THE SUNDAY OREGONIAX, PORTLAND. FEBRUARY 34, 1907.
oryrlght. 1B0T, by H. H. McCIure A Co.)
IIAT'S an expert wit
ness?" asked Mr. Hen-
essy.
An expert witness," said Mr.
'ooley, "is a doctor that thinks
man must be crazy to be rich.
hat '8 thrue iv most iv-us, but
iese doctors don't mean it th'
ay I do. Their. theery is that
nnything th' rich do that ye
ant to do an' don't do is looney.
s between two men with money,
i' wan with most money is crazi-
st. If ye want a diploma f'r
mity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance
e have iv gettin' it is to commit
L crime an' file an invintory iv
e er estate with th' coort. le 11
et a certy-ficate iv sanity that
e'll be able to show with pride
hin ye 're let out iv Joliet.
In th' old days if a man kilt
nother man he took three jumps
m th' scene iv. th! . disaster to
i' north corrydor iv'th' County
ail. That still goes f'r th' poor
,an. No wan has thried to rob
im iv th' privilege won f'r him
e his ancestors iv bein' quickly
a ' completely hanged. A photy-
raph iv him is took without a
liar, he's yanked befure an aw
il coort iv justice, a deef-mute
iwyer is appinted to look afther
is inthrests an' see that ' they
on't suffer be bein' kept in th'
uffy atmosphere iv th' coort-
iom, th' State's attorney pre-
nts . a handsome, pitcher " iv him
s a fiend in human form, th'
udge insthructs th' jury iv on
rejudiced jurors in a ' hurry to
et home that they ar-re th' sole
idgesiv th' law an' th' fact,
i' law bein' that he ought to be
anged an' th' fact bein' that he
ill be hanged, an' befure our
roletory frind comes out iv his
trance he's havin' his first thor
ugh fill-up iv ham an eggs, th'
argy ar-re showin' a wondher
d amount iv inthrest in him' an,
e s rayceivin attintions tr m
i' Sheriff that must be sur-
risin' to a man iv his humble
atio'n.
"A few days later I r-read in
i' pa-apers in a column called
?rief News Jottings,' just below
paragraph about th' meetin' iv
i', Dairyman's Assoc yation, an
jcount iv how justice has pur
ioed her grim coorse in th' case
John Adamowski. An' I'm
lankful to know that th' law
as been avinged, that life an'
roperty again ar-re safe in our
dr land iv freedom, an' that th'
retched criminal lived long
Fulfil vraii
THAT LOWLY WORKER IN TH' VINEYARD IV TH' LORD WHO ASTON
I8HED TH" WVRRUI.D BE ATIV GLASS IN TH' PULPIT, AN' HAVIN' TH'
BIBLE TATOOFO ON HIM."
1 ASK YE ON TH' NIOHT IX QUESTION, WHIN TH PRISONER GRABBED TH"
FUNNY AT TH' ROOF?"
enough to get all he wanted to
eat.
"Justice is all a poor criminal
asks f'r, an' that's what he gets.
He don't desarve anny betther.
'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv
dooces in a car-rd game an'
havin' to bet thim. If I done
wrong I'd say: 'Don't deal me
anny justice. Keep it f'r thim
that wants it. Undher th' circum
stances all I ask is a gr-reat deal
iv injustice an' much mercy. I
do not ask to be acquitted be a
jury iv me peers. I am a modest
man an' I'll aceipt me freedom
fr'ni th'- humblest bailiff in th'
land. I do not care to come tri
umphant out iv this ordeel an'
raypoort other larceny cases f'f
th' newspa-apers. All I ask is a
block's start an' some wan
holdin' th' polisman's coattails.
I waive me right to be thried be
an incorruptible, fair, an' on
prejudiced Judge. Give me wan
that's onfair an' prejudiced an'
that ye can slip something to.'
"No, Sir, whin a man's broke
an' does something wrong, th'
on'y temple iv justice he ought
to get into is a freight car go in'
West. Don't niver thrust that
their tough-lookin' lady with th'
soord in her hand an' th' hand
kerchief over her eyes. She may
be blind, though I've seen thriles
where she raised th' bandage an'
winked at th' aujence she may
be blind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv
touch she has, an' if ye vinture
into her lodgins an' she goes
through ye 're pockets an' finds
on'y th' pawnticket f'r th' watch
ye stole off Hogan, she locks th'
dure, takes off th' handkerchief,
an' goes at ye with th' soord.
"But suppose ye have a little
iv th' useful with ye. Ye br-reak
into Hogan 's house some night
sufferin' f r'm : an . incontrollable
impulse to take hi? watch. - Don't
get mad, now. I'm on'y sup
posin' all this. " Ye wudden't
take his watch. He has no watch.
"Well, he's sound asleep. Ye give
him a good crack on th' head so
he won't be disturbed an' hook
th' clock fr'm undher th' pillow.
Th' next day ye 're arristed. Th'
pa'apers comes out with th'
news: 'Haughty sign iv wealthy
fam'ly steals watch fr'm 'awful
Hogan. Full account iv dhread
ful career iv th' victim. Unwrit
ten law to be invoked,.' an'
there 's an article to show, that
CLOCK, WAS HE OR WAS HE NOT
anny wan has a right to take Ho
gan 's watch, that he was not a
proper man to have th' care iv a
watch, annyhow, an' that ye done
"I WAIVK ME RIGHT TO BE THRIED
well to hook it. This is always th'
first step to'rd securin' cold jus
tice f'r th' rich. Ye 're next ilict
ed a mimber iv nearly all th - min
iters'. assoeyations, an' finally, in
ordher that th' law may be en
fooreed . without regard to per
sons, an expert witness is hired
r ye.
' "Th' thrile begins. Ye walk in
with a quick, nervous sthride an'
set th' watch be th' coort clock.
'Ar-re ye guilty or no guilty?'
says th' clerk. 'Guilty an' glad
iv it,' says ye 're lawyer amid
cheers- an' hisses. 'Have ye th'
watch with ye?' says th' coort.
'I have,' says th' prisoner, smilin'
in his peculiar way.' 'Lave me
look at it,' says th' coort. 'I
will not,' says th' pris'ner, puttin'
it back 'into his pocket. 'How
ar-re ye goin' to defind this
crook?' says th' Judge. ,'We-re
goin' to prove that at th' time he
committed this crime" he was in
sane,' says th? lawyer. 'I object, -says
th' State's attorney. ; 'It is
not legal to inthrajooce evidence
iv insanity till th' proper founda
tions is established. Th' defince
must prove that th' pris'ner has
money. How do we know he
isn't . broke like th' rest iv us. '
Th' coort How much money
have ye got? Th' pris'ner
Two million -dollars, but I expect
more. Th'. coort Objection over
ruled. "Th' expert is called. 'Doctor,
what expeeryence have ye had
among th' head cures?' 'I have
been f'r forty years in an asylum.'
'As guest or landlord?' 'As both.'
'Now, doctor, I wll ask you a ques
tion. Supposin' this pris'ner to
be a man with a whole lot iv
money, an' supposin' he wint to
this house on th' night in ques
tion, an' suppose it was snowin',
an' suppose it wasn't, an' suppose
he turned fr'm th' right hand cor
ner to th' left goin' upstairs, an'
supposin' he wore a plug hat an'
a pair iv skates, an' supposin' th'
next day was Wednesday ' 'I
objict,' says th' State's attorney.
'Th' statues, ;. with which me
lamed frind is no doubt familiar,
though I be dai-ned if he shows it,
f'rbids th' mention iv th' das iv
th' week.' 'Scratch out Winsday
an' substichoot four o'clock Jan
ooar,' says th' coort. 'Now, how
does th' sentence r-read?' 'Th'
next day was four o'clock in Jan
ooary, an' supposin' th' amount
iv money, an' supposin 'ye haven't
got a very large salary holdin' th'
chair iv conniption fits at th' col
lege, an' supposin' ye don't get a
cent onless ye answer r-right, I
ask ye, on th' night in 'question
whin th' pris'ner grabbed th'
clock, was he or was he not funny
at th' roof?' 'I object to th' form
iv question,' says th' State's at
torney. 'In th' eighth sintinee I
move' to sthrike out th' wurrid
"and as unconstitutional, un
profisayonal, an' conthry to th'
laws iv evidince.' 'My Gawd, has
my clint no nights in this coort?'
says th' other lawyer. 'Ye bet he
has,' says th' coort. 'We'll
sthrike out th' wurrud "and,"
but we'll substichoot th' more
proper wurrud "aloofness." '
" 'Did ye see th' pris'ner afther
his arrest?' 'I did.' 'Where?'
BE AN INCORRUPTIBLE, FAIR AN
WAN THAT YE CAN SUP SOMETHIN
'In th' pa-apers.' 'What was he
doin'? 'His back was tur-rned.'
'What did that indicate to ye?'
'That he had been sufferin' fr'm a
variety ivy tomaine exeelsis '
'Greek wurruds,' says.th' coort.
'Latin an' Greek,' says th' expert.
'Pro-ceed,' says th' coort.' 'I come
to th' conclusion,' says th' expert,
'that th' man, when he hooked th'
watch, was suTerin' fr'm a sud
den tempest in his head, a sudden
explosion as it were, a sudden I
don 't-know-what-th '-divvleJ-it-was
that kind iv wiot off in his chim
bley, like a storm at sea.' 'Was
he in anny way bug befure th'
crime?' 'Not a bit.' He suffered
fr'm warts whin a boy, which
sometimes leads to bozimbral hop
tocollographophiloplutomania, or
what th' Germans call tantrums,
but me gin 'rail con-clusion was
that he was perfectly sane all his
life till. this minnyit, an' that so
much sanity wint to his head an'
blew th' cover off.'
"Has he bean sane-iver since '
says the lawyer. ' 'Ye'd betther
have a care how ye answer that
question, me boy,' says th' pris'
ner, carelessly jingling th' loose
change in his pocket. 'Sane,'
says th' expert. 'Well I shud
think he was. Why, I can hardly
imagine how ne . stayed feather
headed long enough to take th'
villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? I
don't mean anny disrespect to th'
"A PHOTYORAPH IV HIM IS
coort or th' bar, but if ye gintle
men had half as much good brains
in ye'er head as he has, me distin
guished frind, ye'd not be wastin'
ye'er time here. There ain't a
man in this counthry th' akel iv
this gr-reat man. Talk about
Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut
compared with this joynt intel
leck. No, Sir, he's a fine, thought
ful, able, magnificent specimen iv
man, an' has been iver since be
tween twelve four an' twelve four
an'-a-half on that fatal night. An'
a good fellow at that.'
" 'What d'ye propose to do to
stand this here testymony off?'
says th' Judge. 'I propose,' says
ONPREJUDICED JUDGE.
li TO."
GIVE ME
th' State's attorney, 'to prove be
some rale experts, men who have
"DOST DEAL ME ANNY JUSTICE.
earned their repytations be testi
fyin' eight ways fr'm th' jack in
a dozen criminal cases, that so far
fr'm bein' insane on this partick
lar night, this was th' on'y time
that he was porfeckly sane.' 'Oh,
look here, Judge,.' says a lady iv
Th' Daily Fluff, 'this here has
gone far enough. Th' man's not '
guilty, an' if ye don't want a few .
remarks printed about ye, that'll
'
TOOK WITHOUT A COLLAR.'
do ye no good, ye '11 let him off.'
'Don't pay any attintion to what
she says, Fitzy,' gays another lady.
'Her decayed newspa-aper has no
more circulation thin a cucumber.
We expect ye to follow th' in
sthructions printed in our vally
able Journal this mornin'.'
" 'Sir,' says a tall man, risin'
in his place, 'I am th' Riv'rend
Thompson Jubb.' 'Not th' no
toryous shepherd iv that name?'
'Th' same,' says th' Riv'rend
J uDu. mat lowly woruer in in
vineyard iv th' Lord who aston
ished th' wurruld be atin' glass
in th' pulpit an' havin' th' Bible
tattooed on him. I wish th' priv
ilege iv standin' on me head an'
playin' "A charge to keep I
have" on-the accorjeen with me
feet. 'Granted.' says th' coort.
'I will now charge th' jury as to , .
th' law an' th' factj am all
mixed up on th' law; thNfact is
there's a mob outside waitino
lynch ye if ye don't do what t
wants. Th' coort will now advi.
journ be th' back dure.' 'Where's
th' pris'ner?' says th' expert. 'He
has gone to addhress a mothers'
meetin',' says th' clerk. 'Thin I
must be goin', too,' says th' ex
pert. An' there ye ar-re."
"I'm glad that fellow got me
off," said Mr. Hennessy, "but
thim experts ar-re a bad lot.
What's th' diff'rence between
that kind of tistimony an' per
jury?" "Ye pay ye'er money an' take
ye'er choice," said Mr. Dooley.
EXE P IT F'R THIM WANTS IT."
4"