THE SUNDAY OREfiOMAX, PORTLAND, FEBRUARY 33, 1908.
SOME PESTS
BV JIM NASIUM.
DON'T suppose there Is a man living
who hasn't at Borne time wished, that
the laws of heaven and earth would go
I
out of business just long enough to allow
him to seize some murderous weapon and
lender the world a lasting service by los
ing it so effectually among the vital or
gans of the particular pest who happens
to be on the Job at that psychological mo
ment, that the coroner couldn't find it
with a search warrant. I am not of a
naturally bloodthirsty disposition, but
how often, oh how often have I envied
the desperado his reckless contempt for
the law. I am inclined to be thoughtful
in regard to the consequences of any act
which I am about to commit, and this
trait in my cliaracter has frequently pre
vented me from taking a job off the fool
killers' hands. J Ttsave been brought up
in a Christian-like spirit to obey the sixth
commandment, yet I recognize certain
extenuating circumstances which puts the
sixth commandment on the blink for the
time being. But I am always fearful lest
the law and I do not see these extenu
ating circumstances in the same light.
And so it is that when I am deep In
communion with the muse fishing for the
pearls of thought which render it- possible
for me to look the landlord in the face
without blushing, and some cheerful idiot
blows in and reclines on my typewriter
while he reels off about five miles of stale
vaudeville jokes for my amusement and
edification, so it is that just when I am
reaching for the paper weight or the fil
tered water bottle the specter of the law
comes up before me aid his life is spared.
But some of these days one of these
pests Is going to go a little bit too far,
and the coroner will come in and hold an
inquest over a grease spot on my office
linoleum. Then the clutches of the law
will grip me and I will go to the New
Jerusalem through a trap door, with a
piece of hemp rope to keep my feet from
trailing in the dust. But the fear of death
will not be upon me. I will go gladly.
Nay, even hilariously. I will hum a merry
little ditty of joy and gladness as the
black cap . is adjusted, and I will be
launched into Eternity singing, "ain't it
funny when you foel that way." For my
life's ambition will be gratified, and I
will know that I have not lived in vain.
The pest is of a wide variety of species,
existing in both animal and Insect life.
Various poisons and ingenious contrap
tions have been invented from time to
time which with the proper patience will
afford some relief from the insect pest
and also from certain species of the an
imal pest. But the species of pest which
masquerades in human clothes is protect
ed by law, and inventive genius has not
yet turned out an Instrument of destruc
tion which will create much of a mortal
ity in his ranks and at the same time
evade the law. But I am preparing a bill
to present to the game commission which
will allow an open season during which
gurmtng for pests will be lawful, and con
siderable sport and an infinite amount of
satisfaction may result.
f this bill of mine passes I will take
HAVE recently taken tip the sub
ject of palmistry (hands not
trees). It is quite fashionable now
i
as a fad, and since it requires neither
common sense nor actual cleverness,
there are a lot of us who can- enter
the graduating class without exam
ination. For the benefit of those aspiring to
this handAiolding game a few general
hints may not be amiss. If you are of
the feminine persuasion (I accept your
correction, John Henry; persuasion is
not a:i apt word to use in reference
to a woman). Well, as I said, if you
are of the feminine brand and are go
ing in for palmistry, either for pastime
or plunder, you must first invest in
a clingy-clinging Olga Leathersole
gown of Indescribable hues all run to
gether like some of the cute amateur
water colors at the Art Institute. Wear
with It one of those wide, deep girdles
like you see on the leading lady when
she receives the villain in her boudoir.
I've never seen these girdles else
where than on pictures of the Sultan's
wives, leading ladies, fortune-tellers
and millionairesses. Maybe the shops
Eoif . to Become a Sueceisaf ill Palmist-
LINKS OP THE HAXD. '
THAT I HAVE KNOWN
A 600DONE I -,
CLheard las7 Kiiam.
X. Yoy kin use rr m , .
A&TORY.
Lra'Ou-TiT'iTPmnER-
SSD-REELS-OMiBOUT-'
FW&mMF-c)TALE;
Y1UDLY1LLL-J0KE6.
my vacation each year during this open
season, and I will purchase an arsenal of
blunderbusses and a supply of giant pow
der and slugs and dynamite bombs and
pitch my camp on the trail of the perni
cious pest. And the frightful mortality
which I will create in his ranks will make
the extermination of the buffalo look like
the puny efforts of a pea shooter.
Probably the first pest I will go after is
the one whose special field of activity is
the barber shop, and whose most prom
inent trait seems to be t'o get you in the
barber chair and Inquire into your family
history, and when you open your mouth
to reply he chokes you with the lather
brush. Then he leans across the bridge
of your nose while ho mentally debates
whether to cut off your head ana let It
fail back over the head rest or to strangle
you with a Turkish towel. After deciding
on a slower and more painful deeth in
order to prolong his pleasure, he invaria
bly cuts a wart off your chin and drops
it into the cuspidore while distracting
bull InrtftiTrtfmnr tnt n rnitntip Hint! r Ica tai EiIaamma o i.tflltniA stJcimir
don't carry them. If they do not, you
can compromise with a red sash and
a jeweled stomacher; with all sorts of
appurtenances to clink and rattle
whenever you move about.
Wear your hair like a poster girl,
weight your unmanicured fingers with
rings, and your arms with bracelets,
put on a pint of powder and two bits'
worth of cheap perfume, and you are
nearlOa palmist. All you lack is ex
perience. If you are a man, you won't go in
for it to make a living; no honest man
could. Robbing a bank or sandbagging
is honorable in comparison.
But if you go in at all to be a
palmist, you must wear a white vest,
a Gibson girl stickpin and drape your
watch chain across your equator.
You must smell strongly of bay
rum and use a quill toothpick with
a gold handle. Unless you can afford
such luxuries, you may as well give up
all idea of becoming a palmist.
Fix up your room like a dentist's re-
your attention with happy selections from
Joe Miller's joke book.
My face is not of the rotund alder
manic proportions which makes easy ridr
ing for the razor, and the ramjticatinns
of canyons and mesas on its surface may
not bo picturesque In the extreme. But it
is the only face I have and I am 'very
uch attached to it, so I prefer rather
to keep it In its present condition than
to have some low comedian running his
cheese knife through the epidermis and
leveling off the high places, even if he
does enjoy my look of pleasant surprise
at the operation.
After mv complexion has been peeled
down so that a spirit level wouldn't shy
much on its surface, this fiend usually
gives his pet flies a chance to -feast on
my gore while he tells me about tne fa
mous men he has shaved. Then he takes
pity on me and decides to end my suffer
ing by drowning me in bay rum. When
he has combed my hair to look like a
trapese performer or a slack rope artist,
he appears surprised and pained that I
am able to crawl out of the chair' and
move around in a vain search for my
wearing apparel.
I have been vainly trying to dodge this
tonsorial pest ever since that halcyon
day when I discovered a wee lone pin
feather struggling for publicity on my
upper lip. The only time I have met with
any success to speak of in this respect
was the other day when I entered a bar
ber shop just as a customer was leav
ing the chair. I abruptly turned to leave
the shop when the barber said, "You're
next.' I said. "You bet I'm next since
I saw that fellow's face." That was the
narrowest escape I ever had. But I am
going to quit exercising patience and for
bearanco in my dealings with this pest
with the petrified nerve. Too much ex
ercise results, in overdevelopment, and I
find that my patience and forbearance is
getting topheavy. Some of these even
ings when the janitor goes down into the
basement dissecting parlor to sweep up
the hair and amputated features, he is
going to find this fellow with about six
inches of an ax handle extending from his
cerebellum out into the gathering gloom.
Then the world will know that I have,
stood for his familiarity with my features
and his anxiety concerning my family af
fairs just as long as I am going to. Sic
semper tyrannis.
The man who has never been a famous
humorist and had the great throbbing
world waiting with bated breath for ills
next' utterance while they are still laugh
ing into hysterics over his last, probably
hasn't had much experience with the pest
who drops into your sanctum with a
copy of a paper and generously reads
your own jokes to you while he laughs
till the tears run down and convert his
collar into a dishrag. Then he explains
each one to you so that you. will know
that he is brilliant enough to see the
point and is not groping through the
world, in utter ignorance. ' Of course, I
can't blame the world for throwing &
few convulsions at my chaste and irre
pressible humor, but It does pain mo
somewhat to have them carry it into my
office and. double up over my desk while
ception room or a rest room of the
O. W. P. Railway Company; pile yoir
books around on the tables, try to
look Intelligent, and that is all the
stock you need.
If you intend to use it as a means
of livelihood, judicious advertising will
help. The people wlU, flock to you.
No matter what the money market
does; no matter if there's no breakfast
food nor prunes in the cupboard: no
matter if the proverbial wolf is doing
his howling stunt at the door, there
are two things that will always re
ceive our dough i. e.. the 5-cent thea
ter and the fortune-tellers.
When your visitor enters, ' always
ask. In a high crescendo: "Did you
want your palm read?"
I've noticed they always say that.
Ten chances to one the caller wants
to inquire about tomato plants or give
you a real moss agate, but it's most
likely he wants you to diagnose his
hand for him. Always seat your visit
or, remove his watch and chain, dia
mond pin and studs if you can do so
without attracting his attention; col
lect your fee in advance and the deal
will be on. .
(Note There is no fortune-tellers'
union, so you may regulate your ad-missi-7i
price to correspond to the ear
marks of your victim.)
Have him write his name and three
questions on a slip of paper; In your
hand you must hold a similar slip,
blank.
When he finally gives yo.u his slip
(the. length of time will depend on his
ability to write) you must deftly ex
change the slips, placing your visitor's
in your lap, under the table. (If yon
are a man you won't have e lap, so
you'll have to hold It on your knee.)
Burn the blank slip; great business
of incantations and weird gibberish.
(Be very careful, 'however, he may be
a Latin scholar and dissect every in
cant and gib.)
Whiie he is pre-occupied in watch
ing the flames destroy the slip, you
can unfold and read what he has writ
ten. Then look off into space, grasp
y.our hair and whisper his name
hoarsely (provided, of course, you havo
deciphered It). Answer his questions
according to the way he seems to do
sire them answered. Never be definite.
Ambiguity Is your salvation, and if you
touch lightly all around the subject,
and never commit yourself, you can
make good as a palmist.
In studying palms, always begin
with the front of the hand, and be
careful you get the right hand. Never
attempt to read a gloved hand. Cum
vate a oersonal touch it is more sat
isfactory the results arc obvious and
miscellaneous. Always use refined ex
pressions when you have fleeced your
lamb, speed his departure.
There are four lines you must learn
and fix In your mind, dear amateur
grafter:
1. The life line (see cut).
2. The heart line (see cut Some
move).
3. The fata line (see cut again some
morel.
4. The head line take another look
at cut).
There are several thousand minor
details like mounts (no, I'm not re
ferring to steeds, dear Kosie. although
tho hand may belong to a member of
WHAT WAS YOUR VOTE'S)
NAME BEFORE 5HE
YiA5 MARRIED?
rTF.TJ-YflTT-
OOTTQUR-nOUTH-TO-Rmt-HlL-CHOKEci-YOU-
mlH-TaE-LATnDHUail
they tie their diaphragm into a knot with
mirth over my most touching pathos
which I intended for solemn thought, and
then tell me how great it is and ask me
for the loan of a dollar till ' next pay
day.
I always cheerfully give them thedol
lar, because it is inspiring and encourag
ing to know that you -are appreciated in
the way that only ue man who wanis
to borrow a dollar can appreciate. Then
it is so all-fired lucky when the boss
comes in to fire me to have, him find my
office full of fellows who are rolling
around over the floor and gasping for
breath at the excruciatingly funny jokes
which I write. He always changes his
mind and lets me hold down the job fo
another week, and he even speaks to me
for a few days when we happen to meet.
I have got now that when a man comes
up and stands on my toes and laughs at
some of my witty sayings, I never wait
for him to ask me for the loan of a dol
By LEONE CASS BAER,
With Her Own Hlutration.
the mule family). All the tiny lines
mean something but they are so con
fusing and unnecessary these four- are
all you need.
Graso the extended hand as if it
were a hot potato, or its owner had
leprosy, and begin your recitation,
making your voice emerge from your
boots, or else waver alarmingly in a
shrill falsetto. The life line refers,
as you have so shrewdly guessed,
Blanchie, to your life. I do not know
wJiether it begins at the wrist and
runs up around the thumb, or vice
versa, but I rather think it vice versa.
SF.tuF osciorsE:s.
lar. I dig it out of my jeans and hand
it to him before he has worked up to that
point and take the suspense off his mind.
I sometimes feel an impulse to grab
these pests while they are helpless with
mirth and drop them down the elevator
shaft, but when I ponder on the result
of such an act I always restrain myself.
I think of what my wife and family
would do if I were to kill off that
section of the public that has a motive
In reading the new laid gems of thought
that brings to them the little manila en
velope each week. And when I think
that if I committed this overt act per
haps some day the boss would come in
to fire me and there would be nobody
in my office who wanted to borrow a dol
lar, and that I would have to go back
to unloading steel billets for which' task
I am no longer physically fit, my hand is
stayed. But the appreciative cuss I am
going to splatter around in such a man
ner that they will have to collect his
It is never missing. It indicates how
long you will tarry with us, dear
brother. . .
Of course palmists are not supposed
to be infallible, in spite ,of adver
tisements, but if a break occurs any
where in the life line, you may, with
safety, prognosticate sudden death,
fatal accident or marriage.
If the sitter wears goggles and n'n
KRADIXG HIS PALM.
oilskin cap and big coat and has an
all-pervading odor of gasoline hang
ing over him, predict for him a fright
ful death In an automobile collision.
If your visitor is a pale, thin, high
strung woman, tell her she will ex
pire suddenly of heart trouble. Above
all else, preserve a cheerful demeanor
in making your disclosures.
By a litlte observation you can be
come an adt-pt on the heart line.
Tell policemen they will be shot in
'.ho back, or drop dead from over-exertion;
chambermaids, messenger boys,
streetcar men, health officers and city
officiiils will all have their life lines
cut in twain by over-devotion to the
interests of thoir employers and too
faithful performance of duty.
Never specify any exact age at
which your sitter will be apt to -turn
his toes up to the daisies; that would
be crude, and besides they might al
ready be past the time limit you set.
This is especially true of women.
m m m
Now you pass to the fate line. Always
discover a complicated fate line, and hint
vaguely at love affairs, escapades and
adventures. Lower your voice and talk
remains with a blotter, is the pest who J
thinks that I am groping along In utter I
gnorance of the bushels of joes that
arc being poured into the- world over
the footlights and through tile comic
weeklies, and who thinks that he is con- 1
ferring a great favor and helping along
the fruition of my life's ambition by
coming in each day and telling me the
good ones he has heard and explaining
to me how I can use them. - Some morn
ing the daughter of Daniel O'Connel. who
swabs out my office, is going to hnd a
wisp of hair, a section of suspender ami
a handful of freckles and she'll wonder
if I've become dudish and been renovat
ing my manly beauty. But it will be what
there is left of that compendium of hum
orous information after . I get through
with him.
It is astonishing the amount of Informa
tion and general knowledge possessed by
the pest. His extreme generosity in hand
ing it out the public does not diminish the
supply in the least. In fact, he appears
to expand and broaden out as he casts
his bread upon the waters, and it is re-J
turned a hundred fold with compound in
terest and a rake off thrown In until he
apparency has the whole knowledge mar
ket cornered and holds a first mortgage
on the original fountain. Contrary to the
practice of the financier who happens to
have gobbled up everything on the mar
ket from wooden legs to railroads, he
does not use his power in "restraint of
trade." So that the Sherman anti-trust
law does not apply to his case. No. he
goes out into -the highways and byways
and cheerfully and ungrudgingly takes up
the burden of enlightening the world. If
he only stuck to the highways and by
ways It wouldn't be so bad either, be
cause we could duck him by cutting cross
lots. But when he comes Into your of
fice and sticks his finger Into your ink
well to draw plans on the wall paper so
that your ignorant and unsophisticated
mind will grasp the drift of what he is
talking about, then It is high 'time that he
be legislated out of business with a pick
handle. ,
We meet him on the trolley cars, in
the hotel lobbies, in the saloon, at the
theater, and if he is not at the bat he is
always on dedk. When you plunk down
two hard-earned dollars for a night's en
joyment at the theater you frequently
find him occupying a seat next to you.
or immediately behind you. from which
point of vantage he will lean on your
clean white collar , and chloroform you
with "baited" breath, which' he baits
between the acts., while he generously and
boisterously explains the play to you so
you will not grope blindly through the
production wondering what it all means.
Then he invariably inserts his thumb be
tween your hith and sixth ribs when a
pun is produced on the stage. So that
you will -understand that it is meant for
a joke. The worst of it is that the sur
rounding audience thinks he is a friend
of yours and wonders, why the ushers
don't put you both out.
In addition to this feature of your
night's entertainment, when you came to
the box office to purchase your tickets
you have probably found that species of
the pest that is lways present on such
occasions. I mean the woman who
squeezes in at the front end of the line
and camiB in front of the box office win
dow while she inquires into the relative
merits of the balcony, the parquet and
the dress circle, the comparative prices,
etc. Then she gives a detailed and ex
of meetings with the fateful one out at
the Oaks, the Park or Oregon City. Talk
of moonlight trolley rides. (Be sure and
don't say "parks by moonlight," for you
aren't allowed, in the parks after 9
o'clock and the Plaza blocks are so de
void of romance.)
The headline does not refer to composi
tion writing. Molly. It has solely to do
with your mentality. If you have any.
People who go to see fortune-tellers are
usually deficient in mentality. But you
can tell them they are born soldiers,
statesmen, Carnegie heroes. and
diplomats. If your sitter is bull-headed
and pig-eyed, witli a receding chin, im
press it on him that ho is a natural
leader. Tell the long-haired ones they'd
make poets, musicians and artists. (No
doubt they would if Bohemiansm. dirt
and hair were all that is required.)
Always tell very young sissy men, as
well as snowy-headed 'old sports, that
they are regular devils among the fair
sex. and tell- roues that they are typical
cynics and men of the world. The heart
line indicates whether you . are long or
BIIOI L UN BCMlMlirilL.
Always tell your patients they are gen
erous to a fault. They may be so stingy
that they boil tears to save the salt, but
never you mind; they like to be consid
ered generous, and you can't pile it on
too thick:
Speak of unsuccessful rivals'. of
thwarted diabolical schemes to ruin the
sitter; use the word "beware" indiscrim
inately and promiscuously ft wo words
more as long as those and I'll have my
space tilled).
tended Yiiograohy of the different mem
bers of her party, and explains to the box
office man ahout her aged aunt, who is
slightly deaf and near-sighted and could
neither see nor hear very well from the
balcony, but she don't like the orchefltra
seats very well on account of being' so
close that the paint and powder on the
faces of the actresses show un too plain.
Pile gives him a list of the different thea
ters siie has attended and how well she
liked certain seats, and explains to him
that she doesn't like the end seats on
account of people shoving In and out
past her, and she doesn't like the cen
ter peats on account of getting in and
out herself. Then she has him explain
the performance I to her. so she will
know whether it is worth going to or
not, and finally compromises by taking
the cheapest seats In the house, so that
if it isn't wortli much she won't be out
so much. Then she opens up a hand
bag' and removes a quantity of lace,
writing material and wearing apparel
which she stacks up on the window
ledge while she hunts fox her money.
After she has paid for her tickets
everybody in the line heaves a sigh of
relief, but she has to wait to count
her change because the,sign above the
window says to examine change before
leaving window, then she has the box
office man count it over for her and
explain how it is that she hasn't got
more coming to her.
When you finally get your tickets you
have missed the first act, but the pest
who is waiting for you inside gener- -ously
tells you all about it while the
second act is going on so that you suc
ceed in miasing it as well, and when the
show is over you crawl Into your over
coat and make your escape to the near
est saloon to drpwn your sorrow and
get what little enjoyment out of
the evening that there is yet time
for' before the closing hour, and, there
you bump into another pest, who comes
and stands on your patent leather shoes
and blows rings from a royal cabbage
leaf cigar into your face, flavored witti
the odor of second-hand whisky. You
become so intoxicated with joy or some
thing else at this that the barkeep re
fuses to recognize you any further, and
you take a car for home with murder
in your heart.
When you join the after-tiieatcr
crowd homeward bound on the trolley
car, you are not in the mood for en
tertaining any more pests. But he is
there all right, and wiien he approaches
you on the back platform of the crowd
ed car and uses the-lapel of your coat
for a straphanger and pushes the end
of a burnt-out cigar into your eye at
every lurch, you promptly double his
stomach over the controller box and
Jam his head through the window while,
you lynch him with the trolley rope.
It is then that you begin to get tho
first real enjoyment that you have had
during the entire evening. You giggle
In childish glee as his complexion be
gins to take on an 'Alice Blue tingo
from the effects of the trolley rope,
and when his tongue goes out into an
adjacent street and wraps around a
lamp-post your joy is uncontined. You
post your forfeit at the police station
and go home thinking that after all
your evening has not been barren of
pleasure, and mentally resolving to
blow all your spare cash in police for
feits and fines purchasing more pleas
ure of the same brand.
AFl-'KCTIOX.
I repeat, you can't overwork the heart
line.
-
Here are a few signs and never-failing
Indicators'. Follow them in your palm
istry and you will wear- paste jewelry:
Hands on hips if a cowboy watch
out: if the cook also watch out; if the
bnllet girl nothing particular. Hand
holding a bottle signifies love of drink.
(I'nless it's the catsup or a nursing
bottle.)
Holding a rollingpin defense.
Upheld in air "Teacher may I leave
the room?"
Forefinger extended at arm's length
"Is that the Wells-Fargo building?"
Descending palm downward on reclin-
(OnneHnUd on Pflsre 11.)