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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 24, 1907)
THE SUNDAY OREGONIAX, PORTLAND. FEBRUARY 34, 1907. oryrlght. 1B0T, by H. H. McCIure A Co.) IIAT'S an expert wit ness?" asked Mr. Hen- essy. An expert witness," said Mr. 'ooley, "is a doctor that thinks man must be crazy to be rich. hat '8 thrue iv most iv-us, but iese doctors don't mean it th' ay I do. Their. theery is that nnything th' rich do that ye ant to do an' don't do is looney. s between two men with money, i' wan with most money is crazi- st. If ye want a diploma f'r mity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance e have iv gettin' it is to commit L crime an' file an invintory iv e er estate with th' coort. le 11 et a certy-ficate iv sanity that e'll be able to show with pride hin ye 're let out iv Joliet. In th' old days if a man kilt nother man he took three jumps m th' scene iv. th! . disaster to i' north corrydor iv'th' County ail. That still goes f'r th' poor ,an. No wan has thried to rob im iv th' privilege won f'r him e his ancestors iv bein' quickly a ' completely hanged. A photy- raph iv him is took without a liar, he's yanked befure an aw il coort iv justice, a deef-mute iwyer is appinted to look afther is inthrests an' see that ' they on't suffer be bein' kept in th' uffy atmosphere iv th' coort- iom, th' State's attorney pre- nts . a handsome, pitcher " iv him s a fiend in human form, th' udge insthructs th' jury iv on rejudiced jurors in a ' hurry to et home that they ar-re th' sole idgesiv th' law an' th' fact, i' law bein' that he ought to be anged an' th' fact bein' that he ill be hanged, an' befure our roletory frind comes out iv his trance he's havin' his first thor ugh fill-up iv ham an eggs, th' argy ar-re showin' a wondher d amount iv inthrest in him' an, e s rayceivin attintions tr m i' Sheriff that must be sur- risin' to a man iv his humble atio'n. "A few days later I r-read in i' pa-apers in a column called ?rief News Jottings,' just below paragraph about th' meetin' iv i', Dairyman's Assoc yation, an jcount iv how justice has pur ioed her grim coorse in th' case John Adamowski. An' I'm lankful to know that th' law as been avinged, that life an' roperty again ar-re safe in our dr land iv freedom, an' that th' retched criminal lived long Fulfil vraii THAT LOWLY WORKER IN TH' VINEYARD IV TH' LORD WHO ASTON I8HED TH" WVRRUI.D BE ATIV GLASS IN TH' PULPIT, AN' HAVIN' TH' BIBLE TATOOFO ON HIM." 1 ASK YE ON TH' NIOHT IX QUESTION, WHIN TH PRISONER GRABBED TH" FUNNY AT TH' ROOF?" enough to get all he wanted to eat. "Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he gets. He don't desarve anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv dooces in a car-rd game an' havin' to bet thim. If I done wrong I'd say: 'Don't deal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that wants it. Undher th' circum stances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy. I do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an' I'll aceipt me freedom fr'ni th'- humblest bailiff in th' land. I do not care to come tri umphant out iv this ordeel an' raypoort other larceny cases f'f th' newspa-apers. All I ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th' polisman's coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible, fair, an' on prejudiced Judge. Give me wan that's onfair an' prejudiced an' that ye can slip something to.' "No, Sir, whin a man's broke an' does something wrong, th' on'y temple iv justice he ought to get into is a freight car go in' West. Don't niver thrust that their tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in her hand an' th' hand kerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, though I've seen thriles where she raised th' bandage an' winked at th' aujence she may be blind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv touch she has, an' if ye vinture into her lodgins an' she goes through ye 're pockets an' finds on'y th' pawnticket f'r th' watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takes off th' handkerchief, an' goes at ye with th' soord. "But suppose ye have a little iv th' useful with ye. Ye br-reak into Hogan 's house some night sufferin' f r'm : an . incontrollable impulse to take hi? watch. - Don't get mad, now. I'm on'y sup posin' all this. " Ye wudden't take his watch. He has no watch. "Well, he's sound asleep. Ye give him a good crack on th' head so he won't be disturbed an' hook th' clock fr'm undher th' pillow. Th' next day ye 're arristed. Th' pa'apers comes out with th' news: 'Haughty sign iv wealthy fam'ly steals watch fr'm 'awful Hogan. Full account iv dhread ful career iv th' victim. Unwrit ten law to be invoked,.' an' there 's an article to show, that CLOCK, WAS HE OR WAS HE NOT anny wan has a right to take Ho gan 's watch, that he was not a proper man to have th' care iv a watch, annyhow, an' that ye done "I WAIVK ME RIGHT TO BE THRIED well to hook it. This is always th' first step to'rd securin' cold jus tice f'r th' rich. Ye 're next ilict ed a mimber iv nearly all th - min iters'. assoeyations, an' finally, in ordher that th' law may be en fooreed . without regard to per sons, an expert witness is hired r ye. ' "Th' thrile begins. Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an' set th' watch be th' coort clock. 'Ar-re ye guilty or no guilty?' says th' clerk. 'Guilty an' glad iv it,' says ye 're lawyer amid cheers- an' hisses. 'Have ye th' watch with ye?' says th' coort. 'I have,' says th' prisoner, smilin' in his peculiar way.' 'Lave me look at it,' says th' coort. 'I will not,' says th' pris'ner, puttin' it back 'into his pocket. 'How ar-re ye goin' to defind this crook?' says th' Judge. ,'We-re goin' to prove that at th' time he committed this crime" he was in sane,' says th? lawyer. 'I object, -says th' State's attorney. ; 'It is not legal to inthrajooce evidence iv insanity till th' proper founda tions is established. Th' defince must prove that th' pris'ner has money. How do we know he isn't . broke like th' rest iv us. ' Th' coort How much money have ye got? Th' pris'ner Two million -dollars, but I expect more. Th'. coort Objection over ruled. "Th' expert is called. 'Doctor, what expeeryence have ye had among th' head cures?' 'I have been f'r forty years in an asylum.' 'As guest or landlord?' 'As both.' 'Now, doctor, I wll ask you a ques tion. Supposin' this pris'ner to be a man with a whole lot iv money, an' supposin' he wint to this house on th' night in ques tion, an' suppose it was snowin', an' suppose it wasn't, an' suppose he turned fr'm th' right hand cor ner to th' left goin' upstairs, an' supposin' he wore a plug hat an' a pair iv skates, an' supposin' th' next day was Wednesday ' 'I objict,' says th' State's attorney. 'Th' statues, ;. with which me lamed frind is no doubt familiar, though I be dai-ned if he shows it, f'rbids th' mention iv th' das iv th' week.' 'Scratch out Winsday an' substichoot four o'clock Jan ooar,' says th' coort. 'Now, how does th' sentence r-read?' 'Th' next day was four o'clock in Jan ooary, an' supposin' th' amount iv money, an' supposin 'ye haven't got a very large salary holdin' th' chair iv conniption fits at th' col lege, an' supposin' ye don't get a cent onless ye answer r-right, I ask ye, on th' night in 'question whin th' pris'ner grabbed th' clock, was he or was he not funny at th' roof?' 'I object to th' form iv question,' says th' State's at torney. 'In th' eighth sintinee I move' to sthrike out th' wurrid "and as unconstitutional, un profisayonal, an' conthry to th' laws iv evidince.' 'My Gawd, has my clint no nights in this coort?' says th' other lawyer. 'Ye bet he has,' says th' coort. 'We'll sthrike out th' wurrud "and," but we'll substichoot th' more proper wurrud "aloofness." ' " 'Did ye see th' pris'ner afther his arrest?' 'I did.' 'Where?' BE AN INCORRUPTIBLE, FAIR AN WAN THAT YE CAN SUP SOMETHIN 'In th' pa-apers.' 'What was he doin'? 'His back was tur-rned.' 'What did that indicate to ye?' 'That he had been sufferin' fr'm a variety ivy tomaine exeelsis ' 'Greek wurruds,' says.th' coort. 'Latin an' Greek,' says th' expert. 'Pro-ceed,' says th' coort.' 'I come to th' conclusion,' says th' expert, 'that th' man, when he hooked th' watch, was suTerin' fr'm a sud den tempest in his head, a sudden explosion as it were, a sudden I don 't-know-what-th '-divvleJ-it-was that kind iv wiot off in his chim bley, like a storm at sea.' 'Was he in anny way bug befure th' crime?' 'Not a bit.' He suffered fr'm warts whin a boy, which sometimes leads to bozimbral hop tocollographophiloplutomania, or what th' Germans call tantrums, but me gin 'rail con-clusion was that he was perfectly sane all his life till. this minnyit, an' that so much sanity wint to his head an' blew th' cover off.' "Has he bean sane-iver since ' says the lawyer. ' 'Ye'd betther have a care how ye answer that question, me boy,' says th' pris' ner, carelessly jingling th' loose change in his pocket. 'Sane,' says th' expert. 'Well I shud think he was. Why, I can hardly imagine how ne . stayed feather headed long enough to take th' villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? I don't mean anny disrespect to th' "A PHOTYORAPH IV HIM IS coort or th' bar, but if ye gintle men had half as much good brains in ye'er head as he has, me distin guished frind, ye'd not be wastin' ye'er time here. There ain't a man in this counthry th' akel iv this gr-reat man. Talk about Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut compared with this joynt intel leck. No, Sir, he's a fine, thought ful, able, magnificent specimen iv man, an' has been iver since be tween twelve four an' twelve four an'-a-half on that fatal night. An' a good fellow at that.' " 'What d'ye propose to do to stand this here testymony off?' says th' Judge. 'I propose,' says ONPREJUDICED JUDGE. li TO." GIVE ME th' State's attorney, 'to prove be some rale experts, men who have "DOST DEAL ME ANNY JUSTICE. earned their repytations be testi fyin' eight ways fr'm th' jack in a dozen criminal cases, that so far fr'm bein' insane on this partick lar night, this was th' on'y time that he was porfeckly sane.' 'Oh, look here, Judge,.' says a lady iv Th' Daily Fluff, 'this here has gone far enough. Th' man's not ' guilty, an' if ye don't want a few . remarks printed about ye, that'll ' TOOK WITHOUT A COLLAR.' do ye no good, ye '11 let him off.' 'Don't pay any attintion to what she says, Fitzy,' gays another lady. 'Her decayed newspa-aper has no more circulation thin a cucumber. We expect ye to follow th' in sthructions printed in our vally able Journal this mornin'.' " 'Sir,' says a tall man, risin' in his place, 'I am th' Riv'rend Thompson Jubb.' 'Not th' no toryous shepherd iv that name?' 'Th' same,' says th' Riv'rend J uDu. mat lowly woruer in in vineyard iv th' Lord who aston ished th' wurruld be atin' glass in th' pulpit an' havin' th' Bible tattooed on him. I wish th' priv ilege iv standin' on me head an' playin' "A charge to keep I have" on-the accorjeen with me feet. 'Granted.' says th' coort. 'I will now charge th' jury as to , . th' law an' th' factj am all mixed up on th' law; thNfact is there's a mob outside waitino lynch ye if ye don't do what t wants. Th' coort will now advi. journ be th' back dure.' 'Where's th' pris'ner?' says th' expert. 'He has gone to addhress a mothers' meetin',' says th' clerk. 'Thin I must be goin', too,' says th' ex pert. An' there ye ar-re." "I'm glad that fellow got me off," said Mr. Hennessy, "but thim experts ar-re a bad lot. What's th' diff'rence between that kind of tistimony an' per jury?" "Ye pay ye'er money an' take ye'er choice," said Mr. Dooley. EXE P IT F'R THIM WANTS IT." 4"