Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Eugene weekly. (Eugene, Oregon) 1993-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 14, 2017)
SAVAGE NEURODIVERSE LOVE KRATOM 10% OFF 1 OZ. OR MORE • WITH THIS COUPON 57 W. BROADWAY 541-687-0139 Eugene: (541) 514-4857 Sweet Illusions Nude Hours 12pm-2:15am Daily LOTTERY-PLATINUM SERIES • CHAMPAGNE ROOM OUTSIDE SMOKING • DRINKING PATIO DANCERS AUDITION Call 541-517-7196 www.sweetillusions.biz 1836 South ‘A’ St., Spfl d • 541-762-1503 Only 5 minutes from campus (Franklin Blvd turns into South A St.) NEW Panty Styles 5 FOR $20 50% OFF CALENDARS 5 DVDS: $20 NEW WEBSITE: E-ADULTSHOP.COM Adult Shop 290 River Rd | 86784 Franklin Blvd | 720 Garfield e-adultshop.com - 541.636.3203 PET OF THE WEEK! Everybody deserves a good home 541-689-1503 www.green-hill.org 88530 Green Hill Rd This December - Greenhill Humane Society has been selected by the ASPCA as one of just 90 animal welfare organizations across 36 states to participate in the Subaru Share the Love fee-waived pet adoption promotion! Both Greenhill and 1st Avenue Shelter are excited to work with the ASPCA and grateful to receive grant money to sponsor 31 adoptable pets for the month of December between the two shelter locations! Look for the special “Adoption Fee Sponsored” logo on animal profi les at Green-Hill.org and visit the two shelter locations to learn more! Hours: Fri-Tu 11am-6pm • Closed Wednesday & Thursday Sweet Potato is an adorable 4 year old sweetie-pie. She is a gentle, shy kitty who was rescued from under a porch, shortly after having her third litter of kittens. This innocent little girl was recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure and had a close call at the Emergency Vet Hospital last week. Help us save Sweet Potato by making a donation today for her medical fund. Secure donations can be made online at sarastreasures. org, at S.A.R.A.’s Treasures 871 River Rd, or mailed to our mailing address PO Box 41462 Eugene, OR 97404 BY DAN SAVAGE As a 36-year-old straight woman with autism, I am often misidentified as lesbian because my social signaling must read as masculine. I am not bothered by this. However, it is annoying when someone who should know better thinks I would hide it if I were LGBTQ. I’m very direct and honest— sometimes to my detriment—and the idea that I would hide something so fundamental about myself is abhorrent to me. I don’t consider myself disabled; I am different than most people but not broken. But as a person with a diagnosed “disability” that includes an inability to accurately read and dis- play social cues, I know that a person’s perception of your sexual orientation is definitely affected by social signaling. I enjoy your podcast and I feel like I am educating myself about how neurotyp- ical people think. But I wish there was as good a source of advice for people with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I have been searching, but a lot of the advice for people with ASD is written by people who are not on the spectrum and focuses on passing for neurotypical. Not Disabled, Not Lesbian, Not Typical I shared your letter with Steve Silberman, the award-winning author of the New York Times best seller NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity, NDNLNT. I really have nothing to add to his response—your question is outside my supposed areas of quasi-expertise—so I’m going to let Steve take it from here. “I’m not surprised to hear that NDNLNT is more annoyed by people thinking she’s in the closet than by them misidentifying her as gay. In my experience, a passionate concern for social justice—and com- passion for other stigmatized and marginalized people—is so common among folks on the spectrum that it’s practically diagnostic. Furthermore, there seems to be an interesting overlap between being autistic and having a nonstandard gender identity—whether you define yourself as gay, bi, trans, straight but not cis, or nonbinary. “My autistic friends share NDNLNT’s concern about the lack of good resources for autistic people who want to learn more about the nuances of sex, dating, and gender identity. As she points out, many of the advice books written specifically for people on the spectrum take the approach that the route to success in this arena involves acting as much like a neurotypical as possible, which just adds stress to an already stressful situation. They also tend to be tediously heteronormative and drearily vanilla-centric. “But there are exceptions. My autistic friends recommend Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Au- tistic Adults by Zosia Zaks, The Aspie Girl’s Guide to Being Safe with Men by Debi Brown, and the antholo- gy What Every Autistic Girl Wishes Her Parents Knew edited by Emily Paige Ballou, Kristina Thomas, and Sharon daVanport. While not autism-specific, The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability also comes highly recommended. My favorite autism blog, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism, runs frank and fascinating pieces like ‘Autism and Orgasm.’ Another place to look for useful advice is in presentations by autistic self-advocates like Lindsey Nebeker, Stephen Mark Shore, and Amy Gravino (whose TEDx talk ‘Why Au- tism Is Sexier Than You Think It Is’ is on YouTube).” Dan here: Thank you so much, Steve. And to everyone else: There’s more about Steve and his work at his website (stevesilberman.com), and I strongly recommend following him on Twitter (@stevesilber- man), where he daily battles Republicanism, ignorance, and hatred. (I’m sorry, was that redundant?) My fiancé and I are getting straight-married this summer. My fiancé’s best man is in a polyam- orous relationship—which is not the problem. The issue is that we like only one of his boyfriends. Our best man moved in with the boyfriend we like two years ago. The other boyfriend is new (six months), younger, and immature. Whenever we’ve seen the three of them, his new boyfriend was fighting with one of them. I don’t want our best man to feel like we are being rude in excluding his new partner, but I don’t want there to be drama for our best man at our wedding. Being Rude Isn’t Dat Easy Hmm. A new addition to a poly relationship who creates drama and makes close friends of the original pair uncomfortable? I’d put the odds of their third being in the picture six months from now at zero. So this is a problem that will most likely solve itself. But you could always ask your friend what he would like you to do. You’re not worried about the new boyfriend ruining your wedding, BRIDE, you’re worried about him ruining the day for your best man. So ask your best man what would be worse—the new boyfriend being excluded (and your best man incurring his wrath at home) or the new boyfriend being included (and your best man having to put up with his bullshit at the wedding). Then +1 or +2 accordingly. I’m an attractive 30-year-old woman. Recently, I was stuck in a packed subway car. I squeezed in next to the best-looking straphanger I could find, faced him like we were slow-dancing, pressed my tits into him, and straddled his leg. We were so close, my head was over his shoulder—I could feel an electrical charge running through his body—and we stayed that way until I got to my stop. Upon parting, I whispered, “You’re very attractive.” And he whispered back, “So are you.” I’ve pulled this on crowded trains a few other times. They’re my favorite erotic memories, and it sure seemed like the guys enjoyed these experiences. But Charlie Rose thought he was “exploring shared feelings.” So I wanted to ask: Am a groper? Tiresome Reality Arrogates Intimate Nearness Yup. Some people would say the obvious response—the obvious way to open your eyes to what’s so wrong about your actions—would be to ask, “If a dude did this to a woman on a public conveyance, would that be okay?” But a woman seeking out the hottest guy on the subway and pressing her tits into his chest and straddling his leg exists in an entirely different context than a man doing the same to a woman. As I wrote recently on my blog in the Savage Love Letter of the Day: “Men don’t move through their lives deflecting near-constant unwanted sexual attention, we aren’t subjected to epidemic levels of sexual violence, and consequently we don’t live with the daily fear that we could be the victims of sexual vio- lence at any time and in any place.” So a man on the receiving end of your behavior—even a man who felt annoyed, offended, or threatened—is going to experience your actions very differently than a woman subjected to the same actions by a man. A man is unlikely to feel threatened; a woman is unlikely to feel anything else. While the men you’ve done this to seemed to enjoy it—and we only have your word to go on—that doesn’t make your subway perving okay. There are definitely men out there, TRAIN, who would be up- set and/or angered by your actions. Me, for instance—and not (just) because I’m gay. (I don’t like being hugged by strangers. I would hate being humped by a random perv on the train.) There are also men out there who have been the victims of sexual violence—far, far fewer men than women, of course, but you can’t tell by looking at a guy whether he’d be traumatized by your opportunistic attentions. Even if your hump-dar (like gaydar, but for humping) was perfect and you never did this to a man who didn’t enjoy it, you’re normalizing sexual assault on subways and buses, TRAIN, thereby making these spaces less safe for women than they already are. Knock it the fuck off. Give the gift of the magnum Savage Lovecast at savagelovecast.com! 871 River Road • 607-8892 • Open Everyday 10-6 www.sarastreasures.org MAIL@SAVAGELOVE.NET • @FAKEDANSAVAGE • THE SAVAGE LOVECAST AT SAVAGELOVECAST.COM eugeneweekly.com • December 14, 2017 39
