THE SUNDAY OREGON! AX, PORTLAND, JULY 5, 1908.
9
1
9
THEY
(if s'pOSE they'll be nominating Wil
I Ham J., out to Denver this com-
Ing week," said the House Detec
tive of. the Hotel St. Reckless.
"Oh, by all means," said the Hotel
.Clerk- "It's quite customary. The first
time they nominated Bryan it was an
accident and the second time It was a
coincidence, but now it's precedent. He's
a fixed institution in the South, like the
boll weevil or the Stetson hat, and a
movable feast day all over the country,
like Easter Sunday, and a regular visi
tant from the West like the 17-year lo
cust and a hardy annual at all times
like the Nebraska wind flower. He's all
these things and a blamed sight more.
The year ltKtf, Larry, will go down into
history as the strange ear when they
didn't nominate Bryan."
"Then ttie campaign oughter be on
purty soon," said the House Detective.
"Oh, it's been on off and on for quite
some time," stated the Hotel Clerk,
"only you didn't seem to notice it un
less you were a close observer. "V ou
have to have a keen eye to fee what's
doing in these days when politics has
been reduced to an exact science which
Is considerable like Christian Science, be
cause in both instances the instructions
come from a central body and the mem
bers at large take a good deal on faith.
It's only been a comparatively short
time since a National convention was
something like civil war and something
like street rioting and something like
the annual outing and games of the late
Mad Mullah. But now it's a cross be
tween administering chloroform and a
Job of plain ironing with a touch of ex
pert porch-climbing thrown in.
"Things were different before the in
troduction into the game of the time
clock, the automatic weighing machine
and the patented refrigerating process,
not to mention the pre-digested cheer,
the moth-ball enthusiasm and the seam
less can. The Republicans would go to
their convention and name their ticket
and then start in fighting the other side,
nti'l the Democrats would go to their
convention assuming that they had only
one, which was rarely the case, and
they'd nomlna te their tickets and then
start in fighting each other. Senator
Tillman, abandoning for the nonce hi
Chautauqua lecture tour, where he'd
bepn explaining to the intellectual-classes
of the North why the colored man makes
such a poor Are insurance risk in South
Carolina, would return to his native
state to see to It that none of the Gold
dust Twins was deprived of the blesp?d
opportunity of putting in a full day's
work on election day at a point some
distance remote from the polling place.
The Hon. Cornelius Bliss would take
steps to Inform those captains of Indus
try who desired to put a check upon the
reckless policies of the Democrats that
It would be the easiest thing In the
vorld. providing the check was proper
ly certified.
"The evening before the election the
Democratic National chairman would
give out a conservative statement, con
ceding that the Republicans had a
fighting chance for Pennsylvania, and
would probably carry New Hampshire,
owing to the unfortunate internal dis
SPtiPiona among the Democrats of thftt
4
BY JIM NASIUM
THAT kid of mine has received
an offer from gome hayseed
league some place or other, and
now he's got the baseball fever for
fair. I can't drive It into his knot that
he oughtn't to quit his job in the bank
right away and start around the circuit
batting: bunches of fame and reputation
Into the family." The Old .Sport's
friend looked at him inquiringly for a
moment and then continued: "Now
you've been through the mill, and I'd
like you to get hold of his ear and
whisper a few words of advice into it
and see what you can do with him. I've
tried to show him that he's got good
prospects in the banking business and
that he's taking a long chance to quit
a sure thing to grab hold of a shadow,
hut I can't drive it into his knot that
a bird in the hand is worth two in the
bush.' "
' "Well, John," replied the Old Sport,
"you may be right in your deductions,
and your kid may do a blamed sight
better in the end to stick to the money
otabblng. I've seen the kid playing
ball, and I want to tell you that he's a
pretty nifty article around these parts,
hut at that he may be a flash in the
pan when he stacks up against the real
thing. Ill admit that he's taking a
long chance, but I wouldn't give a tink
ers damn for the kid who hasn't got
enough of the gambler in his system
to draw down to his nand. Take if
from me. John, the guy who hasn't got
enough nerve to split a little pair to
take a chance on filling a flush is going
to plug along through the game of life
holding a hand that is" Just good enough
to make him stay in the pot and lose
out.
"I know it's the general practice for
a lot . of old fossils who imagine that
they've been preserved by the Almighty
for the purpose of perpetuating the
wisdom of the past ages, to try to nail
a kid to the home gate post by shoving
It into him that 'a bird In the hand is
worth two In the bush," but you can
take it from me that the truth of this
saying all depends upon the point of
view; if I was the bird I'd a blamed
sight rather be the two in the bush.
And anyways, a bird in the hand is
worth two in the bush only to a bum
hunter. If a kid is there with the
goods he'll do a blamed sight better to
grab a gun and kick around through
the underbrush for the other two.
"No. John, take it from me, that bird
in the hand dope is a losing tip. It is
the motto of the guy who never finds
his limitations, and who. therefore,
never gives the world his best efforts.
And right alongside of this old bunk
at the stagnation point on the road to
success, you'll find Its companion piece,
"Let well enough alone." The stagna
tion point on the road to success is
splattered with sign boards containing
these two old mottoes, and lying
around in the gutter you'll see a lot of
merit and ability that the world is get
ting no use of.
"The kid who lets well enough alone
may always make a living. John, but
you can take my tip that he'll never
get to the point where the world gives
a brass-mounted continental whether
he's making a living or not, and he'll
Cot leave any hole that can't be plugged
state, the one In the southern end hav
ing fallen out with the two in the
northern section over the "Westminster
Confession. And at Republican head
quarters young Mr. Cortelyou would is
sue a careful forecast stating- that
news of the most cheering- character
had just been received from Arkansas,
where the Republicans of the state
were holding a splendid final rally
under a corn crib, and there was but
little doubt about the result in Mis
sissippi, providing the colored vote was
got out, not knowing, poor fellow, that
the only time a colored voter of Mis
sissippi gets out on an election day is
to attend his own funeral in a personal
capacity.
"And then at last would come the
day when the voters of our country,
marching to the polls In serried rak,
and some of them pretty blamed rank
at that, would by their sovereign voice
settle the great issue whether the
same bunch of postmasters should go
on handing out stamps for the ensuing
four years or not. Election day, Larry,
with its hopes and its fears, and in
some states its lady voters wearing the
latest word in mid-autumnal modes,
but refusing to vote for Henry J. Kal
brlggan for congress because he had
one of those untidy moustaches; elec
tion day with its tin horns, human and
real tin : its campaign cigars smelling
much like its campaign torches, but
not igniting with the same freedom ;
its great mental bets on the general
result and its .small ones for cash; its
parades, its speakings and its open-air
souses; its early November frosts ; its
fruitage and its flowers, its pickles,
its onions and its lemons.
"And then, Larry, the old yet ever
new mystery of the nightfall with vast
throngs standing on their own and oue
another's tip-toes patiently watching
the screens in 'front of the newspaper
offices for the first tidings, but ever
now and then going over to the corner,
where, amid the rattle of glass and
the blue bae of smoke, the busy
waiters, with corkscrew and napkin,
flitted hither and yon, opening wine
for the Democrats and windows for the
Repu blienns.
"But still in the crowded street would
stand the- vast multitude, at intervals
turning their tired feet up on edge,
like warming flat-irons, and ever in
quiring one of the other what was the
matter with Teddy Roosevelt; and
then in about two hours and a half
bulletins would begin to come in,
bringing the thrilling news that nine
election districts out of 8W in the mighty
Third Assembly District of Brooklyn
gave Casey, Tain., for Coroner 29 plural
ity over Schwartz, Ind. Rep.; and than
aftpr that, nothing for a while except
a cheering message by the telephone from
the party rtianagr at the Iron bridge over
Mink Creek stating that his normal ma
jority ' had been increased eight votes
and the opposition leaders in that pre
cinct now conceded the defeat of their
entire National ticket; and then along
about 1 A. M., when you'd made so
many trips to the corner that you had
more conflicting emotions in you than
the Psychopathic Ward, they'd he hear
ing from Indiana and Ohio and Michigan,
but by that time you'd lost interest in
mere figures; and the next morning you'd
wake up with a taste in your mouth like
a felt insole and a feeling in your head
with a better man when he butts in on
the angels."
"That's all right. Dad," interjected
John. "But you know the old story
about the greedy dog that dropped the
substance to grab for the shadow? All
I want Is for the kid to be sure he's
right before going ahead, and I don't
want him to throw away his meal
ticket to chase a mirage."
"Well, that dope of Davy Crockett's
may have been all right back in the
age of coonskin philosophy," replied
the Old Sport, "but I want to tell you
that In this rapidly moving age the guy
who waits till he's sure he right be
fore going ahead is mighty apt to get
left by some less conservative guy
who . is willing to take chances. And
to lose an opportunity is a blamed sight
bigger loss than to take a cjiance and
find that you're in the wrong.
"But getting back to the case of your
kid, John," continued the Old Sport,
"there's one thing that's against him in
the banking business, he doesn't look
his job. He looks a blamed sight better
in a ball-suit stabbing liners than he
does in a cut-throat collar stabbing
money. And I want to tell you that the
kid who doesn't look his job has to
plug along through the world under an
awful handicap, and the kid who does
look his job has a big advantage In this
old (lump of a world. And I don't care
- ' 3 Oo. WV LuaA. J
i ifeL NEVER ft ' 'mW,
4X.JX- ft J DAT NEVf) V , , Si
GUYD0E5MT n, ',
LOOK TO 5e X & n
m 7wk w wm i
i . - ' c- m lWkJAIIV5
SS
like a merry-go-round with some rude
stranger snatching at the brass rings
every time he passed your ears, and
you'd read in the morning paper that
practically complete returns from every
where except East Kentucky and the
Panhandle of Texas, where they were
still holding 'em back to see if it would
do any good, showed that if everybody
who'd voted for him had been quintup
lets Alton H. Parker would nav licked
IN WHICH HE SHOWS THE ADVANTAGE HELD BY THE
whether his job is winning penants in
the baseball world or fortunes in the
financial world. The only guy who
can't afford to look his job is the gold
brick artist and come-on specialist.
"Now, take your money stabber In a
coin repository. A guy might have
Plerrepont Morgan and Rothschild
chased clear under the table at the
financial game, but do you think they'd
ever stick him at the cashier's desk or
in the president's Joint if people were
apt to take him for the janitor when
fiE-KID-WHO-DOEfiNT-L00K-HIS-JOB-HA3-Tn-Pi
iifi.iT mar;
IfisN THROUGH-TH1S-W0RLD
J UNDER -AN-AYiTUL-
HANDICAP."
they came in? Not on your life. They
don't want any husky guys who look
as if they'd just been promoted from
hustling steel billets splattered around
over the leather furniture, no matter
how much he's there with the goods.
They'd sooner take some skinny shrimp
who's shy on the real article, but wears
the label, and he gets the confidence of
the public because he looks his job.
"And you can take it from me that
it's the same way in any business.
What chance of distinction has the
preacher who wears a mug like a
prize fighter He may be able to crawl
into the pulpit and hand out a bunch
of divine, dope that has them all
skinned a mile, but he'll have a mighty
bard time to win the confidence of his
congregation. A guy may be packing
th9 goods that would make him the
greatest journalist of the age If he
only 600.000 votes of enough. Or was the
name Parker?
"But I don't think it'll ever be that
way again, Lairy not since they've
brought the card index and the cash
register into the system and converted
the -National convention Into a realistic
imitation of the commencement exer
cises at a business college. We'll still
have politics, but the ticks will not be
so audible as they were, if at all. My
young friend Blythe was one of those
who was out at the Chicago affair.
He craves thrills, and so he went to
Chicago. He's just got back. He told
me the only exciting thing he eaw
there except Mrs. Alice Roosevelt
Ijongworth being made to take off her
hat by her husband, a Mr. Longworth,
from Pinrinnnti. O.. wns the scene that
had the chance, but if he looks like a
mill man with bis Sunday clothes on
they'll put him In -the mailing room
when he asks the editor for a job, and
then they'll keep him there. And the
guy who looks like a cab driver stands
just as much chance In a clothing
store as a sky terrier does in a sausage
factory. -
"It's all right for a lot of wise guys
to hand out this dope about a man
being 'a diamond in the rough,' but
take it from me, the world would a
blamed sight rather have their dia
monds polished. , And I'm not so
blamed sure but they'd rather have a
paste diamond with the'sglitter in it
than a real gem that was sny of show.
When there's an opening In any busi
ness, 1 don't give a brass mounted con
tinental what it is, you just watch the
boss look over the line of applicants
and pick out a kid that looks the job
for the place. He may get the worst
bum in the bunch, too, but if the kid
is there with the looks he'll start in
with a - prestige that will be mighty
hard to shake, while the kid who
doesn't look the job would have to
show the goods right at the get-away
or beat it.
"Now, you may not be next to it, but
It's the same way In baseball. I'll
gamble that there isn't one manager
or scout in twenty, when he's kicking
around among the bush leagues to
scare up future greats, who doesn't
consider a player's looks first and his
real performances last. When there's
a big league scout perched up In the
stand, if there's a kid in the game who
looks his job and pulls off a fair rep
resentation of the National pastime
he'll get a trial, but the kd who
-doesn't wear the label may put up a
star game and the scout will think lt'a
an accidental performance. I'm not
saying that the kid who doesn't look
the job will never get a show, but you
can take it from me that he will have
to show a thundering lot more of the
real velvet before it becomes generally
wised around that he's a real bail
player and not an accident.
"Every Spring you see Instances ot
a bunch of kids 'being drafted from
the minors and then being turned
back Into the bushes without even
getting a trial from the big league
managers, and the public wonders why
they were drafted if they aren't at
least worth a trial. Do you know the
answer. John? It's because they don't
look their job. These kids are drafted
on the strength of their real perform
ances as shown by the printed reports
without the manager ever 'having
piped off their looks, and when they
report and the manager trims his
lamps on them in action and sees that
they don't look their job, It's back to
the wheat belt for theirs without even
a trial.
"The kid who wears a wad of to
bacco in his mug and get-down-in-the-dirt
style has the manager and the
public with him from the start, and
they'll excuse his first slip-ups and say
'just wait till he strikes his gait,' and
he'll have to fall down mighty hard
before they pass him up. It's the way
of-the world, John, and the guy who
cops success In this old dump of a
world is the wise guy who takes ad
ensued among the colored delegates when
they learned that 30-cent cigars were
being given away freely without regard
to color, by the John Hays Hammond
boom.. This, Larry, was the same boom
which subsequently expired with a
muffled exhaust like a smelter shutting
down, deeply mourned by the seven little
Guggenheims and a few other close
friends of the family
"But that is neither here nor there nor
anywhere else for that matter. I was
telling you what Blythe said about the
convention. He said that at a fitting
moment Uncle Julius Caesar Burrows,
who is a serious statesman with long
lines like a Gibson Girl or a dachshund,
arose in his white cravat and his Prince
Albert coat and sort of made a gesture
with one arm like a semaphore when th
KID WHO LOOKS HIS JOB
vantage of the world's fads and fan
cies. If you want your kid to succeed
stick him where he'll have the advan
tage of complete harmony with his
surroundings, and take it from me, if
there's anything in him he'll get onto
D0HTTH1NK ILL
TAKE A CHANCE ON
THAT NEW J06. . M
GONNA STICK RIGHT
HERE. AN LET WELL
ENOUGH ALONEw
ALONE- W-ALWS-NAI-A-LIYINS,OTim-NEYER-
GET-TO-THE-POINT- YfflERE-TflE-WORLD-
his job before the world discovers that
he's hanging up a bluff.
"Now, don't think that I've got it
into my knot that it's impossible for
the kid who doesn't look his job to suc
ceed, but what I want to shove Into
you is the fact that he's got an awful
handicap to overcome before he catches
up with the field. To sum up, the kid
who doesn't look his Job is accepted as
a failure until he has proved that he is
a success, while the kid who looks
his job is accepted as a success until
he has proved that he is a failure."
"According to your dope, then," spoke
up John, "If a kid looks like a black
smith he ought to be planted behind
the anvil with a hammer In his mitt
and kept there."
'aiD THE BLUE
JiAZE OFdWOKJB--ARD
JfcATTLE
OF SLASS
limited is coming through. And then the
united did come through, fiercely roar
ing, with its cowcatcher bearing a strik
ing likeness to a certain set of front
teeth, and Its headlights looking very
much like some nose glasses of a pattern
that Is familiar to' all. And that "was
practically all there was to It except
taking the flaxen-haired rosy-cheeked
platform out of its box and pressing it
In the stomach to make it say 'papa
and once or twice a low crunching sound,
like a waiter stepping on a cockroach,
when some leader of the allies got in
the way of the official asphalt roller, and
at the last Uncle Joe Cannon and Phil
ander Knox and the rest of their bunch
sitting on the back row with that wrap't
expression on their faces."
"How d'ye spell that there word
wrapt" ?" asked the House Detective.
"In this case you would spell It
r-a-p-p-e-dV" said the Hotel Clerk. "And
that's the way it was, Larry, and that's
pretty much the way it's going to be
out at Denver this week. Noboby that's
ever tried It, appears to be able to give
the Peerless Brand of indestructible can-
fVdajte any testimonials, but the boys in
the trenches are going to use it again
lust the same. They've got the habit
To start ftf with they'll-give their match
less leader a vocal tribute that's going to
exceed the little 4r-m1nute outburst for
"Not exactly," replied the Old Sport,
"but at that, when it comes right down
to cases a successful blacksmith is a
blamed sight more desirable citizen
and excites my admiration and respect
a blamed sight more than an unsuc
cessful banker. But the advice I would
hand out is that if you have any as
pirations for your kid you'd better fix
up the label he wears and get him to
looking the. Job before he tackles the
job, and then you'll save him a thun
dering lot of bad moments and get him
off to a better start You know 'as the
twig Is bent the tree is inclined, and
from, the way some trees are inclined
the twigs must nave been trained up
an augur bit. So If you want your kid
to attain his full growth plant him in
the right soil and start him straight,
and you can take it from me that he'll
not require so blamed much cultiva
tion and pruning when he grows up.
But If he looks like an apple tree don't
plant him in a sycamore grove or he'll
WE(LC(L(
IWIN 5. COBB
Teddy if it takes the back lining out
of every lung in the Nebraska delegation.
And then they'll adopt a platform saying
that whereas providence is supposed to
see that not even a sparrow falls, yet
nothing has been done for the jays in
some time 12 years to be exact; and
whereas it is Incumbent upon the masses
of the common people to save the fair
land which our grandsires fought for
and bled for bled the Indians for, in
particular from those predatory pirates
with money, who now clutch a prostrate
country by the throat, the legs and the
pants pocket; and whereas, there Is
nothing ooing with the Cross of Gold at
this writing; be it therefore resolved,
that we point with pride to th sub
scription list of the Weekly Lincoln
Commoner and would point with equal
pride to the Government ownership of
railroads If circumstances had been dif
ferent ; and we view with alarm the
sheath skirt and the tariff and think
something ought to be done about them
at once, especially the tariff which has
been in the hands of its wealthy friends
entirely too long; and we would sug
gest that the marriage of rich American
girls to titled foreigners Is repugnant to
the spirit of our institutions and oupht
to be taken up by the committe on foreign
relations without delay: and also the
Supreme Court and likewise the civil
service; and anyhow the other crowd had
had all the decent jobs-nailed down for
a sufficiently extended period of time.
"After which, Larry, they'll name WiJ
11am Jennings by acclamation and nomi
nate some comparative, yet trusting
stranger for Vice-President, unless Adlai
Stevenson should oblige as he has done
from time to time in similar emergencies,
and then bolt and go home and maybe
bolt a few times after reaching home and
then the campaign will be truly oru
"But X don't think they'll cut up ar.d
carry on '"as they did in thosa balmy
days. "When a convention has all the
ear marks of a death-bed scene it's very
hard to keep the campaign from seeming
like the trip to the cemetery. And so
far everything's been done in an orderly
manner, and nothing whatever has been
allowed to happen that would -bring the
blush to the cheek of the most fastidious,
even Henry Cabot Lodge."
"How d'ye dope It out this early in the
game?" asked the House Defective.
"Well," said the Hotel Clerk, speaking
as one who's studied the literary aspect
o? the proposition, "I can only say to
you, Larry, that Teddy wrote a book once
called The "Winning of the West' and he
did and his fellow author William J.
wrote one called 'The First Battle,' and
it was with massacre features."
"But is Bryan goin1 to lose?" persisted
the House Detective. -
"He can't lose," said the Hotel Clerk.
"A man that's been beaten three times
for President can certainly get better
terms for his lecture dates than a man
that's only been beaten twice."
never be noticed; when the world is
looking for apples they go to the or
chard. "So to get back to your own case
again,. John, I don't think I'd better
talk to your kid, as I am mighty apt
to say the things you don't want him
to hear. I'm one of the world, and,
like the rest of the world, when I'm
sorting out the goods I never take
time to open the packages, but stack
them -up according to the labels."
Milwaukee, Wis., Talks English.
New York Times.
Fpr many years. Milwaukee, Wis., was
regarded as one of the most prosperous
and enlightened of the German cities. The
recent failure of the German drama to
pay expenses there has awakened the old
est Inhabitant and his Immediate asso
ciates to the fact that their thriving town
Is American. Of course the Milwaukee
people have always been good Americans,
but with a hyphen. They have until re
cently clung as closely as possible to the
traditions of Fatherland. The rising gen
eration, however, while it has honored
Fatherland in perspective, has talked
English, read English and thought Amer
ican. Shoes for Icy Pavements.
Popular Mechanics. '
In large cities like Chicago and New
York icy asphalt pavements cause the
death of hundreds of horses every Win
ter. Many styles and shapes of shoes are
now being Introduced in an endeavor to
stop such accidents, one of the most
promising of which consists of a chain
tread, which can be quickly buckled on
and as quickly takep off the foot of a
horse without the use of tools. It Is
practically self-adjusting, strong, cheap
and durable.
i
Of Post-Mortem Praises.
Louis S3. Thayer. In the New York Sun.
I've noticed when a fellow dies, no matter
what he's been
A saintly chap or one whoa life was darkly
teeped in sin
His friends forget the bitter words they
spoke but yesterday.
And now they find a multitude of pretty
things to say.
I fancy when T go to rest some one will
bring to light
Gome kindly word or goodly act long burled
out of sight:
But. if It's all the same to you. Just give
to me Instead
The bouquets while I'm living and the
knocking when I'm dead.
Don't save your kisses to imprint upon my
marble brow.
While countless maledictions are hurled
upon me now;
Say Just one kindly word to me while I
mourn here alone.
And don't save all your eulogy to carve
- upon a stone!
What do I care If when I'm dead the
Bloomfngdale Gazette
Gives me a write-up with a cut in mourn
ing borders set;
It will not flatter me a bit, no matter what
is said.
So kindly throw your bouquets sow and
knock me when I'm dead.
It may be fine, when one Is dead, to havt
the folks talk so.
To have the flowers come in loads from
relatives, you know;
It may, be nice to have these things for
those you leave behind.
But Just as far as I'm concerned, I really
do not mind.
I'm quite alive and well today, and while
1 linger here.
Lend me a helping hand at times give me
a word of cheer.
Just change the game a little bit; Just
kindly swap the decks.
For I will be no Judge of flowers whea I've
cashed in my checks.