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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (July 7, 1907)
3 n( Ji teg? .SIKllv il iW 111" 1ll-WW.ll l...lfHW.Wf,'WJW -JWHUJ ilW.WPliJP i WJU I" '"in II 1 ' I I I' I III h !'l iiuuJTOiBi uii.m n. ,,, ,M i, jj .n wh. i. n., ., -in.i-mi.i. t i Hand That Riles the World Copyright. 190". In the United States and Great Britain. ANY of our greatest men." said I (apropos of many things), "have declared that they owe their succes to the aid and encourage ment of gome brilliant woman." "I know." said Jeff Peters. "I've read Ih history and mythology about Joan of Arc and Mme. Yale and Mrs. Caudle and Eve and other noted females of the past. But. In my opin ion, the woman of today is of little use in politics or business. What's she best in, anyway? men make the best cooks, milliners, nurses, housekeepers, stenographers, clerks, hairdressers and launderers. About the only job left that women can beat a man In is feinaje inpersonator. in vaudeville. "I would have thought," said I, "that occasionally, anyhow, you would have found the wit ,and intuition of woman valuable to you in your lines of-er- business?" 'Now, wouldn't you," said Jeff, with an emphatic nod "wouldn't you have imagined that? But a woman is an ab solutely unreliable partner in any straight swindle. She's liable to turn honest on you when you are depending upon her most. I tried 'em once." "Bill Humble, an old friend of mine in the Territories, conceived the illu sion that he wanted to be appointed United States Marshal. At that time me and Andy was doing a square, legitimate business of selling walklng ranes. If you unscrewed the head of one and turned It up to your mouth a half pint" of good rye whisky would go trickling down your throat to re ward you for your act of Intelligence. The deputies was annoying me and Andy some, and when Bill spoke to me about hi officious aspirations, I saw how bis appointment as Marshal might help along the firm of Peters & Tucker. " 'Jeff,' says Bill to me, 'you are a man of learning and education, besides having knowledge , and information concerning not only rudiments but facts and attainments.' " 'I do so,' says I, 'and I have never regretted it. I -am not one,' says I, 'who would cheapen education by making it free. Tell me," says I, 'which Is of the most value to man kind, literature or horse' racing?' " "Why er , playing the po I mean, of course, the poets and the great writer have got the call,' of course,' says Bill. " 'Kxactly, says I. 'Then why do the master minds of finance and phil anthropy,' says I, 'charge us 12 to get Into a race track and let us Into a li brary free? Is that distilling into the masses,' says I, 'a correct estimate of the relative value of the two means of self-culture and disorder?' " 'You are arguing outside of my faculties of sense and rhetoric,' says Bill. 'What I wanted you to do is to go to Washington and .dig out this ap pointment for me. I haven't no ideas of cultivation and intrigue. ' I'm a plain citizen; and I need the job. I've killed seven men,' says Bill; 'I've got nine children; I've been a good Re pultcan ever since the first of May; I can't read nor write, and I see no rea son why I ain't illegible for the office. And I think your partner, Mr. Tucker,' goes on Bill, 'is also a man of suffi cient ingratiation and connected sys tem of mental delinquency to assist you In securing the appointment. I will give you preliminarily,' says Bill, '$1000 for drinks, bribes and carfare in Washington. If you land the job I will play you J1000 more, cash down, and guarantee you impunity in boot legging whisky for 12 months. Are you patriotic to the West enough to help me put this thing through the Whitewashed Wigwam of the Great Father of the most eastern flag station of the Pennsylvania Railroad?' saya BUI. "Well, I talked to Andy about it, and he liked the idea immense. Andy was a man of an Involved nature. He was never content to plod along, as I was selling to the peasantry some little tool like a combination steak beater, shoe horn, marewi waver, monkey wrench, nail He, potato masher and Multura in Parvo tuning fork. Andy had the ar tistic temper, which is not to be judged as a preacher's or a moral man's is by purely commercial deflections. So we accepted Bill's offer, and strikes out for Washington. "Says I to Ajidy, when we get located at a hotel on South Dakota avenue, G. S. S. W.: 'Now. Andy, for the first time In our lives we've got to do a real dis honest act. Lobbying is something we've never been used to; but we've got to scan dalise ourselves for Bill Humbles sake. phone With one hand, and drinking tea with the other. " 'Well, boys,' says she after a bit,, what is ltr "I told her in as few words as possible what we wanted for Bill, and the price we could pay. ' 'Those Western appointments,' says she. 'are easy. Le'me see, now," says she, 'who could put that through for us. No use fooling with. Territorial dele- promptly and spread a report that the other candidate's wife had once been a shoplifter. They are no more adapt ed for business and politics,' says I, 'than Algernon Charles Swinburne Is to be floor manager at one of Chuck Connor's annual balls. I know,' says I to Andy, 'that sometimes a woman seems to step out Jnto the kajsomine light as the ' charge d'affaires of her man's political Job. But how does It TM A PLAIN CITIZEN; AND I NEED THE JOB' Remarks by John L. Sullivan In a straight and legitimate business.' says I, 'we could afford to introduce a little foul play and chicanery, but in a disorderly and heinous piece of malprac tice like this it seems to me that the straightforward and aboveboard way is the best. I propose," says I, 'that we hand over 1500 of this money to the chairman of the National campaign com mittee, get a receipt, lay the receipt on the President's desk and tell him about Bill. The President Is a man who would appreciate a candidate who went about getting office that way instead of pull ing wires. "Andy agreed with me, but after we talked the scheme over with the hotel clerk we give that plan up. 'He told us that there was only one way to get an appointment in Washington, and that was through a lady lobbyist. He give us the address of one he recommended, a Mrs. Avery, who he said was high up in sociable and diplomatic rings and circles. "The next morning at 10 o'clock me and Andy called at her hotel, and was shown up to her reception room. "This Mrs. Avery was a solace and a balm to the eyesight. She had hair the color of the back of a twenty-dollar gold certificate, bhie eyes and a system of beauty that would make the girl on the cover of a July magazine look like a cook on a Monongahela coal barge. "She had on a low-necked dress cov ered with sliver spangleB. and diamond rings and ear bobs.' Her arms was bare, and she was using a desk tele- gates. I guess,' says she, 'that Senator Sniper would be about the man. He's from somewheres in the West. Let's see how he stands on my private menu card.' She takes some papers out of a pigeon hole with the letter 'S' over it. " 'Yes,' says she, 'he's marked with a star; that means "ready to serve." Now, let's see. "Age 55; married twicer Pres byterian, likes blondes, hobbles, Tolstoi, poker and stewed terrapin; sentimental at third bottle of wine." 'Yes.' she goes on, 'I am sure I can have your friend, Mr. Bummer, appointed Minister to Brazil.' ' 'Humble,' says I. .'And United States Marshal was the berth.' " 'O, yes,' says Mrs. Avery. "I have so many deals of this sort I some times get them confused. Give me all the memoranda you have of the case, Mr. Peters, and come back in four days. I think It can be arranged by then.' "So me and Andy goes back to our hotel and waits. .Andy walks iip and down and chews the left end of his mustache. " 'A woman of high intellect and per fect beauty Is a rare thing, Jeff,' says he. - . " 'As rare, says I, 'as an omelet made from the eggs of the fabulous bird known as the epidermis,' says I. " 'A woman like that," says Andy, 'ought to lead a man to the highest po sitions of opulence and fame.' '"I misdoubt,' says I, 'if any woman ever helped a man to secure a job any more than to have his meals ready come out? Say, they have a neat lit tle berth somewhere as foreign Con sul of record to Afghanistan or locie keepeY on the Delaware and Raritan Canal. One day this man finds his wife putting on her overshoes and three months' supply of birdseed ' into the canary's cage. 'Sioux Falls?' he asks with, a kind of hopeful light In his eye. 'No, Arthur," says she, 'Washing ton. We're wasted here.' says she. 'You ought to be Toady Extraordinary to the Court of St. Bridget or Head Porter of the Island of Porto Rico. I'm gol.ia; to see about it.' "'Then this lady, I says to Andy 'moves against the authorities at Wash ington with nor .baggage and muni tions, consisting "of five dozen lndis crlmlnating letters written to her by a member of the Cabinet when she was 15; a letter of Introduction from Kins; Leopold to the Smithsonian Institu tion, and a pink silk costume with canary-colored spats. " 'Well, and then what?' I goes on. 'She has the letters printed In the even ing papers that match her costume, she lectures at an informal tea given .in the palm room of the B. & O. depot and then calls on the President. The ninth Assistant Secretary of Commerce and Labor, the first aide-de-camp of the Blue Room and an unidentified colored man are waiting there to grasp her by the hands and feet. They carry her out to S. W. B. street and leave her on a cellar door. That ends It The next time we hear of her she is writing postal cards to the Chinese Minister asking: him to get Arthur a job in a tea store.' " 'Then,' says Andy, 'you don't think Mrs. Avery will land the Marshalship for Bill?" I do not," says I. 'I do not wish to be aseptic, but I doubt if she can do- as well as you and me could have done.' "I "don't agree with you,' says Andy. 'I'll bet you she does. I'm proud of hav ing a higher opinion of the talent and the powers of negotiation of ladies.' " 'We was back at Mrs. Avery's hotel at the time she appointed. She was look ing pretty and fine enough, as far as that went, to make any man let her name everu, officer in the country. But I hadn t much faith in looks, so I was certainly surprised when she pulls out a document with the great seal pf the United States on It, and 'William Henry Humble' in a fine, big hand on the back. " 'You might have had it the next day, boys,' says Mrs. Avery smiling. 'I hadn't the slightest trouble. In getting it,' Says she. 'I Just asked for It, that's all. Now, I'd like to talk to you a while,' she goes on, 'but I'm awfully busy, and I know you'll excuse me. I've got an Ambassa dorship, two Consulates and a dozen other minor applications to look after. I can hardly find time to sleep at all. You'll give my compliments to Mr. . Humble when you get home, of course.' "Well, I handed her the J500, which she pitched into her desk drawer without counting. " I put Bill's appointment In my pocket and me and Andy made our adieus. "We started back- for the territory the same day. We wired Bill: 'Job landed; get the tall glasses ready,' and we felt pretty good. " "Andy joshed me all the way about how little I knew about women. " 'All right,' says I. 'I'll admit that she surprised me. But it's the first time I ever knew one of 'em to manipulate a piece of business on time without getting It bungled up in some way,' says I. "Down about the edge of Arkansas I got out Bill's appointment and looked' It over, and then I handed It to Andy to I " CELLING WAI.KIN G CANES read. Andy read It, but didn't add any remarks to my silence. "The paper was for Bill, all right, and a genuine document, but it appointed him postmaster of Dade City, Fla. "Me and Andy got off the train at Lit tle Rock and sent Bill's appointment to him by mall. Then we struck northeast toward Lake Superior. "I never saw Bill Humble after that." (Copyright. 1907 by S. S. McClure Co. in the United States and Great Britain.) Mr "WEXL.BOTO WHAT IS IT.?' Y father was a typical Irishman. d I'm glad he was.. I don't mean was the kind you see on the vaudeville stage, but the real article. He came over here because the British gov ernment was handing him and his tribe so many lemons that he wanted a change to healthier food.. After he landed the country may have owed him a living, but he had to go out and show them. before the bread and butter was passed to him and the pie was a long time coming. Af ter a while he got along fairly well, his old age was comfortable and he was sat isfied. ' But while he was for America against the world when it came to a show-down, he had an Irishman's love for Ireland, and there wasn't much over here that couldn't be bettered in Ireland, let him tell it. When I became champion he was phased, but he didn't get chesty over It, and he liked to remind me of the great men that represented Ireland In the ring, and wished that some of them were over here to show their style. One time a friend of my father's met him, and, as they hadn't met in a long time, the friend began to throw bouquets my way. He rubbed the .taffy In pretty strong and wound up with this: "My, Oh, my, Mr. Sullivan, but It's a proud man you ought to be with a son mat's champion of the .wur-ruld." ."Oh, I don't know," said my father, "John Is good enough It his way, and he has put away some good men over here, but I could get a dozen men in Ireland that could knock the head oft him." Calls on Cardinal Gibbons. I called on Cardinal Gibbons at his pal ace In Baltimore some weeks ago. and during the visit, as be treated me hand somely, I got back by telling him some funny stories and got his mind off his troubles If such a good man has troubles for the time being. One story that made the Cardinal laugh to the limit was one that a friend of mine named Madigan in mitwauKee nanaea me. waaigan is a contractor and he had a couple of Irishmen working for him. One day Madigan asked them what two men in the world they d like best to see. xne .rope ana jonn L Sullivan, " was the answer from one Irishman. "Them two'd suit me," said the other, "but If I couldn't see both I rather see John L." "Why would you rather see John LT" asicea Madigan. -Because," said the wise Mike. "thevMl be Popes all the time, but they'll never De oniy one John L, I showed the Cardinal that I was ae. quaintea with a lot of big men In the Church, and I told him some things about priests l a met In Ireland, passinar out a rew norjemg- gooa stories about the tatter. mere used to be a man named Ret rain in your profession T" asked the Car dinal, but I'll tell about that another time. When I was leaving the Cardinal said he had had a pleasant time. told me I'd be welcome to call again, and gave me nis messing. He a a fine gentleman. Is Cardinal Gibbons, one of the salt of the earth. How to Cur Promoters' Itch. Tommy Burns, the patriot. Is sroinr to defend America, against Bob Squires, the invader from Australia, on the Coast July i ommy was always patriotic, and darn the expense.-v Therea another bout com ing off on the Coast, the night before the Fourth, between Britt and Nelson. They are saying that bout for the night before was put together to Queer the one on the glorious. I don't know how that Is, but these ducks of promoters ought to stop their fooling with anniversaries like the one to be pulled off. April 1 is the time for them to shine, not July 4. Some day we re g-oin' to trace a lot of these fakes to the promoters, and not put so much blame o'n the boxers. Of course, superior gents, like Phlllie Jack, Tommy Burns- and Jim Corbett, who claim better brains than some of us, and are business men, are never under the. thumb of any promoter, and they can squirm away from the dirty work they've been In. But It different wlUa some of the other scrappers, who are just plain tools for the sharp managers to play with. By and by we will have to make the promoters give bonds for good behavior, and if they break parole, put the boots to them. They ought to be licensed, too, and If they had to wear muzzles there wouldn't be so much bad laneruaire Innse. 'Promoters and managers never made mel lose any sleep when I was a colt and able to kick up my heels. After I dropped one fellow, who thought he was a fight manager, over the bannister, the rest of them were good ever after, and I never let anybody go out to put up jobs against the public with me a party to them. There are too many "practical" men managing fighters. It would be a lot better if there was less managing and more straight fighting. The promoters' Itch Is costing the American public a heap of good scads. Where Search for an Old Friend ld. I've never figured It out but in my time I must have traveled half a million miles. There's hardly a large town in this country I haven't been in at least once and all the places across the water that are worth while I've seen. As I go about I find that a lot of my old friends have passed in, a lot of them who expected to bury me. But I fooled them all. While in a "town In Michigan, I asked a hackman if he could take me to Mike 's place. "It's about half an hour's drive, but I can take you there all right, all right." said the coachman. "He's moved since I was here." said I. "O, he's moved, no doubt about that," replied the hackman.' I todl him to go ahead. As we drove along I notlcedT that we were getting away from town and I wondered why Mike had moved so far away from the, push. Next, I noticed that we turned Into a cemetery, and soon we stopped among the gravestones. The hackman got down and opened th door. "What's the matter, has the nag gone on a strike?" I asked him. "You wanted to go to Mike ' place, and here it is." and he pointed to a gravestone with Mike's name on it. Sure enough, here was my friend under the sod. although when I saw htm less than two years before he warned me to take care of my health, that I couldn't stand the pace I'd been going. The hack man wouldn't take the to note I offered him, wouldn't take a cent. He said Mike was a friend of his and he'd like to treat me as a friend of Mike's. Some Negro Opinions of Sullivan. A negro in Jacksonville, Florida, ha'd some hard luck during one of my visits to that town, his wagon falling to pieces on the street. The chocolate-colored brudder I looked as broken up as his wagon. It was about all the coon bad in the world, that wagon, and when I heard the story, I slid the moke 50 to buy a new wagon. There was a funny story out of this, as I heard afterward. A colored preacher heard of me helping out the brunette and he began to say all kinds of nice things about me. He was telling about it to a member of his congregation. "I declare, dls yer Mr. Sullivan am suah de fren' ob de cullud race," said the preacher. . "What, dat gr Sullivan, he no fren' ob de cullud race. Why lie nebber wouldn't fight with no cullud man," said the other. "Yah. dat's hit. he gibs money to de cullud people and won't fight none of dem, he am suah de cullud man's fren'," said the preacher. "Yo" am a fool nigger, an'-doan know who's a fren' and who ain't. Sullivan may gib some money to cullud man but he won't fight wld 'em." "Dat's what Ah say," said the preacher, "he certain am in de class wld Abe Llnkum." The story finishes with the member of the congregation slamming the pastor across the Jaw with a market basket ha had on his arm. (Copyright 1907 by John L. Sullivan.) The Maxims of Methuselah SON, wouldst thou flatter wom- I counsel thee, avoid gen eralities, say not unto her. Thou art fair, my love, thou rejolcect my heart with thy comeliness. 3. But let thy words be definite; go thou into details, and it will cause her much Joy. S. Say unto her, Lo, thy nostrils are proud, they show thy caste; and thine ear Is like unto a seashell. It Is far too little. How cunning are the tips of thy fingers, and the line of thine eye brows, naught can excel. 4. For she knoweth her points; good and bad knoweth she them all, from the greatest unto the smallest ' Thou canst not teach her. 6. Her mirror instructeth her, lo, she knoweth her frame. Ask her and she shall tell thee, that thou mayest con-' tradlct. 6. She knoweth the excellencies of her rivals, and If she hath a thick wrist of every other woman's wrist shall she be acquainted. 7. She weareth a number three shoe. for it is a comfort unto her feet; but If thou asketh her will she say: Lo, a two-and-a-hair, it is my size. 8. Knowest thou a woman who critl- cizeth not her sisters' attire? I say unto thee, there Is not one of them Ignorant, nay. not one who ehall not point out their faults, and counsel them what they should wear. . Though she dresseth like an art student, yet Is she a competent au thority. 10. fane whom thou loveet must laugh when thou laughest. and weep when thou weepest; but If she weep when thou laughest and laugh when thou weepest. woe be unto thee! 11. Like the alarm clock that goeth off at 7 A. M., so is she who sayeth: told you so! 12. But a woman who dallieth and is tardy, she Is like an upper stair that is not there: she shall cause thee to curse. 13. Now I called upon a matron; at her house I paid my visit, and I found a bore thereat. 14. And he tarried, 15. And he tarried, 16. And he tarried. 17. While his back was turned, while he discoursed of the weather and the theater and of Bernard Shaw, while he puffed himself up and vaunted his wis dom, lo. she yawned In her handker chief; yea, she winked at me. wishing that he might depart; for we desired much to be alone together. Tlit Superior Family. New Torlc Times. Pop's en the Grand Jury, probing for (rate And Aunty has gone' to the club; The decks are deserted at home fore and ft. There's no one but me. Bill and Buh; My Ma's at the neighbor's for all after noon. The fifth of a course of pink tea; They're playing bridge whist, or they will be right soon. And we re growing up as we please. Bub. he crawled up on the top of the hel And climbed tbe roof clear to the ridge. And just ae he slipped and fell siown on his head My Mamma was saying, "I'll bridge." A dog Jumped at BI1L end made fast to bis cheek. And bit out a quite lavish piece. About the same time Aunty got up to speak Her piece on the "Lays of Old Greece." Pop saves the country by probing for graft. While Aunty grows cultured each day; And Ma clings to bridge as superior craft That brings all her wits into play; But me. Bin and Bub well, we ain't of much use Beside of such problems as these: We can't go along, so they turn us all loose, And we're growing up as we please. Yearning, with no object In view, U bound to grow monotonous.
