. .- THE SUNDAY OREPON'IAX, PORTLAND, APRIL 19, 1908. - 5
A. IVSLE W "WHICH PROFESSOR SHORTY M& CABE SHOWS THE OO
I
T WAS Plnckney that got me up
against this Blenmont aggregation.
Course. I can't register any kick; lor
when it comes to doing the hair-trigger
friendship art, Pinckney's the real skoo
kum preferred. But this was once when
he slipped, me a blank.
Looked like bein'. fed with a spoon, too,
at the start. All I had to do was to take
the l:3tS out to Blinmont, put in an hour
with Jarvls. catch the 3:50 back, and'
charge anything I had the front to name.
What's more, I kind of cottoned to Jar
vis from the drop of the Jiat.
He was waitln' at the station for me.
with a high-wheeled cart, and a couple ot
Klngpry circus horses hitched one in front
of the other like two' links of weiner
wurst. They were tryin' to play leap
frog as the train comes in; but It didn't
seem to worry Jarvis any more'n if -he
was drivln' a pair of mall-wagon plugs.
One of those big plnk-and-whlte chaps,
Jarvis 'was,- with nice blue eyes and
aslies-of-roscs hair. There was a lot of
iiim, and It was well placed. He had
sort of a soothing, easy way of tRlking.
too, like a church organ with the soft
pedal on.
Me and Jarvis got acquainted right
away. He said he didn't care much about
the physical-culture game didn't exactly
need it, and he'd, been through all that
before, anyway but mother and sister
wanted him to take it up again, and
, Pinckney'd told what a cratkerjack 1
was: so he thought he might as well go
in tor it. He said he'd had a little hole
fixed up where one could do that sort of
thing, y'know, and he hoped I wouldn't
find it such a beastly bore, after ail.
Oh. he was a gent, Mr. Jarvis. But
what got me was the careless way he
juKSlPd: the reins over those two bob
tailed r.ags that was doin' a rag-time
runaway, and him usln' only three
fingers, and toucliin' 'em up with the
whip. It was his lucky day, though, and
we got there without an ambulance.
It wa.s somethin' of a place to get to,
yesabout a hundred and 'stecn rooms
and bath, I should say. with a back
yard that must have slopped over into
Conneticut some. That's what you get
by havln a grandpop who put his thumb
print on every dollar that came his way.
I guess Jarvis was used to llvln' in a
place like that, though. He didn't stop
to tell what anything cost, or show oft
any of the bric-a-brac. He just led the
way through seven or eight parlors and
palm-rooms, until ho fetched up in tho
hole, he'd fixed up to exercise in. It was
about three times as big as the studio
here, and if there was anything missing
from the outfit I couldn't have told what
it was flyin'-rings, bars, rowin'-maehlne.
punchin'-bags. dumb-bells say, with a
secretary and a few wall mottos, there
was the makln's of a Y. M. C. A. branch
right on the ground. Then there was
dresnin'-rooms, a shower bath, and a tiled
plunge tank like they have in these
Turkish places.
"Lucky you don't go in strong for ex
ercise," says I. "If you did, I s'pose
you'd fix up Madison Square Garden?"
"That architect was an ass," says Jar
vis; "but mother told him to go ahead.
Fancy ho thought.I was a Sandow, you
know."
Well, we gets Into our gym clothes,
picks out a set of kid pillows, and had
Just stepped out on the rubber for a lit
tle warmin' up when in sails a fluff dele
gation. There was a fat old one, that
looked as though she might be mother:
a slim baby-eyed one that any piker
would have played for sister; and1 an
other, that I couldn't place at all. Sho
wasn't a Fifth-ave girl you could tell
that by the way she wore her hair
bunched down on the nape of her neck
but it was a cinch she "wasn't any poof
relation.
"Lost their way goin' to the matinee,
eh?" says I.
Jarvis, he gets pink clear down to his
collar-bone, and says something that
sounds like, "Oh, splash!"
"I beg pardon, professor," says he.
"It's only mother and the girls. I'll send
them off."
"That's right: shoo 'cm," says I.
But mother wouldn't shoo any more'n
a trolleycar. "Now, don't be silly about
it, Jarvis, dear," says she. "You know
how Lady Evelyn dotes on athletics, and
how your sister and I do, too. So we're
Just going; to stay and watch you."
"Oh, come, mother," says Jarvis; "it
isn't just the thing, you know."
"Ask Lady Evelyn," says mother.
"Why, she's one of the patronesses of
the Oldwlch Cricket Club, and pours .tea
for the young men at their games. Now
go ahead, Jarvis; there's a dear."
He looks at me for a tip, and that
gives hiin a hunch. "But the professor '.'
says he.
"Oh, Professor McCabe doesn't mind us
a bit; do you now, professor?" says sis
ter, buttin' In, real coy and giddy.
"I can stand it if you can," says I, and
she tips me a goo-goo smile that was all
to the candled violets.
"There!" says mother. "Now go right
on as, though we were not here at all
But remember not to be too rough, Jarvis
dear."
I grins at that, and Jarvis dear looks
r
LOST THEIR WAY GOI' TO THE MATINEE."
foolisher than ever. But the ladies had
settled themselves in front seats, and
there didn't seem to be anything to do
but to play marbles, or quit an' go home.
And say, I don't know which looked more
like a stagehand caught in front of the
drop, Jarvis or me. We went through
some kind of motions, though, until I
begins to get over bein' rattled. Then I
tries to brace him up.
"Little faster with that right counter,
there," says I. "And block more with
your elbow. Ah, you're wide open see?"
and I taps him once or twice. "Now look
out for this left lead to the face. Come,
use that right a little. 'Tain't In a sling.
Is it? Fool-work, now. You side-step
like a truck-horse. There, that's the
article. Now let 'em come block, coun
ter, guard!".
You see, I was doin' my best to work up
a little excitement and get Jarvis to for
get the audience: but It wasn't much use.
About all we did was to walk around and
pat each other like a pair of kittens.
There'd been as much exercise in passin'
the plate at church.
Mother thought it was lovely, though.
v.
and sister had that gu.shy look in her
eyes that her kind wears after they've
been to see Maude Adams. Lady Evelyn,
though, didn't seem to be struck silly by
our performance. Sho acted as though
i 1 i .. i-; n 1 n oll her a
some uno uau lktc.. - -
gold brick. Her nose was
-
and she'd turned a shoulder to us, liko
she was wonderin' how long it would be
before the next act was put on. Couldn't
blame her, either. That was the weakest
imitation of a sparrin' bout I ever Blood
up in.
But there was no stirrin' Jarvis. He'd
got stage-fright, or cold feet, or some
thing of the kind. It wasn't that he
didn't know how, for he had all the tags
of a good amateur about his moves; but
somehow he'd been queered. So, as soon
as we can, we quits. Then sister gets
her chance to gush. She rushes to the
front and turns her baby stare on me
like I was all the goods.
"Oh, it was just too sweet fqr any
thing!" says she. "Do you know, profes
sor, I've always wanted to sea a real
boxing-match; . but Jarvis would never
let me before. He's told me horrid
stories about how brutal they were. Now
I know they're nothing of the sort. I
shall come every time you and Jarvis
have one, and so will Lady Evelyn. You
didn't think it was brutal, did you, Eve
lyn?" Lady Evelyn humped her eyebrows and
gave me one look. "No," says she, "I
shouldn't call it brutal, exactly," -and
then she swallows a polite, society snicker
in a way that made me mad from the
ground up. Jarvis didn't lose any of
that .either. I got a glimpse of
turnln' automobile red, and tryln' to
choke himself with his tongue.
"It's something like the wand drill we
used to do at college," says sister. Don't
you like the wand drill, professor?"
"When it . ain't done too rough, I'm
dead stuck on it," says I.
"I Just knew you didn't like rough
games," says she. "You don't look as
though you would, you know."
"That's right," say I.
"Jarvis says that once you knocked out
three men in one evening; but I'm sure
you weren't rude about it," she gurgles.
"And that's no pipe, either," says I.
"I wouldn't be rude for money."
"What is a knock-out, anyway?" says
she.
"Why," says I; "it's just pushin' a
feller around the platform until he's too
dizzy to stand up."
"What fun!" says sister.
We makes a break for the dressln'
room about then, and the delegation
clears out. On the. way back to the sta
tion Jarvis apologizes seven different
ways, and ends up by givin' me the cue
to the whole game.
Seems that mother's steady Job In life
was to get him marrltd off to some one
that . suited her for a daughter-in-law.
She'd been at It for five or six years;
but Jarvis had always blocked her moves,
until Lady Evelyn shows, up. I guessed
that he'd picked her out himself, and
was gettln' along fine, when mother be
gins to mix in and arrange things. Eve
lyn shies at that, and commences to hand
Jarvis the trapped smile. This little visit
to the sparrin' exhibition the old lady
had planned for Evelyn's special benefit.
"But hang it all!" says Jarvis, "I
couldn't stand up there and show oft, like
a Sunday school boy spouting a piece.
Made mo feel like a silly ass, you
know."
"You looked the part," says I. "About
one more of those stunts, and Lady Eve
lyn'll want to adopt the two of us."
"No more," says he. "She must think
I'm a milksop. Why, she's got brothers
that are officers in the' British army, fel
lows who get themselves shot, and win
medals, and all that sort of thing."
THEY WEBB TRYIN TO PLAY LEA
Well, I was sorry for Jarvis; for the
girl was a good looker, all right, and
they'd have mated up fine. But I'm no
suhatchen. Physical culture's my game,
an' I ain't takin' on no marriage bureau
as a side line. So we shook hands and
. .. . . ., Thor.
T ,
Jarvis Jerks those circus horses out of a
bow-knot and rounds tho corner on one
wheel, while I climbs aboard the choo
choo cars and gets back near Broadway.
I wasn't lookln' to run across Jarvis
again, secin' as how mo "and him has
our own particular set; but 'twasn't
more'n -three days before he shows up at
the studio. He was lookln' down and out,
too.
"Dropped In for a real rough game of
pussy-wants-a-corner," says I, "or shall
we mako it rlng-around-the-rosy ?"
"I say; noifv, Shorty," says he. "If you'd
had it rubbed in as hard as I have, you'd
let up."
"Heard from Lady Evelyn?" says I.
He kind of groaned and fell into a chair.
"I tried to tell her about it," says he,
"but she wouldn't listen to a word. Sho
only asked If you were a professor of
dancing."
"Hully chee!" says I. "Say, you tell
her from me that I'm a cloak-modol, an'
proud of It. Dancin'-master. eh? Do
you stand for a josh like that?"
"Hang me if 1 do!" says he, jumpin'
up and nieasurin' off three-foot steps
across the floor. "The Lady Evelyn's go
ing back to England in a few days, but
before she leaves I want her to have a
chance to well, to see that I'm not the
sort she thinks I am. And I want you
to help me out, professor."
"Ah, say, you got the wrong transfer,"
says I. "I'm nothin' but a dub at any
thing like that. What you want is to
get Clyde Fitch to build you a nice little
one-act scene where you can play leadin'
gent to her leadin' lady."
"You're mistaken, Shorty," says he.
"I'm not putting up a game. No heroics
for me. I'm just a plain, ordinary chump,
and willing to let it go at that. But, I'm
no softy, and. she's got to know
it. There's another thing; mot,her
and sister have carried this ath
letic nonsense about far enough.
They'd like to exhibit me to" all
the fool women they know, as a kind of
modern Hercules, and I'm sick of It.
Now, I've got a plan that ought to cure
'em of that."
For Jarvis, it wa'n't so slow. Say, he
ain't half as much asleep as he looks.
His proposition is to spring the real thing
on 'em, a five-round go for keeps, with
ring-weight gloves, and all the trim
mih's. "They've been bothering me for more,"
says he. "I haven't heard anything else
since you were there. And Lady Evelyn's
been putting them up to it, I'll bet a hat.
What do you say,, professor? Wouldn't
you give it to them?"
"I sure would," says I. It's comin' to
em. And I know of two likely Red Hook
boys that's just achin" to get at each
other in the ring for a tiity-dollar purse."
"No, no," says Jarvis. I mean to be In
this myself. It's it's necessary, you
know."
"Oh!" says I, lookln' him over kind of
curious. "But see here, do' you think
you'd be good for five rounds?"
"I'm not quite in condition now," says
he; "but there was a time" ,
You know. You've seen these college
trained boxers, that think they're hittin'
real hard when thoir punch wouldn't dent
a cheese-pie.
"We'd have to fake it some," says I.
"Oh, no, that wouldn't do at all," says
Jarvis. "This must be a genuine match.
I'll put up ten to one, five hundred to
fifty; and If I stay the five rounds I get
the fifty."
"Whe-e-ew!" says I. "It'd be like tak
in candy from a kid. I couldn't do it."
Jarvis, he kind of colored up at that,
but he didnt' go off his nut. "I beg par
don," says he; "but I have an idea,
you know, that it wouldn't be so one
sided as you think."
Well say, I've made lots of easy money
off'n ideas just like that, and when it
was put up to me as a personal favor to
do it, I couldn't renlg. It did go against
THE rlANLiART
the grain to play myself for a long-shot,
though; but Jarvis wouldn't l.sten to any
thing else, claimin" his weight and reach
made it an even thing. So I takes him
on, an' we bills the go for the next after
noon. "I may have to bring up Swifty Joe
for a bottle-bolder," says I, "an' Swifty
ain't just what you'd call parlor broke."
"All the better for that," says Jarvis.
And I'd be much obliged if you'd find
another like him, for my corner."
Course, there's only one Swifty. He's
got a bent-in nose an a lop ear an' a
jaw like a hippo. He's won more bouts
by scarln' his man stiff than any plug
in the business. He'd been a champ long
ago if it wa'n't for a chunk of yellow in
him as big as a grape-fruit. No, I couldn't
match up Swifty. I done the next best
thing, though: I sent for Gorilla Quigley,
and gets Mike Slattery to hold the watch
on us.
Mike gets the hint that this was a swell
joint we was goin" to: so he shows up
f
PEROG.
In South Brooklyn evenin' dress plug hat,
striped shirt and sack coat. I makes
him chuck the linen for a sweater; but
I coudn't separate him from the shiny
toppiece. The Gorilla always -wears a
swimmin' jersey with a celluloid dicky;
so he passes muster.
Anywaj'S, when old Knee Pants, the
Blenmont butler, sees us lined up at the
front entrance, we had him pop-eyed. Ho
was goin' to ring" up the police reserves,
when Mr. Jarvis comes out and passes
us in.
"They're a group ' of forty-nine per
cents," says I; "but you said you want
ed that kind." "
"It's all rigrht," says he. "I've ex
plained to the ladies that a few of my
friends interested In physical culture
were coming up today, and that per
haps they'd better stay out; but they'll
be there Just the same."
He'd got 'cm right, too. Just as we'd
fixed the ropes, and got out the pails
wt - fit v i
'? "r- -u-
L
THERE WAS A
an' towels,' in they floats; mother beam
in' away like a headlight, sister all
fixed ready to blow bubbles, and the
Lady Evelyn with her nose stickin' up
In the air.
"Professor, will you do the honors?"
says Jarvis to me.
And I did 'em. "Ladies," says I,
"lemme put you next to some sure-fire
talent. This gent with the ingrowin"
Roman nose-piece Is me assistant
Swifty Joe Gallagher. He's Just as
han'some as he looks."
"Aw, cut it out!" says Swifty.
"Back under the sink with the rest
of the pipes," says 'I, out of the side
of my mouth. Then I does another
duck. "And this here gooseb'ry blond
In the Alice-blue jersey, ts Mr. Gorilla
Quigley, that put Gans out once all
but. The other gent you may have met
before, seeln' as 'he's from one of tho
first families of Brooklyn llves under
the bridge. His name's Mike Slattery.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we'll get
busy."
As I takes my corner. I could see
mother beglnnin' to look worried; but
sister opens a box of chocolate creams
and prepares to have the time of her
life. Lady Evelyn springs her lorg
nette and sizes us up like we was a
bunch of Buffalo Bill Indians Just off
tne reservation.
I'd forgot to tip off Slattery that
there wasn't any postprandials expect
ed of him; so the first thing I -knew
he was makin" his little ring speech,
Just the same's if he was announcln'
events at the Never Die Athletic Club.
"Now gents and ladles," says he,
"this is a five-round go for a stay, be
tween Professor Shorty McCabe, ex-
"(CWi IrfWW
3 i , iff I m L
light-weight chajnpeen of the world,
and another gent what goes on the
cards as an unknown. It's catch
weights, an' the winner pulls down the
whole basket of greens. There ain't
goin' to be no hittin' after the clinch,
and if there's any fouls, you leave it
to me. Don't come buttin' in. It's
been put up to me to keep time an'
referee this mix-up, and I don't want
no help. You bottle-holders stay In
your corners till the count's over. Now
are you ready? Then go!" i
There was a squeal or two when we
sheds our bath-robes and steps to the
middle, and I guesses that the ladies
was gettin' their first view of ring
clothes. But I wasn't lookln' any
where but at Jarvis. And say, he
would have made a hit anywhere. He
had just paddln' enough to round him
out well, and not so much as to make
him look ladyfied. Course, he was a
good many pounds overweight for the
Job he'd tackle.d, but he'd have looked
mighty well on a poster. Honest, it
seemed a shame to have to muss him.
Jarvis wa'n't there to stand In the
lime-light, though. He went right to
work as though he meant business. I'd
kind of figured oji lettln' him have his
own way for a couple of rounds, takin'
it easy, an' jockeyin' him into makin
a showln"; but the first thing I knows
he lands a right swing that near lifts
me off my feet, an' Swifty sings out to
me to stop my kiddln".
. "Beg pardon," Bays Jarvis; "but I'm
after that fifty"
"If I'd had a putty jaw, you'd got It
then," says I. "Here's the twin to
that."
But my swipe didn't reach him by
an inch, and the, best I could do was to
swap half-arm jolts until I'd got
steadied down again. Well say, I
wasn't more'n an hour ffndln' out that
I couldn't monkey much with Jarvis. He
knew- how to let his weight follow the
glove, and he blocked as pretty as if
he was punchin' the bag. "
"You didn't learn that in no college,"
says I, fiddlin' for a place to plant my
left. ,
"You're quite right," says he, and
bores in like a snowplotv.
We steamed up a little In the second;
but it was an even break at that,
barrin' the fact that I played, more for
the wind and had Jarvis breathln' fast
when Slattery called quits. Gorilla
Quigley was onto his job, though, an'
he gives him good advice while he
was wavin the towel. I could hear him
coach in' Jarvis to save his breath and
make me do the rushln-.
. "Don't waste no time on that cast
iron mug. of his," says Gorilla. "All
you gotter do Is cover up an' stay the
iimit."
But that wa'n't Jarvis programme.
He begins like , a bridge car-rusher
makin' for a seat, and he had mo back
into my corner in no time at all. We
mixed . It then, mixed it good and
plenty. Jarvis wa'n't handln' out any
love taps, . either; and I didn't have
beef enough to stop a hundred-an'-eighty-pound
swing without feelin' the
jar. I was dizzy from 'em, all right;
but I Jumps In close an' pounds away
on his ribs until he gives ground.
Then I comes the Nelson crouch, and
rips a few cross-overs in where they'd
do the most good.
That didn't stop him. though. Pretty
soon he comes in for more. Say, I
a tl ra5s. 2 ?
S41EAL OR TWO AS WE SHEDS OIR.
never saw a guy that could look
pleasanter while he was passin' out hot
ones. It wasn't a fightin' grin, same
as Terry wears; It was just a calm,
steady, business-like proposition, one
of the kind that goes with a "Sorry to
trouble you, but I've got to knock your
block off." Now, I can grin, too, until
I makes up my mind that It's time to
pull the other chap's cork. But I was
never up against any of this polite
business before. It wins me, though.
Eight there I says to myself: "Jarvis,
if you can keep that up for two rounds
more, you're welcome to win out." It
was worth the money.
And Just as I gets this notion in my
nut, he cuts loose with a bunch of
rapid-fire Jabs that had me wonderin'
whtre I'd be If one landed just right.
I ain't got it mapped out yet how It
happened; for about then the ladies lets
go a lot of squeals; but I remembers
utoppfn' a facer that showed me pin
wheels, an' then I quits fancy boxin'.
We was roughin' it all over the ring,
and Swifty and the Gorilla was yellin'
things, an' Slattery . was yellin' back
at thein, and tho muss was as pretty
as any ten-dollar-a-head crowd ever
paid to see, when all of a sudden Jarvis
misses a swing, and I throws all I had
into an upper cut. It connected with
his chin dimple like a hammer on a
nut. The next thing I knows Swifty
has the elbow-lock on n' from behind,
and Mike Is standin' over Mr. Jarvis
makin' the count.
Well, there wa'n't any cheerln' and
shoutin'. I didn't have to shake hands
with any crazy bunch or be toted off
to the dressin'-room on their shoulders.
When I gets so I can look straight I
Sfe'S, IS
A. FEW THIN"6KS .ABOUT
SHE GETS ONE ARM
sees mother keeled over irt her chair, '
and sister fannln' her with the choco
late box. And say, I felt like a lead
quarter. Next I takes a squint at -Lady
Evelyn. She was standin' up as stiff
as a tin soldier on parade, with her
eyes snappln' and her fingers clinched.
Just one of them looks was enough
for me. I gets busy with a pall, and
goes to work on Jarvis. He was clean
out, of course, but restln- as easy as a
baby. We was brlngin' him round ail
right, when I feels a push that shoves
me to one side, and In rushes Lady
Evelyn. She gets one arm under his
neck just aS he opens his eyes with
that kind of a "What's the matter
now?" way they has of comin' back.
Course, it don't last long, that wlzzy
feelin', and there ain't any hurt to
speak of afterward; but I reckon Lady
Evelyn don't know much about knock
outs. The way she hugs him up you d
thought he'd been half killed. We was
all lookln' foolish and useless, I guess,
when the lady turns to me and snaps
out:
"Brute! I hope you're satisfied!"
Say, It wouldn't have been worse if I'd
been caught robbing a poor box. "Thank
you, ma'am," says I, and fades into the
background.
"Go away, all of you!" says she.
So Swifty and the other two comes tag
gih' along behind, and we had a little re
union in the dressln'-room.
"On the dead, now," says Slattery,
"what was -the foul?"
"Who's claiinin' foul?" says Swifty,
brlstlln".
"Why, the lady gives it to Shorty
straight," eays he. .
"Ah, go dream about it!" says Swifty.
"She don't know a foul from a body wal
lop."
"See here," says I, "you can talk all
that over whllo you're hoofin' it back to
the station; and you're due to be on your
way In just four minutes by the clock;
so chuck it!"
"I ain't heard no step-lively call, says
Slattery. "Besides I likes the place."
"Well, it don't like you," says I. "Mr.
Jarvis and me have had enough of your
rough-house society to last us a time and
a half. Now bunky-doodle!"
They was a sore-head trio for fair, after
that; but when I'd paid 'em oft with a
fiver extra for luck, they drops out of a
window onto the lawn and pikes off like
4 bk-'.
A
. 1 fV'
BATHROBES.
a squad of jail-breakers. I was some
easier in my mind then, but I wasn't Joy
ful, at that.
You see, Mr. Jan-is had treated mo so
white, and he was such a nice, decent
chap, that I was feelin' mightily cut up
about givin' him the quick exit right be
fore the girl he was gone on. Sure, he'd
played for it; but I could see I shouldn't
have done it. Knack-outs ain't In my line
any more, anyway; but to spring one
right before women folks, and in a swell
joint like Blenmont-TSay, it made me feel
likt a last year's straw hat on the first
of June.
"Shorty," says I. "you're a throw-back.
You better quit travelin' with real gents,
and commence catln' with your knife
again. Here's Mr. Jarvis gets you to help
him out In a little society affair, and you
overdoes It so bad he can't square him,
eelf in a hundred years. . Back to tjie
junction for yours."-
Well, I was that : grouchy I wouldn't
look at myself in the gloss. But I rubs
down and gets into my Rialto wardrobe
that I'd brought along in a suit-case.-Then
I waits for Jarvis. Oh, I didn't want
to see him, but it was up to me to say
my little piece.
It was near an hour before he shows
up,- wearin' his bathrobe, an' lookln' as
gay as a flower-shop window.
"On the level, now," says I, before he
had a show to make any play at me, "If
I'd known what a pinhead I wa, I'd
stayed in the cushion. How bad did I
queer you?"
"Shorty," eays he, shovin' out his hand,
"you're a brick."
"An' cracked in the bakin', eh?" says I.
- "But you don't understand," says he.
i 1
1. 1
U 'it
V-M
IT'1ER HIS NECK.
"She's mine. Shorty! The Lady Evelyn
Bhe's promised to marry me."
"Serves you right," says I, as we shakes
hands. "But how does she allow to get
back at me?" ,
"Oh, she knows all about everything,
now," says Jarvis, "and she wants to
apologize."
Say, he wasnH stringln' me, either.
Blow me if sho didn't. And sister?
"You're horrid!" says she. "Per. ctly
horrid. So there!" Now can you neat
'em? But, as I've said before, when it
comes to flgurin' on what women or
horses'll do, I'm a four-flusher.
Ko, I ain't goin' out to Blenmont these
days. Jarvis does his exercisin' here.
He says mother's havin' a ballroom made
out of that gym.
The Mirror of Marriage.
Atchison Globe.
There is a story in the current number
of one of the magazines called "The
Night," which the married women all
read and think: "How True." The story.
Is that of an old woman who is dying,
and. after she hears the doctor say, "She
may go at any moment," her life with
her husband rises up before her. She
thinks and thinks, and can remember
only once, when they had a supreme mo
ment of happiness together. That was
on the eve before their marriage, and ha
snatched her to him, and said, "Oh, you
dear, wild thing." Then she recalled
their life together; how she had tonged
to have him look at her again, as he did
that night, but how. instead, their life
bad been one of agonizing jolts and jars.
She thought during her last moment on.
earth, of how during their long life, they
had rasped and fretted each other. She
remembered he had told her that she an
noyed him; that he would bo happier
without her. but recalled that she had
always pretended, to him. that she loved
him, although she was always disgusted
and furious with him. She thought of
time after time when ho had said to her:
"Isabella, the trouble with you in that
you have no sense." and of how she had
always wondered that hp did not see that
It was he, himself, who hud no sense,
but she never told him so. Then tho old
Woman died, and the neighbor women
who looked at her dead face, said. "How
noble, how tranquil; her soul 13 mirrored,
there."
Trco Trunks as Kilters.
Montreal Standard.
A well-known Austrian engineer. M.
Ptister. has discovered a remarkable
property of the trunks of trees, namely
that of retaining the Fait of sea water
that has filtered through the trunk In the
direction of tho liber. He has consequent
ly constructed an apparatus designed to
utilize this property In obtaining drink
able water for, the use of ships' crews.
Tliis apparatus consists of a pump which
sucks up the sea water into a reservoir,
and then forces it into the filter formed
by the tree trunk. As on as a certain
pressure is reached the water Is seen at
the end of from one to three minutes,
according to the kind of wood used. It
makes its exit from the other extremity
of the trunk, at first in drops and then in
line streams, the water thus filtered being
drinkable, freed. In fact, .from every par
ticle of the usual salty taste which Is
such a drawback to water obtained In
tho ordinary manner.
The Moral Lesson.
"Cabbage? Yes, ma'am right back
here," replied the grocer to the old
woman who had made inquiry.
"Are they nice?" she asked.
"Splendid, ma'am."
"Solid heads "
"Solid as a rock."
"And tho price?"
"Seven cents, ma'am."
"But they used to be six."
"I know, ma'am, but that was earlier
tn the season, before they had fully ma
tured. Seven is the price now."
"Then I don't want 'em. I have had
enough of this frenzied finance and don't
propose to help bring on another panic.
Gimme a squash for 6 cents."
Pat's Forethought.
A gentleman who waa In the habit of
dining daily at a certain restaurant said
to the waiter, an Irishman, who attended
him: "Instead ot tipping you every day,
Pat, I'll give you your tip In a lump sum
at the end of the month."
"Would ye moind paying me In ad
vance, sorr?" asked the waiter.
"Well, that's rather a strange request,"
remarked the gentleman. "However. If
you are in want of some money now,
here's half a crown for you. But did you
distrust me?"
"Oh. no, sir," grinned Pat. pocketing
the half crown, "but Oi'm lavin' here
tomorrow." Answers.
Not a Narrow Eipe.
Nashville American.
I'm glad I'm not a millionaire,
My one and sole delight
To watch my hoard urow larger and
Clip coupons day and niffht.
To have a mortgage plastered down
On everything in view.
And to the people who wpre poor
Apply at times the screw.
To custom I would be a slav
In keeping with my wealth,
I'd live on food with foreign names
That does not boost the health.
I'd have to have a retinue
Of servants sixty Ktroni?.
Detectives, when I took a stroll,
Perforce would go along.
My wife would have of vlothes tnoufi
To stock a dry goods store
And never anything- to wear
l.'nless she bought some more.
My daughter. If I had a girl.
Would need a like amount,
A-nd maybe I would have to buy
For her a foreign Count.
I'm glad I'm not a millionaire,
Give me the simple life.
With Just enough to dodge the wolf
And satisfy my wife,
Nor would I envy In my heart
The millionaires who pass
Because I cannot see a hope
To blossom in that class.