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About Eugene weekly. (Eugene, Oregon) 1993-current | View Entire Issue (July 14, 2011)
of such a beverage let the people of the world know (Four Loko was also distributed in the Netherlands) that here in America we aren’t afraid to mix our uppers with our downers. We aren’t chained to the classic vodka and Red Bull. We don’t have to drink our coffee and then drink our beer. Drinking the old Four Lokos was the ultimate post-postmodern statement. Consumers lifting a Loko to their lips were in a sense saying — “Hey, everything’s been done before, the only respect- able new life will come from great fusions, the eclectic mixing of powerful forces, and I cham- pion this!” That we as a people are now stripped of this right and further demeaned by the imposturous replacement of the original Four Loko is a sad sign of where we are headed as a culture. This is not what the U.S. is about; this is not freedom. The Tea Party, I suspect, may have had some- thing to do with this gross abuse of our God- given rights, or perhaps it was Obama? The socialists? The Russians? At any rate, this naked and unchecked aggression could not go unanswered. Concerned citizens were compelled to act — they got loko, and they did it solo — from the ground up. THE LOKED-OUT FUTURE Reporting from Eugene, Oregon’s Whiteaker neigh- borhood — At an undisclosed location, concerned home brewers fought back against the socialist flip- flopping-crypto-fascist-Loko-grabbing power structure oppressing us all. A truly pioneering and grassroots approach was taken, though not without concern for the environment. These local brewers, who prefer to remain name- less, concocted their political protest in the form of what they call the Organic Free Trade Cinco Four One Loco. An alcoholic beverage that fuses homemade malt liquor brewed from Turbo Yeast, organic free- trade yerba mate and generic grape drink (pronounced “drank”) with a whopping 16-percent alcohol content dwarfing the Four Loko’s 11 percent platform, the Cinco Four One Loco goes the extra mile. The greener approach of using yerba mate, a drink that nullifies the infamous caffeine crash, makes this beverage even more friendly. Witnessing the first official batch ever brewed could not have been far from the feeling onlookers had while watching the Titanic leave port to embark upon its epic journey. A test subject was presented, and great care was taken to see that this man did not meet the same fate as many others who have tangled with the Loko in full form. A trained medical profes- sional (who also chose to remain nameless) was on hand; jugs of water were kept close; an adult diaper was provided and used. After ingesting the initial 22 ounces of Cinco Four One Loco, the subject appeared lucid yet jovial. After another 22 ounces, he became more kinesthetically adventurous. He began to speak on government corruption, the oppression of free speech and perhaps outdoing rap star Ricosauve’s Four Loko anthem with his own song. His sentiments became even more funda- mentally American. Though the subject was then taken to a differ- ent location and away from the eyes of the press to ingest and decipher the effects of yet more usage, there was no indication that the Cinco Four One Loco was at all dangerous or harmful when (of course) used responsibly. That it smells a bit like a rotten egg and tastes like Kool-Aid mixed with raw green tea is a fault that I am sure will be remedied with the next batch. As the test subject departed with his designated driver to enjoy a more loko evening, it became clear this was the next evolution in the American energy drink. Not only can we be a freedom-loving people with our bombs-bursting-in-air culture of monster trucks and HDTV, we can also be concerned and politically active members of that culture. We can make our malt liquor energy drinks green, eco-friendly and more powerful than the corporate overlords. Yes we can. Yes we can. ■ Papa’s Soul Food Kitchen Wants Yo’ BIG ASS To... EAT SOUL FOOD! LUNCH DINNER CATERING Tues-Fri 12-2 & 5-10pm Sat 2-10pm 400 Blair Blvd. 342-7500 Santa Clara Smoke Shop Eugene’s Premiere Supplier of Local Discount Glass! Vaporizers, Hookahs, Cigars, RYO Tobacco, Wraps, Grinders and More! Plus, Local Glass from over 30 Eugene Artists! 541-654-5772 Mon-Sat. 10-7pm On the Corner of Irving & River Rd in Eugene Behind the Shell Station www.santaclarasmokeshop.com www.eugeneweekly.com THE STATE OF SUDS 2011 13
