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About Eugene weekly. (Eugene, Oregon) 1993-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 21, 2019)
WIGGLY TAILS DOG RESCUE Medical Marijuana Certification Helping abandoned and surrendered dogs find their forever homes OMMP PATIENTS Calling all Hound lovers- JJ is right around 1 yr old, neutered, 50 lbs, and a hound mix. JJ is very friendly, knows a few basic commands and is great with kids. He enjoys car rides, walks well on a leash, loves to hang out in the yard, (with access to inside), and sleeps in his crate at night.He would do best as an only dog OR with a very similar sized and aged k9 friend. JJ had a pretty isolated and rough start to his life, so his go-to behavior is barking at other animals, strange noises, and when he’s left alone. He is working on potty training but does well with free access to outside. Therefore, he needs someone that is home most of the time, is able to take him with them, or has securely fenced property he can explore. He would benefit from extended training and an adopter experienced with Hounds. JJ has a great nose, can follow a scent and find things, is great at alerting to wildlife, and would be a great livestock watcher. with qualifying medical conditions. Must have recent Dr.’s records CONTACT RONI between 10am-6pm Call 541-729-3913 Dr Holland provider www.facebook.com/WigglyTailsDogRescue Earn your CADC in 1 year! 541-255-2734 NOW OFFERING NAIL SERVICES IN ADDITION TO OUR RAD INK. Call 541-284-5702 for more information and an application. 304 RIVER ROAD ACCESSTHELAW.ORG Eugene / Oakridge / Corvallis A nonprofit providing legal services for families and individuals of modest means on a sliding fee scale ACCESSTHELAW.ORG • Divorce, Custody, Family law • Tenant/Landlord law • Bankruptcy • Wills, Estate issues Eugene I Corvallis / Oakridge • Elder law • Expungements • Many other legal matters A nonprofit providing legal services for 245 West and 13th Ave Eugene, families individuals of modest 47663 Hwy 58 Oakridge, OR 97463 means OR on a 97401 sliding fee scale 541.228.6820 Pam@AlternativeRealtor.com 541-780-4989 456 SW Monroe, #100 Corvallis, OR 97333 971-808-1078 For All Things Real Estate! Eugene’s Alternative 245 WEST 13th AVENUE Eugene, OR 97401 541-686-4890 47663 Hwy 58 Oakridge, OR 97463 www.AlternativeRealtor.com 541-780-4989 REALTORS ® 456 SW Monroe, #100 Corvallis, OR 97333 DON’T SCORE! SHOOT, BUT 971-808-1078 Make your vasectomy a slam dunk. Schedule your appointment today and enjoy time off to watch the tournament! Vasectomies are safe, permanent birth control covered by most insurance plans, requiring a short time out for recovery. access@accessthelaw.org Make your appointment today! ppsworegon.org | 541-344-9411 Lingerie Is Better Than Roses… NEW LINGERIE ARRIVALS $10 OFF X GLOSS Adult Shop 290 River Rd | 86784 Franklin Blvd | 720 Garfield e-adultshop.com - 541.636.3203 E U G E N E W E E K LY . C O M BY DAN SAVAGE Two weeks ago, a longtime reader challenged me to create a new sexual neologism. (Quickly for the pedants: You’re right! It is redundant to describe a neologism as “new,” since neologisms are by definition new: “ne·ol·o·gism noun a newly coined word or expression.” You got me!) “Neo-Neologisms, Please!” was too polite to point it out, but my two most famous and widely used neologisms have been around so long—pegging (2001) and santorum (2003)— that they’re practically paleogisms at this point. So I accepted NNP’s challenge and proposed “with extra lobster.” My inspiration: on a visit to Iceland, I was delighted to discover that “with extra lobster” was a menu item at food carts that served lobster. This delighted me for two reasons. First, lobster is fucking delicious and getting extra lobster with your lobster is fucking awesome. And second, “with extra lobster” sounded like it was a dirty euphemism for something equally awesome. I offered up my own suggested definition—someone who sticks their tongue out and licks your balls while they’re deep-throating your cock is giving you a blowjob with extra lobster—and invited readers to send in their own. It was my readers, after all, who came up with the winning definitions for pegging (“a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo”) and santorum (“the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex”). What follows are the best reader-suggested definitions for “with extra lobster,” with oc- casional commentary from yours truly… I think I have a good candidate for your “with extra lobster” definition! It could be ap- plied to a man who has an exceptionally large and dangling foreskin (“His penis comes with extra lobster!”) or a woman whose labia protrudes (“I love pussy with extra lob- ster!”). QUALITY CUSTOM ARTISTS Serenity Lane is a NAADAC approved educational provider and has been training addiction counselors for over thirty years. 541-686-4890 LOVE Consider the (Extra) Lobster “With extra lobster” sounds to me like going down on someone—regardless of sex— when it’s a little more odoriferous than you would like because they haven’t bathed in a while. For example: “Things were getting hot and heavy with my Tinder date last night, and then I started to go down and was surprised with extra lobster.” NO COST Training to become a certified alcohol & drug Counselor. • Divorce, custody, family law • Tenant/Landlord law • Bankruptcy Principal Broker issues • Wills, estate • Elder law • Expungements • Many other legal matters SAVAGE When I first started dating my wife, she kept her lady parts waxed clean, and they looked a bit like a lobster claw, even being slightly red if the waxing was recent. We nicknamed her vagina and surrounding area “The Lobster,” or “Lobby” for short. So I would suggest that “with extra lobster” should mean anytime you get some extra lob- ster in on the act—from normal lesbian sex (two lobsters!), to a standard-issue male fantasy threesome (two lobsters and one cock), to a surprise second go-around after you thought the sex was over. The area surrounding the vagina already has a name: the vulva. While most people are familiar with the labia majora and minora parts of the vulva, aka “the lips,” fewer know the name for the area between the labia minora. The spot where the opening to the vaginal canal can be found—also part of the vulva—is called the “vaginal vestibule.” According to my the- saurus, lobby is a synonym for vestibule. So this proposed definition of “with extra lobster” is pretty apt. Now, some will quibble with the lobby-ish implication that a vagina is a space that needs to be entered. One can have a good time—great sex with lots of extra lobster—with- out anyone being penetrated, i.e., without anyone entering the lobby. “Extra lobster should be the name for those cock-extender things. Example: “My hus- band has a small penis. And you know what? The sex is great! He gives great head, and isn’t afraid to strap-on some extra lobster now and then.” As a vegan, Dan, I strongly object to “with extra lobster.” It reinforces the speciest notion that is it permissible to consume lobsters, sentient life forms that feel pain, and associating a sex act with the violence of meat consumption further desensitizes us to acts of sexual violence. Fuck off. When you see a gorgeous ultra-feminine creature far more gorgeously feminine than my straight CIS ass will ever be. But under all the silks and stockings and satin panties… there’s a wonderful and welcome surprise! That girl comes WITH EXTRA LOBSTER! I’ve learned about fursuits from you, Dan, and so many other crazy things—like the guy who wanted to be sexually ravished and then torn apart and eaten by zombies. With that in mind, I think “with extra lobster” shouldn’t refer to a sex act. It should be ENTIRELY literal: an act of bestiality performed not with one lobster, but with two or more lobsters. (The zombie guy was what hooked me on “Savage Love.” I’m too shallow for the actual problems and stuff. More freaks please!) Too literal and too improbable—and euphemisms that describe things that have never happened or only happen very, very rarely are unlikely to enter the lexicon. I used to hook up with a cuckold couple with a particularly naughty fetish: I’d fuck the woman, fill her up, and her man would eat it out of her. So, say you hooked up with a woman, let’s call her “Melania,” and her husband, call him “Donald,” ate her pussy af- ter you filled her with come. Donald is eating pussy with extra lobster! Sounds more like pussy with extra chowder to me—and what you’ve described already has a perfectly good (and widely-used) name: cream pie. And, please God, let’s leave Trump out of this. There’s no need to associate something so vile and disgusting with eating another man’s come out of your wife’s lobby. “With extra lobster” should refer to any intimate pleasure where your expectations are greatly exceeded! I’m a gay man in my sixties, and my husband and I have been together for decade. I also have a friend with benefits. One night we were camping and I blurted out, “I would like to cuddle with you.” What happened next was 12 courses— at least—with extra lobster! We’ve managed to rekindle this energy every couple of years over the past 25! I believe your example of “with extra lobster” regarding an extra WOW factor during something sexual is perfect and doesn’t need extra explanation. As the saying goes, Dan, you pegged it! I agree with the last two letter writers: “with extra lobster” shouldn’t refer to any spe- cific sex act—and it should never involve actual lobsters and/or mental images of the current president of the United States—but should, instead, be a general term meaning “expecta- tions exceeded.” When someone really comes through for you, when they knock your socks off, when they make you see stars—when they really WOW you—then you got boned or blown or fucked or flogged or torn apart and eaten by zombies with extra lobster! And with that sorted and settled, a bonus neologism to close the column… This isn’t a definition for “with extra lobster,” but I wanted to share it. I live in Uganda and many of the streets are lined with stalls that sell BBQ chicken. If you know to ask for the special chicken, they’ll often sell you weed. Special Chicken has become my favorite euphemism for weed! On the Lovecast, the ethics of HIV disclosure: savagelovecast.com. MAIL@SAVAGELOVE.NET • @FAKEDANSAVAGE • THE SAVAGE LOVECAST AT SAVAGELOVECAST.COM F E B R U A R Y 2 1 , 2 0 1 9 27
