THE SUHDAY OBEGONIAjN, POBTLAMJ, MAKCH 8, 1903.
POPULAR WITH THE PEOPLE
CO R DRAY'S THEATER
ATTRACTIONS AT THE MARQUAM GRAND THEATER THIS WEEK
MARQUAM GRAND THEATER ?
JOHN F. CORD RAY, Manager
MONDAY AND TUESDAY NIGHTS, MARCH 9 and 10
THE YOUNG ROMANTIC ACTOR
S. MILLER KENT
PRESENTING "
NAT. C. GOODWIN'S GREAT SUCCESS
nights COMMENCING THIS AFTERNOON
FOUR
rTg5 WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11
STA
SPECIAL MATINEE, SATURDAY
MATINEE
AT 2:1 5
TONIGHT
AT 8:15
LESLIE M0R0SC0 and LEILA SHAW
NUT
PRESENTING WILLIE COLLIER'S LAUGHING SUCCESS
THE
MAN FROM MEXICO
BY H. A. DU SOUCHET
AN ESTABLISHED LAUGHING SUCCESS FROM
MAINE TO CALIFORNIA. JUST NATURALLY
FUNNY. A CAST OF SUPERIOR MERIT
MESSRS. ROWLAND AND CLIFFORD '
PRESENT THE YOUNG SINGING
COMEDIAN
THOS. J. SMITH
IN THE NEW IRISH COMEDY
DRAMA
THE
GAME
KEEPER
By Con T. Murphy
BEAUTIFUL SCENIC PRODUCTION
COMPANY OF UNUSUAL EXCEL
LENCE. AN IDEAL PICTURE OF
THE EMERALD ISLE
PRICES-25 AND 50 CENTS. MATINEES 25 CENTS TO ANY PART OF HOUSE; CHILDREN 10 CENTS
ADE'S FABLE IN SLANG
OF THE NARROW ESCAPE OF ARTHUR AND THE
SALVATION OF HERBERT
NCE there was a lonely Man who
Married, thinking that he would find
a Home, but, instead of that, he ran
into an Experiment Station.
The other end of the Team was the orig
inal Recipe Shark and Family Doctor.
She was a bright, eagle-eyed Party with
a high, throbblrig Forehead and she was
always on the lookout for New Wrinkles.
Any time that she picked up the Lady's
Household Friend and read about a Cure
for Chilblains she would cut out the Ar
ticle with the Button-Hole Scissors and
then for Days afterward she would be
snooping around for a Case of Chilblains
so that she could work on It.
She had about 3000 of these Home Reme
dies up her Sleeve and any time that Ar
thur complained of the slightest Ache or
Fain, she lit on him like a Bee on a
Flower and started Jn with one of her fa
mous Treatments.
She loved these private Clinfcs, with
Arthur strapped to the Operating Table.
He had been blistered in so many different
Places and handed so many kinds of
Dope that he became Leery in time and
always claimed to be feeling Immense,
even though he did not think he would
live through the Day.
She had some awful Things rubbed up
for him any time that he showed up with
a Bad Cold. She would give him Vine
gar Tea and a Lump of Sugar soaked, in
Kerosene. Then she would parboil his
Feet and hand liim a few Onion Poultices
and put liim to Bed with all the Covers
over him, and let him lie there and
Sozzle.
Sometimes she almost drove him to
Drink, but ho did not dare to drink
very much for fear that she would give
him some Secret Cure in his Coffee, and
thereby rob hlra of a Thirst which he
prized very highly.
The Missus was a firm Believer in all
these How-To Film-Flams that run in
the Monthly Magazines.
How to Beautify the Home without
spending a Cent.
How to live on 78 cents a week.
How to become a Lady Sandow by ex
ercising 3 Minutes every Day.
How to lift a $2000 Mortgage on a Sal
ary of $10 per Week.
Usually, when he came Home, he found
her draping an old Mother Hubbard over
a Shoe Box so as to make a Hall Seat
or else she had a Hot Poker and was
burning High Art Designs on a Wooden
Platter. Not one of the Fads got past
Experimental Lizzie. She took a Fall out
of every One.
Sometimes when Arthur would come
down to Breakfast ready to- punish a few
Links of Farm Sausage, he would find in
front of him a Bowl full of what looked
a good deal like Asbestos Packing.
"Is It to eat?" he asked, backing off.
"The surest thing you know," was the
reply. "It is Hokopoko, the new tasteless
Brcakfastino, and it Is recommended by
all the Dyspeptics and Physical Wrecks."
"I don't want to get my dietary Hunches
from the Death Chamber," said Arthur. "I
should prefer to take my Tips from a
good, husky Farm Hand."
"But this hag 62 per cent of Nlrto-Glu-tine,
and one Tablespoonful contains the
same Nourishment that may be found In
IS Pounds of Sirloin Steak."
"Say. why don't you buy a good, strong
Dog and try these Things on him?" asked
Arthur. "I refuse to take any more of
this Chop-Feed. If you want to get it into
tne. you'll have to give me Gas and then
Inject into my Arm."
So she said she would Compromise by
letting him have some Cereal Sausage.
It looked just the, same as Sausage and
you could not tell the difference until you
started to Eat It.
What with the Health Underwear, the
Electric Belts, the Pillows stuffed with
Pine Cones, eta, etc, etc., Arthur wag
constantly reminded, of the Fact that he
was being used for experimental Purposes.
He did not enjoy a real Let-Up until
little Herbert arrived. When Herbert was
3 Days old. Mama began to read Books
on the Child Mind. Within a Month she
had little Herby propped up In the Crib
doing Kindergarten Stunts with two or
three Old Maids off on the Side Lines
coaching to beat the Band.
Arthur would butt in occasionally and try
to protect his helpless Offspring and then
he would get a hard Call-Down. The
Missus had a large Scrap-Book full of
Helpful Hints to Amateur Mothers. ,
She started in at Page 1 and gave Heri
bert the whole Works. Whenever any one
who knew all about the Care of Children
brought her a new Preparation she either
fed it to little Herby or else rubbed it
on his Back.
Arthur had the old-fashioned Notion
that all a Kid needed was a Milk Diet and
something Rubber on .which to chew, but
the Chief of the Experiment Station had
a lot of Club Theories to. be tested, and
she was working on little Herbert every
Minute.
This made It Fine for Father, because
he could .shake his Electric Belt and get
some real Food by fixing It with the Hired
Girl, but It was a fierce Lay-but for
little Herbert. Herbert never had a
Chance to sneak out to the Club and tell
his Troubles and- get a. lot of Sympathy.
Herbert had to stay right there In the
House and let the Mothers' Club practice
on him.
"He's a Wonder," said Arthur to his
Friends at the Club. "If he lives through
it, he'll make a grand Football Player
some Day."
When Herbert was 6 year of Age, the
Scientific Mother had him reading Pliss
Carman. Father tried to slip him Mother
Goose on the quiet, but was headed off.
Still Arthur was not discouraged.
"There Is alwaya one Hope for the
Boy who Is brought up according to
League Rules," said the Father. "Walt
until, he gets into the Public School and
he will get wise to a few Thlngg and prob
ably flash a few unexpected Developments
on Mother Dear.1'
Sure enough, when Teacher wrote a
Note and said that Angel had shied a
Brick-at a Teamster andtfurtherinore had
licked the inoffensive Son of a poor Hod
Carrier, the Experimental Mother threw
a Back-Twister and wondered why the
Club System had failed to work out.
Moral: As the Father Is Bent, the Child
Is Inclined.
(Copyright, 1903.)
An Exchange of Compliments.
San Francisco News-Letter.
Perhaps the most delicate way of re
ferring to Germany's Crown Prince as
one of the tribe of Baal, was resorted to
by an American girl recently traveling on
'the Continent. It was during the Em
peror's regatta that Miss Bernice Wil
lard, a Philadelphia girl, was Introduced
to the Crown Prince at a dinner on the
water. They were all sitting on deck, the
gentlemen smoking, when a whiff of 'the
smoke from the Prince's cigarette blew
Into the lady's face.
"Smoke withers flowers," remarked a
Lieutenant across the way.
"It is no flower,", remarked the Prince
jocularly, "It Is a thistle."
Miss Wlllard raised her eyes a trifle. "In
that case," she said, "I had best retire
hurriedly or I shall be devoured"
The party saw the point; the Prince was
discomfited.
I, I A mm BIER STOCK
THF RAKFR theater
A JL JL .Mi J JLJf -X M JL 3L M J JL V GEO. l. baker, manager.
The Fashionable Popular-Price Theater of Portland.
BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT
LWEEK
COMMENCING
SUNDAY
MATINEE
DAY.
1
THE INCOMPARABLE
MPT
Will Present Haddon Chambers Great Play
Captain
Swift
if THE BAKER PRICES NEVER CHANGE
ivcmug iol, oc, 03C ow. mauuee iuc, iou, ou,
NEXT WEEK
STARTING WITH THE USUAL SUNDAY MATINEE MAR. IS
CHRISTOPHER, JR.
BY XAUELIXE LTICETTE RYliEY.
The Cow
and the L
NEW YORK HERAXiT Brim
ful of fun. "well worth seeing.
As clever a border comedy as
we have bad bere in some time.
2iKW YORK SDN Scores a
success! Sprightly, fresh and
full of fun. Mr. Fitch has
never written r. play which
contained more spontaneous
laughs. A distinct success.
boy
ady
WITH THE ENTIRE
ORIGINAL NEW YORK
KNICKERBOCKER
THEATER
PRODUCTION
EVENING TELEGRAM The
success of "The Cowboy and
the Lady" is indisputable'.
FRANK LESS LIE'S "WEEKLY
The play is bound to be a
lasting success.
HOME JOURNAL The Immedi
ate popular and pecunlary
success of this play is not to
be doubted.
PRICES Entire Parquette, $1.50; Entire Parquette Circle, $1.00; Balcony, first six rows, 75c: last
six rows, 50c; Gallery, 35c and 25c; Boxes and Loges, $10.00. , Seats are now selling.
MARQUAM GRAND THEATER
Calvin Helllg
Manager
THE SEASON'S DRAMATIC EVENT
THURSDAY NIGHT, MARCH 12
America's Foremost Legitimate Actor -
MR. CHARLES B.
HANF
Accompanied by Miss Marie Drofnah and a superb com
pany in Shakespeare's prettiest and wittiest comedy
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
The most -magnificently mounted, gorgeously costumed and perfectly
cast Shajcesperean production on tour.
PRICES Parquette. $LE0. Parquette circle. $1-00. Balcony, first 6 rows.
75c; last 6 rows, 50c Gallery, 35c and 25c. Boxes and loges, $10.00. The ad
vance sale of seats -will open next Tuesday morning at 10 o'clock.
MARQUAM GRAND THEATER
: FRIDAY EVENING, MARCH 13
' SATURDAY MATINEE, MARCH 14
ELABORATE SPECTACULAR PRODUCTION
OF
MR. J. IN. BEGGS' ORIGINAL
ORIENTAL
Personally staged and directed by Mr. Beggs Under the auspices of the Board of Managers of the
Patton Home for Old Ladies, for the benefit of the Home Maintenance Fund.
300 Public School Children and
Young Ladies in a Kaleidoscopic
. Medley of Dancing and
Choral Singing
- , Chorus of 150
Trained Voices
Under direction of Mr. T. M. Lighter
Beautiful Costumes, Electrical Effects
and Augmented Orchestra
PRICES BOTH MATINEE AND EVENING Lower Floor, except last 3 rows, $1.00, last 3 rows,
75c; Balcony, first 6 rows, 75c, last 6 rows, 50c; Gallery, 35c and 25c; Boxes and Loges, $7.50.
Tickets for sale by the participants, at the principal down-town stores, and the Marquam Grand
Theater Boxoffice. Reserved seats may be had, and tickets bought outside exchanged at the Boxoffice
of the Marquam Grand Theater next Wednesday morning at 10 o'clock for both performances.
MARQUAM GRAND THEATER c&'
COMING
Kirke
La Shelle
Presents
America's
Greatest
Play
ARIZONA
By Augustus Thomas' Metropolitan
Company and Production Intact.
Ireland. Advancing?.
Cleveland Xeader.
K good deal ol evidence Indicates that
conditions in Ireland are improving de
cidedly. Tho land question grows less
dangerous to public order and the general
welfare, and Irish Industries are gaining
in some directions. The more such
changes take place the better Americans
will be pleased.
According to Dr. Saudran. of Paris, the least
injurious alcoholic drinks are cider and beer;
while the most Injurious U eau de cologae,
which wrecks the health or icany women.
(istiileti(tita9t9aceeiaitestt
j GRAND PURIM j
j Masquerade Bali i
J Given by the Jedsh Ladies' Endeavor Society at A. O. U. W. Hall, 2
Thursday Evening, March 12, 1903. Prizes will be awarded.
' Admission 25c, Masquers 50c.
.