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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (July 5, 1908)
THE SUNDAY OREGON! AX, PORTLAND, JULY 5, 1908. 9 1 9 THEY (if s'pOSE they'll be nominating Wil I Ham J., out to Denver this com- Ing week," said the House Detec tive of. the Hotel St. Reckless. "Oh, by all means," said the Hotel .Clerk- "It's quite customary. The first time they nominated Bryan it was an accident and the second time It was a coincidence, but now it's precedent. He's a fixed institution in the South, like the boll weevil or the Stetson hat, and a movable feast day all over the country, like Easter Sunday, and a regular visi tant from the West like the 17-year lo cust and a hardy annual at all times like the Nebraska wind flower. He's all these things and a blamed sight more. The year ltKtf, Larry, will go down into history as the strange ear when they didn't nominate Bryan." "Then ttie campaign oughter be on purty soon," said the House Detective. "Oh, it's been on off and on for quite some time," stated the Hotel Clerk, "only you didn't seem to notice it un less you were a close observer. "V ou have to have a keen eye to fee what's doing in these days when politics has been reduced to an exact science which Is considerable like Christian Science, be cause in both instances the instructions come from a central body and the mem bers at large take a good deal on faith. It's only been a comparatively short time since a National convention was something like civil war and something like street rioting and something like the annual outing and games of the late Mad Mullah. But now it's a cross be tween administering chloroform and a Job of plain ironing with a touch of ex pert porch-climbing thrown in. "Things were different before the in troduction into the game of the time clock, the automatic weighing machine and the patented refrigerating process, not to mention the pre-digested cheer, the moth-ball enthusiasm and the seam less can. The Republicans would go to their convention and name their ticket and then start in fighting the other side, nti'l the Democrats would go to their convention assuming that they had only one, which was rarely the case, and they'd nomlna te their tickets and then start in fighting each other. Senator Tillman, abandoning for the nonce hi Chautauqua lecture tour, where he'd bepn explaining to the intellectual-classes of the North why the colored man makes such a poor Are insurance risk in South Carolina, would return to his native state to see to It that none of the Gold dust Twins was deprived of the blesp?d opportunity of putting in a full day's work on election day at a point some distance remote from the polling place. The Hon. Cornelius Bliss would take steps to Inform those captains of Indus try who desired to put a check upon the reckless policies of the Democrats that It would be the easiest thing In the vorld. providing the check was proper ly certified. "The evening before the election the Democratic National chairman would give out a conservative statement, con ceding that the Republicans had a fighting chance for Pennsylvania, and would probably carry New Hampshire, owing to the unfortunate internal dis SPtiPiona among the Democrats of thftt 4 BY JIM NASIUM THAT kid of mine has received an offer from gome hayseed league some place or other, and now he's got the baseball fever for fair. I can't drive It into his knot that he oughtn't to quit his job in the bank right away and start around the circuit batting: bunches of fame and reputation Into the family." The Old .Sport's friend looked at him inquiringly for a moment and then continued: "Now you've been through the mill, and I'd like you to get hold of his ear and whisper a few words of advice into it and see what you can do with him. I've tried to show him that he's got good prospects in the banking business and that he's taking a long chance to quit a sure thing to grab hold of a shadow, hut I can't drive it into his knot that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.' " ' "Well, John," replied the Old Sport, "you may be right in your deductions, and your kid may do a blamed sight better in the end to stick to the money otabblng. I've seen the kid playing ball, and I want to tell you that he's a pretty nifty article around these parts, hut at that he may be a flash in the pan when he stacks up against the real thing. Ill admit that he's taking a long chance, but I wouldn't give a tink ers damn for the kid who hasn't got enough of the gambler in his system to draw down to his nand. Take if from me. John, the guy who hasn't got enough nerve to split a little pair to take a chance on filling a flush is going to plug along through the game of life holding a hand that is" Just good enough to make him stay in the pot and lose out. "I know it's the general practice for a lot . of old fossils who imagine that they've been preserved by the Almighty for the purpose of perpetuating the wisdom of the past ages, to try to nail a kid to the home gate post by shoving It into him that 'a bird In the hand is worth two In the bush," but you can take it from me that the truth of this saying all depends upon the point of view; if I was the bird I'd a blamed sight rather be the two in the bush. And anyways, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush only to a bum hunter. If a kid is there with the goods he'll do a blamed sight better to grab a gun and kick around through the underbrush for the other two. "No. John, take it from me, that bird in the hand dope is a losing tip. It is the motto of the guy who never finds his limitations, and who. therefore, never gives the world his best efforts. And right alongside of this old bunk at the stagnation point on the road to success, you'll find Its companion piece, "Let well enough alone." The stagna tion point on the road to success is splattered with sign boards containing these two old mottoes, and lying around in the gutter you'll see a lot of merit and ability that the world is get ting no use of. "The kid who lets well enough alone may always make a living. John, but you can take my tip that he'll never get to the point where the world gives a brass-mounted continental whether he's making a living or not, and he'll Cot leave any hole that can't be plugged state, the one In the southern end hav ing fallen out with the two in the northern section over the "Westminster Confession. And at Republican head quarters young Mr. Cortelyou would is sue a careful forecast stating- that news of the most cheering- character had just been received from Arkansas, where the Republicans of the state were holding a splendid final rally under a corn crib, and there was but little doubt about the result in Mis sissippi, providing the colored vote was got out, not knowing, poor fellow, that the only time a colored voter of Mis sissippi gets out on an election day is to attend his own funeral in a personal capacity. "And then at last would come the day when the voters of our country, marching to the polls In serried rak, and some of them pretty blamed rank at that, would by their sovereign voice settle the great issue whether the same bunch of postmasters should go on handing out stamps for the ensuing four years or not. Election day, Larry, with its hopes and its fears, and in some states its lady voters wearing the latest word in mid-autumnal modes, but refusing to vote for Henry J. Kal brlggan for congress because he had one of those untidy moustaches; elec tion day with its tin horns, human and real tin : its campaign cigars smelling much like its campaign torches, but not igniting with the same freedom ; its great mental bets on the general result and its .small ones for cash; its parades, its speakings and its open-air souses; its early November frosts ; its fruitage and its flowers, its pickles, its onions and its lemons. "And then, Larry, the old yet ever new mystery of the nightfall with vast throngs standing on their own and oue another's tip-toes patiently watching the screens in 'front of the newspaper offices for the first tidings, but ever now and then going over to the corner, where, amid the rattle of glass and the blue bae of smoke, the busy waiters, with corkscrew and napkin, flitted hither and yon, opening wine for the Democrats and windows for the Repu blienns. "But still in the crowded street would stand the- vast multitude, at intervals turning their tired feet up on edge, like warming flat-irons, and ever in quiring one of the other what was the matter with Teddy Roosevelt; and then in about two hours and a half bulletins would begin to come in, bringing the thrilling news that nine election districts out of 8W in the mighty Third Assembly District of Brooklyn gave Casey, Tain., for Coroner 29 plural ity over Schwartz, Ind. Rep.; and than aftpr that, nothing for a while except a cheering message by the telephone from the party rtianagr at the Iron bridge over Mink Creek stating that his normal ma jority ' had been increased eight votes and the opposition leaders in that pre cinct now conceded the defeat of their entire National ticket; and then along about 1 A. M., when you'd made so many trips to the corner that you had more conflicting emotions in you than the Psychopathic Ward, they'd he hear ing from Indiana and Ohio and Michigan, but by that time you'd lost interest in mere figures; and the next morning you'd wake up with a taste in your mouth like a felt insole and a feeling in your head with a better man when he butts in on the angels." "That's all right. Dad," interjected John. "But you know the old story about the greedy dog that dropped the substance to grab for the shadow? All I want Is for the kid to be sure he's right before going ahead, and I don't want him to throw away his meal ticket to chase a mirage." "Well, that dope of Davy Crockett's may have been all right back in the age of coonskin philosophy," replied the Old Sport, "but I want to tell you that In this rapidly moving age the guy who waits till he's sure he right be fore going ahead is mighty apt to get left by some less conservative guy who . is willing to take chances. And to lose an opportunity is a blamed sight bigger loss than to take a cjiance and find that you're in the wrong. "But getting back to the case of your kid, John," continued the Old Sport, "there's one thing that's against him in the banking business, he doesn't look his job. He looks a blamed sight better in a ball-suit stabbing liners than he does in a cut-throat collar stabbing money. And I want to tell you that the kid who doesn't look his job has to plug along through the world under an awful handicap, and the kid who does look his job has a big advantage In this old (lump of a world. And I don't care - ' 3 Oo. WV LuaA. J i ifeL NEVER ft ' 'mW, 4X.JX- ft J DAT NEVf) V , , Si GUYD0E5MT n, ', LOOK TO 5e X & n m 7wk w wm i i . - ' c- m lWkJAIIV5 SS like a merry-go-round with some rude stranger snatching at the brass rings every time he passed your ears, and you'd read in the morning paper that practically complete returns from every where except East Kentucky and the Panhandle of Texas, where they were still holding 'em back to see if it would do any good, showed that if everybody who'd voted for him had been quintup lets Alton H. Parker would nav licked IN WHICH HE SHOWS THE ADVANTAGE HELD BY THE whether his job is winning penants in the baseball world or fortunes in the financial world. The only guy who can't afford to look his job is the gold brick artist and come-on specialist. "Now, take your money stabber In a coin repository. A guy might have Plerrepont Morgan and Rothschild chased clear under the table at the financial game, but do you think they'd ever stick him at the cashier's desk or in the president's Joint if people were apt to take him for the janitor when fiE-KID-WHO-DOEfiNT-L00K-HIS-JOB-HA3-Tn-Pi iifi.iT mar; IfisN THROUGH-TH1S-W0RLD J UNDER -AN-AYiTUL- HANDICAP." they came in? Not on your life. They don't want any husky guys who look as if they'd just been promoted from hustling steel billets splattered around over the leather furniture, no matter how much he's there with the goods. They'd sooner take some skinny shrimp who's shy on the real article, but wears the label, and he gets the confidence of the public because he looks his job. "And you can take it from me that it's the same way in any business. What chance of distinction has the preacher who wears a mug like a prize fighter He may be able to crawl into the pulpit and hand out a bunch of divine, dope that has them all skinned a mile, but he'll have a mighty bard time to win the confidence of his congregation. A guy may be packing th9 goods that would make him the greatest journalist of the age If he only 600.000 votes of enough. Or was the name Parker? "But I don't think it'll ever be that way again, Lairy not since they've brought the card index and the cash register into the system and converted the -National convention Into a realistic imitation of the commencement exer cises at a business college. We'll still have politics, but the ticks will not be so audible as they were, if at all. My young friend Blythe was one of those who was out at the Chicago affair. He craves thrills, and so he went to Chicago. He's just got back. He told me the only exciting thing he eaw there except Mrs. Alice Roosevelt Ijongworth being made to take off her hat by her husband, a Mr. Longworth, from Pinrinnnti. O.. wns the scene that had the chance, but if he looks like a mill man with bis Sunday clothes on they'll put him In -the mailing room when he asks the editor for a job, and then they'll keep him there. And the guy who looks like a cab driver stands just as much chance In a clothing store as a sky terrier does in a sausage factory. - "It's all right for a lot of wise guys to hand out this dope about a man being 'a diamond in the rough,' but take it from me, the world would a blamed sight rather have their dia monds polished. , And I'm not so blamed sure but they'd rather have a paste diamond with the'sglitter in it than a real gem that was sny of show. When there's an opening In any busi ness, 1 don't give a brass mounted con tinental what it is, you just watch the boss look over the line of applicants and pick out a kid that looks the job for the place. He may get the worst bum in the bunch, too, but if the kid is there with the looks he'll start in with a - prestige that will be mighty hard to shake, while the kid who doesn't look the job would have to show the goods right at the get-away or beat it. "Now, you may not be next to it, but It's the same way In baseball. I'll gamble that there isn't one manager or scout in twenty, when he's kicking around among the bush leagues to scare up future greats, who doesn't consider a player's looks first and his real performances last. When there's a big league scout perched up In the stand, if there's a kid in the game who looks his job and pulls off a fair rep resentation of the National pastime he'll get a trial, but the kd who -doesn't wear the label may put up a star game and the scout will think lt'a an accidental performance. I'm not saying that the kid who doesn't look the job will never get a show, but you can take it from me that he will have to show a thundering lot more of the real velvet before it becomes generally wised around that he's a real bail player and not an accident. "Every Spring you see Instances ot a bunch of kids 'being drafted from the minors and then being turned back Into the bushes without even getting a trial from the big league managers, and the public wonders why they were drafted if they aren't at least worth a trial. Do you know the answer. John? It's because they don't look their job. These kids are drafted on the strength of their real perform ances as shown by the printed reports without the manager ever 'having piped off their looks, and when they report and the manager trims his lamps on them in action and sees that they don't look their job, It's back to the wheat belt for theirs without even a trial. "The kid who wears a wad of to bacco in his mug and get-down-in-the-dirt style has the manager and the public with him from the start, and they'll excuse his first slip-ups and say 'just wait till he strikes his gait,' and he'll have to fall down mighty hard before they pass him up. It's the way of-the world, John, and the guy who cops success In this old dump of a world is the wise guy who takes ad ensued among the colored delegates when they learned that 30-cent cigars were being given away freely without regard to color, by the John Hays Hammond boom.. This, Larry, was the same boom which subsequently expired with a muffled exhaust like a smelter shutting down, deeply mourned by the seven little Guggenheims and a few other close friends of the family "But that is neither here nor there nor anywhere else for that matter. I was telling you what Blythe said about the convention. He said that at a fitting moment Uncle Julius Caesar Burrows, who is a serious statesman with long lines like a Gibson Girl or a dachshund, arose in his white cravat and his Prince Albert coat and sort of made a gesture with one arm like a semaphore when th KID WHO LOOKS HIS JOB vantage of the world's fads and fan cies. If you want your kid to succeed stick him where he'll have the advan tage of complete harmony with his surroundings, and take it from me, if there's anything in him he'll get onto D0HTTH1NK ILL TAKE A CHANCE ON THAT NEW J06. . M GONNA STICK RIGHT HERE. AN LET WELL ENOUGH ALONEw ALONE- W-ALWS-NAI-A-LIYINS,OTim-NEYER- GET-TO-THE-POINT- YfflERE-TflE-WORLD- his job before the world discovers that he's hanging up a bluff. "Now, don't think that I've got it into my knot that it's impossible for the kid who doesn't look his job to suc ceed, but what I want to shove Into you is the fact that he's got an awful handicap to overcome before he catches up with the field. To sum up, the kid who doesn't look his Job is accepted as a failure until he has proved that he is a success, while the kid who looks his job is accepted as a success until he has proved that he is a failure." "According to your dope, then," spoke up John, "If a kid looks like a black smith he ought to be planted behind the anvil with a hammer In his mitt and kept there." 'aiD THE BLUE JiAZE OFdWOKJB--ARD JfcATTLE OF SLASS limited is coming through. And then the united did come through, fiercely roar ing, with its cowcatcher bearing a strik ing likeness to a certain set of front teeth, and Its headlights looking very much like some nose glasses of a pattern that Is familiar to' all. And that "was practically all there was to It except taking the flaxen-haired rosy-cheeked platform out of its box and pressing it In the stomach to make it say 'papa and once or twice a low crunching sound, like a waiter stepping on a cockroach, when some leader of the allies got in the way of the official asphalt roller, and at the last Uncle Joe Cannon and Phil ander Knox and the rest of their bunch sitting on the back row with that wrap't expression on their faces." "How d'ye spell that there word wrapt" ?" asked the House Detective. "In this case you would spell It r-a-p-p-e-dV" said the Hotel Clerk. "And that's the way it was, Larry, and that's pretty much the way it's going to be out at Denver this week. Noboby that's ever tried It, appears to be able to give the Peerless Brand of indestructible can- fVdajte any testimonials, but the boys in the trenches are going to use it again lust the same. They've got the habit To start ftf with they'll-give their match less leader a vocal tribute that's going to exceed the little 4r-m1nute outburst for "Not exactly," replied the Old Sport, "but at that, when it comes right down to cases a successful blacksmith is a blamed sight more desirable citizen and excites my admiration and respect a blamed sight more than an unsuc cessful banker. But the advice I would hand out is that if you have any as pirations for your kid you'd better fix up the label he wears and get him to looking the. Job before he tackles the job, and then you'll save him a thun dering lot of bad moments and get him off to a better start You know 'as the twig Is bent the tree is inclined, and from, the way some trees are inclined the twigs must nave been trained up an augur bit. So If you want your kid to attain his full growth plant him in the right soil and start him straight, and you can take it from me that he'll not require so blamed much cultiva tion and pruning when he grows up. But If he looks like an apple tree don't plant him in a sycamore grove or he'll WE(LC(L( IWIN 5. COBB Teddy if it takes the back lining out of every lung in the Nebraska delegation. And then they'll adopt a platform saying that whereas providence is supposed to see that not even a sparrow falls, yet nothing has been done for the jays in some time 12 years to be exact; and whereas it is Incumbent upon the masses of the common people to save the fair land which our grandsires fought for and bled for bled the Indians for, in particular from those predatory pirates with money, who now clutch a prostrate country by the throat, the legs and the pants pocket; and whereas, there Is nothing ooing with the Cross of Gold at this writing; be it therefore resolved, that we point with pride to th sub scription list of the Weekly Lincoln Commoner and would point with equal pride to the Government ownership of railroads If circumstances had been dif ferent ; and we view with alarm the sheath skirt and the tariff and think something ought to be done about them at once, especially the tariff which has been in the hands of its wealthy friends entirely too long; and we would sug gest that the marriage of rich American girls to titled foreigners Is repugnant to the spirit of our institutions and oupht to be taken up by the committe on foreign relations without delay: and also the Supreme Court and likewise the civil service; and anyhow the other crowd had had all the decent jobs-nailed down for a sufficiently extended period of time. "After which, Larry, they'll name WiJ 11am Jennings by acclamation and nomi nate some comparative, yet trusting stranger for Vice-President, unless Adlai Stevenson should oblige as he has done from time to time in similar emergencies, and then bolt and go home and maybe bolt a few times after reaching home and then the campaign will be truly oru "But X don't think they'll cut up ar.d carry on '"as they did in thosa balmy days. "When a convention has all the ear marks of a death-bed scene it's very hard to keep the campaign from seeming like the trip to the cemetery. And so far everything's been done in an orderly manner, and nothing whatever has been allowed to happen that would -bring the blush to the cheek of the most fastidious, even Henry Cabot Lodge." "How d'ye dope It out this early in the game?" asked the House Defective. "Well," said the Hotel Clerk, speaking as one who's studied the literary aspect o? the proposition, "I can only say to you, Larry, that Teddy wrote a book once called The "Winning of the West' and he did and his fellow author William J. wrote one called 'The First Battle,' and it was with massacre features." "But is Bryan goin1 to lose?" persisted the House Detective. - "He can't lose," said the Hotel Clerk. "A man that's been beaten three times for President can certainly get better terms for his lecture dates than a man that's only been beaten twice." never be noticed; when the world is looking for apples they go to the or chard. "So to get back to your own case again,. John, I don't think I'd better talk to your kid, as I am mighty apt to say the things you don't want him to hear. I'm one of the world, and, like the rest of the world, when I'm sorting out the goods I never take time to open the packages, but stack them -up according to the labels." Milwaukee, Wis., Talks English. New York Times. Fpr many years. Milwaukee, Wis., was regarded as one of the most prosperous and enlightened of the German cities. The recent failure of the German drama to pay expenses there has awakened the old est Inhabitant and his Immediate asso ciates to the fact that their thriving town Is American. Of course the Milwaukee people have always been good Americans, but with a hyphen. They have until re cently clung as closely as possible to the traditions of Fatherland. The rising gen eration, however, while it has honored Fatherland in perspective, has talked English, read English and thought Amer ican. Shoes for Icy Pavements. Popular Mechanics. ' In large cities like Chicago and New York icy asphalt pavements cause the death of hundreds of horses every Win ter. Many styles and shapes of shoes are now being Introduced in an endeavor to stop such accidents, one of the most promising of which consists of a chain tread, which can be quickly buckled on and as quickly takep off the foot of a horse without the use of tools. It Is practically self-adjusting, strong, cheap and durable. i Of Post-Mortem Praises. Louis S3. Thayer. In the New York Sun. I've noticed when a fellow dies, no matter what he's been A saintly chap or one whoa life was darkly teeped in sin His friends forget the bitter words they spoke but yesterday. And now they find a multitude of pretty things to say. I fancy when T go to rest some one will bring to light Gome kindly word or goodly act long burled out of sight: But. if It's all the same to you. Just give to me Instead The bouquets while I'm living and the knocking when I'm dead. Don't save your kisses to imprint upon my marble brow. While countless maledictions are hurled upon me now; Say Just one kindly word to me while I mourn here alone. And don't save all your eulogy to carve - upon a stone! What do I care If when I'm dead the Bloomfngdale Gazette Gives me a write-up with a cut in mourn ing borders set; It will not flatter me a bit, no matter what is said. So kindly throw your bouquets sow and knock me when I'm dead. It may be fine, when one Is dead, to havt the folks talk so. To have the flowers come in loads from relatives, you know; It may, be nice to have these things for those you leave behind. But Just as far as I'm concerned, I really do not mind. I'm quite alive and well today, and while 1 linger here. Lend me a helping hand at times give me a word of cheer. Just change the game a little bit; Just kindly swap the decks. For I will be no Judge of flowers whea I've cashed in my checks.
