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About Eugene weekly. (Eugene, Oregon) 1993-current | View Entire Issue (May 18, 2017)
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY BY R O B B R E Z S N Y ARIES (March 21-April 19): “A two-year-old kid is like using a blender, but you don’t have a top for it,” said comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Would you like to avoid a scenario like that, Aries? Would you prefer not to see what happens if your life has resemblances to turning on a topless blender that’s full of ingredients? Yes? Then please find the top and put it on! And if you can’t locate the proper top, use a dinner plate or newspaper or pizza box. OK? It’s not too late. Even if the blender is already spewing almond milk and banana fragments and protein powder all over the ceiling. Better late than never! TAURUS (April 20-May 20): My pregnant friend Myrna is determined to avoid giving birth via Caesarean section. She believes that the best way for her son to enter the world is by him doing the hard work of squeezing through the narrow birth canal. That struggle will fortify his willpower and mobilize him to summon equally strenuous efforts in response to future challenges. It’s an interesting theory. I suggest you consider it as you contemplate how you’re going to get yourself reborn. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I invite you to try the following meditation: Picture yourself filling garbage bags with stuff that reminds you of what you used to be and don’t want to be any more. Add anything that feels like decrepit emotional baggage or that serves as a worn-out psychological crutch. When you’ve gathered up all the props and accessories that demoralize you, imagine yourself going to a beach where you build a big bonfire and hurl your mess into the flames. As you dance around the conflagration, exorcise the voices in your head that tell you boring stories about yourself. Sing songs that have as much power to relieve and release you as a spectacular orgasm. CANCER (June 21-July 22): In normal times, your guardian animal ally might be the turtle, crab, seahors or manta ray. But in the next three weeks, it’s the cockroach. This unfairly maligned creature is legendary for its power to thrive in virtually any environment and I think you will have a similar resourcefulness. Like the cock- roach, you will do more than merely cope with awkward adventures and complicated transitions; you will flour- ish. One caution: It’s possible that your adaptability may bother people who are less flexible and enterprising than you. To keep that from being a problem, be empathetic as you help them adapt. (P.S. Your temporary animal ally is exceptionally well-groomed. Cockroaches clean themselves as much as cats do.) LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Lady Jane Grey was crowned Queen of England in July 1553, but she ruled for just nine days before being deposed. I invite you to think back to a time in your own past when victory was short-lived. Maybe you accomplished a gratifying feat after an arduous struggle, only to have it quickly eclipsed by a twist of fate. Perhaps you finally made it into the limelight but then lost your audience to a distracting brouhaha. But here’s the good news: Whatever it was — a temporary triumph? incomplete success? nullified conquest? — you will soon have a chance to find redemption for it. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): While shopping at a funky yard sale, I found the torn-off cover of a book titled You’re a Genius and I Can Prove It. Sadly, the rest of the book was not available. Later I searched for it in online bookstores and found it was out of-print. That’s unfortunate, because now would be an excellent time for you to peruse a text like this. Why? Because you need specific, detailed evidence of how unique and compelling you are — concrete data that will provide an antidote to your habitual self-doubts and consecrate your growing sense of self-worth. Here’s what I suggest you do: Write an essay entitled “I’m an Interesting Character and Here’s the Proof.” I Saw You I T ’ S F R E E T O P L AC E A N I S AW YO U ! E M A I L : I S AW YO U @ E U G E N E W E E K LY.C O M D AT I N G S E R V I C E S ***SPRING FLING?!*** A nice time and sensuality is just a call away. Travelers most welcome! Sorry, no blocked calls. Tia 541-870-6127. I S AW YOU AMAZING RACE CLUE Happy Birthday M! Clue: gade ak anpil atansyon Jwenn 5 diferan desen plak machin Oregon FAMILY ties in satin ribbons and bows, flow red and gold always amour you (son) Ma I SAW YOU I SAW YOU IN THE PEARL DISTRICT, trying hard to make soft great again. you wore a white dress and a white sun hat with a red ribbon. Your big eyes had me mesmerized. Our conversation went in dif- ferent directions, but always came full cir- cle. Let’s be spontaneous. I SAW YOU 5:25PM TUESDAY May 9 northbound on Donald. Brown hair, specs. Red Chevy, license plate — well, YOU know it, don’t you?! Yep, you were talking on your cellphone while driving. Endangering everyone else on the roadway with your illegal, selfish behavior. I’m just so glad nothing bad’s happened to you or because of you. Yet? Please reconsider I SAW YOU and the sight of you eased my heart and i missed you but then you had things to say that told me you can never let me have a clean slate. Your words are like razor blades and the wounds will heal but the scars will always show . i wish we could just do the laundry and get it all clean i miss you Huckelberry love your Beadqueen HAPPY BIRTHDAY RE: CONNECTOR REFLEKTOR Again. If UR from West Sonoma the Eugene Weekly office has my information. Simple. Let me know and I’ll meet U there. Eternally T- Thanks for letting me pet your dog. Your handshake and short visit was much appreciated. I liked your white gloves and long skirt. WE’LL HAVE BREAKFAST IN THE ALVORD DESERT Find a view near Millican Take in First Thursday in the Pearl District Ready to be spontaneous? HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! We love you! TO THE BEST BOY IN THE WORLD! Love, Auntie K and Runks a photo sharing space @earsnaps Got myself a new hat! Fits quite nice, don't ya think! LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Leonardo da Vinci wrote a bestiary, an odd little book in which he drew moral con- clusions from the behavior of animals. One of his descriptions will be useful for you to contemplate in the near future. It was centered on what he called the “wild ass,” which we might refer to as an undomesticated donkey. Leonardo said that this beast, “going to the fountain to drink and finding the water muddy, is never too thirsty to wait until it becomes clear before satisfying himself.” That’s a useful fable to contemplate, Libra. Be patient as you go in search of what’s pure and clean and good for you. (The translation from the Italian is by Oliver Evans.) SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): My friend Allie works as a matchmaker. She has an instinctive skill at reading the potential chemistry between people. One of her key strategies is to urge her clients to write mission statements. “What would your ideal marriage look like?” she asks them. Once they have clarified what they want, the process of finding a mate seems to become easier and more fun. In accordance with the astrological omens, Scorpio, I suggest you try this exercise — even if you are already in a committed relationship. It’s an excellent time to get very specific about the inspired togetherness you’re willing to work hard to create. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In ancient Greek myth, Tiresias was a prophet who could draw useful revela- tions by interpreting the singing of birds. Spirits of the dead helped him devise his prognostications, too. He was in constant demand for revelations about the future. But his greatest claim to fame was the fact that a goddess magically transformed him into a woman for seven years. After that, he could speak with authority about how both genders experienced the world. This enhanced his wisdom immeasurably, adding to his oracular power. Are you interested in a less drastic but highly educational lesson, Sagittarius? Would you like to see life from a very different perspective from the one you’re accustomed to? It’s available to you if you want it. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “You remind me of the parts of myself that I will never have a chance to meet,” writes poet Mariah Gordon-Dyke, addressing a lover. Have you ever felt like saying that to a beloved ally, Capricorn? If so, I have good news: You now have an opportunity to meet and greet parts of yourself that have previously been hidden from you — aspects of your deep soul that up until now you may only have caught glimpses of. Celebrate this homecoming! AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I predict that you won’t be bitten by a dog or embarrassed by a stain or pounced on by a lawyer. Nor will you lose your keys or get yelled at by a friend or oversleep for a big appointment. On the contrary! I think you’ll be wise to expect the best. The following events are quite possible: You may be complimented by a person who’s in a position to help you. You could be invited into a place that had previously been off-limits. While eavesdropping, you might pick up a useful clue and while daydreaming you could recover an important memory you’d lost. Good luck like this is even more likely to sweep into your life if you work on ripening the most immature part of your personality. Use the hashtag #ewexposure for a chance to be featured in EW. ANALOG BARBERSHOP WA LK-INS A LWAYS O P E N 7 DAYS PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Time out. It’s intermission. Give yourself permission to be spacious and slow. Then, when you’re sweetly empty — this may take a few days — seek out experiences that appeal primarily to your wild and tender heart as opposed to your wild and jumpy mind. Just forget about the theories you believe in and the ideas you regard as central to your philosophy of life. Instead, work on developing brisk new approaches to your relationship with your feelings. Like what? Become more conscious of them, for example. Express gratitude for what they teach you. Boost your trust for their power to reveal what your mind sometimes hides from you. HOMEWORK: Imagine what your life would be like if you even partially licked your worst fear. Describe this new world. FreeWillAstrology.com GO TO REALASTROLOGY.COM CHECK OUT EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES AND DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES. 34 May 18, 2017 • eugeneweekly.com 860 OLIVE ST. IN EUGEN E (541) 510-5668 read us online at eugeneweekly.com
