ing that fresh steelhead
will be a regular item on
the hospital menu.
Lane County Commissioners passed a tax on
the homeless to pay for increased prosecution
and law enforcement. The Homeless Income
Tax (HIT) will take a cut of panhandler revenue.
District Attorney Doug Harcleroad could not be
reached for comment as he was still on paid sab-
batical in Hawaii, following a workers’ compen-
sation claim related to job stress.
After securing the Democratic nomination
for governor, Ted Kulongoski announced at a
press conference, “Ha ha, fooled you, I’m real-
ly a Republican.” The governor then jumped
behind an American flag on the stage, wrapped
it around himself and explained that he could-
n’t answer questions because he was running
late for another support-the troops event.
JUNE
After six months of negotiations, West
Eugene Parkway supporters finally agree to
talk about a discussion concerning communi-
cating about negotiating a facilitated conversa-
tion about mediating a dispute concerning a
compromise on an agreement to possibly men-
tion alternatives to discussing the freeway
through the wetlands.
Spring flooding, combined with a dam fail-
ure on the Willamette, washes away the entire
construction site at PeaceHealth’s RiverBend
site. Unfettered hospital administrators decide
to rebuild on the same site on pillars above the
water, renaming it RiverBottom, and announc-
In a stunning rever-
sal, the UO announces
that the 600 tenants of
its
Westmoreland
Family Housing com-
plex do not have to
move out by the end of
the month. Rather than
sell the low-rent apart-
ments in order to buy
more expensive land
close to campus, the UO
has decided to sell
President Dave Frohnmayer’s $1.2 million
mansion to fund future real estate purchases.
Tenants are given a free year’s rent for their
trouble. Frohnmayer and his family move into
Westmoreland.
JULY
A new local environmental group has
formed to support building the West Eugene
Parkway through endangered butterfly habitat.
Eugene Lepidopterists for Freeways (ELF) say
they support the freeway because windshield
splatter will allow them to easily collect and
observe otherwise hard-to-get endangered
specimens without the need for nets. Local
developer Bull Dozermeechi denied that he
was bankrolling the group’s full-page ads.
AUGUST
The U.S. Forest Service has launched a new
public service campaign to fight forest fires.
Featuring a chainsaw-wielding bear, the ads
include the motto, “Only loggers can prevent
forest fires. Stumps don’t burn.”
U.S. Forest Service Chief Mark Rey
announces that, thanks to the Healthy Forest
Initiative, there hasn’t been a single forest fire
on public lands all season. Doug Heiken of the
Oregon Natural Resources Council notes that
the lack of fires may relate to the fact that all of
the trees in public forests have been logged.
OPB producer Eric Cain follows up with a doc-
umentary about the ecological merits of clear-
cutting.
The counter-culture desert rave known as
Burning Man announces that it’s finally kick-
ing its fossil fuel dependency. No more stinky
generators, kerosene-drenched effigies or
diesel-tootin’ art cars. Instead, this year’s festi-
val will feature geothermal-powered lava tubes,
wind-driven art cars and solar-powered speak-
ers. Sweaty strung-out ravers with excess
chemical energy will power stationary bikes
hooked up to a turbine. To reflect the new focus
on alternative energy, and to calm down uppity
feminists who take issue with “The Man,” the
festival will officially change its name to Solar
Human.
Eugene’s Sweet Potato Pie decides to fran-
chise and go public. The IPO generates $50
million, the store’s advertising models hire
New York agents, and within two weeks unau-
thorized Sweetie Potatoe Pie shops pop up all
over China, Russia and India. Hemp clothing
sales soar worldwide.
SEPTEMBER
The Eugene School Board has finally
resolved the local school choice debate. The
board announced that rich white kids had clear-
ly chosen the choice system and poor minority
kids had clearly not. Therefore, the district
would split into two school districts, 4J and 3K.
The 4J district will include choice schools with
small class sizes, heavy private funding and
elite white kids. The 3K district will have larg-
er classes, virtually no private funding and
teachers struggling with the most challenging
poor, minority and disabled kids.
Springfield School District announces that
10th grade biology classes will teach evolution-
ary theory in tandem with intelligent design
theories, including the Christian story of Adam
and Eve, the Mayan story of Tepeu and
Gucumatz, the Scandinavian story of Ask and
Embla, and the Corvallis story of the Flying
Spaghetti Monster. The rest of the curriculum,
involving scientific mumbo-jumbo such as
photosynthesis and mitosis, will be scrapped.
Developer Willie Woolly has acquired an
interest in the infamous Aster’s Hole. Publisher
and developer Ed Aster left his hole behind
after he tore down the Woolworth’s building on
Willamette near Broadway and left an ugly pit
behind for five years. Woolly said he’s thinking
of rebuilding the Woolworth’s because he likes
The city of Oakridge converts an old ware-
house into a combination homeless shelter, art
studios and community center. The project is
financed by a thriving non-profit soup kitchen
that feeds not only the homeless but also local
residents. The successful operation becomes a
national model. Eugene councilors cry foul.
Local ambulance companies, anticipating
traffic gridlock to Eugene’s and Springfield’s
far northern hospitals, announce plans to use jet
boats to get patients past traffic gridlock. Both
hospitals design docks and canals for better
access. Record sales of motorboats to ailing
senior citizens reported.
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