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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (March 8, 1903)
THE SUHDAY OBEGONIAjN, POBTLAMJ, MAKCH 8, 1903. POPULAR WITH THE PEOPLE CO R DRAY'S THEATER ATTRACTIONS AT THE MARQUAM GRAND THEATER THIS WEEK MARQUAM GRAND THEATER ? JOHN F. CORD RAY, Manager MONDAY AND TUESDAY NIGHTS, MARCH 9 and 10 THE YOUNG ROMANTIC ACTOR S. MILLER KENT PRESENTING " NAT. C. GOODWIN'S GREAT SUCCESS nights COMMENCING THIS AFTERNOON FOUR rTg5 WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11 STA SPECIAL MATINEE, SATURDAY MATINEE AT 2:1 5 TONIGHT AT 8:15 LESLIE M0R0SC0 and LEILA SHAW NUT PRESENTING WILLIE COLLIER'S LAUGHING SUCCESS THE MAN FROM MEXICO BY H. A. DU SOUCHET AN ESTABLISHED LAUGHING SUCCESS FROM MAINE TO CALIFORNIA. JUST NATURALLY FUNNY. A CAST OF SUPERIOR MERIT MESSRS. ROWLAND AND CLIFFORD ' PRESENT THE YOUNG SINGING COMEDIAN THOS. J. SMITH IN THE NEW IRISH COMEDY DRAMA THE GAME KEEPER By Con T. Murphy BEAUTIFUL SCENIC PRODUCTION COMPANY OF UNUSUAL EXCEL LENCE. AN IDEAL PICTURE OF THE EMERALD ISLE PRICES-25 AND 50 CENTS. MATINEES 25 CENTS TO ANY PART OF HOUSE; CHILDREN 10 CENTS ADE'S FABLE IN SLANG OF THE NARROW ESCAPE OF ARTHUR AND THE SALVATION OF HERBERT NCE there was a lonely Man who Married, thinking that he would find a Home, but, instead of that, he ran into an Experiment Station. The other end of the Team was the orig inal Recipe Shark and Family Doctor. She was a bright, eagle-eyed Party with a high, throbblrig Forehead and she was always on the lookout for New Wrinkles. Any time that she picked up the Lady's Household Friend and read about a Cure for Chilblains she would cut out the Ar ticle with the Button-Hole Scissors and then for Days afterward she would be snooping around for a Case of Chilblains so that she could work on It. She had about 3000 of these Home Reme dies up her Sleeve and any time that Ar thur complained of the slightest Ache or Fain, she lit on him like a Bee on a Flower and started Jn with one of her fa mous Treatments. She loved these private Clinfcs, with Arthur strapped to the Operating Table. He had been blistered in so many different Places and handed so many kinds of Dope that he became Leery in time and always claimed to be feeling Immense, even though he did not think he would live through the Day. She had some awful Things rubbed up for him any time that he showed up with a Bad Cold. She would give him Vine gar Tea and a Lump of Sugar soaked, in Kerosene. Then she would parboil his Feet and hand liim a few Onion Poultices and put liim to Bed with all the Covers over him, and let him lie there and Sozzle. Sometimes she almost drove him to Drink, but ho did not dare to drink very much for fear that she would give him some Secret Cure in his Coffee, and thereby rob hlra of a Thirst which he prized very highly. The Missus was a firm Believer in all these How-To Film-Flams that run in the Monthly Magazines. How to Beautify the Home without spending a Cent. How to live on 78 cents a week. How to become a Lady Sandow by ex ercising 3 Minutes every Day. How to lift a $2000 Mortgage on a Sal ary of $10 per Week. Usually, when he came Home, he found her draping an old Mother Hubbard over a Shoe Box so as to make a Hall Seat or else she had a Hot Poker and was burning High Art Designs on a Wooden Platter. Not one of the Fads got past Experimental Lizzie. She took a Fall out of every One. Sometimes when Arthur would come down to Breakfast ready to- punish a few Links of Farm Sausage, he would find in front of him a Bowl full of what looked a good deal like Asbestos Packing. "Is It to eat?" he asked, backing off. "The surest thing you know," was the reply. "It is Hokopoko, the new tasteless Brcakfastino, and it Is recommended by all the Dyspeptics and Physical Wrecks." "I don't want to get my dietary Hunches from the Death Chamber," said Arthur. "I should prefer to take my Tips from a good, husky Farm Hand." "But this hag 62 per cent of Nlrto-Glu-tine, and one Tablespoonful contains the same Nourishment that may be found In IS Pounds of Sirloin Steak." "Say. why don't you buy a good, strong Dog and try these Things on him?" asked Arthur. "I refuse to take any more of this Chop-Feed. If you want to get it into tne. you'll have to give me Gas and then Inject into my Arm." So she said she would Compromise by letting him have some Cereal Sausage. It looked just the, same as Sausage and you could not tell the difference until you started to Eat It. What with the Health Underwear, the Electric Belts, the Pillows stuffed with Pine Cones, eta, etc, etc., Arthur wag constantly reminded, of the Fact that he was being used for experimental Purposes. He did not enjoy a real Let-Up until little Herbert arrived. When Herbert was 3 Days old. Mama began to read Books on the Child Mind. Within a Month she had little Herby propped up In the Crib doing Kindergarten Stunts with two or three Old Maids off on the Side Lines coaching to beat the Band. Arthur would butt in occasionally and try to protect his helpless Offspring and then he would get a hard Call-Down. The Missus had a large Scrap-Book full of Helpful Hints to Amateur Mothers. , She started in at Page 1 and gave Heri bert the whole Works. Whenever any one who knew all about the Care of Children brought her a new Preparation she either fed it to little Herby or else rubbed it on his Back. Arthur had the old-fashioned Notion that all a Kid needed was a Milk Diet and something Rubber on .which to chew, but the Chief of the Experiment Station had a lot of Club Theories to. be tested, and she was working on little Herbert every Minute. This made It Fine for Father, because he could .shake his Electric Belt and get some real Food by fixing It with the Hired Girl, but It was a fierce Lay-but for little Herbert. Herbert never had a Chance to sneak out to the Club and tell his Troubles and- get a. lot of Sympathy. Herbert had to stay right there In the House and let the Mothers' Club practice on him. "He's a Wonder," said Arthur to his Friends at the Club. "If he lives through it, he'll make a grand Football Player some Day." When Herbert was 6 year of Age, the Scientific Mother had him reading Pliss Carman. Father tried to slip him Mother Goose on the quiet, but was headed off. Still Arthur was not discouraged. "There Is alwaya one Hope for the Boy who Is brought up according to League Rules," said the Father. "Walt until, he gets into the Public School and he will get wise to a few Thlngg and prob ably flash a few unexpected Developments on Mother Dear.1' Sure enough, when Teacher wrote a Note and said that Angel had shied a Brick-at a Teamster andtfurtherinore had licked the inoffensive Son of a poor Hod Carrier, the Experimental Mother threw a Back-Twister and wondered why the Club System had failed to work out. Moral: As the Father Is Bent, the Child Is Inclined. (Copyright, 1903.) An Exchange of Compliments. San Francisco News-Letter. Perhaps the most delicate way of re ferring to Germany's Crown Prince as one of the tribe of Baal, was resorted to by an American girl recently traveling on 'the Continent. It was during the Em peror's regatta that Miss Bernice Wil lard, a Philadelphia girl, was Introduced to the Crown Prince at a dinner on the water. They were all sitting on deck, the gentlemen smoking, when a whiff of 'the smoke from the Prince's cigarette blew Into the lady's face. "Smoke withers flowers," remarked a Lieutenant across the way. "It is no flower,", remarked the Prince jocularly, "It Is a thistle." Miss Wlllard raised her eyes a trifle. "In that case," she said, "I had best retire hurriedly or I shall be devoured" The party saw the point; the Prince was discomfited. I, I A mm BIER STOCK THF RAKFR theater A JL JL .Mi J JLJf -X M JL 3L M J JL V GEO. l. baker, manager. The Fashionable Popular-Price Theater of Portland. BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT LWEEK COMMENCING SUNDAY MATINEE DAY. 1 THE INCOMPARABLE MPT Will Present Haddon Chambers Great Play Captain Swift if THE BAKER PRICES NEVER CHANGE ivcmug iol, oc, 03C ow. mauuee iuc, iou, ou, NEXT WEEK STARTING WITH THE USUAL SUNDAY MATINEE MAR. IS CHRISTOPHER, JR. BY XAUELIXE LTICETTE RYliEY. The Cow and the L NEW YORK HERAXiT Brim ful of fun. "well worth seeing. As clever a border comedy as we have bad bere in some time. 2iKW YORK SDN Scores a success! Sprightly, fresh and full of fun. Mr. Fitch has never written r. play which contained more spontaneous laughs. A distinct success. boy ady WITH THE ENTIRE ORIGINAL NEW YORK KNICKERBOCKER THEATER PRODUCTION EVENING TELEGRAM The success of "The Cowboy and the Lady" is indisputable'. FRANK LESS LIE'S "WEEKLY The play is bound to be a lasting success. HOME JOURNAL The Immedi ate popular and pecunlary success of this play is not to be doubted. PRICES Entire Parquette, $1.50; Entire Parquette Circle, $1.00; Balcony, first six rows, 75c: last six rows, 50c; Gallery, 35c and 25c; Boxes and Loges, $10.00. , Seats are now selling. MARQUAM GRAND THEATER Calvin Helllg Manager THE SEASON'S DRAMATIC EVENT THURSDAY NIGHT, MARCH 12 America's Foremost Legitimate Actor - MR. CHARLES B. HANF Accompanied by Miss Marie Drofnah and a superb com pany in Shakespeare's prettiest and wittiest comedy MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING The most -magnificently mounted, gorgeously costumed and perfectly cast Shajcesperean production on tour. PRICES Parquette. $LE0. Parquette circle. $1-00. Balcony, first 6 rows. 75c; last 6 rows, 50c Gallery, 35c and 25c. Boxes and loges, $10.00. The ad vance sale of seats -will open next Tuesday morning at 10 o'clock. MARQUAM GRAND THEATER : FRIDAY EVENING, MARCH 13 ' SATURDAY MATINEE, MARCH 14 ELABORATE SPECTACULAR PRODUCTION OF MR. J. IN. BEGGS' ORIGINAL ORIENTAL Personally staged and directed by Mr. Beggs Under the auspices of the Board of Managers of the Patton Home for Old Ladies, for the benefit of the Home Maintenance Fund. 300 Public School Children and Young Ladies in a Kaleidoscopic . Medley of Dancing and Choral Singing - , Chorus of 150 Trained Voices Under direction of Mr. T. M. Lighter Beautiful Costumes, Electrical Effects and Augmented Orchestra PRICES BOTH MATINEE AND EVENING Lower Floor, except last 3 rows, $1.00, last 3 rows, 75c; Balcony, first 6 rows, 75c, last 6 rows, 50c; Gallery, 35c and 25c; Boxes and Loges, $7.50. Tickets for sale by the participants, at the principal down-town stores, and the Marquam Grand Theater Boxoffice. Reserved seats may be had, and tickets bought outside exchanged at the Boxoffice of the Marquam Grand Theater next Wednesday morning at 10 o'clock for both performances. MARQUAM GRAND THEATER c&' COMING Kirke La Shelle Presents America's Greatest Play ARIZONA By Augustus Thomas' Metropolitan Company and Production Intact. Ireland. Advancing?. Cleveland Xeader. K good deal ol evidence Indicates that conditions in Ireland are improving de cidedly. Tho land question grows less dangerous to public order and the general welfare, and Irish Industries are gaining in some directions. The more such changes take place the better Americans will be pleased. According to Dr. Saudran. of Paris, the least injurious alcoholic drinks are cider and beer; while the most Injurious U eau de cologae, which wrecks the health or icany women. (istiileti(tita9t9aceeiaitestt j GRAND PURIM j j Masquerade Bali i J Given by the Jedsh Ladies' Endeavor Society at A. O. U. W. Hall, 2 Thursday Evening, March 12, 1903. Prizes will be awarded. ' Admission 25c, Masquers 50c. .
