FREE WILL
ASTROLOGY
BY R O B B R E Z S N Y
ARIES (March 21-April 19): “A two-year-old kid is like using a blender, but you don’t have a top for it,” said
comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Would you like to avoid a scenario like that, Aries? Would you prefer not to see what
happens if your life has resemblances to turning on a topless blender that’s full of ingredients? Yes? Then
please find the top and put it on! And if you can’t locate the proper top, use a dinner plate or newspaper or pizza
box. OK? It’s not too late. Even if the blender is already spewing almond milk and banana fragments and protein
powder all over the ceiling. Better late than never!
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): My pregnant friend Myrna is determined to avoid giving birth via Caesarean
section. She believes that the best way for her son to enter the world is by him doing the hard work of squeezing
through the narrow birth canal. That struggle will fortify his willpower and mobilize him to summon equally
strenuous efforts in response to future challenges. It’s an interesting theory. I suggest you consider it as you
contemplate how you’re going to get yourself reborn.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I invite you to try the following meditation: Picture yourself filling garbage bags
with stuff that reminds you of what you used to be and don’t want to be any more. Add anything that feels like
decrepit emotional baggage or that serves as a worn-out psychological crutch. When you’ve gathered up all the
props and accessories that demoralize you, imagine yourself going to a beach where you build a big bonfire
and hurl your mess into the flames. As you dance around the conflagration, exorcise the voices in your head
that tell you boring stories about yourself. Sing songs that have as much power to relieve and release you as a
spectacular orgasm.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): In normal times, your guardian animal ally might be the turtle, crab, seahors or
manta ray. But in the next three weeks, it’s the cockroach. This unfairly maligned creature is legendary for its
power to thrive in virtually any environment and I think you will have a similar resourcefulness. Like the cock-
roach, you will do more than merely cope with awkward adventures and complicated transitions; you will flour-
ish. One caution: It’s possible that your adaptability may bother people who are less flexible and enterprising
than you. To keep that from being a problem, be empathetic as you help them adapt. (P.S. Your temporary animal
ally is exceptionally well-groomed. Cockroaches clean themselves as much as cats do.)
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Lady Jane Grey was crowned Queen of England in July 1553, but she ruled for just nine
days before being deposed. I invite you to think back to a time in your own past when victory was short-lived.
Maybe you accomplished a gratifying feat after an arduous struggle, only to have it quickly eclipsed by a twist
of fate. Perhaps you finally made it into the limelight but then lost your audience to a distracting brouhaha. But
here’s the good news: Whatever it was — a temporary triumph? incomplete success? nullified conquest? — you
will soon have a chance to find redemption for it.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): While shopping at a funky yard sale, I found the torn-off cover of a book titled
You’re a Genius and I Can Prove It. Sadly, the rest of the book was not available. Later I searched for it in online
bookstores and found it was out of-print. That’s unfortunate, because now would be an excellent time for you
to peruse a text like this. Why? Because you need specific, detailed evidence of how unique and compelling
you are — concrete data that will provide an antidote to your habitual self-doubts and consecrate your growing
sense of self-worth. Here’s what I suggest you do: Write an essay entitled “I’m an Interesting Character and
Here’s the Proof.”
I Saw You
I T ’ S F R E E T O P L AC E A N I S AW YO U ! E M A I L : I S AW YO U @ E U G E N E W E E K LY.C O M
D AT I N G S E R V I C E S
***SPRING FLING?!***
A nice time and sensuality is just a call
away. Travelers most welcome! Sorry, no
blocked calls. Tia 541-870-6127.
I S AW YOU
AMAZING RACE CLUE
Happy Birthday M!
Clue: gade ak anpil atansyon
Jwenn 5 diferan desen plak machin
Oregon
FAMILY
ties in satin ribbons
and bows, flow
red and gold always amour you (son)
Ma
I SAW YOU
I SAW YOU IN THE PEARL DISTRICT,
trying hard to make soft great again.
you wore a white dress and a white sun hat
with a red ribbon. Your big eyes had me
mesmerized. Our conversation went in dif-
ferent directions, but always came full cir-
cle. Let’s be spontaneous.
I SAW YOU 5:25PM TUESDAY
May 9 northbound on Donald. Brown hair,
specs. Red Chevy, license plate — well, YOU
know it, don’t you?! Yep, you were talking
on your cellphone while driving.
Endangering everyone else on the roadway
with your illegal, selfish behavior. I’m just
so glad nothing bad’s happened to you or
because of you. Yet? Please reconsider
I SAW YOU
and the sight of you eased my heart and i
missed you but then you had things to say
that told me you can never let me have a
clean slate. Your words are like razor blades
and the wounds will heal but the scars will
always show . i wish we could just do the
laundry and get it all clean i miss you
Huckelberry love your Beadqueen
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
RE: CONNECTOR REFLEKTOR
Again. If UR from West Sonoma the Eugene
Weekly office has my information. Simple.
Let me know and I’ll meet U there. Eternally
T- Thanks for letting me pet your dog. Your
handshake and short visit was much
appreciated. I liked your white gloves and
long skirt.
WE’LL HAVE BREAKFAST IN THE
ALVORD DESERT
Find a view near Millican
Take in First Thursday in the Pearl District
Ready to be spontaneous?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! We love you!
TO THE BEST BOY IN THE WORLD!
Love, Auntie K and Runks
a photo sharing space
@earsnaps Got myself a new
hat! Fits quite nice, don't ya
think!
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Leonardo da Vinci wrote a bestiary, an odd little book in which he drew moral con-
clusions from the behavior of animals. One of his descriptions will be useful for you to contemplate in the near
future. It was centered on what he called the “wild ass,” which we might refer to as an undomesticated donkey.
Leonardo said that this beast, “going to the fountain to drink and finding the water muddy, is never too thirsty to
wait until it becomes clear before satisfying himself.” That’s a useful fable to contemplate, Libra. Be patient as
you go in search of what’s pure and clean and good for you. (The translation from the Italian is by Oliver Evans.)
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): My friend Allie works as a matchmaker. She has an instinctive skill at reading the
potential chemistry between people. One of her key strategies is to urge her clients to write mission statements.
“What would your ideal marriage look like?” she asks them. Once they have clarified what they want, the process
of finding a mate seems to become easier and more fun. In accordance with the astrological omens, Scorpio, I
suggest you try this exercise — even if you are already in a committed relationship. It’s an excellent time to get
very specific about the inspired togetherness you’re willing to work hard to create.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In ancient Greek myth, Tiresias was a prophet who could draw useful revela-
tions by interpreting the singing of birds. Spirits of the dead helped him devise his prognostications, too. He was
in constant demand for revelations about the future. But his greatest claim to fame was the fact that a goddess
magically transformed him into a woman for seven years. After that, he could speak with authority about how
both genders experienced the world. This enhanced his wisdom immeasurably, adding to his oracular power. Are
you interested in a less drastic but highly educational lesson, Sagittarius? Would you like to see life from a very
different perspective from the one you’re accustomed to? It’s available to you if you want it.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “You remind me of the parts of myself that I will never have a chance to
meet,” writes poet Mariah Gordon-Dyke, addressing a lover. Have you ever felt like saying that to a beloved ally,
Capricorn? If so, I have good news: You now have an opportunity to meet and greet parts of yourself that have
previously been hidden from you — aspects of your deep soul that up until now you may only have caught
glimpses of. Celebrate this homecoming!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I predict that you won’t be bitten by a dog or embarrassed by a stain or pounced
on by a lawyer. Nor will you lose your keys or get yelled at by a friend or oversleep for a big appointment. On
the contrary! I think you’ll be wise to expect the best. The following events are quite possible: You may be
complimented by a person who’s in a position to help you. You could be invited into a place that had previously
been off-limits. While eavesdropping, you might pick up a useful clue and while daydreaming you could recover
an important memory you’d lost. Good luck like this is even more likely to sweep into your life if you work on
ripening the most immature part of your personality.
Use the hashtag
#ewexposure
for a chance to be featured in EW.
ANALOG
BARBERSHOP
WA LK-INS A LWAYS
O P E N 7 DAYS
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Time out. It’s intermission. Give yourself permission to be spacious and slow.
Then, when you’re sweetly empty — this may take a few days — seek out experiences that appeal primarily
to your wild and tender heart as opposed to your wild and jumpy mind. Just forget about the theories you
believe in and the ideas you regard as central to your philosophy of life. Instead, work on developing brisk new
approaches to your relationship with your feelings. Like what? Become more conscious of them, for example.
Express gratitude for what they teach you. Boost your trust for their power to reveal what your mind sometimes
hides from you.
HOMEWORK: Imagine what your life would be like if you even partially licked your worst fear. Describe this
new world. FreeWillAstrology.com
GO TO REALASTROLOGY.COM
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