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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 23, 1908)
THE SUNDAY OREfiOMAX, PORTLAND, FEBRUARY 33, 1908. SOME PESTS BV JIM NASIUM. DON'T suppose there Is a man living who hasn't at Borne time wished, that the laws of heaven and earth would go I out of business just long enough to allow him to seize some murderous weapon and lender the world a lasting service by los ing it so effectually among the vital or gans of the particular pest who happens to be on the Job at that psychological mo ment, that the coroner couldn't find it with a search warrant. I am not of a naturally bloodthirsty disposition, but how often, oh how often have I envied the desperado his reckless contempt for the law. I am inclined to be thoughtful in regard to the consequences of any act which I am about to commit, and this trait in my cliaracter has frequently pre vented me from taking a job off the fool killers' hands. J Ttsave been brought up in a Christian-like spirit to obey the sixth commandment, yet I recognize certain extenuating circumstances which puts the sixth commandment on the blink for the time being. But I am always fearful lest the law and I do not see these extenu ating circumstances in the same light. And so it is that when I am deep In communion with the muse fishing for the pearls of thought which render it- possible for me to look the landlord in the face without blushing, and some cheerful idiot blows in and reclines on my typewriter while he reels off about five miles of stale vaudeville jokes for my amusement and edification, so it is that just when I am reaching for the paper weight or the fil tered water bottle the specter of the law comes up before me aid his life is spared. But some of these days one of these pests Is going to go a little bit too far, and the coroner will come in and hold an inquest over a grease spot on my office linoleum. Then the clutches of the law will grip me and I will go to the New Jerusalem through a trap door, with a piece of hemp rope to keep my feet from trailing in the dust. But the fear of death will not be upon me. I will go gladly. Nay, even hilariously. I will hum a merry little ditty of joy and gladness as the black cap . is adjusted, and I will be launched into Eternity singing, "ain't it funny when you foel that way." For my life's ambition will be gratified, and I will know that I have not lived in vain. The pest is of a wide variety of species, existing in both animal and Insect life. Various poisons and ingenious contrap tions have been invented from time to time which with the proper patience will afford some relief from the insect pest and also from certain species of the an imal pest. But the species of pest which masquerades in human clothes is protect ed by law, and inventive genius has not yet turned out an Instrument of destruc tion which will create much of a mortal ity in his ranks and at the same time evade the law. But I am preparing a bill to present to the game commission which will allow an open season during which gurmtng for pests will be lawful, and con siderable sport and an infinite amount of satisfaction may result. f this bill of mine passes I will take HAVE recently taken tip the sub ject of palmistry (hands not trees). It is quite fashionable now i as a fad, and since it requires neither common sense nor actual cleverness, there are a lot of us who can- enter the graduating class without exam ination. For the benefit of those aspiring to this handAiolding game a few general hints may not be amiss. If you are of the feminine persuasion (I accept your correction, John Henry; persuasion is not a:i apt word to use in reference to a woman). Well, as I said, if you are of the feminine brand and are go ing in for palmistry, either for pastime or plunder, you must first invest in a clingy-clinging Olga Leathersole gown of Indescribable hues all run to gether like some of the cute amateur water colors at the Art Institute. Wear with It one of those wide, deep girdles like you see on the leading lady when she receives the villain in her boudoir. I've never seen these girdles else where than on pictures of the Sultan's wives, leading ladies, fortune-tellers and millionairesses. Maybe the shops Eoif . to Become a Sueceisaf ill Palmist- LINKS OP THE HAXD. ' THAT I HAVE KNOWN A 600DONE I -, CLheard las7 Kiiam. X. Yoy kin use rr m , . A&TORY. Lra'Ou-TiT'iTPmnER- SSD-REELS-OMiBOUT-' FW&mMF-c)TALE; Y1UDLY1LLL-J0KE6. my vacation each year during this open season, and I will purchase an arsenal of blunderbusses and a supply of giant pow der and slugs and dynamite bombs and pitch my camp on the trail of the perni cious pest. And the frightful mortality which I will create in his ranks will make the extermination of the buffalo look like the puny efforts of a pea shooter. Probably the first pest I will go after is the one whose special field of activity is the barber shop, and whose most prom inent trait seems to be t'o get you in the barber chair and Inquire into your family history, and when you open your mouth to reply he chokes you with the lather brush. Then he leans across the bridge of your nose while ho mentally debates whether to cut off your head ana let It fail back over the head rest or to strangle you with a Turkish towel. After deciding on a slower and more painful deeth in order to prolong his pleasure, he invaria bly cuts a wart off your chin and drops it into the cuspidore while distracting bull InrtftiTrtfmnr tnt n rnitntip Hint! r Ica tai EiIaamma o i.tflltniA stJcimir don't carry them. If they do not, you can compromise with a red sash and a jeweled stomacher; with all sorts of appurtenances to clink and rattle whenever you move about. Wear your hair like a poster girl, weight your unmanicured fingers with rings, and your arms with bracelets, put on a pint of powder and two bits' worth of cheap perfume, and you are nearlOa palmist. All you lack is ex perience. If you are a man, you won't go in for it to make a living; no honest man could. Robbing a bank or sandbagging is honorable in comparison. But if you go in at all to be a palmist, you must wear a white vest, a Gibson girl stickpin and drape your watch chain across your equator. You must smell strongly of bay rum and use a quill toothpick with a gold handle. Unless you can afford such luxuries, you may as well give up all idea of becoming a palmist. Fix up your room like a dentist's re- your attention with happy selections from Joe Miller's joke book. My face is not of the rotund alder manic proportions which makes easy ridr ing for the razor, and the ramjticatinns of canyons and mesas on its surface may not bo picturesque In the extreme. But it is the only face I have and I am 'very uch attached to it, so I prefer rather to keep it In its present condition than to have some low comedian running his cheese knife through the epidermis and leveling off the high places, even if he does enjoy my look of pleasant surprise at the operation. After mv complexion has been peeled down so that a spirit level wouldn't shy much on its surface, this fiend usually gives his pet flies a chance to -feast on my gore while he tells me about tne fa mous men he has shaved. Then he takes pity on me and decides to end my suffer ing by drowning me in bay rum. When he has combed my hair to look like a trapese performer or a slack rope artist, he appears surprised and pained that I am able to crawl out of the chair' and move around in a vain search for my wearing apparel. I have been vainly trying to dodge this tonsorial pest ever since that halcyon day when I discovered a wee lone pin feather struggling for publicity on my upper lip. The only time I have met with any success to speak of in this respect was the other day when I entered a bar ber shop just as a customer was leav ing the chair. I abruptly turned to leave the shop when the barber said, "You're next.' I said. "You bet I'm next since I saw that fellow's face." That was the narrowest escape I ever had. But I am going to quit exercising patience and for bearanco in my dealings with this pest with the petrified nerve. Too much ex ercise results, in overdevelopment, and I find that my patience and forbearance is getting topheavy. Some of these even ings when the janitor goes down into the basement dissecting parlor to sweep up the hair and amputated features, he is going to find this fellow with about six inches of an ax handle extending from his cerebellum out into the gathering gloom. Then the world will know that I have, stood for his familiarity with my features and his anxiety concerning my family af fairs just as long as I am going to. Sic semper tyrannis. The man who has never been a famous humorist and had the great throbbing world waiting with bated breath for ills next' utterance while they are still laugh ing into hysterics over his last, probably hasn't had much experience with the pest who drops into your sanctum with a copy of a paper and generously reads your own jokes to you while he laughs till the tears run down and convert his collar into a dishrag. Then he explains each one to you so that you. will know that he is brilliant enough to see the point and is not groping through the world, in utter ignorance. ' Of course, I can't blame the world for throwing & few convulsions at my chaste and irre pressible humor, but It does pain mo somewhat to have them carry it into my office and. double up over my desk while ception room or a rest room of the O. W. P. Railway Company; pile yoir books around on the tables, try to look Intelligent, and that is all the stock you need. If you intend to use it as a means of livelihood, judicious advertising will help. The people wlU, flock to you. No matter what the money market does; no matter if there's no breakfast food nor prunes in the cupboard: no matter if the proverbial wolf is doing his howling stunt at the door, there are two things that will always re ceive our dough i. e.. the 5-cent thea ter and the fortune-tellers. When your visitor enters, ' always ask. In a high crescendo: "Did you want your palm read?" I've noticed they always say that. Ten chances to one the caller wants to inquire about tomato plants or give you a real moss agate, but it's most likely he wants you to diagnose his hand for him. Always seat your visit or, remove his watch and chain, dia mond pin and studs if you can do so without attracting his attention; col lect your fee in advance and the deal will be on. . (Note There is no fortune-tellers' union, so you may regulate your ad-missi-7i price to correspond to the ear marks of your victim.) Have him write his name and three questions on a slip of paper; In your hand you must hold a similar slip, blank. When he finally gives yo.u his slip (the. length of time will depend on his ability to write) you must deftly ex change the slips, placing your visitor's in your lap, under the table. (If yon are a man you won't have e lap, so you'll have to hold It on your knee.) Burn the blank slip; great business of incantations and weird gibberish. (Be very careful, 'however, he may be a Latin scholar and dissect every in cant and gib.) Whiie he is pre-occupied in watch ing the flames destroy the slip, you can unfold and read what he has writ ten. Then look off into space, grasp y.our hair and whisper his name hoarsely (provided, of course, you havo deciphered It). Answer his questions according to the way he seems to do sire them answered. Never be definite. Ambiguity Is your salvation, and if you touch lightly all around the subject, and never commit yourself, you can make good as a palmist. In studying palms, always begin with the front of the hand, and be careful you get the right hand. Never attempt to read a gloved hand. Cum vate a oersonal touch it is more sat isfactory the results arc obvious and miscellaneous. Always use refined ex pressions when you have fleeced your lamb, speed his departure. There are four lines you must learn and fix In your mind, dear amateur grafter: 1. The life line (see cut). 2. The heart line (see cut Some move). 3. The fata line (see cut again some morel. 4. The head line take another look at cut). There are several thousand minor details like mounts (no, I'm not re ferring to steeds, dear Kosie. although tho hand may belong to a member of WHAT WAS YOUR VOTE'S) NAME BEFORE 5HE YiA5 MARRIED? rTF.TJ-YflTT- OOTTQUR-nOUTH-TO-Rmt-HlL-CHOKEci-YOU- mlH-TaE-LATnDHUail they tie their diaphragm into a knot with mirth over my most touching pathos which I intended for solemn thought, and then tell me how great it is and ask me for the loan of a dollar till ' next pay day. I always cheerfully give them thedol lar, because it is inspiring and encourag ing to know that you -are appreciated in the way that only ue man who wanis to borrow a dollar can appreciate. Then it is so all-fired lucky when the boss comes in to fire me to have, him find my office full of fellows who are rolling around over the floor and gasping for breath at the excruciatingly funny jokes which I write. He always changes his mind and lets me hold down the job fo another week, and he even speaks to me for a few days when we happen to meet. I have got now that when a man comes up and stands on my toes and laughs at some of my witty sayings, I never wait for him to ask me for the loan of a dol By LEONE CASS BAER, With Her Own Hlutration. the mule family). All the tiny lines mean something but they are so con fusing and unnecessary these four- are all you need. Graso the extended hand as if it were a hot potato, or its owner had leprosy, and begin your recitation, making your voice emerge from your boots, or else waver alarmingly in a shrill falsetto. The life line refers, as you have so shrewdly guessed, Blanchie, to your life. I do not know wJiether it begins at the wrist and runs up around the thumb, or vice versa, but I rather think it vice versa. SF.tuF osciorsE:s. lar. I dig it out of my jeans and hand it to him before he has worked up to that point and take the suspense off his mind. I sometimes feel an impulse to grab these pests while they are helpless with mirth and drop them down the elevator shaft, but when I ponder on the result of such an act I always restrain myself. I think of what my wife and family would do if I were to kill off that section of the public that has a motive In reading the new laid gems of thought that brings to them the little manila en velope each week. And when I think that if I committed this overt act per haps some day the boss would come in to fire me and there would be nobody in my office who wanted to borrow a dol lar, and that I would have to go back to unloading steel billets for which' task I am no longer physically fit, my hand is stayed. But the appreciative cuss I am going to splatter around in such a man ner that they will have to collect his It is never missing. It indicates how long you will tarry with us, dear brother. . . Of course palmists are not supposed to be infallible, in spite ,of adver tisements, but if a break occurs any where in the life line, you may, with safety, prognosticate sudden death, fatal accident or marriage. If the sitter wears goggles and n'n KRADIXG HIS PALM. oilskin cap and big coat and has an all-pervading odor of gasoline hang ing over him, predict for him a fright ful death In an automobile collision. If your visitor is a pale, thin, high strung woman, tell her she will ex pire suddenly of heart trouble. Above all else, preserve a cheerful demeanor in making your disclosures. By a litlte observation you can be come an adt-pt on the heart line. Tell policemen they will be shot in '.ho back, or drop dead from over-exertion; chambermaids, messenger boys, streetcar men, health officers and city officiiils will all have their life lines cut in twain by over-devotion to the interests of thoir employers and too faithful performance of duty. Never specify any exact age at which your sitter will be apt to -turn his toes up to the daisies; that would be crude, and besides they might al ready be past the time limit you set. This is especially true of women. m m m Now you pass to the fate line. Always discover a complicated fate line, and hint vaguely at love affairs, escapades and adventures. Lower your voice and talk remains with a blotter, is the pest who J thinks that I am groping along In utter I gnorance of the bushels of joes that arc being poured into the- world over the footlights and through tile comic weeklies, and who thinks that he is con- 1 ferring a great favor and helping along the fruition of my life's ambition by coming in each day and telling me the good ones he has heard and explaining to me how I can use them. - Some morn ing the daughter of Daniel O'Connel. who swabs out my office, is going to hnd a wisp of hair, a section of suspender ami a handful of freckles and she'll wonder if I've become dudish and been renovat ing my manly beauty. But it will be what there is left of that compendium of hum orous information after . I get through with him. It is astonishing the amount of Informa tion and general knowledge possessed by the pest. His extreme generosity in hand ing it out the public does not diminish the supply in the least. In fact, he appears to expand and broaden out as he casts his bread upon the waters, and it is re-J turned a hundred fold with compound in terest and a rake off thrown In until he apparency has the whole knowledge mar ket cornered and holds a first mortgage on the original fountain. Contrary to the practice of the financier who happens to have gobbled up everything on the mar ket from wooden legs to railroads, he does not use his power in "restraint of trade." So that the Sherman anti-trust law does not apply to his case. No. he goes out into -the highways and byways and cheerfully and ungrudgingly takes up the burden of enlightening the world. If he only stuck to the highways and by ways It wouldn't be so bad either, be cause we could duck him by cutting cross lots. But when he comes Into your of fice and sticks his finger Into your ink well to draw plans on the wall paper so that your ignorant and unsophisticated mind will grasp the drift of what he is talking about, then It is high 'time that he be legislated out of business with a pick handle. , We meet him on the trolley cars, in the hotel lobbies, in the saloon, at the theater, and if he is not at the bat he is always on dedk. When you plunk down two hard-earned dollars for a night's en joyment at the theater you frequently find him occupying a seat next to you. or immediately behind you. from which point of vantage he will lean on your clean white collar , and chloroform you with "baited" breath, which' he baits between the acts., while he generously and boisterously explains the play to you so you will not grope blindly through the production wondering what it all means. Then he invariably inserts his thumb be tween your hith and sixth ribs when a pun is produced on the stage. So that you will -understand that it is meant for a joke. The worst of it is that the sur rounding audience thinks he is a friend of yours and wonders, why the ushers don't put you both out. In addition to this feature of your night's entertainment, when you came to the box office to purchase your tickets you have probably found that species of the pest that is lways present on such occasions. I mean the woman who squeezes in at the front end of the line and camiB in front of the box office win dow while she inquires into the relative merits of the balcony, the parquet and the dress circle, the comparative prices, etc. Then she gives a detailed and ex of meetings with the fateful one out at the Oaks, the Park or Oregon City. Talk of moonlight trolley rides. (Be sure and don't say "parks by moonlight," for you aren't allowed, in the parks after 9 o'clock and the Plaza blocks are so de void of romance.) The headline does not refer to composi tion writing. Molly. It has solely to do with your mentality. If you have any. People who go to see fortune-tellers are usually deficient in mentality. But you can tell them they are born soldiers, statesmen, Carnegie heroes. and diplomats. If your sitter is bull-headed and pig-eyed, witli a receding chin, im press it on him that ho is a natural leader. Tell the long-haired ones they'd make poets, musicians and artists. (No doubt they would if Bohemiansm. dirt and hair were all that is required.) Always tell very young sissy men, as well as snowy-headed 'old sports, that they are regular devils among the fair sex. and tell- roues that they are typical cynics and men of the world. The heart line indicates whether you . are long or BIIOI L UN BCMlMlirilL. Always tell your patients they are gen erous to a fault. They may be so stingy that they boil tears to save the salt, but never you mind; they like to be consid ered generous, and you can't pile it on too thick: Speak of unsuccessful rivals'. of thwarted diabolical schemes to ruin the sitter; use the word "beware" indiscrim inately and promiscuously ft wo words more as long as those and I'll have my space tilled). tended Yiiograohy of the different mem bers of her party, and explains to the box office man ahout her aged aunt, who is slightly deaf and near-sighted and could neither see nor hear very well from the balcony, but she don't like the orchefltra seats very well on account of being' so close that the paint and powder on the faces of the actresses show un too plain. Pile gives him a list of the different thea ters siie has attended and how well she liked certain seats, and explains to him that she doesn't like the end seats on account of people shoving In and out past her, and she doesn't like the cen ter peats on account of getting in and out herself. Then she has him explain the performance I to her. so she will know whether it is worth going to or not, and finally compromises by taking the cheapest seats In the house, so that if it isn't wortli much she won't be out so much. Then she opens up a hand bag' and removes a quantity of lace, writing material and wearing apparel which she stacks up on the window ledge while she hunts fox her money. After she has paid for her tickets everybody in the line heaves a sigh of relief, but she has to wait to count her change because the,sign above the window says to examine change before leaving window, then she has the box office man count it over for her and explain how it is that she hasn't got more coming to her. When you finally get your tickets you have missed the first act, but the pest who is waiting for you inside gener- -ously tells you all about it while the second act is going on so that you suc ceed in miasing it as well, and when the show is over you crawl Into your over coat and make your escape to the near est saloon to drpwn your sorrow and get what little enjoyment out of the evening that there is yet time for' before the closing hour, and, there you bump into another pest, who comes and stands on your patent leather shoes and blows rings from a royal cabbage leaf cigar into your face, flavored witti the odor of second-hand whisky. You become so intoxicated with joy or some thing else at this that the barkeep re fuses to recognize you any further, and you take a car for home with murder in your heart. When you join the after-tiieatcr crowd homeward bound on the trolley car, you are not in the mood for en tertaining any more pests. But he is there all right, and wiien he approaches you on the back platform of the crowd ed car and uses the-lapel of your coat for a straphanger and pushes the end of a burnt-out cigar into your eye at every lurch, you promptly double his stomach over the controller box and Jam his head through the window while, you lynch him with the trolley rope. It is then that you begin to get tho first real enjoyment that you have had during the entire evening. You giggle In childish glee as his complexion be gins to take on an 'Alice Blue tingo from the effects of the trolley rope, and when his tongue goes out into an adjacent street and wraps around a lamp-post your joy is uncontined. You post your forfeit at the police station and go home thinking that after all your evening has not been barren of pleasure, and mentally resolving to blow all your spare cash in police for feits and fines purchasing more pleas ure of the same brand. AFl-'KCTIOX. I repeat, you can't overwork the heart line. - Here are a few signs and never-failing Indicators'. Follow them in your palm istry and you will wear- paste jewelry: Hands on hips if a cowboy watch out: if the cook also watch out; if the bnllet girl nothing particular. Hand holding a bottle signifies love of drink. (I'nless it's the catsup or a nursing bottle.) Holding a rollingpin defense. Upheld in air "Teacher may I leave the room?" Forefinger extended at arm's length "Is that the Wells-Fargo building?" Descending palm downward on reclin- (OnneHnUd on Pflsre 11.)
