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Hand That Riles the World
Copyright. 190". In the United States
and Great Britain.
ANY of our greatest men." said
I (apropos of many things),
"have declared that they owe
their succes to the aid and encourage
ment of gome brilliant woman."
"I know." said Jeff Peters. "I've
read Ih history and mythology about
Joan of Arc and Mme. Yale and Mrs.
Caudle and Eve and other noted
females of the past. But. In my opin
ion, the woman of today is of little
use in politics or business. What's she
best in, anyway? men make the best
cooks, milliners, nurses, housekeepers,
stenographers, clerks, hairdressers and
launderers. About the only job left
that women can beat a man In is
feinaje inpersonator. in vaudeville.
"I would have thought," said I, "that
occasionally, anyhow, you would have
found the wit ,and intuition of woman
valuable to you in your lines of-er-
business?"
'Now, wouldn't you," said Jeff, with
an emphatic nod "wouldn't you have
imagined that? But a woman is an ab
solutely unreliable partner in any
straight swindle. She's liable to turn
honest on you when you are depending
upon her most. I tried 'em once."
"Bill Humble, an old friend of mine
in the Territories, conceived the illu
sion that he wanted to be appointed
United States Marshal. At that time
me and Andy was doing a square,
legitimate business of selling walklng
ranes. If you unscrewed the head of
one and turned It up to your mouth a
half pint" of good rye whisky would
go trickling down your throat to re
ward you for your act of Intelligence.
The deputies was annoying me and
Andy some, and when Bill spoke to
me about hi officious aspirations, I
saw how bis appointment as Marshal
might help along the firm of Peters &
Tucker.
" 'Jeff,' says Bill to me, 'you are a
man of learning and education, besides
having knowledge , and information
concerning not only rudiments but
facts and attainments.'
" 'I do so,' says I, 'and I have never
regretted it. I -am not one,' says I,
'who would cheapen education by
making it free. Tell me," says I,
'which Is of the most value to man
kind, literature or horse' racing?'
" "Why er , playing the po I
mean, of course, the poets and the
great writer have got the call,' of
course,' says Bill.
" 'Kxactly, says I. 'Then why do
the master minds of finance and phil
anthropy,' says I, 'charge us 12 to get
Into a race track and let us Into a li
brary free? Is that distilling into the
masses,' says I, 'a correct estimate of
the relative value of the two means of
self-culture and disorder?'
" 'You are arguing outside of my
faculties of sense and rhetoric,' says
Bill. 'What I wanted you to do is to
go to Washington and .dig out this ap
pointment for me. I haven't no ideas
of cultivation and intrigue. ' I'm a
plain citizen; and I need the job. I've
killed seven men,' says Bill; 'I've got
nine children; I've been a good Re
pultcan ever since the first of May; I
can't read nor write, and I see no rea
son why I ain't illegible for the office.
And I think your partner, Mr. Tucker,'
goes on Bill, 'is also a man of suffi
cient ingratiation and connected sys
tem of mental delinquency to assist
you In securing the appointment. I
will give you preliminarily,' says Bill,
'$1000 for drinks, bribes and carfare
in Washington. If you land the job
I will play you J1000 more, cash down,
and guarantee you impunity in boot
legging whisky for 12 months. Are
you patriotic to the West enough to
help me put this thing through the
Whitewashed Wigwam of the Great
Father of the most eastern flag station
of the Pennsylvania Railroad?' saya
BUI.
"Well, I talked to Andy about it, and
he liked the idea immense. Andy was a
man of an Involved nature. He was
never content to plod along, as I was
selling to the peasantry some little tool
like a combination steak beater, shoe
horn, marewi waver, monkey wrench,
nail He, potato masher and Multura
in Parvo tuning fork. Andy had the ar
tistic temper, which is not to be judged
as a preacher's or a moral man's is by
purely commercial deflections. So we
accepted Bill's offer, and strikes out for
Washington.
"Says I to Ajidy, when we get located
at a hotel on South Dakota avenue, G.
S. S. W.: 'Now. Andy, for the first time
In our lives we've got to do a real dis
honest act. Lobbying is something we've
never been used to; but we've got to scan
dalise ourselves for Bill Humbles sake.
phone With one hand, and drinking tea
with the other.
" 'Well, boys,' says she after a bit,,
what is ltr
"I told her in as few words as possible
what we wanted for Bill, and the price
we could pay.
' 'Those Western appointments,' says
she. 'are easy. Le'me see, now," says
she, 'who could put that through for us.
No use fooling with. Territorial dele-
promptly and spread a report that the
other candidate's wife had once been
a shoplifter. They are no more adapt
ed for business and politics,' says I,
'than Algernon Charles Swinburne Is
to be floor manager at one of Chuck
Connor's annual balls. I know,' says
I to Andy, 'that sometimes a woman
seems to step out Jnto the kajsomine
light as the ' charge d'affaires of her
man's political Job. But how does It
TM A PLAIN CITIZEN; AND I NEED THE JOB'
Remarks by John L. Sullivan
In a straight and legitimate business.'
says I, 'we could afford to introduce a
little foul play and chicanery, but in a
disorderly and heinous piece of malprac
tice like this it seems to me that the
straightforward and aboveboard way is
the best. I propose," says I, 'that we
hand over 1500 of this money to the
chairman of the National campaign com
mittee, get a receipt, lay the receipt on
the President's desk and tell him about
Bill. The President Is a man who would
appreciate a candidate who went about
getting office that way instead of pull
ing wires.
"Andy agreed with me, but after we
talked the scheme over with the hotel
clerk we give that plan up. 'He told us
that there was only one way to get an
appointment in Washington, and that
was through a lady lobbyist. He give us
the address of one he recommended, a
Mrs. Avery, who he said was high up in
sociable and diplomatic rings and circles.
"The next morning at 10 o'clock me and
Andy called at her hotel, and was shown
up to her reception room.
"This Mrs. Avery was a solace and a
balm to the eyesight. She had hair the
color of the back of a twenty-dollar gold
certificate, bhie eyes and a system of
beauty that would make the girl on the
cover of a July magazine look like a cook
on a Monongahela coal barge.
"She had on a low-necked dress cov
ered with sliver spangleB. and diamond
rings and ear bobs.' Her arms was
bare, and she was using a desk tele-
gates. I guess,' says she, 'that Senator
Sniper would be about the man. He's
from somewheres in the West. Let's see
how he stands on my private menu card.'
She takes some papers out of a pigeon
hole with the letter 'S' over it.
" 'Yes,' says she, 'he's marked with a
star; that means "ready to serve." Now,
let's see. "Age 55; married twicer Pres
byterian, likes blondes, hobbles, Tolstoi,
poker and stewed terrapin; sentimental
at third bottle of wine." 'Yes.' she goes
on, 'I am sure I can have your friend,
Mr. Bummer, appointed Minister to
Brazil.'
' 'Humble,' says I. .'And United
States Marshal was the berth.'
" 'O, yes,' says Mrs. Avery. "I have
so many deals of this sort I some
times get them confused. Give me all
the memoranda you have of the case,
Mr. Peters, and come back in four days.
I think It can be arranged by then.'
"So me and Andy goes back to our
hotel and waits. .Andy walks iip and
down and chews the left end of his
mustache.
" 'A woman of high intellect and per
fect beauty Is a rare thing, Jeff,' says
he. - .
" 'As rare, says I, 'as an omelet
made from the eggs of the fabulous
bird known as the epidermis,' says I.
" 'A woman like that," says Andy,
'ought to lead a man to the highest po
sitions of opulence and fame.'
'"I misdoubt,' says I, 'if any woman
ever helped a man to secure a job any
more than to have his meals ready
come out? Say, they have a neat lit
tle berth somewhere as foreign Con
sul of record to Afghanistan or locie
keepeY on the Delaware and Raritan
Canal. One day this man finds his
wife putting on her overshoes and three
months' supply of birdseed ' into the
canary's cage. 'Sioux Falls?' he asks
with, a kind of hopeful light In his
eye. 'No, Arthur," says she, 'Washing
ton. We're wasted here.' says she.
'You ought to be Toady Extraordinary
to the Court of St. Bridget or Head
Porter of the Island of Porto Rico. I'm
gol.ia; to see about it.'
"'Then this lady, I says to Andy
'moves against the authorities at Wash
ington with nor .baggage and muni
tions, consisting "of five dozen lndis
crlmlnating letters written to her by a
member of the Cabinet when she was
15; a letter of Introduction from Kins;
Leopold to the Smithsonian Institu
tion, and a pink silk costume with
canary-colored spats.
" 'Well, and then what?' I goes on.
'She has the letters printed In the even
ing papers that match her costume, she
lectures at an informal tea given .in the
palm room of the B. & O. depot and
then calls on the President. The ninth
Assistant Secretary of Commerce and
Labor, the first aide-de-camp of the
Blue Room and an unidentified colored
man are waiting there to grasp her by
the hands and feet. They carry her
out to S. W. B. street and leave her on
a cellar door. That ends It The next
time we hear of her she is writing
postal cards to the Chinese Minister
asking: him to get Arthur a job in a
tea store.'
" 'Then,' says Andy, 'you don't think
Mrs. Avery will land the Marshalship for
Bill?"
I do not," says I. 'I do not wish to
be aseptic, but I doubt if she can do- as
well as you and me could have done.'
"I "don't agree with you,' says Andy.
'I'll bet you she does. I'm proud of hav
ing a higher opinion of the talent and the
powers of negotiation of ladies.'
" 'We was back at Mrs. Avery's hotel
at the time she appointed. She was look
ing pretty and fine enough, as far as that
went, to make any man let her name
everu, officer in the country. But I
hadn t much faith in looks, so I was
certainly surprised when she pulls out a
document with the great seal pf the
United States on It, and 'William Henry
Humble' in a fine, big hand on the back.
" 'You might have had it the next day,
boys,' says Mrs. Avery smiling. 'I hadn't
the slightest trouble. In getting it,' Says
she. 'I Just asked for It, that's all. Now,
I'd like to talk to you a while,' she goes
on, 'but I'm awfully busy, and I know
you'll excuse me. I've got an Ambassa
dorship, two Consulates and a dozen
other minor applications to look after. I
can hardly find time to sleep at all. You'll
give my compliments to Mr. . Humble
when you get home, of course.'
"Well, I handed her the J500, which she
pitched into her desk drawer without
counting. " I put Bill's appointment In my
pocket and me and Andy made our
adieus.
"We started back- for the territory the
same day. We wired Bill: 'Job landed;
get the tall glasses ready,' and we felt
pretty good. "
"Andy joshed me all the way about
how little I knew about women.
" 'All right,' says I. 'I'll admit that
she surprised me. But it's the first time
I ever knew one of 'em to manipulate a
piece of business on time without getting
It bungled up in some way,' says I.
"Down about the edge of Arkansas I
got out Bill's appointment and looked' It
over, and then I handed It to Andy to
I
" CELLING WAI.KIN G CANES
read. Andy read It, but didn't add any
remarks to my silence.
"The paper was for Bill, all right, and
a genuine document, but it appointed him
postmaster of Dade City, Fla.
"Me and Andy got off the train at Lit
tle Rock and sent Bill's appointment to
him by mall. Then we struck northeast
toward Lake Superior.
"I never saw Bill Humble after that."
(Copyright. 1907 by S. S. McClure Co. in
the United States and Great Britain.)
Mr
"WEXL.BOTO WHAT IS IT.?'
Y father was a typical Irishman.
d I'm glad he was.. I don't mean
was the kind you see on the
vaudeville stage, but the real article. He
came over here because the British gov
ernment was handing him and his tribe
so many lemons that he wanted a change
to healthier food.. After he landed the
country may have owed him a living, but
he had to go out and show them. before
the bread and butter was passed to him
and the pie was a long time coming. Af
ter a while he got along fairly well, his
old age was comfortable and he was sat
isfied. '
But while he was for America against
the world when it came to a show-down,
he had an Irishman's love for Ireland,
and there wasn't much over here that
couldn't be bettered in Ireland, let him
tell it. When I became champion he was
phased, but he didn't get chesty over It,
and he liked to remind me of the great
men that represented Ireland In the ring,
and wished that some of them were over
here to show their style.
One time a friend of my father's met
him, and, as they hadn't met in a long
time, the friend began to throw bouquets
my way. He rubbed the .taffy In pretty
strong and wound up with this:
"My, Oh, my, Mr. Sullivan, but It's a
proud man you ought to be with a son
mat's champion of the .wur-ruld."
."Oh, I don't know," said my father,
"John Is good enough It his way, and he
has put away some good men over here,
but I could get a dozen men in Ireland
that could knock the head oft him."
Calls on Cardinal Gibbons.
I called on Cardinal Gibbons at his pal
ace In Baltimore some weeks ago. and
during the visit, as be treated me hand
somely, I got back by telling him some
funny stories and got his mind off his
troubles If such a good man has troubles
for the time being. One story that
made the Cardinal laugh to the limit was
one that a friend of mine named Madigan
in mitwauKee nanaea me.
waaigan is a contractor and he had a
couple of Irishmen working for him. One
day Madigan asked them what two men
in the world they d like best to see.
xne .rope ana jonn L Sullivan, " was
the answer from one Irishman.
"Them two'd suit me," said the other,
"but If I couldn't see both I rather see
John L."
"Why would you rather see John LT"
asicea Madigan.
-Because," said the wise Mike. "thevMl
be Popes all the time, but they'll never
De oniy one John L,
I showed the Cardinal that I was ae.
quaintea with a lot of big men In the
Church, and I told him some things about
priests l a met In Ireland, passinar out a
rew norjemg- gooa stories about the tatter.
mere used to be a man named Ret
rain in your profession T" asked the Car
dinal, but I'll tell about that another
time. When I was leaving the Cardinal
said he had had a pleasant time. told
me I'd be welcome to call again, and gave
me nis messing. He a a fine gentleman.
Is Cardinal Gibbons, one of the salt of
the earth.
How to Cur Promoters' Itch.
Tommy Burns, the patriot. Is sroinr to
defend America, against Bob Squires, the
invader from Australia, on the Coast July
i ommy was always patriotic, and darn
the expense.-v Therea another bout com
ing off on the Coast, the night before the
Fourth, between Britt and Nelson. They
are saying that bout for the night before
was put together to Queer the one on the
glorious. I don't know how that Is, but
these ducks of promoters ought to stop
their fooling with anniversaries like the
one to be pulled off. April 1 is the time
for them to shine, not July 4.
Some day we re g-oin' to trace a lot of
these fakes to the promoters, and not
put so much blame o'n the boxers. Of
course, superior gents, like Phlllie Jack,
Tommy Burns- and Jim Corbett, who
claim better brains than some of us,
and are business men, are never under
the. thumb of any promoter, and they
can squirm away from the dirty work
they've been In. But It different wlUa
some of the other scrappers, who are just
plain tools for the sharp managers to
play with.
By and by we will have to make the
promoters give bonds for good behavior,
and if they break parole, put the boots
to them. They ought to be licensed, too,
and If they had to wear muzzles there
wouldn't be so much bad laneruaire Innse.
'Promoters and managers never made mel
lose any sleep when I was a colt and
able to kick up my heels. After I dropped
one fellow, who thought he was a fight
manager, over the bannister, the rest of
them were good ever after, and I never
let anybody go out to put up jobs
against the public with me a party to
them.
There are too many "practical" men
managing fighters. It would be a lot
better if there was less managing and
more straight fighting. The promoters'
Itch Is costing the American public a
heap of good scads.
Where Search for an Old Friend ld.
I've never figured It out but in my time
I must have traveled half a million
miles. There's hardly a large town in this
country I haven't been in at least once
and all the places across the water that
are worth while I've seen. As I go about
I find that a lot of my old friends have
passed in, a lot of them who expected to
bury me. But I fooled them all. While in
a "town In Michigan, I asked a hackman
if he could take me to Mike 's
place.
"It's about half an hour's drive, but I
can take you there all right, all right."
said the coachman.
"He's moved since I was here." said I.
"O, he's moved, no doubt about that,"
replied the hackman.'
I todl him to go ahead. As we drove
along I notlcedT that we were getting
away from town and I wondered why
Mike had moved so far away from the,
push. Next, I noticed that we turned
Into a cemetery, and soon we stopped
among the gravestones. The hackman
got down and opened th door.
"What's the matter, has the nag gone
on a strike?" I asked him.
"You wanted to go to Mike '
place, and here it is." and he pointed to
a gravestone with Mike's name on it.
Sure enough, here was my friend under
the sod. although when I saw htm less
than two years before he warned me to
take care of my health, that I couldn't
stand the pace I'd been going. The hack
man wouldn't take the to note I offered
him, wouldn't take a cent. He said Mike
was a friend of his and he'd like to treat
me as a friend of Mike's.
Some Negro Opinions of Sullivan.
A negro in Jacksonville, Florida, ha'd
some hard luck during one of my visits to
that town, his wagon falling to pieces on
the street. The chocolate-colored brudder
I looked as broken up as his wagon. It
was about all the coon bad in the world,
that wagon, and when I heard the story,
I slid the moke 50 to buy a new wagon.
There was a funny story out of this, as
I heard afterward. A colored preacher
heard of me helping out the brunette and
he began to say all kinds of nice things
about me. He was telling about it to a
member of his congregation.
"I declare, dls yer Mr. Sullivan am suah
de fren' ob de cullud race," said the
preacher. .
"What, dat gr Sullivan, he no fren' ob
de cullud race. Why lie nebber wouldn't
fight with no cullud man," said the other.
"Yah. dat's hit. he gibs money to de
cullud people and won't fight none of
dem, he am suah de cullud man's fren',"
said the preacher.
"Yo" am a fool nigger, an'-doan know
who's a fren' and who ain't. Sullivan
may gib some money to cullud man but
he won't fight wld 'em."
"Dat's what Ah say," said the preacher,
"he certain am in de class wld Abe
Llnkum."
The story finishes with the member of
the congregation slamming the pastor
across the Jaw with a market basket ha
had on his arm.
(Copyright 1907 by John L. Sullivan.)
The Maxims of Methuselah
SON, wouldst thou flatter wom-
I counsel thee, avoid gen
eralities, say not unto her. Thou art
fair, my love, thou rejolcect my heart
with thy comeliness.
3. But let thy words be definite; go
thou into details, and it will cause her
much Joy.
S. Say unto her, Lo, thy nostrils are
proud, they show thy caste; and thine
ear Is like unto a seashell. It Is far too
little. How cunning are the tips of
thy fingers, and the line of thine eye
brows, naught can excel.
4. For she knoweth her points; good
and bad knoweth she them all, from
the greatest unto the smallest ' Thou
canst not teach her.
6. Her mirror instructeth her, lo, she
knoweth her frame. Ask her and she
shall tell thee, that thou mayest con-'
tradlct.
6. She knoweth the excellencies of
her rivals, and If she hath a thick
wrist of every other woman's wrist
shall she be acquainted.
7. She weareth a number three shoe.
for it is a comfort unto her feet; but
If thou asketh her will she say: Lo,
a two-and-a-hair, it is my size.
8. Knowest thou a woman who critl-
cizeth not her sisters' attire? I say
unto thee, there Is not one of them
Ignorant, nay. not one who ehall not
point out their faults, and counsel them
what they should wear.
. Though she dresseth like an art
student, yet Is she a competent au
thority.
10. fane whom thou loveet must laugh
when thou laughest. and weep when
thou weepest; but If she weep when
thou laughest and laugh when thou
weepest. woe be unto thee!
11. Like the alarm clock that goeth
off at 7 A. M., so is she who sayeth:
told you so!
12. But a woman who dallieth and
is tardy, she Is like an upper stair that
is not there: she shall cause thee to
curse.
13. Now I called upon a matron; at
her house I paid my visit, and I found
a bore thereat.
14. And he tarried,
15. And he tarried,
16. And he tarried.
17. While his back was turned, while
he discoursed of the weather and the
theater and of Bernard Shaw, while he
puffed himself up and vaunted his wis
dom, lo. she yawned In her handker
chief; yea, she winked at me. wishing
that he might depart; for we desired
much to be alone together.
Tlit Superior Family.
New Torlc Times.
Pop's en the Grand Jury, probing for (rate
And Aunty has gone' to the club;
The decks are deserted at home fore and
ft.
There's no one but me. Bill and Buh;
My Ma's at the neighbor's for all after
noon. The fifth of a course of pink tea;
They're playing bridge whist, or they will
be right soon.
And we re growing up as we please.
Bub. he crawled up on the top of the hel
And climbed tbe roof clear to the ridge.
And just ae he slipped and fell siown on
his head
My Mamma was saying, "I'll bridge."
A dog Jumped at BI1L end made fast to bis
cheek.
And bit out a quite lavish piece.
About the same time Aunty got up to
speak
Her piece on the "Lays of Old Greece."
Pop saves the country by probing for graft.
While Aunty grows cultured each day;
And Ma clings to bridge as superior craft
That brings all her wits into play;
But me. Bin and Bub well, we ain't of
much use
Beside of such problems as these:
We can't go along, so they turn us all loose,
And we're growing up as we please.
Yearning, with no object In view, U
bound to grow monotonous.