's all right to be a public hero, but
it icn't enough. It doesn't matter how
much the public is slopping over with
glad gab about some certain stunt that
you're strong on, the evenly balanced
guy that you never hear about and
who never gets his picture In the
papers will put it all over you when
you get 'behind the scenes. A guy may
pull off stunts that will cause his name
to be carved In the highest niche In the
Hall of Fame and have the whole
blamed country falling over each other
to do him honor, but when it comes
right down to cases the one we love
best is the guy who carves his name on
the hearts of his fellowmen, and we
don't give a continental cuss whether
he ever saw the Hall of Fame or not.
"Yes, Kid, the guy this old dump of a
world honors and the guy it loves are
frequently two different individuals, rand
don't you forget it. This may be tough
on heroes, but It is a blamed good thing
for the rest of the world.
"And another thing. Kid there are a
thundering lot of guys In this world who
aren't exactly heroes who get tangled up
on this honor dope. When a guy Is
lucky enough to cop out s good Job and
gets up In the world, the world naturally
treats him with some deference out of
honor to his position. But you'll butt
into a thundering lot of these guys who
hug the dope 'that It Is they personally
who are copping the honor Instead of
their Jobs. You'll And a bunch of bosses
who think they're a blamed sight better
than their employes, but let me tell you
that In a thundering lot of cases it is
only their position that commands the
respect of the hirelings. The banker who
has the business world hitting the brus
sels with its knee caps when he butts in
on It Is mighty apt to think that they
are paying this homage to him, but. take
it from me, it is only to his position.
Personally they may have a blamed sight
more respect for his Janitor. In military
life you'll find a thundering lot of com- i
mi ST 111 ME, OLD
MO-MS-HQTHINCvRIIT-rW.FFATi
manding officers who hug the dope that
the privates are saluting them, but they
are only saluting his office. '
"And so it is all the world over. Kid; If
the guys who occupy positions of honor
and the ones who are pulling off stunts
that the world applauds would only get
wise to the fact that It Is only to their
positions or their special ability along one
certain line that the world is taking off
Its lid they'd be able to see how blamed
small they are In other ways and not get
so puffed up about It.
"So, Kid, when the gang up at the ball
grounds get up on Its hind legs and hands
you the glad music for saving the game
by pulling a liner out of the milky way
In a pinch or slamming the leather to the
palings with the bases full, don't get It
Into your knot that they are applauding
'you, and that you Have a double-riveted
cinch on their affections, because they are
only paying homage to the stunt you
pulled off, and don't give a continental
cuss about you personally. To the gang
In the bleachers you are only a piece of
a baseball machine, and whether you're a
.bank burglar or a saint. If you're there
with the goods you're a hero, and if not
you're a dub.
"But don't get it into your knot for a
minute that you can get away with the
same stunt down on the avenue, because
It's a different game they play down
there. Just because some swell guy
handed you the glad gab up at the ball
park doesn't give you any license to ex
pect him to plant a kiss on your mug
when he butts Into yotl on the avenue.
You've got to show a different brand of
goods to make good with him in the so
cial world.
"So. my tip to you. Kid. and to all
other public heroes as far as that is con
cerned, is to foul off this Idea that he-
cause the public honors your accomplish
ments In one certain line you've got a
cinch on the public idol Job. Don't trot
outside of your class until you're In
training to stand the' pace. Take It from
me. Kid, when it comes to copping halos
In the social game, the common, every
day good fellow has the public hero
skinned a city block."
Bow to the Ohio Passport.
Columbus, O., Dispatch.
"With all due respect to the State
Department at Washington, -u. C, and
not at all resenting its determination
to uonopollze the passport business,"
said Opha Moore, of the Governor's of
fice, the other day, "I must say that
those who have used our passports
have testified that they wcr able to
realize upon them when those issued
at Washington, D. C were apparently
valueless. One man. a friend of mine,
was once stopped by officers in Ger
many for overspeeding his automobile.
When he showed the officer his Wanh-
ngton, D. C, passport it nad no molli
fying effect, but when that of the
Governor of Ohio, with Its three-Inch
caliber gold seal attached (we were al
ways liberal In that regard), was
flashed, the officer uncovered, bowed
low. and begged the gentleman's pardon."
Beautiful Things.
Beautiful faces are those that weir
It matters little if dark or fair
Whole-souled honesty printed there.
Beautiful eyes are those that show
i.iKe crystal panes iino nmi m ...v a-"--.
Beautiful thoughts that burn below.
Beautiful lips are those whose words
Leap from the heart like songs of birds
Yet whose utterances x-rudence girds.
ReatiHful hands are those that do
Work that Is honest, brave and true.
Moment by moment tne long au.y mruugu.
Beautiful feet are those that go
On kindly errands to and fro
Down humblest ways, if God wills It so.
Beautiful lives are those that bless
Klient rivers of happiness.
Whose hidden fountains but few may guess.
. Alltl .