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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 18, 1906)
6 THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTXAXD, FEBRUARY -IS, 1906. Entered at the Postornce at Portland, Or. as Second-Class Matter. SUBSCRIPTION KATES. 3" INVARIABLY IN ADVANCE. (By Mall or Express.) DAILY. SUNDAY INCLUDED. Telv months..... Fin months Three months One month - Delivered by carrier, per sear Delivered by carrier, per month..... Less time, per week Rnnrtnv tnA .nr ......... a $8.00 4. 23 2-25 .70 9.00 .73 .20 2. CO weekly, one year (Issued "xnursaayj. . . jl.. Sunday and Weekly, one year 3.30 HOW TO KKM1T Send postofflce money order, express order or personal check on your local bank. Stamps, coin or currency are at the render's risk. EASTERN BUSINESS OFFICE. The S. C. Beckwlth Special Agency New York, rooms 43-30, Tribune building. Chi cago, rooms 510-312 Tribune building. KEPT ON SALE. ChlcnRo Auditorium Annex, PostoWce News Co., 178 Dearborn street, St. Paul, Minn. N. SL Marie Commercial Station. Denver Hamilton & Kendrlck. 800-812 Sexenteenth street; Tratt Book Store, 1214 Fifteenth street; L Wclnsteln. fioldlleld, Nev. Guy Marsh. Kantta City, Mo. RIcksecker Cigar Co.. Ninth and "Walnut. Minneapolis M-. J. Kavknaugh, 50. S. Third. Cleveland, O. James Pushaw, 307 Superior street. New York City L. Jones & Co., Astor House. Oakland, Cal. W. H. Johnston, Fourteenth tuid Franklin streets. Ogden D. L. Boyle. Omaha Barkalow Bros.. 1612 Farnam: Mageath Stationery Co.. 130S 'Farnanirv240 South 14th. Sacramento, Cal. Sacramento News Co., 438 K street Salt Lake Salt Lake News Co.. 77 West Second street South; Miss L. Levin, 24 Church street. Los Angeles B. E. Amos, manager seven street -wagons; Berl News Co., 32G$4 South Broadway. San Diego B. E. Amos. Santa Barbara, Cal. B. E. Amos. Paoadena, Cal. Berl News Co. San Franclt-co J K. Cooper & Co.. 746 Market etreet; Goldsmith Bros.. 230 Sutter and Hotl St. Francis News Stand; L. E. Lee. Palace Hotel News Stand; Frank Scott.. SO Ellis; N. Wheatley Movable News Stand, corner Market and Kearney streets; Foster & Orcar. Ferry News Stand. Washington, D. C Ebbltt House, Pennsyl an'a avenue. ' PORTLAND. SUNDAY. FEBRUARY 18. SINGULAR OBTUSENESS. Taking Issue with The Oregonian on the ship subsidy bill, the Tacoma Ledg er attempts this illustration and com parison, viz: If the bill will promote the expansion of American trade and the majority of Amer . an nhippors believe It will then the conten t on of its opponents must fall as dismally did the doleful predictions or the same Kmtlrmen regarding the establishment of 'he tin Induetry In the United States. The arirf on tin was to 'have put up the price of "p elates and rob the people of millions. It at ione nothing of the part, but has proved an iitivortant contributor to the present V" rallrled prosperity of the country. But the ship subsidy Mil and protec t.o'i of tin plate stand on precisely op i usite grounds. It was asserted that u e w ere paying too much for tin plate, vd tint the profits of foreign manu f turers were excessive. It was ar-FUi-d. therofore. that If we should pro ", t manufacture of tin plate, the prlce, u1 hnatoly, would be reduced. But the argument for ship subsidy ands mi grounds precisely opposite. 1 is said that foreign ships make rates so low that American ships cannot com pete, without subsidy that is, without direct payments from the "Treasury. American ships, then, are to get the foreign rate for freight service, plus the subsidy paid from the United. States Treasury. But who are they who get the bene fit of low rates made by foreign ship owners, with -which it is alleged that American shipowners cannot compete? Our producers, of course. And who are they who pay this Increased cost of having our goods carried in American subsidized ships? Our .producers, of course. It Is a strange argument, and a most extraordinary one. that the foreign shipowners, -who are carrying our com modities, are doing It at too low a rate, and that we must appropriate money out of the Treasury to make the rate higher. And to what end? That our plethoric steel trust,, already heavily protected, .and selling steel abroad at lower prices than at home, may, in conjunction with shipyards under Its patronage or con trol, grind larger -profits out of the working people of the United States. The Tacoma Ledger should be ashamed of its -own obtuseness, that it doesn't see through the scheme, at once. BEER AND THE HOPGROWER. Some of the visitors at the Willam ette Valley Development League meet ing at SHverton last Wednesday are complaining -because the manager of the Salem brewery was permitted to present an argument against the local optlon la-vv because it threatens the hop Industry, it is averred that this sub jfc t was out of place in a development league Gonventlon. "Whatever one's views may be as to the proper place to discuss the effect of the local-option !aw, the fact remains that hops are produced almost exclusively for the manufacture of beer and that, -whenever the consumption of beer Is forbid den, the market for hops will be gone or will be reduced to the extent that consumption of beer is limited. The Slate of Oregon boasts of its .hop crop and yet proposes to destroy the market for hops o far as lies In its power. Does not this present an Important problem in industrial development? " . Mr. Deckabach, the brewer, endeav ored to discuss the subject from an In dustrial .standpoint alone and leave the moral question's Involved for a more appropriate occasion. He let it be clear ly understood, , however, that a man who raises hops and at the same time "iors the local-option law is Inconsis- nt and not wholly honest. The moral r,':estion Is one which each person must sf tile with his own conscience. If it Is t ght for a farmer to raise hops and sell htm to the brewer, why is it not right f. r the brewer to manufacture them into beer, as that was known to be the purpose for which he "bought them? If it is right for the brewer to use the hops in the manufacture of beer, why is It not right for him to sell the beer and for the purchaser to drink It? If it is wrong to drink beer, or sell it, why is it not also wrong to buy or sell the hops or to produce them? To say that the grower does not know but that his hops will be used in the manufacture of 3 east or for medicinal purposes is a. mere quibble suited to narrow minds and easily satisfied consciences. The production of hops In this state has no possible jurpo.e other than the manu facture of beer. The row,er of haps is therefore unavoidably a. participant In the production of beer. It is for him to a&y whether he is morally honest if he grows hops and denounces the sale of beer. IT IS A PLAIN MATTER. Whether the Legislature of Oregon, after the June election, will be Repub lican or Democratic, nobody knows. But whether Republican or Democratic, Re publicans will vote for a Republican for Senator, and Democrats will vote for a Democrat The issue cannot be Juggled with. Members of the Legisla ture may be guided, and doubtless will be guided, in voting for their candi date, by the vote In the general elec tion; but Democrats In the Legislature will vote for a Democrat, Republicans for a Republican. The popular vote will be a guide, but it Js not conclu sive. Senators are elected by the Leg islature. The Oregonian would be glad to see them elected by a direct vote of the people; but they can't be, till the Constitution of the United States shall be changed. In the business attempted through this cranky and contradictory method in Oregon or rather. In a cranky interpretation of it there can be nothing superior to a man's consci entious obligations, as he himself Inter prets them. The Legislature elects the Senator. No member is going to abdi-, cate his constitutional rights and obli gations; though doubtless all members will be guided by the will or wish of their 'party, expressed through the gen eral balloL THE WHITE HOUSE WEDDING. A story of National and International interest is told in the news dispatches this morning of the marriage of Miss Alice Roosevelt and Nicholas Long worth, Representative In Congress from Ohio. This marriage differs not a whit from ten thousand thousand others, in the subtle sweetness that makes It the one event In the life of a fair young girl the proudest event In the life of a manly man. All else of special in terest hinges upon the fact that the bride Is the daughter of the President and that President Roosevelt stands at home and abroad the accredited and honored head of a great nation. With this central fact to work on. Ahe American people seem for a time to have forgotten that they are -citizens of a republic, and not subjects of a mon archy. But the lapse will be brief; the spirit of Independence and political equality will soon reassert itself and the White House bride will duly take her place in the ranks of American wifehood, American womanhood. Amer ican motherhood. The kindest heart could not formulate for Alice Roosevelt a happier lot than this. It may be sin cerely hoped that less than this will not be her portion. Perhaps the President, as he gives his daughter in marriage, will recall a scene In his not far away youth In which he stood In a modest little chapel In Chest nut Hill, Massachusetts, an ambitious young man, with a slender, fragile girl by his side, and In the presence of a few friends, exchanged marriage vows- with an earlier Alice Lee. In the realm of human affairs, no greater change Js noted than that between the marriage of Alice Roosevelt and the marriage of her young parents, and so rapidly does the American people make history (so cial as well as political) that less than a quarter of a century has Intervened between these two weddings the one in an obscure chapel In a Boston sub urb, the other In the historic East Room at the White House. Happy but brief was the married life that followed the first; happy and long may be the life that succeeds the last. The widespread, If not the real Inter est that centers In this latest White Hoyse wedding attests first of all the honor that is the due and that is freely rendered to Theodore Roosevelt as the responsible Chief Executive of a great nation. The marriages that have pre ceded this one in the White House were great occasions in their day and gener ation. Each represented in its dignity and Impressiveness the status of the Nation at that time at home and abroad. It Is not correct, therefore, to say that the Rooscvelt-Longworth wed ding was more brilliant than any one of Its nine predecessors. Each, reflected the best and stood for the best in the Nation in Its time. If the monarchs of the Old World have been more lavish In their expressions of good will than upon any similar occasion in the past it is because of the larger place that the Nation occupies In the world's per spective as the years go on. It would be strange if this were not so.- It would be more strange if we, as a progressive people, should deplore It. Perhaps the American people are prone to overdo matters of this kind. If so, the loud acclaim with which Alice Roosevelt has been greeted as a bride .may be assessed as a fault that leans to virtue's side. THE VERY AGED. A Boston statistician, curious to prove or disprove the idea of Dr. Osier In re gard to aged persons and their status In the world of pleasure and usefulness, found In his researches along these lines many facts not directly bearing upon the subject, but of Interest to those who were taught In their youth to reverence old age and to deem length of years a blessing. Among these are statistics showing that a greater number of per sons than we are wont to suppose live to extreme old age, and In very many cases do not cumber the ground nor clog the endeavor of younger persons. It Is noted in this connection that an unusual number of persons who had lived to a great age the survivors of a sturdy but depleted generation died In the closing rnonth of last year and the opening month of the present year. The area covered -by the. record of these deaths extended from the Atlan tic to the Pacific Among these deced ents were Ave persons, two of whom were women, whose combined ages were 561 years. The youngest of these was 100 years old, the oldest 1S6. The latter, a negress, was wont to describe the scenes about General Washington's camp at Valley Forge in 1777-78 with a faithfulness to detail that left no doubt that she was speaking from memory. The advocates of tobacco, as a factor in longevity, will be gratified to learn that this woman was an inveterate smoker. Another woman in this list of cen tenarians, also a negress, died in" De cember at the age or 109 The oldest resident of Springfield, Mass., died there January 14, at the age of 102. Very many of the years that these people lived after the Osier limit was reached were years of usefulness and of such pleasure as life brings to con tented minds. Not all were poor,- and one was rich, dying at the age of 114 years and leaving property valued at ;i,ooo.ooo. jho.ugh the mortality among Ihtyery aged, was great in the months noted, not all of this class answered the call of Nature. Coincident with these deaths came reports from various localities of men and women still living who have passed the century mark and are yet Jogging along. The aggregate age" of six of these persons is 610 years. One of these, Mrs. Mary Barnaby, of Brock ton. Mass., celebrated her 102d birthday December 15. Her life has been a stren uous one. Of Its details it is only necessary to say that she Is, or has been, the mother of twenty children. Her grandchildren number 47, showing a decided falling off in numbers In the second generation. The curious would like to know whether a corresponding Increase In quality is noted with the decrease in quantity. We may, without offense, hope that this is true, since we are told that this old woman has smoked a pipe since she was 20 years old a statement that Invokes a most intensely malodorous picture. These are but a few of the centenar ians, living and recently -deceased, that have been disclosed by research. Most of those who still await the' summons are reputed to be cheerful and spright ly willing to stay but ready to go, and living In comfort upon the fruits of their early endeavor, though cared for, as Is seemly, by their children, or by those who will inherit their savings. It is not this class of the very aged to whom pity for unseemly length of years Is due. It is the aged poor, vic tims of neglect in poverty, stricken homes, lingerers in almshouses, Wretched sufferers from physical Ills, more wretched victims of minds dis eased, from whom pity turns, upbraid ing Nature for her tardiness In bring ing to them the only possible relief. Un able to grapple with the problem of life in their youth or middle age, the old people of this class can hardly be con gratulated upon the length of years that has been their portion, but sincere ly commiserated Instead in that exis tence which can hardly be called life has so long been their portion. MANUFACTURING LIFK. Professor Wllhelm Ostwald, the great chemist, whose speculations upon the possible manufacture of living beings have excited so much Interest, contrib utes a brief outline of his vlewa to The Sunday Oregonian. It is curious how radically our feelings towards matters of this kind have changed within the last few centuries, within a few decades even. Darwin never suggested, as Ost wald does, that men might ultimately manufacture animals, not excepting their own kind, precisely as they do steam engines and dynamos; he merely showed that our race has descended from monkeys, leaving to the hypothet ical Creator all the essential glory of originating life. But Darwin was as sailed with a cyclone of invective. He was maligned and his theory was ridi culed. It was a long time before the leaders of popular thought would ex amine the evidence for his hypothesis. It was assumed that nothing so wicked could possibly be true, and when the truth could no longer be denied. It was accepted with sullen reluctance. On the other hand, when Ostwald presents us With reasons for believing that in some century not very remote there may ex ist manufactories for turning out ready made men and women by the thousand, we listen with Intelligent curiosity. No body thinks of quoting Moses against him. Nobody calls him an atheist. As a scientific authority, Moses is happily extinct. Such Is the difference between the middle of the nineteenth century and the first decade of the twentieth. Going back a little farther, we come to a time when all scientific investigation was under the ban of the ology. The physician was a sorcerer In league with the devil, the Inventor was a wicked magician, science was witch craft. The inventor of printing had sold himself to the Adversary, so Medieval Europe believed. Roger Bacon was kept In prison many years for Invent ing some Ingenious toys. When Kepler published the laws of the planetary mo tions, he had to placate theology by as signing an angel to each planet, who rode It around the sun as circus riders guide their horses around the center pole. Descartes, who was a scientific genius of the first order, did not dare to publish his investigations, and many of them have been lost. Spinoza, the great father of modern thought, was hounded all his life by theologians. Ob loquy and bitter persecution were the lot of the men who laid the foundations of the Intellectual world we live in. The dungeon, the torture chamber and the stake were the reward of their achieve ments. Now theology of that sort skulks with cheiromancy and astrology, a for lorn vagrant In the byways of civiliza tion, while science rules with benefi cent scepter the realm which she made desolate for a thousand years. Even within the churches, few of the abler thinkers take the old-time theol ogy seriously at the present time. A science whose conclusions are beyond proof or disproof his little attraction for virile minds except as a diversion. Professor Ostwald himself does not dis dain to dip Into theology to excite a smile. He says that the Scriptural Idea of the "new birth" Is a prophecy of the mechanical construction of human be ings. This will indeed be a "new birth," though not precisely what the evangelists had in mind. One cannot help speculating a little upon the changes the Invention will bring about when It is perfected. Professor Ost wald thinks It would be a good Idea to Invent a few animals with Intelligence more nearly human than those now ex isting possess. They might replace men in some of the coarser and more un pleasant occupations. The professor overlooks the fact that this has already been- done for all practical purposes. There are plenty of machines whose ef fective Intelligence surpasses that of any animal except man, and which are much more accurate than the human hand or eye. Throughout the world of science and Industry machines have al ready displaced iucX -human labor es does not require that epecles of thought which we call genius. Machines can outdo men In handling, shaping and combining material. They can observe, measure, remember and calculate. Nothing would be gained If these ma chines could be endowed with life and much would be lost." Their intelligence now works with inflexible precision, un dlstracted by desire, undisturbed by Joy or sorrow. Life would not make machines more efficient, but it would give them the capacity to suffer, and there is suffering enough in the world already. In. this matter the course which Invention has chosen is wiser and better than the one Professor Ost wald suggests. Machines are steadily taking from men 'the primal curse of labor. When we have learned to dis tribute their benefactions instead of permitting a few persons to ab'sorb the whole of them, the human race -will have achieved its emancipation from excessive toll without waiting to solve the riddle of creation. But the creation of an improved brand of dogs may be anticipated with unmln gled Joy. What a blessing, for example, would be a dog which could not bowl in the night time, or a cat whose mu sical gifts darkness should strike dumb instead of stimulating! This we may hope for without presumption, since In our shops of the future we may endow animals and men with any powers we choose. A soldier who should relish embalmed beef might be constructed, for the delight of the Army contractors. Indeed, It seems as If the manufacture of soldiers might be one of the most ex cellent of all the applications of our cre ative art. They could be made In any quantity upon demand, and might eas ily be constructed so as to fall asleep at the end of the war and not waken until the next one broke out. This would solve the promlem of a standing army and would do away wltlmhe ne cessity for pensions. War waged with artificial armies would cease to be the cruel enormity which it is and become a charming and comparatively inex pensive recreation. Would it be murder to kill an artifi cial man? Would it' be polygamy to marry two or more artificial women at the same time? Will divorces be ne cessary when, by turning a peg, a hus band can be shut off, as It were, tem porarily or permanently? Will there still be courting In that happy future which Professor Ostwald foresees, or will Angellne go to the husband shop and order Adolphus according to the latest fashion, as she now orders her gown? All this one fain would know, but the veil of the future hangs dark and impenetrable. We must wait un til the men shops are running; then all will be revealed. PAY WITHOUT WORK. Mr. Bernard R. Green's notions of his duty to the Government, which pays him for his time, doubtless conforms to the Washington fashion, but to- people not belonging to the charmed circle they appear peculiar. The Washington idea is that a man who has sold his time to the public isanot under the least obligation to do any work which he can -possibly avoid, and he has the right to sell it over again as often as he can. An agreement to serve the Government is an elegant means of securing leisure to serve anybody and everybody except the Government. It Is rather bad form In Washington, apparently, for a pub lic employe to do the work which he Is paid for, from the Senate down to Mr. Green. Green was asked by Mr. Tawney, of the appropriations committee, how much time he gave to his duties in the Congressional Library, of which he is the custodian. "AH my time." he re plied unblushingly; but a moment later he confessed that he drew a salary of 52000 a year -as architect of the Na tional Museum, another from the new Willard Hotel. 54000 as superintendent of construction of the Capitol at Har risburg. and so on. This Is typical of the sort of service the people get from their servants in Washington. At least two men. and sometimes half a dozen, must be paid to get one man's work done. The Government employes pass their time either In a round of indiffer ence and idleness, or else in earning outside salaries. It Is a condition of things which sorely needs reformation. The public will approve of the begin ning which the appropriations commit tee has made and would gladly see the whole system of Government service put upon a common-sense, business basis. PLANTS ARB SENTIENT THINGS. Dr. Henry S. Conrad, of the botanical department of Johns Hopkins Univer sity, after continued experiments. Is convinced that in some forms of plants all of the senses of animals except that of hearing are developed. "I have never been able to discover any way In which they are susceptible to sound." says this plant-lover and Investigator, "but In seeing, feeling and tasting they are de veloped." He finds the sundew, a plant that grows in swamps about Baltimore, possessed of the sense of taste to a greater extent than any other which he has studied, an'd adds: With a single exception they can recg site light and the direction frera which It come: they feel the slightest wound. They discriminate In taste, they have a sense of direction, whether they are turned In the right direction or not. and are Influenced by electric current panning near them. This is certainly Interesting. It is furthermore, in a sense, painful, when we reflect how ruthlessly these sensi tive things are trodden under foot, how greedily they are devoured alive, how remorselessly slain for the support of animal life. Indeed, these delvlngs Into the realm of Nature and the findings brought up by the wise men are in ways distressing to the Imagination. The man who would needlessly tread upon a worm long ago lost caste at the court of pity, and now it seems likely to come to pass that he who needlessly destroys or wounds a growing plant will be cen sured in like manner as cruel. All of this has, however, nothing to do with Dr. Conrad's discovery. He has found In living, growing plants tho faculties that make life life to the ani mal creation, and it is this that com mands Interest. And interest thus aroused can hardly fall to kindle In the minds of the reverent and the thought ful a new appreciation of what Bryant so reverently designated as: An emanation of the Indwelling lire A visible token of the upholding love. That are the eoul of thto wide universe. Commenting on the probable success of the proposed model theater In New York City for which 53,000,000 has .been subscribed, the Press demands that It must have these features: The management will not "stand In" with ticket speculators while publicly denouncing them, but will have oiie price for every seat. There will be room enough between the rows to let spectators pats In and out without step pug on other people's feet or disturbing half the audience. The playhoute will be properly ventilated and never overheated. People will not have to wait for hair an hour after the performance to get their wrap out of the cloakroom. Ushers will not hang the seats while the players are acting. Jabbering In a loud voice by garrulous per-, sons In the auditorium will be stopped. The pernicious activity of Rev. Wil bur F. Crafts In abuse of the franking privilege again comes to light. He Is now circulating through the mails, un-. der Senator Gallinger's frank, an at tack upon the brewing industry. Beer may be a deleterious beverage, but there are many substantial citizens who do not think so. and they may justly protest against the use of their own money In a propaganda contrary to their own opinions. This is what Mr. Crafts' abuse of the Senatorial frank amounts to forced contributions from every taxpayer" in the Nation to propa gate his special, peculiar, and in many cases absurd ideas. A privilege which is so .frequently and so grossly abused as that of franking matter through the malls ought to be abol ished. The National German-American Alliance suggests that each Congress man bejsupplled with stamps' for his official correspondence. The. proposal seems proper and feasible. .It would preserve all the real benefits of the frank, If there are any, and shut off the graft of such parasites as Crafts. The evil is crying and demands a remedy. So successful was the experiment of the British navy In drawing the electric current for firing guns on men-of-war from the dynamos of the ship that all vessels now under construction will be fitted to fire their guns by this means. The authorities are so convinced of Its superiority over the old firing-cell meth od that they have determined, to Intro duce it into all battleships and large cruisers which still find a place in the first fighting line. In the new plan of drawing the current from SO-volt and 100-volt dynamos, a transformer Is used which reduces the current used for fir ing the gun? to 15 volts sufficient to overcome any extra resistance likely to be temporarily introduced Into the gun circuits. The system, introduced at first for the larger guns only. Is now being arranged to fire the small quick firers; and the number of mlss-flres are being reduced to a minimum. This re duction of mlss-flres has been special ly noticeable during the recent gun nery competitions, the ships fitted for dynamo firing with the 15-volt circuits getting considerable advantage from the certainty of their circuity. In the end it will also prove much more eco nomical, as it certainly Is much less cumbersome, and. greatest advantage of all, much less likely to get out of order. Never mind where the Information as to District Attorney Bristol, which estopped his confirmation, came from. It was true; it first appeared in The Oregonian and was published as news. The publication was not inspired by any feeling of hostility toward Mr. Bristol, for there was none. He holds a public position: he is a public man; his nomination was -sent to the Senate, but was not confirmed. The Oregonian ascertained why. and published the fact. It has -made no opposition at any time to Mr. Bristol: has never tried to prevent his appointment or confirma tion. The publication by The Orego nian had no effect on his fortunes, one way or the other, nor was intended to have. The intention simply was to pub lish a matter of news. The famine that threatens three mil lions of the subjects of Japan is in ghastly proof of the need of expansion which made the resistance of Japan to Russian encroachment in Asia neces sary. Japan has more people than can be maintained upon her islands. Her population Increases with great rapid ity. Not only must those of the pres ent be fed. but the future outlook must be studied and disaster from starva tion be forestalled. Hence the conten tion for a foothold in Manchuria; hence the desperate effort to break the hold of Russia in that province. It will be necessary to help the famine-stricken people in Northern Japan this time; hereafter they may be depended upon to help themselves like the bees by swarming. The great fortune of the Longworth family was made at Cincinnati from 1S25 to 1S60. in the liquor business. Nicholas Longworth, grandfather of Nicholas Longworth. of the present day. went extensively Into grape cul ture in Southern Ohio. That brought him into the wine business on a large scale, and then into a general liquor business. It seems a pity that Alice should have married "tainted money." But we have had examples In Oregon. The 10.000 unhappy Portland "gas" consumers who are burning hot air, or trying to. and paying for It, should not forget that the g?s investigation begins next week. What the Council commit tee, of which John Annand is chair man, wants is facts. And there are many facts to be had. To please the church element the Re publicans of Seattle have adopted a platform declaring for a permanently closed town. The First Ward knows that the next Chief of Police Is not to be elected on it. l Secretary Root says there is some thing in the Orient and the tropics that warps the American conception of In tegrity. Lincoln Steffens has found the same stuff nearer home. Marriage, indeed, has got into the hands of the vulgar, and the most vul gar of all things Is marriage. But it seems that everybody must submit. The people will understand, or will perfectly understand, that the prlmary law Is a law for the nomination of can didates, not an election law. Air, water and pure, unadulterated gall cost nothing, and grease can be bought for 65 cents a barrel. No wonder our ga6 magnates get rich. The Senate bill prohibiting gambling In the territories may be a gentle hint to Arizona that there are worse things than joint statehood. A previous engagement .at Council Bluffs prevents Pat Crowe from defi nitely announcing his intention to adopt a-stage career. The Washington Supreme Court's opinion of the woman who owned the dog would have made better reading. A few of the 400 managed to get into the 1000. Good-bye, Nick;, take care of your-, self. NEWSPAPER WAIFS. if the newspapers don't quit abusing pat ent medicines.' mued the Hon. Thomas Rott. "there will be no way lert for obscure Congressmen to get their faces In print." Puck. Drawing the Line. "When I get to Con gress I'm going In for rerorm." "What kind of reform?" "General." "Reform In elec tion methods?" "Certainly not I want to be re-elected." Cleveland Plain Dealer. "Pictures and poetry." said the artistic young woman, "do much to smooth the pathway of life. 7- "Yes." answered Mr. Cum rex. "there's a Mot of advertisements that wouldn't be read If It weren't ror them." Washington Star. I've called." said the lady, "to thank you ror the notice yoa gave my 'History of Female Suffrage. but. by the way. you had one odd typographical error. You spoke of me as a new h-l-s-t-e r-l-r-a-1 writer." "That's so." replied the literary editor, hysterical should be spoiled with a y.' Philadelphia Ledger. A COLUMN OF TOPICAL VERSE The Buccaneer and the Books. Wallace Irwin In the Reader. Twas anno 1602. The day, of course, was fair. I sailed upon the pirate shlp.'the-Caterwaul- lng Claire, When up spake brutal Captain Pink, ' "Ye cuttlepated loon ye. Put on yer gloves and. overcoat we're goln' to maroon ye!" "O Captain Pink, what have I did." sez T. "to rouse yer Ire. But spilt molasses In yer boots and set yer ship afire?" "Shove off the boat!" the Captlng roars. sardonically smllln. And fust I knowed they'd set me down upon a desert urn. Me shipmate wept In silence as they helped me off on shore And made me nice and- comftable and mur mured, "Awe revore." Then as provisions fer me Stay, as on the beach I grovels. They left a keg o pickled- clams and a set o seaside novels. For three long weeks upon the beach a-strugglin to be ca'm. iTd read a page o Ouida, then I'd eat a pickled clam. Until at last one orful morn I seen, with pulses stralnln Wux only Miss Corelll's works and seven clams rerealnln'! While thus I quandered In despair. Imagine, please, me shocks A gang o .naked savages came troopin' down the rocks. Jest then a wild, lnspirln' thought me fevered temples beat I'd trade that stock o llter'ture fer some thin good to eat! A savage chief walked up to me and touched me on the sleeve. I held a novel out to him (the "Duchess," I believe). The chief he read a page or so, and then, the first I knowed. Jest glued his feechers to the page and mut tered, "I'll be blowedT In huge delight he went away, but pretty soon returned With beer and cheese and mutton chops and almonds nicely burned. And when I'd et enough he said: "If It's the same to you. I'm alt wrapped up In that there book please lend me volume two. "For years." he said, "I've been the king of this here Gumbo Goo; But oftentimes It palls on me with nothin much to do - But you have come and saved me life and brung me what I need. It's fun to be a cannibal with lots o" books to read!" I lent the book he araked and started' there and then A clrculatln library among them savage men; And soon the tribe got busy as the bees around the hives To bring me gold and' precious stones and vegetables and wives. And so I built me business up and lived In wealth and pride. Distributln me priceless wares until the day I died; And on them drear and barren rocks me sign's still seen. I'm told: - "Timothy Bludgeon. Buccaneer : Books Bought, Exchanged or Sold." Golf In Cactus Center. Denver Republican. We was propped against the 'dobe of that Joint o Poker BlU's When a tenderfoot was spotted, actin queer like In the hills; He'd a ball of gutta-percha, and was puttin" , In his licks Jest a-knockln it to glory with a bunch o crooked sticks. Well, we went up there quite curus. and we watched him paste the ball. Till a-Itchtn fer to try It seemed to get a-holt of all. And at last Packsaddle Stevens asked-to give the thing a swat. - And we gathered round to see him show thft stranger what was what. Well, the golfer stuck the spheeroid on a little pile o dirt And Packsaddle swiped and swatted, but he didn't do no hurt; He barked his shins terrific, and he broke his little stick. And when he heard a snicker, his guns came out. too quick. We dropped behind the cactus, with some holes clipped In our clothes. While the golfer Xor the sky-line wagged his checker-boarded hose; And when we took home Stevens, and three others that was hurt. The golf ball still was settln on Its little pile o' dirt. So we ain't no new St. Andrews, and we hope no golfer thinks ' He can cut loose here In Cactus with a set of oatmeal links; We go In fer games that's quiet, and" stir up no blood and Iusj. And down In Cactus Centre poker's good enough for us. The Way to Do It. x Plqua (O.) Call. Exerctae three time's a day: Feed yourself on simple tare Mostly made of ' bran and hay: Revel in the open air; Xever give way to your tears; Sleep just like a baby; Then you'll live a hundred years Maybe. Wear no wrapa about your throat: Do not eat late lunches; Do. oh! do' not rock the boat: Shy away from punches: Do not drink too many beers; Let not debts distress: Thn you'll live a hundred years More or leas. Don't dispute with men who wear Larger Arts than you; Do not give way to despair. Though the rent Is due; Do not waste your strength in tears; As for trouble, scout It: Then you'll live a hundred years Doubt it? Do not umpire baseball games; Don't for office run; Do not call a fellow names If he has a gun; Unto wisdom lend your ears; Shun the festive schooner; Then you'll live a hundred years If you don't die sooner. Vnrlous Folks Hymns. Llppineott's. The automobillst's "Oft In danger, oft in woe." The dentist's "Change- and decay In all around I see." The multimillionaire's "Ten thousand times ten thousand." The bookkeeper's "A charge to keep I have." The hypnotist's "Art thou weary, art thou languid?" The divorce lawyer's "Blest be the tie that binds." The boaster's "Blow ye the trumpet, blow." The llfeea.ver's "Brtast the wave." The pugilist's "Fight the good fight. The Esquimau's "From Greenland's icy mountains." The Chicago girl's "How firm a founda tion." The engaged girl's "Shout the glad tid ings." The elected candidate's "The strife la o'er, the battle won." The astronomer's "The spacious firmament on high." The "Unpopular Man. S. W. Gillllan In The Reader. Give me for friend the man whose friends are few; Who, though hia heart be clean, and stanch and good Though every Tiber of the soul be true Is tactless, blunt and seldom understood. In such a drift God oft' conceals a lode Whose richness makes Golcondas wealth seem naught; On such an one be ofttimes has bestowed Large worth t hid It must be shrewdly sought. So, while the rabble fawns on him whose, rriends Are as the sands that rim the ocean's blue I choose the best of those that hea,ven sends Give me for friend the man whose friends are few. - THE PESSIAUST. Tha Kansas CUv Journal has a. storv Of a snake and axgas meter. For. six-months tne snake prevented the representatives of the gas company from. reading the meter In the cellar of a man named Davenport, and all the while Davenport was using the gas. That does not sound like a true story,, because the gas com pany could -have shut the gas oft from the outside. Nevertheless 1 believe the circumstances happened as related, be cause after a while the snake died; then the company made the man Day ud. That sounds more like a gas company. However, the chief reason why I believe the story Is this: If It had been a mere romance. the man who concocted the yarn would not have stopped at one snake. He would have introduced an endless relay of snakes. What arc a few snakes compared to the possibility of get ting the best of a gas company, even In a story? A lady from Sllverton writes a letter In which she expresses her disgust at the manner in which the speakers .at the Development League convention made complimentary remarks about the ladles who were present. They spoke of them ati "pretty women. "beautiful women." "women with rosy Hps," and said other things about them that annoyed the lady who wrote the letter very much. It Is possible that she tried to apply some of those remarks to herself, and they wouldn't fit. There is no doubt about it. St. Louis is entitled to the prize. A wealthy lady gave a party to her young married daugh ter. The following item of "society" news tells in part how it was done: A huge rattle summoned the gucstii to the luncheon table. In the dining-room the stork trlmmingA outdid everything else In the house. A cradle occupiedthe center of the table. Tn It was an Imltatlen baby in swaddling clothes, and watching over It was a big stork. The favors were paper cribs, over which storks, with doll bablefl in their bills, hovered as ir they were about to place them there. The nap kins were rolded and pinned with safety-pins. During the trial of Baron John Schlenk the prosecution said this: "There are certain saloons in the city Into which no decent women would go." He should have stated where the saloons are Into which a decent woman could go. In spite of the excitement for the last month or so. it has 'been observed that the gas company goes on, and on. The Oregon boy-poet thinks that it will go on forever. Perhaps it will unless Thomas McCusker, whose slogan is 60-ccnt gas, comes to the rescue. The following letter, accompanied by a poem, was just received from the boy poet, who, presumably, has been working on his great epic, "Grover Cleveland": To the Editor. I have lately been In studious retirement", searching In the- char nel house of wrinkled Eld for the secrets of the mighty past. My harp was ignored. The reappeaarnce of the poet. George W. Hennaway. however, has incited me to sing and I submit herewith a poem culled from the fragrant flowers of poesy. I at first called It "Portland Gas,' but changed It to "God Pity Vs." In this composition It Is far from my desire to say aught derogatory of the Gas Company or In any way to weaken the ties that bind It to the public favor. It has been more to my purpose t- picture it as a corporation somewhat peculiar In Its ways, but not much more so than some others the Standard Oil. for Instance. I am sorry that he considered It neces sary to change the name of the poem to "God Pity Us." because pity in this case seems somewhat inadequate. What we need is Thomas McCusker. However, "What's in a name? That which we call a poem By any other name would swell Its feet." The "enamel house of wrinkled Eld" has been holding the" boy-poet since Jan uary 7. when he favored us with his fa mous lyric on Bob FItzsimmons. This is how he handles the gas situa tion: Go on. gigantic octopus; Go on and rob us if you must: Humanity, with suffering dread. Long, long your hungering paunch 'ha fed. t Go on and rob God pi$y us! "We know who owns the Portland Gas, "Who owns the public, too, alas! A gang whose plutocratic sway With blasted eyesight paves Its way. And tells the public, "You must pay." Go on, nor fear to face the wrath That's rising fast upon your path: Your lucky star is shining still. What care you for the people's ill So long as you can get your fill? Fear not each sudden sound and shock, 'Tis but the rising of your stock. -That noi3e, which sounds like a Big Stick. Is but the meter's regular click. Go rob them all the strong, the sick. Start not! That sound which doth come o'er Your frightened sense Is but the roar Of 'scaping gas. which all the more Will enrich your plethoric golden store. Fear not the muttered, mumbled threat. The people's rage won't hurt you yet. 'Tis of the many, not the few, But what they devil can they do? Sit back in peaceful, smiling ease. And rob them, plunder, as you please. Despite the public's deepest hate, Despite the excessive o'ercharged rat?, Maintain your rich, munificent state. And leave the public to its fate. Tis yours to rob. That mission high Outweighs the widow's mournful cry; .Let not the stifled, smothered sigh Of chilled penury moist your eye. Dig down Into their pockets deep And get the gold Let women weep. Go on. nor fear the rising tide Of o'erwrought Ire. It will subside: That, poor and laboring, ill-used wight Who cries for light, for cheaper light, Is like one bound by iron bars. Whose fancy clutches for the stars. But heed him not. The fool, alas! Will take unquestioned watered gas. And bless the hand that gave to him 'The inflated bill for gaslight dim. O, Portland Gas! we bow to thee. Clothed with thy great authority: There will never come to this sorrowing land A power that can grab with the selfish hand That is your own, Great Octopus! Go on and rob God pity us. Into each life some rice must fail. Some old shoes must make us weary. Nick Longworth. But why didn't papa give the bride a bearskin? Mayor Lane's policemen would be in a truly horrible fix if they were compelled to collect an occupation tax from tho "burglars and hold-up men. M. B. WELLS.