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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Jan. 20, 1907)
THE SUNDAY OREGON JAN, PORTLAND, JANUARY SO, iOT. MaHBNMMMN MMMMMMMMBM 43 tr , T Ten Nights SHOWING HOW A NEED NOT BE A BY OEOKOE ADE. (Copyright, 1906. by George Ade.) o NCE there was a Traveler who happened into a amall town just about the time that a Gentleman who had grown too strong to work was opening a place for the sale of Wines, Liq- uora and Cigars. Nobody ever saw the Wines, but he had a very fine stock of old Sour Mash made out of "Wood Al- cohol, Prune Juice and Cayenne Pepper. We are told in the popular Standard Work by T. S. Arthur that the Traveler came back to the town about a year after and then a year after that and so on until he had kept tab on the Thirst Parlor for about ten years. lie saw a good many of the Best People in the vil lage go to the bad one after anoth er as the Rum Fiend managed to get a side hold on them. Perhaps you have seen the . Drama, "which has been done in every Town Hall in North Amer ica. You will remember how Si- mon Slade, who was a handsome leading man in the first act, with his hair neatly combed and a tailor-made Suit, kept going against the Pink Stuff until in the last act he had an awful case of the Willies and was throwing Furni ture at the Soubi-ette. This book Jives the liquor traf fic a hard Panning. It points out the fact that anyone who dallies with the Essence for any length of time will end up with a Sheriff's Sale or the D. T.'s. This same Traveler who tells about the old time Groggery and the former generation of Lushes, who drank Medford Rum instead of Mamie Taylors, hap- pened into another Town only a few years ago. It was a thriving little Suburb, not far removed from a great City. The Peaceful Residents would squat in front of the Hardware Store for hours at a time, laying out work for the Administration at Washington. A Grab Social was the limit of Reyclry, although there was some excitement 'when- ever a Medicine Show came along. Into this drowsy little Hamlet came a Barkeep with a Clack Mustache. He had convinced the Authorities that he -possessed a T?5f.V CnAWffira.vs in a Darroom ROUSE FACTORY SALOON good Moral Character and so he was given a License to sell, barter or give away anything that could be kept in a Bottle without burn ing holes in the Glass. f lie rented a Corner from one of the Pillars of the Church who needed the Money and fitted up a Swell Joint. The Furnishings in cluded an Ice Box with silver handles and a picture of John L. wearing his Diamond Belt: The Traveler was mighty sorry to see this Pitfall planted right in in the hea rt of a Community where so many prominent Business Men could find time to go in and shake the Box and feed nickels into the Slot Machine, He knew that in a few years all of them would be confirmed Drunkards, of the kind seen in the Tableaux at the School Entertainments. But what do you think! When the Traveler happened through the Town a year or so later the Saloon had disappeared from the corner and in its place was a very attractive road house. The reason he knew it was a Road House was that it said so over the door, and off at one side was a hitch! rack where people could leave their Rigs while they were inside get ting Stewed. "Why ,did you elose up your saloon and open a road house in the same building" asked the Traveler of the -former Agent of Ruin. "Because a great many people who are too nice to go into a Sa- loon will stop at a road house and load up on Peaches for hours at a time," was the reply. "The great purpose of the present fastidious Generation is not to cut it out, but to do it in such a respectable "man- ner. that one can get a. fine large Package without being ashamed Of it." Another year passed and when the traveler returned to the Vil lage he discovered that the Road House had become a Gentlemen's Riding and Driving Club. The Barkeep was no longer a Barkeep, but was now the Steward, and on the wall were pictures of Horses. "What is the difference between a Road House and a. Club?" asked the Traveler of the Stew- ard. Ynas? wjj "Oh. all the difference in the world," replied, the official. ,t a Road House you get loaded in a Road House, while at a Club you get loaded at a Club. Tou feel about the same at the cold gray Dawn of the morning after, hut the f amil is rather proud to know that . Father was: at the Club the night before, whereas it would feel disgraced to know that he had been sitting around in a common Drinking Place." When the Traveler paid his third return visit to the Town the club had disapeared and was now a Bicycle Rest. The Wheeling Craze had come in and the astute Proprietor had a boy out in front to check the Bikes. The Patrons did not line up at the Bar as they do in Saloons. They sat at little Tables. ' The dif ference between a Saloon and a U ft Bicycle Rest was that in a Saloon the Lunch did,not cost anything. The Manager of the high class Resort'explained his System o the traveler. s "I find that many persons who have been carefully brought . up do not like to go into a Barroom,'.' said he, "so I have it carried in from another Room. Why should I ruin my fellow man by giving it to him in a Growler when I can serve it to him in a Stein -and get. 10 cents for it J" "Then this is not a Retail Liquor Establishment 1 ' ' asked the old fogy traveler, who was cer tainly getting acquainted with a new set of Curves. s?33P .T&wjm- fcftx-s Msax I - " , 111 , "By no means," replied the Manager. . "At a Retail Liquor New Tr Fsss.tsr w Establishment you cannot get your j Tires blown up free of charge." : When next the Traveler came along ihteH7&yth :-BieycJd- had died an awful death, and was no longer used except by the Work ing Classes. lie was afraid that possibly the Manager had gone back into the saloon business, thereby spreading sorrow and desolation throughout the Community.. ; But not so. When he strolled down to the corner he found him self at a Summer Garden. The Back Yard had been sprinkled with Gravel and was tastefully decorated with Evergreen Trees growing in Tubs. A hunch of fleinys sat on the Stage at one end .of the Garden and tore off Ragtime, .while Otto and Louie and several other mem- bers of the Union jumped from one table to another serving High Balls, Riekeys and Remson Cool- ers. "i am sorry to see that ou are still peddling tke accursed stuff which men shoot through the Oesophagus to steal away their Brains," said the Traveler, who still had some of the antiquated prejudice against Strong Drink. "You are dead wrong-," replied the Proprietor. . "I am now the Director of an Amusement Enter. prise. . "We play Classical Music every Thursday, Evening, and many a Citizen of Spotless Repu tation, who never leaned his Chest against a mahogany slab, in his whole life, cornea here and sits under a Tree to listen to Vogner and gets piped to the Gills. I have to run this kind of a Place in order to get the quiet Family Trade The Boys tap a fresh Keg every eight minutes, and I am being backed by a Trolley Company, the Directors of which are so consci entious that they never would sup- port an brdinaiy Booze fleadpr en." The Old Traveler thought that he had known a lew things about the Curse of Alcohol, but he found himself guessing. - "I am getting a new line on the crowning Evil of our Age," said he, "It seems that the Habit is comparatively harmless if you lis ten to mudic while teaing up." g .. t- , . i C-ASSICAU 1 pi ' S MUSIC . trar- -v In all his writings on the subject of Rum Selling he had. described a reeking, low class Tavern, where villainous looking Men sat at the Rough Tables and poured down fiery Beverages until they were crazed, after which " they went home to murder their Relations. Instead of which he now found some, of the swellest married couples tepresentcd' in ( the Clue Book holding informal Receptions and cutting into the Grape. 'Nobody. seemed to crave Rum, but there was certainly a -fierce de mand for the cool Bronx Cocktail, the imported German Stuff with the foamy Collar on it, the tall kind with Grass growing out of the Tumbler, the little Irish Ice berg, the Pousse Cafe, the Brandy Float, the New Orleans Sour, the Royal Fizz, the Lexington Toddy and a lot more that Simon Slade jf fcWRjrosswT imznr never got onto or . he wouldn't have lived to appear in the last Chapter of the Book. The Old . Traveler went jiway a good deal bewildered by the mod era Frills and Trimmings that had been added to the simple old-time method of getting Corned Up. He thought he had struck the Limit, but he had not, for when he went back to the town once more the Vaudeville Craze had come along. The former Barkeep had put up an Electric Sign to shoV that he was conducting a Theater. The Traveler ascertained that the difference between a Garden and an Outdoor Theater is that in a Garden you hold the Drink in your Kight Hand while listening to the Germans, whereas in an Outdoor Theater you hold it in the Left Hand while watching the Ac robats. . He found that some of his old Friends, who had been very much opposed to the opening of a Sa- loon in their very midst, loved to stroll into the Pavilion on a Sum mer night sq as to get their Minds of? their Work. By the time everybody at the Table had bought twice and the show had worked down toward the Moving Pictures,, every tired Business Man in the place had for- gotten all about his work. A good many of them remembered theic Names, however. The Traveler, who was revisit iug the Town year after year to observe the devastation of the Sa loon Evil, couldn't even get a good seat or catch the eye of a "Waiter. As for the Saloon Evil, he learned that there was no Saloon in the Neighborhood. The Tax payers were opposed to Saloons. although they bad no objection to a well-conducted Temple of Art where one might sit comfortably and get pie-eyed, pickled, saturat- ed, spifflicated, sprung, ossified petrified and lit up like a Cathe dral. He feared that he would be un able to write the true story of Ten Nights in a Barroom without in volving the entire Social Life and mentioning the names of all those prominent in the Learned Profes sions. Besides, he could no longer find the Barroom. x The Stuff was now coming from somewhere down- stairs on a Dumb Waiter. Did he keep on going back, the same as the Traveler in the Book I Yes, for he liked to see a Good Show himself, and he found that he could drop in any time and or- der a Horse's ftccK and watch ail the Nice Folks from the Residence Streets hoisting: tho Bubbles with- out in any way compromising his Reputation as a Reformer. About three years ago, when he visited the Spot which had once been desecrated by the sale of ordinary Whisky, he came across a Garage with a Repair Shop be hind it, and learned that the Re- sort had taken on a new impor tance as an Inn for the entertain ment of those -who owned Touring Cars. On a pleasant evening all the Hcadliners in the World of Fash ion would be gathered around, small tables on the big veranda, and no matter how much they . threw in it was all right, because they had Chauffeurs to load them up and take them home. But how could the Traveler write about Ten Nights in a Bar room 1 If anyone had come along and called the place a Barroom ho would have been arrested by trie Park Policeman, who stood out in front to keep the Common People from rubbering at our uncrowned Kings and Queens,. The final visit of the Traveler v was the one that put him down and out. On the very Corner where once there had been a Saloon, luring Strong Men to Ruin, there was now a dandy big Hotel. The man who had been merely a tough Barkeep was now iu charge of a very select Establish- ment which had no Barroom what ever, although it boasted a Palm Room and a Rathskeller and a Flemish Room and a Gentlemen's Cafe, in any one of which you could have it opened up for you at any hour of the Bay or Night, while those who could no longer sign their Names merely made signs at the Bell-Hop. Also a Ladies' Tea Room, where it was served in Cups, the same as Bouillon. The Owner of this Exclusive Hostelry was President of tho Local Association organized to prevent Saloons from coming into that part of Town. By years of good behavior he had lived down his early Reputation of having been engaged in the Liquor Busi- ncss. The Old Traveler looked over the ground and threw away his Note Book, He found that he could not write about Ten Niprbts in & Barroom, because the Evil had been exterminated. 4 A