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About Eugene weekly. (Eugene, Oregon) 1993-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 29, 2005)
ing that fresh steelhead will be a regular item on the hospital menu. Lane County Commissioners passed a tax on the homeless to pay for increased prosecution and law enforcement. The Homeless Income Tax (HIT) will take a cut of panhandler revenue. District Attorney Doug Harcleroad could not be reached for comment as he was still on paid sab- batical in Hawaii, following a workers’ compen- sation claim related to job stress. After securing the Democratic nomination for governor, Ted Kulongoski announced at a press conference, “Ha ha, fooled you, I’m real- ly a Republican.” The governor then jumped behind an American flag on the stage, wrapped it around himself and explained that he could- n’t answer questions because he was running late for another support-the troops event. JUNE After six months of negotiations, West Eugene Parkway supporters finally agree to talk about a discussion concerning communi- cating about negotiating a facilitated conversa- tion about mediating a dispute concerning a compromise on an agreement to possibly men- tion alternatives to discussing the freeway through the wetlands. Spring flooding, combined with a dam fail- ure on the Willamette, washes away the entire construction site at PeaceHealth’s RiverBend site. Unfettered hospital administrators decide to rebuild on the same site on pillars above the water, renaming it RiverBottom, and announc- In a stunning rever- sal, the UO announces that the 600 tenants of its Westmoreland Family Housing com- plex do not have to move out by the end of the month. Rather than sell the low-rent apart- ments in order to buy more expensive land close to campus, the UO has decided to sell President Dave Frohnmayer’s $1.2 million mansion to fund future real estate purchases. Tenants are given a free year’s rent for their trouble. Frohnmayer and his family move into Westmoreland. JULY A new local environmental group has formed to support building the West Eugene Parkway through endangered butterfly habitat. Eugene Lepidopterists for Freeways (ELF) say they support the freeway because windshield splatter will allow them to easily collect and observe otherwise hard-to-get endangered specimens without the need for nets. Local developer Bull Dozermeechi denied that he was bankrolling the group’s full-page ads. AUGUST The U.S. Forest Service has launched a new public service campaign to fight forest fires. Featuring a chainsaw-wielding bear, the ads include the motto, “Only loggers can prevent forest fires. Stumps don’t burn.” U.S. Forest Service Chief Mark Rey announces that, thanks to the Healthy Forest Initiative, there hasn’t been a single forest fire on public lands all season. Doug Heiken of the Oregon Natural Resources Council notes that the lack of fires may relate to the fact that all of the trees in public forests have been logged. OPB producer Eric Cain follows up with a doc- umentary about the ecological merits of clear- cutting. The counter-culture desert rave known as Burning Man announces that it’s finally kick- ing its fossil fuel dependency. No more stinky generators, kerosene-drenched effigies or diesel-tootin’ art cars. Instead, this year’s festi- val will feature geothermal-powered lava tubes, wind-driven art cars and solar-powered speak- ers. Sweaty strung-out ravers with excess chemical energy will power stationary bikes hooked up to a turbine. To reflect the new focus on alternative energy, and to calm down uppity feminists who take issue with “The Man,” the festival will officially change its name to Solar Human. Eugene’s Sweet Potato Pie decides to fran- chise and go public. The IPO generates $50 million, the store’s advertising models hire New York agents, and within two weeks unau- thorized Sweetie Potatoe Pie shops pop up all over China, Russia and India. Hemp clothing sales soar worldwide. SEPTEMBER The Eugene School Board has finally resolved the local school choice debate. The board announced that rich white kids had clear- ly chosen the choice system and poor minority kids had clearly not. Therefore, the district would split into two school districts, 4J and 3K. The 4J district will include choice schools with small class sizes, heavy private funding and elite white kids. The 3K district will have larg- er classes, virtually no private funding and teachers struggling with the most challenging poor, minority and disabled kids. Springfield School District announces that 10th grade biology classes will teach evolution- ary theory in tandem with intelligent design theories, including the Christian story of Adam and Eve, the Mayan story of Tepeu and Gucumatz, the Scandinavian story of Ask and Embla, and the Corvallis story of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The rest of the curriculum, involving scientific mumbo-jumbo such as photosynthesis and mitosis, will be scrapped. Developer Willie Woolly has acquired an interest in the infamous Aster’s Hole. Publisher and developer Ed Aster left his hole behind after he tore down the Woolworth’s building on Willamette near Broadway and left an ugly pit behind for five years. Woolly said he’s thinking of rebuilding the Woolworth’s because he likes The city of Oakridge converts an old ware- house into a combination homeless shelter, art studios and community center. The project is financed by a thriving non-profit soup kitchen that feeds not only the homeless but also local residents. The successful operation becomes a national model. Eugene councilors cry foul. Local ambulance companies, anticipating traffic gridlock to Eugene’s and Springfield’s far northern hospitals, announce plans to use jet boats to get patients past traffic gridlock. Both hospitals design docks and canals for better access. Record sales of motorboats to ailing senior citizens reported. COUPON EXPIRES 1/4/06 NNEW YEAR SPECIALN - Self Defense & Self Control and Improvement - • FREE Private Lesson & Membership • FREE Uniform ($50 value) Grand Master LEE will help you and your family’s health and happiness! • 9th Degree Black Belt • Over 40 years experience in Martial Arts • Honorable U.S. Army Lieutenant Colonel 344-2715 • 771 Willamette St. • Downtown Eugene U.S. TAEKWONDO COLLEGE DECEMBER 29, 2005 13
