The Sunday Oregonian., May 06, 1900, PART THREE, Page 29, Image 29

THE SUNDAY OREGONTAN, PORTLAND', MAT 6, 1900.
20
'Go Hen Yohne'f a. Bit."
Sua comes la de mo'nln.
I s gotter flop my sleep;
He hurries on to noontime
An' de pace I tries to keep.
Gallops on to night-time
An leaves me feelin' blue
About de money dat I needs
An work I didn't do.
I reckon I'd git slanted
In rurty decent style
El ol Sun would be good-natured
An Jes' wait a little while.
But ho travels on so hasty
Like he had to ketch a train
Dat I never overtakes 'im.
Though I tries an' tries again.
So I's glad to see de blackness
Dat is coinln un de skv.
i
Kow. Jllstuh Sun. I's hopln'
You'll b peaceful by an h-
by.
uo res- yonsrr a little.
I's tired as I kin be:
Go tumble in de cloud-bank
An let up yoh chasln' me.
Washington Star.
OCTIONS AT DUFFY WAKE
the Corpse Had Only Stayed Dead
III IVould Have Gone Well, But
It Warn Very Much Alive.
11 see by the papers that the case of
len Duffy against the city le comla'
tomorrow," said Rafferty.
I'D'ye tell me go?" replied Madden, -with
erest. "And wliat's the matter wld
lien?"
'Oh, she has a claim agin the city for
gleet o duty o public officers and for
i in money. 12 dresses, six Dltticoats and
le pairs o shoes taken from her olo&et
Bile she -was In the hospital Jasht "Winter
Id the rtieumatlz."
I'Faith. I knew she was sick, hut this la
lust time I heard armytMnsT the loss
her money and clothes. Make no bonm
out It, Rafferty, but tell me all about
'Well," resumed Rafferty, "you know
-t Ellen is an ould maid, mighty careful
her money, and she lived on the top
r back of a tinement In Nineteenth
where she had two as cozy rooms
ye'U find amrywhere. Her cousin Katie
iffy -went to see her one evenln and
found Ellen In bed eick wld rneu-
Iitiz and no -wan to take care of her.
itde became frightened, and -what did
do but had the drug store man on the
ier ring for an amb' lance and they took
Ellen to Che hospital. Ellen -was that
Irk that Katie thought she -would never
It well, and so she left her name and
ress at the hospital in caae annythlnjr
le death might happen to Ellen.
Ellen Dies.
f Well, she -was in the hospital about a
ek -whin wan o thlm orderlies came
fwnstalrs wan day and told the clerk
vt Ellon Duffy was dead. What did the
kk do but slnt a postal card to Katie,
ydn that her cousin was gone to heaven.
then Katie got the tears out of her
bs she slnds word to the undertaker to
afther Ellen's body, and thin she goes
to find Ellen's friends and relatives
make ready for Che wake. At 10 o'clock
i.t night they all met, twlnty o thlm.
the late lamonted's rooms, as they say
the church service, to make what
hie preparations were necessary to put
r ir.ien to sleep wid a shovel."
fThat must have foeen a very mournful
tln'," sold Madden.
"Well, no. not so mournful as you might
LnX said Rafferty. "They found a
ait o' hardware In the closet and by
time the bottle had gone around twice
by were all wishln' Ellen a safe Journey
jugn. purgatory, and there was ne'er a
st eye In the place nor a dry throat."
' Tis noiKilnse. this cryln' annyway."
errupted Madden.
fAnd what's more." resumed Raffertv.
hey found half a sugar-cured ham and
ne crackers, and before ye'd be 'winkin'
lice they had the kettle s-ingln' on tho
ve and everything as Jolly as If 'twas
eddin' and not a wake they were gettln'
ay for. when the ham and crackers
Inp gone and the whisky was slnt where
-duld do tho most good they started
Inmagin around the place in the way
ZGii have. They brought out all her
Isscs and laid them on the table. There
a dozen o' thlm. Madden, fine enough
army leddy. Katie picked up wan o
Im wid bows all over It, and she says,
l-s she:
Provident Katie.
(.'Of course, girle, yo are all sorry that
bn Is gone heaven rest her soul! but
i can't wear any o' these pretty things
Larever she is. I'm thlnkln' she's look-
ilown from above in glory where she
thlnkin' that this dress would look
111 on me. What d'ye say, girls?" "
jUsha, If Ellen heard that remark she'd
Ivo heaven to kill Katie. Sure she had
temper that ud melt iron" said Mad-
ll'm thlnkin' you knew her. Madden."
Burned Rafferty. "Of course all the
Imcn agreed wid Katie, and when they
through sharln' the clothes there were
enough rags left in the house to cover
ttln hen. Little Mary Duffy, a fourth
KBln o" the dead woman, picked up a
tltcont lined with red silk, and says she:
sure shes In Paradise: but If she
had the bad luck to get In the other
Ice, I'm sure she won't need this,' and
In they all laughed. They took her
yes, her stockings, her bonnets, the
Itures off the wall; but there was a
vU of a fight over Ellen's watch. At
clock In the mornln one o' them found
bank books In the bottom of a trunic
a canvas bag with $250 In gold In it.
ro was a great ruction when the money
rcuno. The sight o' gold made them
jcrazy. There would have been murther
In, cn.y Katie made a motion that they
luld spend the money on a banquet in
dead woman s rooms, and give her a
lent send-off wld fizz wather and bo-
Is and finger bowls and all of them
igs d ye mind. Madden?
The Dnffy Spread.
the next mornln' a committee o' the
fys, rumbcrln seven, went to an ille-
Lt degracious eatin house and they or-
fd a dinner to be sent around to El-
rooms far 50 Duffys, at J6 a plate and
extra. They had a icano h'Isted in
windy and carpet on the stairs, a
elabrum that looked like a house on
cas hunsr over the table. While they
HUMOR ' Sjapi
ate partridge and quail on toast wid na
gurs to wait on them a dinky, little
Dootchmen was playin the piano. They
washed their Ice cream down wld fizz
wather, and what they didn't spill thej
drank. And when they got down to the
coffee tho door opened and in stepped a
little red-headed woman In waterproof
wld an umbrella In her hand.
T11 bet It was Ellen," exclaimed Mad
den. "You'se right," said Rafferty: "'twas
Ellen Tlz from the dead, only she was
never dead at all, bekose it was another
Ellen Duffy that died In the hospital.
When Ellen came In there was the dewtj
to pay. A howl went up that 'twas a
ghost they saw. and half o' the women
crawled under the table. But Ellen went
through the place like the big wind In Ire.
land. She whacked the ould umbrella
down on the table, and every whack cost
her $10, bekose the glasses and bottleswent
dancin' Jigs. She chased every wan ot
her relatives down the stairs, and pelted
them wld bottles from the windy when
they came out on the sidewalk. They had
to lock her up for fear she'd commit mur
ther." "But what is she suing the city for?"
asked Madden.
"Bekase she says 'twas the hospital
clerk's fault sendln' word of her death,
and she's got 25 relatives to prove it."
New Tork Sun.
AUNT M'RrS CALF.
How the Elder Lost Caste With, the
Maine Widow.
Regularly every Sunday forenoon on his
way to service the minister called for
Aunt M'rl' Stevens. Aunt M'ri is a poor,
lone widow, and if the minister did not
call to take her along in his team it Is to
be feared that the poor old woman would
not have heard his sermons very often.
And in this Spring "golng"-rslump and
snow, why. what could Aunt M'ri have
done without the genial assistance of tha
minister? And how she did spread bis
praises.
And to think that this had to happen 1
"Land sakes, ye're airly; ain't ye. el
der?" she called out of the door when he
drove up to the gate t'other Sunday. "1
haven't got all my chores done yet. 1
haven't got my dress changed or north
In'. I guess ye'd better go right along
without me" but there was a note or
Tegret in her flustrated tones.
The minister climbed out and hitched his
horse. He came Into the house where th
old lady was bustling about.
"What have you got to do, sister?" he
asked.
"About all the chores are done except
feedln' the caff," said she. "His vlttlta
are mixed, but I haven't had time to go
out and tend to him. I weaned him las'
week, and he's a master sight of bother.
I'm goln to veal him, but the butcher
won't be 'round till week after next."
"You go right ahead. Sister Stevens, and
change your dress, and I'll go out and feed
the calf. I was brought up on a farm,
you know."
"Massy me, elder, I couldn't think ot
lettin' you do such a thing. It's turrible
gormln piece of work. And here you art
all In your meetln best."
"Sister Stevens, we are here on earth to
hejp each other. The best way I can
start in my Sunday Is to help you by
feedln that calf. Where is the pail?"
Feed the Calf.
So the elder took the pall and trotted
out to the barn, where a hungry calf was
already calling for breakfast with lusty
baritone. When he saw the minister
coming he lowered his head and com
menced to butt his fuzzy frontlet against
the bars of his stall m an ecstacy of an
ticipation. "Steady now, steady now, you hand
some little feller," said the minister,
soothingly, as he stepped over Into the
pen. "Steady, now,"
And then, with the skirts of his shiny
black frock coat gathered between hia
knees, he poured the warm skim milk
into the trough.
Now there are ways of feeding a calf
so that he will not do the thing that this
calf then proceeded to do. No matter
what the aforesaid ways are. I say this
simply so that the calf may be excul
pated. He simply acted according to his
lights. As soon as the elder poured the
trough full of milk the calf rammed his
nose clean to the bottom. The milk was
up to his eyes. Through nose and mouth,
with one great gulp, he took In all he
could swoop. It shut off his breath. He
choked. Ho yanked his head out of the
trough and with a whoof Hko the bellow
from the exhaust pipe of a steam mill he
blew.
The elder was right in front of him.
After the explosion he looked as though
he had been standing in the middle of a
dairy kitchen when the cyclone struck it.
The rest of it Aunt Stevens has told so
many times to the horrified neighbors that
I will use her words:
"I heerd something of touse out in the
barn Jest as 1 was tying my bunnit
strings. The elder didn't come In as quick
as he ought to have done, and so I went
out there. Wal, I do hate dretful to tell ye
the rest. I wouldn't have believed It. not
if the best friend I had told me; no. sir,
that I wouldn't. And to think that Sun
day after Sunday I have rid to church
with that sheep In wolfs clothes! To
think how I have called him the salt of
the earth!
It "Was Awful.
"When I got in the barn there seemed to
be a turrible wrassle goln on in the caff
pen. I looked over in there. Oh, massy,
it was awful! There- stood Elder Smart
right straddle of that caff's neck. He
had the caff by the ears and plunk, plunk,
plunk! he was Jabbla his nose down into
that trough, and what do ye think he was
sayln' sayin right there on Sunday? It's
most too awful to repeat. Wal, sir, he
was sayin'. grlttln his teeth all the time,
he was sayln':
" 'Dod swelter yer dod rotted pelt, ye
want to drink, milk, do ye? Wal, dod
baste ye. drink, drink, I say.'
" 'Elder, elder, says I.
" GIt away from there.' says he, 'or
111 hold this brlndle offshoot of tophet by
the ears and beat your brains out. He'll
drink this milk now before I leave him or
I'll drive his nose clan up into the bad:
of his neck.'
"And do you know I had to take the
pitchfork and run the tine into that ter
rible man's legs before he would let go of
that Innocent little caff.
Thlnkin' it my duty as a good Samari
tan, I took the elder into the kitchen and
wiped off his clothes so that he was fit
so fur as the outside of him was cpn
cerned to appear In the pulpit, but I told
him that never, never again would I dast
to ride with a man who had thus showed
the cloven foot of sin. I should expect to
be struck by llghtnln out of a clear sky.
That is the kind of a whlted sepulcher
that is at the head of this our blessed
church here. I can tell you that the pre
sldln' elder will get this story straight and
he will get it right from me." Holman F.
Day In Lewlston Journal.
IT WAS A GOOD PLAN.
Bat It Didn't Worlc Quite as He Ex
pected It Would.
His wife had acquired tho habit of go
ing at night when he slept to where his
trousers hung and taking money from
the.r pockets, but in this instance it is the
consequences that are interesting. He is
the proprietor of a business that brings
him a large Income. There are rush
hours in his business, and at such times
much bad money finds its way to his cof
fers. In the course of a year, usually, he
gathers a large bundle of counterfeit
notes ot large and small denominations.
He was thinking one day of some plan
to break his wife of her nocturnal borrow
ing. While he was studying over the
plan he thought also of the bundle of bad
bills then in his safe. He never knew just
why he was keeping the bad money until
that moment.
"That's a brighter idea than I have had
for years," he said, and he smiled with
satisfaction that evening as he filled three
of his pockets with the counterfeits. He
took no other sort of money, except 10
cents for car fare.
Trap Works.
Ho couldn't go to sleep that night and
could hardly keep from chuckling with
mirth. He managed, however, to simu
late sleep, and out of a corner of his eye
saw his loving helpmeet help herself to
the bills. She took some from each ot tho
three rolls, thinking he wouldn't miss
them. The next morning he hurried off
to his office, so his wife wouldn't get time
to repent and tell im what she had done.
Several times that day he went to a
window and looked out. Just to be alone
with his thoughts and be happy. A tele
phone message came for him in the after
noon. If was from a big store In State
street.
"Hello. Are you married?" came the
question over the telephone.
"Yes. Is that any of your business?"
"It may be. There's a woman over here
who says she's your wife."
"Well, what of it?"
"You'd better come over and see."
He hurried to tho store, doubting and
agitated.
His wife had been shopping. She
bought things so liberally that the sales
man who served her was delighted. The
bill of goods amounted to $18, and it was
for trinkets only, such as women buy
who have lots of money. She handed over
four $5 bills. She waited for her change.
Tho salesman, returned, but he was not
smiling suavely.
"I'm sorry, madam, but these bills are
bad."
"Bad?" And with a long, cold, withering
look, she gathered up the bills, and hand
ed over two $10 bills.
After another wait the salesman came
back, and he was not smiling then, either.
"I'm sorry to inform you, madam, that
these bills are bad also."
Plunges Deeper.
She started to say something to him,
but Just at that moment tho right words
were too hard to find. But she could still
look chilling glances at him. She slowly
picked up the two returned bills and
stuffed them into the off side of her
purse. Her fingers were not moving deftly
but she managed to draw out a $20 bill.
With ley deliberation she passed It over
the counter.
"See If that Is bad, too," she said, with
fine Irony.
She was breathing hard, but otherwise
sho was perfectly calm, while she waited.
Soon the salesman came back. His face
was in hard, set lines.
"It is," he said with an effort.
"Give me that money, you you
wretch."
"I'm sorry, madam, but"
The overworked salesman was saved the
labor of finishing such a difficult sentence.
A house detective stepped up beside her
and finished for him by telling her sho
would have to come to the office of the
superintendent. He was a police officer
with a star on his vest, and she avoided
a scene by going with him.
Her husband settled the matter by tell
ing the superintendent the whole story
and paying the bill with good money.
Chicago Tribune.
"PAW" ON MOVING.
Declares the Proceeding
Draw-
hack of Civilization.
"The man that Furst started this moov
ing Blzneas," paw sed one nite after he
got Home from not Finding a house for
Us to live in, "was neerly as Bad' a
nenemy of the Hewmln race as the One
that got us in the habbut of Waiting
close. That's the worst thing about slwle
iszashun. It's expensive and makes a
Heap of bother. Whenever peeple com
mence to Get slwle lzed It's like when a
Baby Cuts Teath. The Teath come in
Handy, all rite, But sumtlmcs it Hardly
seems Like If they were Worth all the
trubble.
"It's the same Way with slwle izashun,
I could tell you About lots of Ways whare
it's a good Thing to have around, But se
what We haft to give up for It. If it
wouldn't of Been for slwle Izashun pee
ple wouldn't need to worry becoz the Var
nlsh mite get nocked often the piano ot
sum of the Cut glass would get stepped
on By a man that has the nurve to Hang
around at nite waiting for Hi? pay after
he's rooencd ate or nine Dollars' worth
of stuff that you Won at card parties.
Clvllzatlon to Blame.
"Why do peeple Eat thare meels often
boxes in the kitchen and sleep on Bare
floors that are Full of Tacks? Slwle
izashun's to Blame for it. The nobul red
man Don't never haft to neerly Brake his
back and get the Skin all wore offen his
nees nor spoil a Conshunce that was neer
ly as good as new Taken up Carpets. No,
when he Wants to move, all he hast to
Do is wait till dark and Then Jump the
reservashun. If he Has a Squaw that's
enny good she Can carry tho two Yungcst
chlldurn with One hand and the Fambly
telluskope with the Other.
"That's ware I don't blame the Injuns
for not wanting to get Siwlo lzed.They've
Had a chance to see the white man moov
ing, and I gess they think they better
stick to Beln Savldges. They no a Good
thing when they've got It.
"And what makes peeple all so Crazy
to moove esmy way? I'll tell you what.
They have'nt Ever got Out of the old
savidge habbut yet, after all thare Slv
vlelzun. It's poor old hewraun naltcher,
that's what It is. God didn't bild a House
with bay windows and Burgler alarma
and Open plummln and all the moddern
conveaneyunces for portch climbers and
tell Adam and Eve that was Whare they
had to Live. No, they Just went campen
around Wharever thay pleased, and If
Thay got tired llvin In One place they'd
tie Thare Wedding presents in a Hanker
chief and go whare the train Survice was
Just as good and Thay could have more
Room.
Same Old Feeling.
"And that's the Same old Feallng pee
ple Have In them Today. They can't Get
it slwle lzed out ot Them. If It wouldn't
bo for That lots of peeple would live two
or Three years In the Same place and be
Happy without hunten around after a
Worso one that cost more munny. You
can always tell about How far a purson's
got away from their munky ansestors by
the Way they want to moove. If they
don't moove offun it shows thay can trace
tholr Fambly away Back, but if they
Hardly get settled before they want to
moove again you couldn't get back of thare
grand fawthers without going Over Into
the Hart of Afrlcky."
"Well maw says, "I don't no But
you're rite about that part of It."
After paw got 4he Ashes of his slggar
wiped offen his vest whare they Fell in a
Bunch, he says:
"Sumthing must be Going to happen.
That's neerly the First time you ever
agreed with me."
"How could I help It," maw told Him.
SLIGHT MISTAKE
--fe0 1 iff
"Say, Bill, the feller in there in an Englishman. Go ia and glvo him a song and dance
about British valor, And he'll nlLyou up to the chin."
S30Sn? "TT"S'X"rj?.T?-'C?S'F
WtlMY ! ZPCZiFWrjcizl r
"My dear sir, let me extend my sympathle
English soldier gets the pky Ucer -nhere he
Dunder and blltsen!"
tQl f n
CjrZDLT
"Say, Bill, don't blame me fur it. I guess
"when they are never a Spring comes
along without you want to moove?"
Georgle, in Chicago Times-Herald.
"THE MAGIC RIBBON."
Patent Medicine Faker "Works" a
Kansas Crowd for Keeps.
"I never hear that expression 'got 'em
on a string,' " said a visitor to this city,
"without recalling an incident that oc
curred a number of years ago in a town
out in Kansas. I was spending a few
days In the place looking after a cattle
deal, and early one evening a parent medi
cine faker put In an appearance on the
Courthouse square. He was In a fine two
horse rig and had a partner with a banjo,
who soon drew a big crowd. Then the
faker proceeded to hawk a cure-all lini
ment at $1 a bottle.
"The price was steep and the stuff went
slowly, and I noticed that at each sale he
wrapped up the bottle, in a sheet of whlt
paper, upon which he ostentatiously pen
ciled a large cross. When four or five
were disposed of, he called on the purchas
ers to bring up their wrappers, and hand
ed over a crisp dollar bill In exchange fo!
each. T am doing this simply to Intro
duce our wonderful pain specific!' he
shouted: 'who's the next lucky man to
take a bottle in a marked wrapper?'
"At that the sale picked up and when he
had repeated the little comedy of selling
the nostrum and redeeming the wrappers
a couple more times, the stuff was going
like hot cakes. Men fairly fell over each
other to get to the buggy, and every now
and then the faker would bawl out,
Hain't time to stop Just now, gentlemen
but be sure to preserve your wrappers!'
"When he had sold, perhaps, 400 bottles,
and the crowd was about cleaned out, he
stopped suddenly and held up his hand for
attention. Kcw, gentlemen,' he said, pro-
r II II t l JSF -J?-l m- m rf.A
duclng a ball of narrow pink tape, 1 want
all of your who have a marked wrapper to
take hold of this ribbon. Get in line,
please!' The crowd obeyed with a rush,
and presently 400 men were strung out
along the curb, holding to the tape and
wondering what was going to happen
next.
"The faker drove slowly up the street,
paying out the tape as he went. 'Hold on
to the magic ribbon! he yelled. 'Don't
let go of the mystic band!' The tape was
five blocks long, and when be paid out
the last of it he whipped up his team and
vanished in the gathering night, leaving
400 large, able-bodied chumps hanging pa
tiently to his Infernal string. When the
trick dawned on them he was half way
to the next township. Was I In the line
did you ask? Yes, I was." New Orleans
Times-Democrat.
DRUMMER WON TIIE BET.
Louisville Horseman Drops $100 on
Quick Gamble.
"Speaking of railroad accidents," said
a veteran commercial traveler at tho
Cosmopolitan yesterday, "I am reminded
of a curious experience, and Incidentally
of the most Incorrigible gambler I ever
met In my life. I was going West over
the Atchison. Topeka & Santa Fe some
years ago, and ono of my fellow-passengers
In the Pullman was a racehorse man
from Louisville. He was an Interesting
fellow and a good story-teller, but his
conversation was marred by his habit of
leading everything up to a proposition to
make a wager. Every statement ho made
was clinched by an offer to back It with
money, and finally the thing became rath
er tiresome, and I made some excuse for
avoiding his society.
"Our sections in the sleeper happened to
bo directly opposite, and that night we
were sitting on the edge of our respective
lower berths preparing to retire, when
all of a sudden the whole car was shaken
IN NATIONALITY.
9 and declare my conviction that when the
wants him. he'll make dog's meat of him In "
i.
.u..
)CTk
I mad ea mistake In his nationality.'
by a series of swift and heavy concus
sions. We both realized Instantly what
had happened. The train had Jumped tho
track and was at that moment bumping
Its way over the ties, preliminary to
heaven only knew what kind of a plunge.
We were at that time In a part of Kan
sas that Is full of ravines and gullies,
and short bridges are of frequent occur
rence. That disquieting fact flashed into
our minds simultaneously.
" 'Bet y a hundred we're on a trestle T
yelled the Louisville man. above tha
pounding of the wheels. Take y'! I
yelled back, and with that the coach gave
a sickening lurch and rolled completely
over.
"When I extricated myself from a
broken window I found we had stopped
on level ground, and, while everybody wal
more or less cut and bruised, no one was
killed. I encountered my Kentucky friend
wandering about the wreck, and he
promptly handed me a $100 bill.
" "What made you take me up so quick
ly?" he asked.
" 'Because If we had been on a trestle
we would all have been killed, I replied,
'and you couldn't have collected the bet.
I stood to win, but not to lose.'
" That's so,' he said, regretfully.
'Next time this happens I'll take the other
end." "New Orleans Times-Democrat.
A Sure Test.
"Are you sure she Is as gentle and pa
tient and amiable as she seems?" asked
the friend.
"Not quite sure," answered the young
j man who is in love. "But I'm going to
find out."
"How?"
"I'm going to get her to call somebody
up over a long-distance telephone and then
watch her." Washington Star.
ZSkM.
LL POETRYlf
Oa the Firingf Line.
Would you live a. life la a single hour?
Toucan.
And help run. things with a. brimstone power?
Understand
Ton can do all this In our picnic Xre
By taking your place with Jim and ma
Out hero on tho firing line.
Your face is as gray as the sands at noon
That's right.
All the blood has gone to thy heart, poltroon
But you'll fight
When the dick of the bullet brings fate's de
cree It will tune thy nerves to the major key
That sounds oa the firing Una.
You may give ono thought to the friends
away
No tears.
You will think of them no moro today.
The cheers
Will lift you up to ancther sphere,
The past, my son. will be out of gear
With you on the firing line.
Are you a murderer at heart T
Oh. no.
Would you kill yon man where the gray rocks
part
Thy foe?
A puff of smoke; a Jarring shock;
A Mauser's mark on thy rifle stock
You have on the firing line.
Can you Joke In tha face of death, my boy.
With Jim?
Can you laugh when the dead on our flanks de
ploy With him?
You can? You llet When the white flags wave
We can dig for Jim a, soldier's grave
He Is dead oa the firing line.
You have caught the fever of battle now.
So-good.
You would fight the world In a deadly row
If you could.
You would carry our flag through tho furnace
of fame.
You would charge yon mountain of fire and
flame
Ahead of the firing line. - - .
Today has made you a hero rare
With us.
You fight as If you did not caro
A cuss '
For bullet storm or bursting shell
For all that constitutes a hell
Along oa tho firing line.
This day has made you a man a. maa
With us.
Although we can scarcely understand
Why thus
You can show the grit of a veteran old.
And smile at death as you stubbornly hold
Your place on the firing line.
But the lessons of war wo aro learning, my
lad.
We two.
The dlaplomles should not be bad
Or. few.
And when we gat home ray God. a ball
una given to me ana to you. our all
A grave on the firing line. ,
S. D. Richardson In Rochester Democrat.
Feedln the Stock.
Hear the chorus in that tie-up,' runch, zer-
runch, and runch and runch!
There's a row of honest critters I Does me
good to hear 'em munch.
When the barn Is getting dusky and the sun's
behind tha drifts
Touchln' last the gable winder where the
dancln' hay-dust sifts.
When the coaxln' from tho tie-up kind o'
hints It's five o'clock.
Wal, I've got a Job that suits me that's the
chore of feedln' stock.
Wo've got patches down to our house honest
patches though, and neat.
But we'd rather have the patches than to
sklnch. on what we eat,
Lots of work, and grub to bock ye that's a
mighty wholesome creed.
Critters fust, s'r. that's my motto give the
critters all they need.
And the way we do to our house, roarm an
me take what Is loft.
And wal we ain't goln hungry, as you'll
notice by our heft.
Darn tho man that's calculatln' when he
measures out his hay.
Groanin .every time he pitches ary forkful
out the "bay;"
Darn the man who feeds out ruff-scuff, wood
and wire from the swale.
"Cause ho wants to press his herd's-grass, send
his clover off for salo.
Oh, the dim old barn seems homelike, with its
over-hanging mows.
With its warm and battened tie-up, full of
well-fed sheep and cows.
Then I shot the door behind me, drop the bar
and drive the -pin.
And, with Jeff a-waggln' after, lug the fcamln"
milk palls In.
That's the style of things to our house marm
and ma don't pull up
Until ev'ry critter's eatin', from the cattle
down to pup.
Then the blsklts and tho spare-rib and plum
preserves taste good.
For we're feelin', me an mother, that we're
actln' 'bout's we should.
Like or not, s'r, after supper mother sews an
other patch
And she says the duds look trampy, 'cause she
ain't got goods to match.
Fust of all, though, comes the meal bins and
the haymows; after those
If there's any extry dollars, wal, we'll see
about some clothes;
But tonight, why. bless ye, mother, pull the
rug acrost the door
Warmth and food and peace and comfort
let's not pester God for more.
Lewlston Evening Journal.
SI(rns of Spring:.
The snow has left tho open field a month or
more ago,
I've found tho yellow cowslip where the mead
ow brook runs slow.
And all along the Intervals tho blushing
Bnowdrop twines;
The crows are shy and silent they're nesting
in the pines
But Winter!! maybe come again; you're nevcx
sure 'twill not
Till you hear the cuckoo calling In the pas
ture lot.
"Cuckoo, cuckoo," softly calling you,
Down behind the pasture bars
All the warm day through.
"Cuckoo, cuckoo," shy and sleek of wing,
He's the low-voiced harbinger
That makes us sure of Spring.
No use to look for orioles, they haven't coma
as yet;
Although I've heard a linnet and the quail has
cried "More wet."
Good Uncle Zenas Tompkins has been out and
planted peas
He "doesn't think 'fll hurt 'em If we have
another freeze;
But don't you put In corn or beans (for it
you do they'll rot)
Till you hear the cuckoo calling in tha pas
ture lot."
'Way over In the scrub-oaks you can hear tha
partridge drum.
The girls are playing hop-scotch, and the boys
say "tops have come."
Miss Abigail is making soap that's pretty
nearly sure
That pleasant weather's right at hand and
likely to endure.
We're only lacking one more sign and hark,
'tis on the spot!
Don't you hear the cuckoo calling In tho pas
ture lot!
"Cuckoo, cuckoo," softly calling you,
Down behind the pasture bars
All the warm day through.
"Cuckoo, cuckoo," shy and sleek of wing;
He's tho low-voiced harbinger
That makes us sure of Spring.
Harper's Bazar.
Sleeping: Under tlie Tree.
It was April the steenth.
And quite soft were the skies.
Which it might be supposed
That the man was likewise;
For he put on a suit built for Summer,
And the sequel perhaps you surmise,
Which along about noon
It began to freeze.
And a blizzard swoops down
On the wings of the breeze
In a week he was peacefully lying
Asleep out under the trees.
v Chicago Times-Herald.
Would It Be Too LateT
Goln to separate today after twenty years.
Twenty years o married life mingled smile
an' tears.
Jes drawed & deed for th.' house an farm-
she's a-goln' to stay.
An as for me, I'm goln' to quit quit an sa
away.
Wa can't hitch up no longer; Vm ahangin
back.
A-draggla on the wagon wheel, or else sh
flies th track;
An when a team don't pull right, the's nothln
else to do
But put shafts In th wagon, with ono horw
'stead o two.
The's a vision sort o' comes to me coxnes
through the mist an blur.
A vision o twenty years ago I wonder ITi
comes to her
When the preacher Joined our bands In his an
said: "My children, give
Yer hearta an' lives t' each other as long J
ye both shall live."
I wonder If sho remembers rd sort o Ilk
to know;
I'd like to go and ask her, but now it's tog
late to go;
Too late to come together wo've got to face
our fate;
I wonder if anythlngs saddcr'n them tw
words, "too late."
Twenty years I was thirty then; Vm over
fifty now;
Seems sort o childish business to break U7
in a row.
For a man as old as I am, an' a woman old
as she:
Sort o old for people to find they can't agree.
I wonder If I was hasty? Mebbe I was. I
b'lleve
With an evener on th' wagon I wouldn't a
bad to leave;
An evener o Patience th' balance would sort
o' make.
When we got to goln sideways, an let us
give an' take.
I wonder If I was to go to her go to her an
say:
"We've been pullln uneven let's try another
way;
We'll lengthen th temper strap a hole and
shorten up th tongue.
An move th load forrud a little so th weight
'11 be better hung.
Mebbe we've not been hitched up right could
pull th load along
If we'd look th' harness over an find out
what was wrong."
I wonder It I was to go to her an put th"
case an' state
What I b'lleve to be th' matter If It would
be too late?
Bismarck Tribune.
The Terror From Kalamazoo.
He lit In tho camp with a booze-scented whoop,
like a besom of withering wrath.
And swore he would wipe from the face ot tfct
earth any rooster that crowed in hia path;
He cussed till the air that hung over the bar
with the heat ot his language was blue;
His name was Wild Dick, an' It fit him, for ho
was a terror from Kalamazoo.
1
A pair of six shooters t'd ballast a ship wera
hung from a belt at his waist;
The terrors of neighboring Michigan towns in
premature graves he had placed;
But prlco marks were written In Ink on his guna
they both were untarnished and new,
And we knew that our camp was the first stand
he'd played since starting from Kala
mazoo. He shot at tha bottles that stood on tho bar,
but missed, and then, eager for gore.
Cut loose at short range on old Tamarack Joe,
and hit a spittoon on the floor;
His guns for a minute he noisily worked, tha
bullets most recklessly flew;
But nothing was hit that would leak any blood
for tho terror from Kalamazoo.
He'd kill the first man that declined to Indulge.
and the boys quite obligingly drank
'Twas seldom they struck such a dead-easy guy
with money to burn in his flank;
They patted him oft on the full of tho back,
and called him a daisy cuckoo.
And every such Joshing would Jolly a drink
from the terror from Kalamazoo.
Yank Sullivan started tho ball onadance'round
tho fast-whirling wheel of roulette.
And bantered Wild Richard In sociable way to
. favor the game with a bet.
And half an hour later In searching his clothea,
he failed to discover a sou,
And kind-hearted Sullivan purchased a drink
for the terror from Kalamazoo.
We filled all his pockets with second-hand grab
to chew on his way to the States,
For Richard was not In position to rido Oi
regular passenger rates;
And down In the gathering gloom of the yard
we bade him' a tender adieu.
As ho climbed on the trucks of an emigrant car
and started for Kalamazoo.
Denver Post.
The Man With the Van.
Bowed with a bedtlck In his arms, he leans
Against the newel-post and gazes round;
Dirt, hair and feathers on his face
And on his back a blouse that onco was bluet
Who made him so he doesn't care a "cuss"
For polished brass or varnish or shellac.
Stolid and swart and stubborn as an ox?
Who loosened and let dawn the folding bed?
Whose was the hand that ripped tho hinges off?
Whose foot went through the beveled looking
glass? Is this the man they said would handle things
As carefully as If they were his own
The gentleman th clerk declared they'd send
To load and haul away our furniture?
Is this the lovely thing who was to come
And with his very presence make us glad?
Down all the stretch of space to Its last gulf
There Is no shape more terrible than this.
Afore bent on Jamming corners through tha
walls.
More eager tp spill glassware on the floor,
More fraught with menaco to the things wa
own!
What gulfs between him and the Joy of art!
Slave of the weed he's chewing, what to him
Are sweet Madonnas held In dainty frames,
What the rich glow ot vases from Japan,
The deckel edges of the printed page?
From this dread shape the suffering thousands
shrink.
For tragedy is in his every lunge!
To this dread shape humanity upset.
Made desperate and trod upon, cries out
A protest that is full of bluish words,
A protest that he merely laughs to scorn.
S. E. Kiser In Times-Herald.
Tommy Atkins Up to Date.
We take him from the nurses and the maids;
We load him up with guns and haversacks;
We teach him how to form a hollow square;
And what Is what In marches and attacks;
We show him how an ultimatum works,
And how we play our llttlo bluffing game.
It matters not what he Is called abroad.
We call him Tommy Atkins, Just the samel
CHORUS. L
Oh, Tommy! Tommy Atkins! .n
You're a good 'un, heart and band;
You're a credit to your wages.
And to all your blooming land;
You're a beauty when you're dreamlns
Of a war across the foam; - ,
But, God help you. Tommy Atkins,
When you get away from home.
Of course, we hava the world upon a string;
We like to think we own tho blooming earth;
What caro we for the rights of other folk
While we are In the game for all It's worth?
We fancy that we run America,
(While Europe bows to us with crlnglna
smiles,
Africa and Asia aro our pie)
And all tho little cheap Pacific Isle.
CHORUS. i 1
Oh. Tommy! Tommy Atkins! 1U-
You are always In tha right; . rf
But stop at home and talk, slr -a, .
It is safer than to fight. f
For you must be circumspect, sir;
There aro kicks across the foam; i
And God help you. Tommy Atkins,
If you get away from home. !
New York Evening Sun. -
Different Aspect.
A letter one day to the editor came,
It read. "Sir. your paper Is gijeat;
But money Is scarce, so In payment I sesA j
A .pair of gum boots, number eight." J
An answer to town then the editor penned,
It said, "Yours received, thanks to you; J
But this paper is run by women alone,
And the editor wears number two." j