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BY DAN SAVAGE
As a 36-year-old straight woman with autism, I am often misidentified as lesbian because my
social signaling must read as masculine. I am not bothered by this. However, it is annoying when
someone who should know better thinks I would hide it if I were LGBTQ. I’m very direct and honest—
sometimes to my detriment—and the idea that I would hide something so fundamental about myself
is abhorrent to me. I don’t consider myself disabled; I am different than most people but not broken.
But as a person with a diagnosed “disability” that includes an inability to accurately read and dis-
play social cues, I know that a person’s perception of your sexual orientation is definitely affected
by social signaling. I enjoy your podcast and I feel like I am educating myself about how neurotyp-
ical people think. But I wish there was as good a source of advice for people with autism spectrum
disorder (ASD). I have been searching, but a lot of the advice for people with ASD is written by people
who are not on the spectrum and focuses on passing for neurotypical.
Not Disabled, Not Lesbian, Not Typical
I shared your letter with Steve Silberman, the award-winning author of the New York Times best seller
NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity, NDNLNT. I really have nothing to add
to his response—your question is outside my supposed areas of quasi-expertise—so I’m going to let
Steve take it from here.
“I’m not surprised to hear that NDNLNT is more annoyed by people thinking she’s in the closet than
by them misidentifying her as gay. In my experience, a passionate concern for social justice—and com-
passion for other stigmatized and marginalized people—is so common among folks on the spectrum that
it’s practically diagnostic. Furthermore, there seems to be an interesting overlap between being autistic
and having a nonstandard gender identity—whether you define yourself as gay, bi, trans, straight but not
cis, or nonbinary.
“My autistic friends share NDNLNT’s concern about the lack of good resources for autistic people who
want to learn more about the nuances of sex, dating, and gender identity. As she points out, many of the
advice books written specifically for people on the spectrum take the approach that the route to success
in this arena involves acting as much like a neurotypical as possible, which just adds stress to an already
stressful situation. They also tend to be tediously heteronormative and drearily vanilla-centric.
“But there are exceptions. My autistic friends recommend Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Au-
tistic Adults by Zosia Zaks, The Aspie Girl’s Guide to Being Safe with Men by Debi Brown, and the antholo-
gy What Every Autistic Girl Wishes Her Parents Knew edited by Emily Paige Ballou, Kristina Thomas, and
Sharon daVanport. While not autism-specific, The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability also comes highly
recommended. My favorite autism blog, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism, runs frank and fascinating
pieces like ‘Autism and Orgasm.’ Another place to look for useful advice is in presentations by autistic
self-advocates like Lindsey Nebeker, Stephen Mark Shore, and Amy Gravino (whose TEDx talk ‘Why Au-
tism Is Sexier Than You Think It Is’ is on YouTube).”
Dan here: Thank you so much, Steve. And to everyone else: There’s more about Steve and his work
at his website (stevesilberman.com), and I strongly recommend following him on Twitter (@stevesilber-
man), where he daily battles Republicanism, ignorance, and hatred. (I’m sorry, was that redundant?)
My fiancé and I are getting straight-married this summer. My fiancé’s best man is in a polyam-
orous relationship—which is not the problem. The issue is that we like only one of his boyfriends.
Our best man moved in with the boyfriend we like two years ago. The other boyfriend is new (six
months), younger, and immature. Whenever we’ve seen the three of them, his new boyfriend was
fighting with one of them. I don’t want our best man to feel like we are being rude in excluding his new
partner, but I don’t want there to be drama for our best man at our wedding.
Being Rude Isn’t Dat Easy
Hmm. A new addition to a poly relationship who creates drama and makes close friends of the original
pair uncomfortable? I’d put the odds of their third being in the picture six months from now at zero. So this
is a problem that will most likely solve itself. But you could always ask your friend what he would like you
to do. You’re not worried about the new boyfriend ruining your wedding, BRIDE, you’re worried about him
ruining the day for your best man. So ask your best man what would be worse—the new boyfriend being
excluded (and your best man incurring his wrath at home) or the new boyfriend being included (and your
best man having to put up with his bullshit at the wedding). Then +1 or +2 accordingly.
I’m an attractive 30-year-old woman. Recently, I was stuck in a packed subway car. I squeezed
in next to the best-looking straphanger I could find, faced him like we were slow-dancing, pressed
my tits into him, and straddled his leg. We were so close, my head was over his shoulder—I could feel
an electrical charge running through his body—and we stayed that way until I got to my stop. Upon
parting, I whispered, “You’re very attractive.” And he whispered back, “So are you.” I’ve pulled this
on crowded trains a few other times. They’re my favorite erotic memories, and it sure seemed like the
guys enjoyed these experiences. But Charlie Rose thought he was “exploring shared feelings.” So I
wanted to ask: Am a groper?
Tiresome Reality Arrogates Intimate Nearness
Yup.
Some people would say the obvious response—the obvious way to open your eyes to what’s so
wrong about your actions—would be to ask, “If a dude did this to a woman on a public conveyance, would
that be okay?” But a woman seeking out the hottest guy on the subway and pressing her tits into his
chest and straddling his leg exists in an entirely different context than a man doing the same to a woman.
As I wrote recently on my blog in the Savage Love Letter of the Day: “Men don’t move through their lives
deflecting near-constant unwanted sexual attention, we aren’t subjected to epidemic levels of sexual
violence, and consequently we don’t live with the daily fear that we could be the victims of sexual vio-
lence at any time and in any place.” So a man on the receiving end of your behavior—even a man who felt
annoyed, offended, or threatened—is going to experience your actions very differently than a woman
subjected to the same actions by a man. A man is unlikely to feel threatened; a woman is unlikely to feel
anything else.
While the men you’ve done this to seemed to enjoy it—and we only have your word to go on—that
doesn’t make your subway perving okay. There are definitely men out there, TRAIN, who would be up-
set and/or angered by your actions. Me, for instance—and not (just) because I’m gay. (I don’t like being
hugged by strangers. I would hate being humped by a random perv on the train.) There are also men out
there who have been the victims of sexual violence—far, far fewer men than women, of course, but you
can’t tell by looking at a guy whether he’d be traumatized by your opportunistic attentions. Even if your
hump-dar (like gaydar, but for humping) was perfect and you never did this to a man who didn’t enjoy it,
you’re normalizing sexual assault on subways and buses, TRAIN, thereby making these spaces less safe
for women than they already are. Knock it the fuck off.
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eugeneweekly.com • December 14, 2017
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