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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (June 11, 1905)
Hp: RE is Summer coming around a sain, and I must play -watch doff to those dreadful girls the most In defatigable. Insatiable girls that ever drew breath. I wonder why girls never want to rest for a change? They have danced all Winter, until one would sup pose they would like to crawl into a hole and He there dormant for the rest of their lives. But no; they are looking forward to tennis and rowing and swimming and all sorts of other ttrenuous things, with the thermometer at 59. and I am ox pected to sit and watch them, liobody caring hat the freckles are coming thick and fast and that blisters arc forming on the back of my neck. I'm only the chaperon. Perhaps there are people who think a chaperon's life a merry Jest. I wish they would try It for a while. It la the most thankless task on earth, and no wonder the girls' own mothers -want to shift the responsibility upon some one else. They make the excuse that they have their bridge and other things, and I am engaged to keep an eye on the girls. The girls themselves hate it just as much as I do, and I know they call me grifiln and dragon behind my back. I found out what "g" and "d" stand fori They are forever leading me into dan ger and Into blood-curdling situations. They climb out on slippery rocks at the risk of being cut off by the tide or swept away by the breakers, but go they must, as far as it Is possible for human feet to penetrate, and I have to follow, -with no one to hold my hand or help me ovor the rough places, and there I sit an hour or two In the cold and damp listening to nothing but their giggling, for that is the extent of the girls' conversational pow ers, and they indulge in it on all occa sions, especially when my foot slips or a shriek of fear escapes me. They are the most heartless girls on earth. That -was borne in upon me forc ibly the other day by a remark made by Elsie. 1 was telling her of a friend of mine who had been suddenly stricken with blindness, and who, moreover, was deaf and dumb. "Oh!" she cried, clasp ing her hands ecstatically, "what a chap eron she'd make!" and I sincerely believe that If I were stricken that way myself tomorrow, thoy would both be beside themsolves -with joy. They have a passion for dark corners, and for the back seuts of wagons on driv ing parties. Thoy think I don't know why.. But I wasn't always a chaperon. I was a young girl once mysolf, and per haps I liked dark corners and the back seat. too. Well, I certainly have to take a back seat now. They also tako the greatost delight get ting me into yachts and sailboats. They know I hate boats of any sort, and I'm always too ill to watch them; so that Is their little game. They wait until I am hors de combat, thon they disappear off into the cornors they so love and I am left alone with my mal de mor. If they wore to elope in the middle of the stream, I shouldn't be able to raise a flngor to prevent it, and I can only be thankful that they haven't taken It into their fool ish heads to do so yot. Fancy what Maud said the other day! When I remonstrated with her about wishing to go driving alone with a young man in a runabout, telling her that no one but an engaged girl would do such a thing, she pulled me by the oar and said: "Oli, you poor old goose; just lot mo go, and I'll bo engaged by the time I come back!' They arc always losing their hearts to some inane object In a pink shirt and beardless chin, and wearing h6 college pins and carrying his picture next their hearts. Thoy rush him unmercifully for a week, and I have to follow, as If I were after Wm. too, until my ankles ache, fit to drop off. Then they suddenly see an other of the same brand, and they drop the first and begin the rush over again after the second. The .first thing they al ways tell each one is that I am a watch dog. and the callow thing scowls at mo and helps the girls outwit mo at over turn. Oh, the Joy of being a chaperon! They are nevor ready to go home from any place, and bog me for one more dance Just once more until the lights go out. They must dance at least ton miles a night, but that doesn't satisfy them, and whenover I mention home they regard me in an injured manned and act as If they were the most abused beings on earth. They have never sat In a back row, unat tended, watching other people dance, for five consecutive hours. When they do go home, instead of going to bod like Christians, they must sit up until daybreak, talking and giggling over the time they've had and criticising 'he boys they've met. Every time is the time of their lives, and nearly every boy is tlioir fate for sure. Nobody ever thinks of fetching mo a glass of punch or an ice. Chaperons are supposed to be like camels In the desert ablo to go for an Indefinite time without drink or refreshment. Frequently 1 have had to sit in draughts ,and once or twice I have felt the grip developing during the cotillon. But do you think tho girls would mind that? Not for a minute. They would think the grip might produce blindness or deafness, and would look upon it as the most desirable thing that could happen. They would gladly chloro form me and tie me in a chair from the. beginning of a dance until the end. Thank heaven that the skating sea son is over! They had me out on tho U-e day after day last Winter, trying to follow me on the slippery surface. I on my feet and they on skates. I never endured such torture in my life. They oould speed away from me in the twinkling of an eye. and you can .be lieve they did it. It was Impossible for me to find them In the crowd, and I was chilled to the marrow of my bones, and it is only God's mercy that I didn't catch pneumonia ten times over. For there is nothing so cold, so dreary and so cheorless as an ice pond if you are watching others skate! I had to wait patiently at tho end of tho pond until the very last skaters were In; then my precious charges hove into sight with four or five steaming youths whom they may have picked up on tho Ice for aught I know, lor all their beaux look precisely alike to me, say ing how short the afternoon had been and making engagements to pome again on the morrow. Swimming has taken the place of skating, and they are going In for that with equal vim. They know I can't swim, so they take Infinite delight swimming out where I couldn't follow if the salvation of my soul depended upon It. They strike out to a raft which very few other girls are able to reach, and there they sit with literally a -raft of boys about them, dangling their stockings in the wator and reveling in their freedom. I know if I could see that far that they are poking their tongues out at me where I sit on the beach under my umbrella. It would give them su promest joy to have me attempt to The Shades Discuss "Tainted Money" WASHINGTON, JEFFERSON AND SAMUEL ADAMS HAVE DECIDED VIEWS ON AN INTERESTING POPULAR TOPIC BY FUEDERICK UPHAM ADAMS. Author ot "John Burt" aad'The Kidnaped MHMcmatrM." (Introdcetlen The shades ot Washington, JcCerwn and Samuel Adams bare returned to tho country they helped to establish. Late at nicht they vWt the llbrary-roera oi Smith, an author, and And him In con venation with bin friend 'Brown. A number of coaterenee ensue, after which the Shades depart en a tour of the country and make a rtudy of ex lmjnc condition. They are azata vUIUri: Smith and Brown, when the fettewtac dis cussion takes plaee.) "H AVE you kopt track of all thU talk about 'tainted money? asked Brown, addressing my dlstln- guiohed guests, after an Interval of silence. Without waiting for a reply. Brown launched into a tirade In which he said: "We have reached an Intellectual stage in thU country 'when the only subjects of popular intorost arc crimes, scandals and the sayings and doings of our ultra-rich. Wo would Ignore the .writings of a new Shakespeare or a Goldsmith in order to devour pages about the vulgar display at a moneyed wedding. For the same rea son we become much excited when it is hinted that the money of a Rockefeller should not be used for religious purposes. When the gentleman whose gift is thus scrutinized doigncd to take notice of the attempted reburf the matter became a National issue." "It matters llttlo how issues are raised." remarked Jefferson, "so long as thoy are forced on the attontlon of tho more intel ligent section of a people. The arrival of a cargo of tea in Boston harbor was the incident which caused the American peo ple to seriously consider the question ot their independence. The hanging of John Brown served tho saxno purpose when the issue of slavery could no longor be Ig nored. Since that time no moral question has assumed National importance. Un less the signs are misleading, the Rocke feller incident mar precipitate an issue which will effect another revolution." "In what wart" I asked. "As I look at it, the acceptance or rejection of Mr. Rockefeller's gift by a religious organi zation is a personal matter of small con sequence. Mr. Rockefeller's wealth has made him the target for more or less jus tifiable criticism. Were It not for tho popular hostility against the Standard Oil Company his S10Q.O3O would have been ac cepted with alacrity. Certain persons per THE OTNDA OBEGOXIA $RTLJ3n); ' J02vE ' 1, ' swim out after them, for they know I should be drowned half way over. A chaperon requiros the eyes of an Argus, all around her head. If I turn around a minute at a dance those girls arc out of sight. They might have been unded my very nose the instant before, but they vanish Into thin air if I so much as blink. Then there is a great to-do to .find them. If there-ere back stairs or a conservatory, those are the mpst likely places, and they al ways act as If I were the guilty party when they are discovered. How I pity the women with daugh ters! No wonder they engage duennas to look after them! It is a wearing and aging business. I cannot be too thankful that the matinee season is over. Saturday af ternoons throughout the entire Winter they dragged me t6' inane perform ances, which I had to sit through, while they gushed over the actors and stuffed chocolates. Afterward nothing sufficed but to linger for an hour at the stage door waiting for the heroes to come out. who never by any possi bility did come out. Then they must skurry home again and indite fond let. tors to the leading man, begging for his autograph and a lock of his hair. It did no good to remonstrate with them. Each leading man was their idol, and because they had spent their week's allowance to see him they were sist In holding him responsible for tho acts of a corporation with which he is Identified. Despite all the charges made and the agitation in consequence of the Incident, the money was accoptcd, as It should have been. In my opinion this Is the end of the matter." Great Question to the Fore. "You arc In error, Mr. Smith," delib erately asserted Samuel Adams. "On the contrary, it Is the beginning of a very Important mattor. A great moral ques tion has been pressed to the fore, the first one, as Mr. Jefferson has said, since tho perpetuation of slavery was disputed. You arc about to draw the line between honest and dishonest' wealth, or rather, between the honest and dishonest hold ers of wealth. You are about to challenge laws, conditions and Institutions which have placed a premium on dishonesty. You are about to coin a new proverb,'' he continued with a quizzical smile, "one which will run to the effect that 'money is known by the company it keeps.' " "If that be true." laughed Brown, "it will take money some time to live down its past. I must confess that I would rather associate with tainted money than be forced to abide by tainted laws, taint ed Judicial decisions, also to listen to the platitudes and hypocrisies of tainted pa triotism." "My friend Brown is an incorrigible radical," I said, turning to Washington, "and you xnuct not take his statements too seriously. I incline to tho conservative side of all questions, and therefore should be pleased to listen to your views. Gen eral Washington." I have neglected to explain that on the occasion of this visit these three Il lustrious shades seemed younger than when they first startled us by entering my room. I believe It the rule that one pictures the departed, be they relatives or famous characters, by their appear ance during their last days on this earth. Thus we people the hereafter with a large proportion of aged and infirm spir its. Whether or not we are justified in this assumption I do not know, and & consideration of It is foreign to a. record of these strange happenings, but I do know that the shades of Washington. Jefferson and Samuel Adams appeared to us in the semblance of thesjtaen as they were in the full prime and vigor of life. I cannot account for this, but, as has been said before, it is difficult to account for anything. Thus it was that the Washington who answered my question seemed the vigor ous, courageous yet cautious Washington who risked hi life and fortune in tht privileged to write 'him. notes. One ac tor the only one who ever answered paid them off very cleverly. He' sent a typewritten line, stating that he had turned their gracious communication over to his wife. who always attended to his correspondence for him That settled him with them. They sent him a comic valontlnc and .burned his pic tures. Yes. Indeed, I cannot be too grateful that the matinee season is over. I wonder why I was, ever born a chaperon? Or, if I was born a chaperon, what have I done that such a fate should be mine? But an Idea strikes me. Why not have a good, time myself while watching tho girls? I am not so aged and decrepit that I -couldn't enjoy myself If I had the chance. My mirror tells me that I still have some pretensions to look?. Besides, being & widow is greatly to a woman's advantage. Why not sail In and catch some respectable elderly beau this Sum mer? It wouldn't be worth while to try to cut out my-charges, which I am sure I could do easily enough! Their friends arc mere tadpoles and would bore me to extinction. But a good-hearted bachelor or a middle-aged widower would suit my purpose admirably. I might put In a very agreeable season myself, and If I had some one to keep, me company the chap eron business would not be so unbearable. It Is an Inspiration. I shall follow It up. What a surprise for the girls to see WTar of the Revolution, rather than the venerable patriot who spent his declining years in Mount Vernon. The shade of Jefferson was that ot the ambitious and aggressive man who relinquished diplo matic duties in France for the purpose of becoming Secretary of State, and of entering on a gigantic struggle with Alexander Hamilton. The Samuel Adams was the one who addressed the incipient revolutionists in Old South Church on the night when the tea was cast Into the Boston Bay, and not tho venerable patriot stricken with disease and sorrows. "Washington Xot Conservative. Possibly they spoke to us as they would have done In tho more virile years when they were conspicuous for action rather than for counsel. This Is a mere con jecture of mine, and Is suggested by the rather singular and aggressive answer made by Washington to my request for his views as a conservative. "I discern an inclination." he said, with some emphasis, "on the part of many ot your writers, speakers and mold era of public opinion to confuse con servatism with cowardice. They pay me the supposed compliment of extolling me as a conservative character, and with my words and acts as an alleged premise proceed to justify conditions, defend abuses and extenuate errors which would have bad my unhesitating condemnation. It the English language means now what it did then, the present generation Is taught to regard me as a worshiper of conventionalities, a cautious follower of precedent, a rcslster of Innovations, a stickler for all that called Itself law, a champion of material Interests, one who frowned at all undemonstrated theories, and wes the exaltation of the matter-of-fact, the practical to use your modern phrase, safe and sane. Such is tho pres ent political meaning of a 'conservative' In this country, and I resent the coupling of my name with that word." "I beg your pardon. General Washing ton." I exclaimed, amazed at his evident anger and uneasy under the stern glance of his eyes, "and plead as my excuse that I have been educated to 'mt you as a conservative." A Constructive Had leal. "After having read your school books and popular histories I can fully under stand how you have fallen Into such an error," he said in softened manner. "We "had a conservative class with us, and their active and passive opposition to in dependence dragged the war out to seven years Instead of less than, that number of seats. We called them Tories. ThcyJ the griffin sitting out dances with a beam ing smile on her face and urging them to stay a little longer! Then of disappear ing herself Into dark corners and get ting lost behind tall ahrub3 in conserva tories! It would be a-fine turning of tables, and I can picture their amazement. Their giggles might be stilled for once. I have heard of chaperons doing such things before now. Maud bad a friend. Janet Somebody, who fairly doted on her chaperon and begged to have her with her on all occasions. Then it turned out that the chaperon had a best young man of her own and disappeared with him regularly the moment the girl took her eye off her. never showing up until the band played "Home, Sweet Home." On yachting parties it was the girl who was ill and the chaperon had all the men aboard about her, entertaining them with lively stories and banjo playing. The blight of chaperonage never fell upon her, and she thought it the most delightful occupation in the world. But she lost her profes sion, for she eloped with the fiance of her protege and has done no chaperoning since. Why shouldn't I follow her example? It is certainly better than the dismal life I've been leading. I will fit myself out with Summer girl frocks and picture hats and touch up my face a little which is perfectly permissi ble nowadays and shall be' the giddiest were In favor of the British monarchy because It had been established before they were born. They admitted that abuses existed, but urged that they be tolerated for fear that an attempt at re dress might bring personal financial loss. They boasted of jthelr birth, their wealth and of their contempt for the common people. They dreaded any extension of popular rights, they clamored for a strong government, they wished to let well enough alone to quote one of your modern expressions, they wished to 'stand pat.' Though possessed of con siderable property I had not the slight est sympathy with that class. Was it conservative to become the Commanding General In a rebellion against the oldest and most powerful government on earth? Was It conservative to assist in the founding of a Constitution established on new and radical lines? Waa it consorva experimental Republic? Was It conserva tive to form a Cabinet composed of the most radical and ambitious men of the Nation. There can be only one answer to these questions. I hope that I am entitled to a small place In history; but If I am accorded it It will be as a con structive radical, not as a conservative. So far as I can judge, the roll of fame contains the name of no conservative." The Church and Tainted Money. "We have been much amused at the modern estimate which classes the rebel Washington as the prototype of your tim id and wealthy conservative," remarked Jefferson, "but I must remind the gen eral that he has not yet granted Mr. Smith's request for his views on the subject of tainted money." "If the moral and religious elements of your people are ready to -place a ban on dishonest wealth, you aro on the eve of momentous events and vital changes," Washington said after a moment's re flection. "History proves that tho church Is slow to revolt against established abuses, but when once aroused no wrong can stand against it. In our day the church, stood by Great Britain until the last moment, and then threw its pow erful Influence on the side of liberty. For more than half & century the church lifted no voice against slavery, but when the issue was ripe the-, pulpit led the Intellectual and moral revolt which doomed it to overthrow. Since that time a new despotism has arisen. During Its growth the church has remained silent. Respectable wealth, organized wealth, contaminated wealth and dishonest wealth all proclaim sanctity and an alliance with the church. The church has said nothing, but it has not openly repudiated some of Its alleged allies. As a. conse quence Its Influence with the masses has waned. There Is a. rising popular tie against corruption, and unless I am mis taken tho church will repudiate the wealthy hypocrites who have tainted it by their association. Tho great Issue of your immediate future will be that ot honesty, and tho church must declare It self for or against it. Experience proves that It will be on the right side, and X feel that it Is about to declare Its posi tion." j "If the clergymen of sosw ckurcasc I, A chaperon imaginable. The girls them selves "won't be giddier. They may even take -a' leaf out of my book. So good bye to tho drudgery of chaperoning. I believe I was considered something of a flirt In my young days. I shall brush up the art and If I dox't make those giggling girls sit up! They, won't get the back seat ahead of me, and as for the rocks other people know where to find cozy corners as well as they. If they think they are going to monopo lize the moonlight they are mistaken. I propose to have my rightful share of It on a sequestered corner of the porch and an occasional glance In their direction is about all I can waste on them. With agreeable company under my um can mention," began Brown, "declare against accepting contributions of 'taint ed money they will go without salaries until they get new congregations. Their pews are filled with men who have com mitted perjury in order that they may evado paying their fair share of taxes, men who have connived at the bribing ot Aldermen and Legislatures, men who "have floated worthless stock issues, and others who have broken written and moral laws for the sake ot piling up money. There is not one man of great wealth in a hundred who can honestly plead not guilty to an Indictment which taints his money. They draw dividends from stolen franchises, they benefit from purchased tariff rates, they have con tributed to political corruption funds, and then proffer their winnings or their stealings to churches, charities and col leges. For every Rockefeller there aro ten thousand frantic collectors of tainted money." "You take too gloomy a view of things, Mr. Brown," said Samuel Adams. "Let us admit that all you say is true, and then see it the case is hopeless. There is no doubt that the average man evades bis taxes If he can, and as a rule he does not hesitate to commit perjury. This is not because this average man Is Inherently dishonest. Your laws and your Institu tions have encouraged dishonesty until It has become not only inevitable, but popular and fashionable. Unless a- capi talist or a merchant hides his property or makes false returns his income is se riously crippled. He cannot aord to bo honest. If he desires the passage of a perfectly fair law at the hands of the Legislature or his Board of Aldermen he must pay for it. For more than half a century you have fostered dishonesty un til it baa permeated every institution in your country. Business, commerce, manu facturing, trade unionism, politics and even religion have become games in which it Is deemed fair to cheat. The Average Citizen Honest. "But I firmly believe that moat of the participants in these games would rather change the rules and play fair. If present conditions are to continue the churches may an well close their doors- for all the .good they can do. You do not even make a. pretense of punishing offenders against your written laws. Perjured tax-dodgers never dream of being called to account. Corporations appropriate money for the purposes of bribery, enter it upon their books and openly distribute it to legis lators who have bribed voters for the chance to accept such plunder. Bat bear In mind that those engaged in these crimes; constitute only a small proportion of your people. Your average citizen is honest. Your" "In most instances the, average citizen has no chance to be dishonest," inter rupted Brown. "It makes no difference whether be is honest from choice or from lack of oppor tunity to be otherwise," responded Sam uel Adams. "If naturally honest he is justly indignant at the abuses of which he is the constant victim. If he be hon est from lack of opportunity he is ready to rebl against a system. In which he is A brella they may swim to Spain if they like. I am only engaged by their moth era, to sit on the beach and have an eye to them and my eye surely isn't expected to reach to Spain. There Is no telling what a chaperon may do when she sets out to do It. and her advantage is In not having any one. to chaperon her. I begin to see pleasure ahead of me in stead of martyrdom, and if I can't do better .work than those giggling, idiotic girls I am not the woman I take myself: for. I shall have the time of my life mark me so goodby forever to back seats and Ignominous corners! I shall Institute a new order and It shall be called the "Revolt of the Chaperon." hopelessly handicapped. But I firmly be lieve that the vast majority of people of your great middle clas3 aro instinctively honest. I believe that a large, percentage of those who have reaped the most bene fit from the reign of dishonesty are ready to move for its overthrow. I bellevo that it is natural for the civilized man to do the right thing rather than the wrong thing." Pursuit of the Dollar. "It has frequently been charged," ob' served Jefferson, "that the besetting sin ot the American people was their love for the almighty dollar. They have been pic tured as engaged in a wild .race for it, a scramble for Its possession, and a mania for its amassing. All races, all contests must have an end, and as I study this country, Its wealth and Its people I should say that the pursuit of the dollar is at its final stage. The dollar has been run down. It needs no compilation of statis tics to prove that an insignificant per centage of your people have gained pos session of an overwhelming percentage of your property. During all these years It has been possible to persuade the masses that despite a disparity in the holdings of wealth this was still a re public of equal opportunity. Tho boy was told that the dollar was still uncaught, and that he could enter the race with as good a chance as anybody. You find It difficult to make your boys believe that now. do you not?" "We teach it to them In our publio schools," said Brown, "but I find, that my boy does not believe it as Implicitly as I did." "If your churches and" your intelligent middle class begin a crusade against what has been termed 'tainted money, " con tinued Jefferson, "it- will be a declaration of revolt against the system which has piled up tho Rockefeller and other for tunes. It is the protest of the bankrupt player who finds hlmaelt unable to com pete against marked cards." "What good will his protest do so long as the other fellow holds the winnings?" asked Brown. "There have been instances, personal and national," smiled Jefferson, "where the unfair winner was compelled to dis gorge." Copyright. 1M5. McClure, Phil lips & Co. Two Cases Widely Different. Cleveland. Leader. "Why do you have your pew so near the church door?" , "In case of fire, you know, I could es cape easily." "Ah! And what's your Idea in always demanding a seat In the front row.at-th theater?" " Almost RecoBcIIeeL Philadelphia Ledger. Mrs, Jinks And how is that "Pretty young widow? Is she reconciled to "&r loss .yet? Mrs. CBull Well, 'she ain't exactly rec onciled yet. but they say she aas tke picked out. 1