of such a beverage let the people of the world
know (Four Loko was also distributed in the
Netherlands) that here in America we aren’t
afraid to mix our uppers with our downers. We
aren’t chained to the classic vodka and Red
Bull. We don’t have to drink our coffee and then
drink our beer.
Drinking the old Four Lokos was the ultimate
post-postmodern statement. Consumers lifting a
Loko to their lips were in a sense saying — “Hey,
everything’s been done before, the only respect-
able new life will come from great fusions, the
eclectic mixing of powerful forces, and I cham-
pion this!”
That we as a people are now stripped of this
right and further demeaned by the imposturous
replacement of the original Four Loko is a sad
sign of where we are headed as a culture. This is
not what the U.S. is about; this is not freedom.
The Tea Party, I suspect, may have had some-
thing to do with this gross abuse of our God-
given rights, or perhaps it was Obama? The
socialists? The Russians? At any rate, this naked and
unchecked aggression could not go unanswered.
Concerned citizens were compelled to act — they got
loko, and they did it solo — from the ground up.
THE LOKED-OUT FUTURE
Reporting from Eugene, Oregon’s Whiteaker neigh-
borhood — At an undisclosed location, concerned
home brewers fought back against the socialist flip-
flopping-crypto-fascist-Loko-grabbing power structure
oppressing us all. A truly pioneering and grassroots
approach was taken, though not without concern for
the environment.
These local brewers, who prefer to remain name-
less, concocted their political protest in the form of
what they call the Organic Free Trade Cinco Four One
Loco. An alcoholic beverage that fuses homemade
malt liquor brewed from Turbo Yeast, organic free-
trade yerba mate and generic grape drink (pronounced
“drank”) with a whopping 16-percent alcohol content
dwarfing the Four Loko’s 11 percent platform, the
Cinco Four One Loco goes the extra mile. The greener
approach of using yerba mate, a drink that nullifies the
infamous caffeine crash, makes this beverage even
more friendly.
Witnessing the first official batch ever brewed could
not have been far from the feeling onlookers had while
watching the Titanic leave port to embark upon
its epic journey.
A test subject was presented, and great care
was taken to see that this man did not meet the
same fate as many others who have tangled with
the Loko in full form. A trained medical profes-
sional (who also chose to remain nameless) was
on hand; jugs of water were kept close; an adult
diaper was provided and used.
After ingesting the initial 22 ounces of Cinco
Four One Loco, the subject appeared lucid yet
jovial. After another 22 ounces, he became more
kinesthetically adventurous. He began to speak
on government corruption, the oppression of
free speech and perhaps outdoing rap star
Ricosauve’s Four Loko anthem with his own
song. His sentiments became even more funda-
mentally American.
Though the subject was then taken to a differ-
ent location and away from the eyes of the press
to ingest and decipher the effects of yet more
usage, there was no indication that the Cinco Four
One Loco was at all dangerous or harmful when (of
course) used responsibly. That it smells a bit like a rotten
egg and tastes like Kool-Aid mixed with raw green tea is
a fault that I am sure will be remedied with the next batch.
As the test subject departed with his designated
driver to enjoy a more loko evening, it became clear
this was the next evolution in the American energy
drink. Not only can we be a freedom-loving people
with our bombs-bursting-in-air culture of monster
trucks and HDTV, we can also be concerned and
politically active members of that culture. We can
make our malt liquor energy drinks green, eco-friendly
and more powerful than the corporate overlords.
Yes we can. Yes we can. ■
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THE STATE OF SUDS 2011 13