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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (April 19, 1908)
. .- THE SUNDAY OREPON'IAX, PORTLAND, APRIL 19, 1908. - 5 A. IVSLE W "WHICH PROFESSOR SHORTY M& CABE SHOWS THE OO I T WAS Plnckney that got me up against this Blenmont aggregation. Course. I can't register any kick; lor when it comes to doing the hair-trigger friendship art, Pinckney's the real skoo kum preferred. But this was once when he slipped, me a blank. Looked like bein'. fed with a spoon, too, at the start. All I had to do was to take the l:3tS out to Blinmont, put in an hour with Jarvls. catch the 3:50 back, and' charge anything I had the front to name. What's more, I kind of cottoned to Jar vis from the drop of the Jiat. He was waitln' at the station for me. with a high-wheeled cart, and a couple ot Klngpry circus horses hitched one in front of the other like two' links of weiner wurst. They were tryin' to play leap frog as the train comes in; but It didn't seem to worry Jarvis any more'n if -he was drivln' a pair of mall-wagon plugs. One of those big plnk-and-whlte chaps, Jarvis 'was,- with nice blue eyes and aslies-of-roscs hair. There was a lot of iiim, and It was well placed. He had sort of a soothing, easy way of tRlking. too, like a church organ with the soft pedal on. Me and Jarvis got acquainted right away. He said he didn't care much about the physical-culture game didn't exactly need it, and he'd, been through all that before, anyway but mother and sister wanted him to take it up again, and , Pinckney'd told what a cratkerjack 1 was: so he thought he might as well go in tor it. He said he'd had a little hole fixed up where one could do that sort of thing, y'know, and he hoped I wouldn't find it such a beastly bore, after ail. Oh. he was a gent, Mr. Jarvis. But what got me was the careless way he juKSlPd: the reins over those two bob tailed r.ags that was doin' a rag-time runaway, and him usln' only three fingers, and toucliin' 'em up with the whip. It was his lucky day, though, and we got there without an ambulance. It wa.s somethin' of a place to get to, yesabout a hundred and 'stecn rooms and bath, I should say. with a back yard that must have slopped over into Conneticut some. That's what you get by havln a grandpop who put his thumb print on every dollar that came his way. I guess Jarvis was used to llvln' in a place like that, though. He didn't stop to tell what anything cost, or show oft any of the bric-a-brac. He just led the way through seven or eight parlors and palm-rooms, until ho fetched up in tho hole, he'd fixed up to exercise in. It was about three times as big as the studio here, and if there was anything missing from the outfit I couldn't have told what it was flyin'-rings, bars, rowin'-maehlne. punchin'-bags. dumb-bells say, with a secretary and a few wall mottos, there was the makln's of a Y. M. C. A. branch right on the ground. Then there was dresnin'-rooms, a shower bath, and a tiled plunge tank like they have in these Turkish places. "Lucky you don't go in strong for ex ercise," says I. "If you did, I s'pose you'd fix up Madison Square Garden?" "That architect was an ass," says Jar vis; "but mother told him to go ahead. Fancy ho thought.I was a Sandow, you know." Well, we gets Into our gym clothes, picks out a set of kid pillows, and had Just stepped out on the rubber for a lit tle warmin' up when in sails a fluff dele gation. There was a fat old one, that looked as though she might be mother: a slim baby-eyed one that any piker would have played for sister; and1 an other, that I couldn't place at all. Sho wasn't a Fifth-ave girl you could tell that by the way she wore her hair bunched down on the nape of her neck but it was a cinch she "wasn't any poof relation. "Lost their way goin' to the matinee, eh?" says I. Jarvis, he gets pink clear down to his collar-bone, and says something that sounds like, "Oh, splash!" "I beg pardon, professor," says he. "It's only mother and the girls. I'll send them off." "That's right: shoo 'cm," says I. But mother wouldn't shoo any more'n a trolleycar. "Now, don't be silly about it, Jarvis, dear," says she. "You know how Lady Evelyn dotes on athletics, and how your sister and I do, too. So we're Just going; to stay and watch you." "Oh, come, mother," says Jarvis; "it isn't just the thing, you know." "Ask Lady Evelyn," says mother. "Why, she's one of the patronesses of the Oldwlch Cricket Club, and pours .tea for the young men at their games. Now go ahead, Jarvis; there's a dear." He looks at me for a tip, and that gives hiin a hunch. "But the professor '.' says he. "Oh, Professor McCabe doesn't mind us a bit; do you now, professor?" says sis ter, buttin' In, real coy and giddy. "I can stand it if you can," says I, and she tips me a goo-goo smile that was all to the candled violets. "There!" says mother. "Now go right on as, though we were not here at all But remember not to be too rough, Jarvis dear." I grins at that, and Jarvis dear looks r LOST THEIR WAY GOI' TO THE MATINEE." foolisher than ever. But the ladies had settled themselves in front seats, and there didn't seem to be anything to do but to play marbles, or quit an' go home. And say, I don't know which looked more like a stagehand caught in front of the drop, Jarvis or me. We went through some kind of motions, though, until I begins to get over bein' rattled. Then I tries to brace him up. "Little faster with that right counter, there," says I. "And block more with your elbow. Ah, you're wide open see?" and I taps him once or twice. "Now look out for this left lead to the face. Come, use that right a little. 'Tain't In a sling. Is it? Fool-work, now. You side-step like a truck-horse. There, that's the article. Now let 'em come block, coun ter, guard!". You see, I was doin' my best to work up a little excitement and get Jarvis to for get the audience: but It wasn't much use. About all we did was to walk around and pat each other like a pair of kittens. There'd been as much exercise in passin' the plate at church. Mother thought it was lovely, though. v. and sister had that gu.shy look in her eyes that her kind wears after they've been to see Maude Adams. Lady Evelyn, though, didn't seem to be struck silly by our performance. Sho acted as though i 1 i .. i-; n 1 n oll her a some uno uau lktc.. - - gold brick. Her nose was - and she'd turned a shoulder to us, liko she was wonderin' how long it would be before the next act was put on. Couldn't blame her, either. That was the weakest imitation of a sparrin' bout I ever Blood up in. But there was no stirrin' Jarvis. He'd got stage-fright, or cold feet, or some thing of the kind. It wasn't that he didn't know how, for he had all the tags of a good amateur about his moves; but somehow he'd been queered. So, as soon as we can, we quits. Then sister gets her chance to gush. She rushes to the front and turns her baby stare on me like I was all the goods. "Oh, it was just too sweet fqr any thing!" says she. "Do you know, profes sor, I've always wanted to sea a real boxing-match; . but Jarvis would never let me before. He's told me horrid stories about how brutal they were. Now I know they're nothing of the sort. I shall come every time you and Jarvis have one, and so will Lady Evelyn. You didn't think it was brutal, did you, Eve lyn?" Lady Evelyn humped her eyebrows and gave me one look. "No," says she, "I shouldn't call it brutal, exactly," -and then she swallows a polite, society snicker in a way that made me mad from the ground up. Jarvis didn't lose any of that .either. I got a glimpse of turnln' automobile red, and tryln' to choke himself with his tongue. "It's something like the wand drill we used to do at college," says sister. Don't you like the wand drill, professor?" "When it . ain't done too rough, I'm dead stuck on it," says I. "I Just knew you didn't like rough games," says she. "You don't look as though you would, you know." "That's right," say I. "Jarvis says that once you knocked out three men in one evening; but I'm sure you weren't rude about it," she gurgles. "And that's no pipe, either," says I. "I wouldn't be rude for money." "What is a knock-out, anyway?" says she. "Why," says I; "it's just pushin' a feller around the platform until he's too dizzy to stand up." "What fun!" says sister. We makes a break for the dressln' room about then, and the delegation clears out. On the. way back to the sta tion Jarvis apologizes seven different ways, and ends up by givin' me the cue to the whole game. Seems that mother's steady Job In life was to get him marrltd off to some one that . suited her for a daughter-in-law. She'd been at It for five or six years; but Jarvis had always blocked her moves, until Lady Evelyn shows, up. I guessed that he'd picked her out himself, and was gettln' along fine, when mother be gins to mix in and arrange things. Eve lyn shies at that, and commences to hand Jarvis the trapped smile. This little visit to the sparrin' exhibition the old lady had planned for Evelyn's special benefit. "But hang it all!" says Jarvis, "I couldn't stand up there and show oft, like a Sunday school boy spouting a piece. Made mo feel like a silly ass, you know." "You looked the part," says I. "About one more of those stunts, and Lady Eve lyn'll want to adopt the two of us." "No more," says he. "She must think I'm a milksop. Why, she's got brothers that are officers in the' British army, fel lows who get themselves shot, and win medals, and all that sort of thing." THEY WEBB TRYIN TO PLAY LEA Well, I was sorry for Jarvis; for the girl was a good looker, all right, and they'd have mated up fine. But I'm no suhatchen. Physical culture's my game, an' I ain't takin' on no marriage bureau as a side line. So we shook hands and . .. . . ., Thor. T , Jarvis Jerks those circus horses out of a bow-knot and rounds tho corner on one wheel, while I climbs aboard the choo choo cars and gets back near Broadway. I wasn't lookln' to run across Jarvis again, secin' as how mo "and him has our own particular set; but 'twasn't more'n -three days before he shows up at the studio. He was lookln' down and out, too. "Dropped In for a real rough game of pussy-wants-a-corner," says I, "or shall we mako it rlng-around-the-rosy ?" "I say; noifv, Shorty," says he. "If you'd had it rubbed in as hard as I have, you'd let up." "Heard from Lady Evelyn?" says I. He kind of groaned and fell into a chair. "I tried to tell her about it," says he, "but she wouldn't listen to a word. Sho only asked If you were a professor of dancing." "Hully chee!" says I. "Say, you tell her from me that I'm a cloak-modol, an' proud of It. Dancin'-master. eh? Do you stand for a josh like that?" "Hang me if 1 do!" says he, jumpin' up and nieasurin' off three-foot steps across the floor. "The Lady Evelyn's go ing back to England in a few days, but before she leaves I want her to have a chance to well, to see that I'm not the sort she thinks I am. And I want you to help me out, professor." "Ah, say, you got the wrong transfer," says I. "I'm nothin' but a dub at any thing like that. What you want is to get Clyde Fitch to build you a nice little one-act scene where you can play leadin' gent to her leadin' lady." "You're mistaken, Shorty," says he. "I'm not putting up a game. No heroics for me. I'm just a plain, ordinary chump, and willing to let it go at that. But, I'm no softy, and. she's got to know it. There's another thing; mot,her and sister have carried this ath letic nonsense about far enough. They'd like to exhibit me to" all the fool women they know, as a kind of modern Hercules, and I'm sick of It. Now, I've got a plan that ought to cure 'em of that." For Jarvis, it wa'n't so slow. Say, he ain't half as much asleep as he looks. His proposition is to spring the real thing on 'em, a five-round go for keeps, with ring-weight gloves, and all the trim mih's. "They've been bothering me for more," says he. "I haven't heard anything else since you were there. And Lady Evelyn's been putting them up to it, I'll bet a hat. What do you say,, professor? Wouldn't you give it to them?" "I sure would," says I. It's comin' to em. And I know of two likely Red Hook boys that's just achin" to get at each other in the ring for a tiity-dollar purse." "No, no," says Jarvis. I mean to be In this myself. It's it's necessary, you know." "Oh!" says I, lookln' him over kind of curious. "But see here, do' you think you'd be good for five rounds?" "I'm not quite in condition now," says he; "but there was a time" , You know. You've seen these college trained boxers, that think they're hittin' real hard when thoir punch wouldn't dent a cheese-pie. "We'd have to fake it some," says I. "Oh, no, that wouldn't do at all," says Jarvis. "This must be a genuine match. I'll put up ten to one, five hundred to fifty; and If I stay the five rounds I get the fifty." "Whe-e-ew!" says I. "It'd be like tak in candy from a kid. I couldn't do it." Jarvis, he kind of colored up at that, but he didnt' go off his nut. "I beg par don," says he; "but I have an idea, you know, that it wouldn't be so one sided as you think." Well say, I've made lots of easy money off'n ideas just like that, and when it was put up to me as a personal favor to do it, I couldn't renlg. It did go against THE rlANLiART the grain to play myself for a long-shot, though; but Jarvis wouldn't l.sten to any thing else, claimin" his weight and reach made it an even thing. So I takes him on, an' we bills the go for the next after noon. "I may have to bring up Swifty Joe for a bottle-bolder," says I, "an' Swifty ain't just what you'd call parlor broke." "All the better for that," says Jarvis. And I'd be much obliged if you'd find another like him, for my corner." Course, there's only one Swifty. He's got a bent-in nose an a lop ear an' a jaw like a hippo. He's won more bouts by scarln' his man stiff than any plug in the business. He'd been a champ long ago if it wa'n't for a chunk of yellow in him as big as a grape-fruit. No, I couldn't match up Swifty. I done the next best thing, though: I sent for Gorilla Quigley, and gets Mike Slattery to hold the watch on us. Mike gets the hint that this was a swell joint we was goin" to: so he shows up f PEROG. In South Brooklyn evenin' dress plug hat, striped shirt and sack coat. I makes him chuck the linen for a sweater; but I coudn't separate him from the shiny toppiece. The Gorilla always -wears a swimmin' jersey with a celluloid dicky; so he passes muster. Anywaj'S, when old Knee Pants, the Blenmont butler, sees us lined up at the front entrance, we had him pop-eyed. Ho was goin' to ring" up the police reserves, when Mr. Jarvis comes out and passes us in. "They're a group ' of forty-nine per cents," says I; "but you said you want ed that kind." " "It's all rigrht," says he. "I've ex plained to the ladies that a few of my friends interested In physical culture were coming up today, and that per haps they'd better stay out; but they'll be there Just the same." He'd got 'cm right, too. Just as we'd fixed the ropes, and got out the pails wt - fit v i '? "r- -u- L THERE WAS A an' towels,' in they floats; mother beam in' away like a headlight, sister all fixed ready to blow bubbles, and the Lady Evelyn with her nose stickin' up In the air. "Professor, will you do the honors?" says Jarvis to me. And I did 'em. "Ladies," says I, "lemme put you next to some sure-fire talent. This gent with the ingrowin" Roman nose-piece Is me assistant Swifty Joe Gallagher. He's Just as han'some as he looks." "Aw, cut it out!" says Swifty. "Back under the sink with the rest of the pipes," says 'I, out of the side of my mouth. Then I does another duck. "And this here gooseb'ry blond In the Alice-blue jersey, ts Mr. Gorilla Quigley, that put Gans out once all but. The other gent you may have met before, seeln' as 'he's from one of tho first families of Brooklyn llves under the bridge. His name's Mike Slattery. Now, if you'll excuse us, we'll get busy." As I takes my corner. I could see mother beglnnin' to look worried; but sister opens a box of chocolate creams and prepares to have the time of her life. Lady Evelyn springs her lorg nette and sizes us up like we was a bunch of Buffalo Bill Indians Just off tne reservation. I'd forgot to tip off Slattery that there wasn't any postprandials expect ed of him; so the first thing I -knew he was makin" his little ring speech, Just the same's if he was announcln' events at the Never Die Athletic Club. "Now gents and ladles," says he, "this is a five-round go for a stay, be tween Professor Shorty McCabe, ex- "(CWi IrfWW 3 i , iff I m L light-weight chajnpeen of the world, and another gent what goes on the cards as an unknown. It's catch weights, an' the winner pulls down the whole basket of greens. There ain't goin' to be no hittin' after the clinch, and if there's any fouls, you leave it to me. Don't come buttin' in. It's been put up to me to keep time an' referee this mix-up, and I don't want no help. You bottle-holders stay In your corners till the count's over. Now are you ready? Then go!" i There was a squeal or two when we sheds our bath-robes and steps to the middle, and I guesses that the ladies was gettin' their first view of ring clothes. But I wasn't lookln' any where but at Jarvis. And say, he would have made a hit anywhere. He had just paddln' enough to round him out well, and not so much as to make him look ladyfied. Course, he was a good many pounds overweight for the Job he'd tackle.d, but he'd have looked mighty well on a poster. Honest, it seemed a shame to have to muss him. Jarvis wa'n't there to stand In the lime-light, though. He went right to work as though he meant business. I'd kind of figured oji lettln' him have his own way for a couple of rounds, takin' it easy, an' jockeyin' him into makin a showln"; but the first thing I knows he lands a right swing that near lifts me off my feet, an' Swifty sings out to me to stop my kiddln". . "Beg pardon," Bays Jarvis; "but I'm after that fifty" "If I'd had a putty jaw, you'd got It then," says I. "Here's the twin to that." But my swipe didn't reach him by an inch, and the, best I could do was to swap half-arm jolts until I'd got steadied down again. Well say, I wasn't more'n an hour ffndln' out that I couldn't monkey much with Jarvis. He knew- how to let his weight follow the glove, and he blocked as pretty as if he was punchin' the bag. " "You didn't learn that in no college," says I, fiddlin' for a place to plant my left. , "You're quite right," says he, and bores in like a snowplotv. We steamed up a little In the second; but it was an even break at that, barrin' the fact that I played, more for the wind and had Jarvis breathln' fast when Slattery called quits. Gorilla Quigley was onto his job, though, an' he gives him good advice while he was wavin the towel. I could hear him coach in' Jarvis to save his breath and make me do the rushln-. . "Don't waste no time on that cast iron mug. of his," says Gorilla. "All you gotter do Is cover up an' stay the iimit." But that wa'n't Jarvis programme. He begins like , a bridge car-rusher makin' for a seat, and he had mo back into my corner in no time at all. We mixed . It then, mixed it good and plenty. Jarvis wa'n't handln' out any love taps, . either; and I didn't have beef enough to stop a hundred-an'-eighty-pound swing without feelin' the jar. I was dizzy from 'em, all right; but I Jumps In close an' pounds away on his ribs until he gives ground. Then I comes the Nelson crouch, and rips a few cross-overs in where they'd do the most good. That didn't stop him. though. Pretty soon he comes in for more. Say, I a tl ra5s. 2 ? S41EAL OR TWO AS WE SHEDS OIR. never saw a guy that could look pleasanter while he was passin' out hot ones. It wasn't a fightin' grin, same as Terry wears; It was just a calm, steady, business-like proposition, one of the kind that goes with a "Sorry to trouble you, but I've got to knock your block off." Now, I can grin, too, until I makes up my mind that It's time to pull the other chap's cork. But I was never up against any of this polite business before. It wins me, though. Eight there I says to myself: "Jarvis, if you can keep that up for two rounds more, you're welcome to win out." It was worth the money. And Just as I gets this notion in my nut, he cuts loose with a bunch of rapid-fire Jabs that had me wonderin' whtre I'd be If one landed just right. I ain't got it mapped out yet how It happened; for about then the ladies lets go a lot of squeals; but I remembers utoppfn' a facer that showed me pin wheels, an' then I quits fancy boxin'. We was roughin' it all over the ring, and Swifty and the Gorilla was yellin' things, an' Slattery . was yellin' back at thein, and tho muss was as pretty as any ten-dollar-a-head crowd ever paid to see, when all of a sudden Jarvis misses a swing, and I throws all I had into an upper cut. It connected with his chin dimple like a hammer on a nut. The next thing I knows Swifty has the elbow-lock on n' from behind, and Mike Is standin' over Mr. Jarvis makin' the count. Well, there wa'n't any cheerln' and shoutin'. I didn't have to shake hands with any crazy bunch or be toted off to the dressin'-room on their shoulders. When I gets so I can look straight I Sfe'S, IS A. FEW THIN"6KS .ABOUT SHE GETS ONE ARM sees mother keeled over irt her chair, ' and sister fannln' her with the choco late box. And say, I felt like a lead quarter. Next I takes a squint at -Lady Evelyn. She was standin' up as stiff as a tin soldier on parade, with her eyes snappln' and her fingers clinched. Just one of them looks was enough for me. I gets busy with a pall, and goes to work on Jarvis. He was clean out, of course, but restln- as easy as a baby. We was brlngin' him round ail right, when I feels a push that shoves me to one side, and In rushes Lady Evelyn. She gets one arm under his neck just aS he opens his eyes with that kind of a "What's the matter now?" way they has of comin' back. Course, it don't last long, that wlzzy feelin', and there ain't any hurt to speak of afterward; but I reckon Lady Evelyn don't know much about knock outs. The way she hugs him up you d thought he'd been half killed. We was all lookln' foolish and useless, I guess, when the lady turns to me and snaps out: "Brute! I hope you're satisfied!" Say, It wouldn't have been worse if I'd been caught robbing a poor box. "Thank you, ma'am," says I, and fades into the background. "Go away, all of you!" says she. So Swifty and the other two comes tag gih' along behind, and we had a little re union in the dressln'-room. "On the dead, now," says Slattery, "what was -the foul?" "Who's claiinin' foul?" says Swifty, brlstlln". "Why, the lady gives it to Shorty straight," eays he. . "Ah, go dream about it!" says Swifty. "She don't know a foul from a body wal lop." "See here," says I, "you can talk all that over whllo you're hoofin' it back to the station; and you're due to be on your way In just four minutes by the clock; so chuck it!" "I ain't heard no step-lively call, says Slattery. "Besides I likes the place." "Well, it don't like you," says I. "Mr. Jarvis and me have had enough of your rough-house society to last us a time and a half. Now bunky-doodle!" They was a sore-head trio for fair, after that; but when I'd paid 'em oft with a fiver extra for luck, they drops out of a window onto the lawn and pikes off like 4 bk-'. A . 1 fV' BATHROBES. a squad of jail-breakers. I was some easier in my mind then, but I wasn't Joy ful, at that. You see, Mr. Jan-is had treated mo so white, and he was such a nice, decent chap, that I was feelin' mightily cut up about givin' him the quick exit right be fore the girl he was gone on. Sure, he'd played for it; but I could see I shouldn't have done it. Knack-outs ain't In my line any more, anyway; but to spring one right before women folks, and in a swell joint like Blenmont-TSay, it made me feel likt a last year's straw hat on the first of June. "Shorty," says I. "you're a throw-back. You better quit travelin' with real gents, and commence catln' with your knife again. Here's Mr. Jarvis gets you to help him out In a little society affair, and you overdoes It so bad he can't square him, eelf in a hundred years. . Back to tjie junction for yours."- Well, I was that : grouchy I wouldn't look at myself in the gloss. But I rubs down and gets into my Rialto wardrobe that I'd brought along in a suit-case.-Then I waits for Jarvis. Oh, I didn't want to see him, but it was up to me to say my little piece. It was near an hour before he shows up,- wearin' his bathrobe, an' lookln' as gay as a flower-shop window. "On the level, now," says I, before he had a show to make any play at me, "If I'd known what a pinhead I wa, I'd stayed in the cushion. How bad did I queer you?" "Shorty," eays he, shovin' out his hand, "you're a brick." "An' cracked in the bakin', eh?" says I. - "But you don't understand," says he. i 1 1. 1 U 'it V-M IT'1ER HIS NECK. "She's mine. Shorty! The Lady Evelyn Bhe's promised to marry me." "Serves you right," says I, as we shakes hands. "But how does she allow to get back at me?" , "Oh, she knows all about everything, now," says Jarvis, "and she wants to apologize." Say, he wasnH stringln' me, either. Blow me if sho didn't. And sister? "You're horrid!" says she. "Per. ctly horrid. So there!" Now can you neat 'em? But, as I've said before, when it comes to flgurin' on what women or horses'll do, I'm a four-flusher. Ko, I ain't goin' out to Blenmont these days. Jarvis does his exercisin' here. He says mother's havin' a ballroom made out of that gym. The Mirror of Marriage. Atchison Globe. There is a story in the current number of one of the magazines called "The Night," which the married women all read and think: "How True." The story. Is that of an old woman who is dying, and. after she hears the doctor say, "She may go at any moment," her life with her husband rises up before her. She thinks and thinks, and can remember only once, when they had a supreme mo ment of happiness together. That was on the eve before their marriage, and ha snatched her to him, and said, "Oh, you dear, wild thing." Then she recalled their life together; how she had tonged to have him look at her again, as he did that night, but how. instead, their life bad been one of agonizing jolts and jars. She thought during her last moment on. earth, of how during their long life, they had rasped and fretted each other. She remembered he had told her that she an noyed him; that he would bo happier without her. but recalled that she had always pretended, to him. that she loved him, although she was always disgusted and furious with him. She thought of time after time when ho had said to her: "Isabella, the trouble with you in that you have no sense." and of how she had always wondered that hp did not see that It was he, himself, who hud no sense, but she never told him so. Then tho old Woman died, and the neighbor women who looked at her dead face, said. "How noble, how tranquil; her soul 13 mirrored, there." Trco Trunks as Kilters. Montreal Standard. A well-known Austrian engineer. M. Ptister. has discovered a remarkable property of the trunks of trees, namely that of retaining the Fait of sea water that has filtered through the trunk In the direction of tho liber. He has consequent ly constructed an apparatus designed to utilize this property In obtaining drink able water for, the use of ships' crews. Tliis apparatus consists of a pump which sucks up the sea water into a reservoir, and then forces it into the filter formed by the tree trunk. As on as a certain pressure is reached the water Is seen at the end of from one to three minutes, according to the kind of wood used. It makes its exit from the other extremity of the trunk, at first in drops and then in line streams, the water thus filtered being drinkable, freed. In fact, .from every par ticle of the usual salty taste which Is such a drawback to water obtained In tho ordinary manner. The Moral Lesson. "Cabbage? Yes, ma'am right back here," replied the grocer to the old woman who had made inquiry. "Are they nice?" she asked. "Splendid, ma'am." "Solid heads " "Solid as a rock." "And tho price?" "Seven cents, ma'am." "But they used to be six." "I know, ma'am, but that was earlier tn the season, before they had fully ma tured. Seven is the price now." "Then I don't want 'em. I have had enough of this frenzied finance and don't propose to help bring on another panic. Gimme a squash for 6 cents." Pat's Forethought. A gentleman who waa In the habit of dining daily at a certain restaurant said to the waiter, an Irishman, who attended him: "Instead ot tipping you every day, Pat, I'll give you your tip In a lump sum at the end of the month." "Would ye moind paying me In ad vance, sorr?" asked the waiter. "Well, that's rather a strange request," remarked the gentleman. "However. If you are in want of some money now, here's half a crown for you. But did you distrust me?" "Oh. no, sir," grinned Pat. pocketing the half crown, "but Oi'm lavin' here tomorrow." Answers. Not a Narrow Eipe. Nashville American. I'm glad I'm not a millionaire, My one and sole delight To watch my hoard urow larger and Clip coupons day and niffht. To have a mortgage plastered down On everything in view. And to the people who wpre poor Apply at times the screw. To custom I would be a slav In keeping with my wealth, I'd live on food with foreign names That does not boost the health. I'd have to have a retinue Of servants sixty Ktroni?. Detectives, when I took a stroll, Perforce would go along. My wife would have of vlothes tnoufi To stock a dry goods store And never anything- to wear l.'nless she bought some more. My daughter. If I had a girl. Would need a like amount, A-nd maybe I would have to buy For her a foreign Count. I'm glad I'm not a millionaire, Give me the simple life. With Just enough to dodge the wolf And satisfy my wife, Nor would I envy In my heart The millionaires who pass Because I cannot see a hope To blossom in that class.
