Eugene weekly., April 29, 2004, Page 11, Image 11

NONVIOLENCE A WAY OF LIFE
who’s borrowed something and hasn’t
returned it. One group is talking to a neigh-
bor; the other to a child. The neighbor always
gets more love and respect than the child.”
Rosenberg says it’s that very domination
system that makes it “really hard to see a
child as a neighbor.” Seeing people as
objects through labels we place on them is a
form of myopia that can cut us off from con-
necting at a deeper level.
Rosenberg recounts the time he came
home from work, exhausted from having
tried to mediate between street gangs and
police in East St. Louis, Ill.
“It was very hard. I walked in the back
door and my kids were fighting. I said in
NVC, ‘I need peace. Will you be willing to
postpone this war?’ My eldest son said, ‘Do
you want to talk about it?’ I thought how
cute. In doing so, I dehumanized him. I was
doing the same thing the street gang and
police were doing: not seeing human beings
in each other. Here this human offers listen-
ing to me in distress. I have him labeled my
child.”
He accepted his son’s offer of support,
and says he “listened beautifully while I got
out of my pain.”
Using the word “child” is fine for short-
hand, he says, but “don’t see the person as a
child, or especially, as my child. Extend the
same respect to children as to a 40 year old.”
The same “power with” model can be
applied to the workplace, between manage-
ment and labor. “In Switzerland, I coach peo-
ple in the corporate area,” says Rosenberg.
“We’re trained to tell managers to give praise
and compliments every day, and research
says productivity goes up. But it’s only for a
short time, until people sense the motivation
behind it. That destroys trust in real grati-
tude.”
People want ownership over their jobs,
and the power with model usually results in
greater satisfaction as each individual
achieves greater autonomy.
Balancing that quest for autonomy with
one’s dependency needs is a dance.
Rosenberg says, “We are interdependent; our
well-being is one and the same. I can’t bene-
fit at your expense and you can’t benefit at
my expense.” When people try to take
advantage of others, or try to dominate them,
violence occurs. From a child not wanting to
go to bed to a nation striving for statehood,
the needs are the same.
“If you say to a child, ‘Please get ready
for bed,’ and the child responds, ‘I don’t
want to.’ It’s about autonomy — we can tell
from the child’s tone of voice.”
Rosenberg is a staunch advocate for
Palestinian statehood. He says, “A couple of
days ago I was in Palestine. The concerns of
people there are all about autonomy. They
don’t want others telling them what to do.
Every day, everywhere, there are fights
going on regarding this.”
How we react to someone else’s need for
their own needs and those of others.
“Thoughts such as, ‘Things would be bet-
ter,’ or ‘I would be happier if you would have
taken the trash out, or Bush would get out of
office,’ can deny our own responsibility and
state of being,” he says. “Instead, we can cre-
ate alternative possibilities for meeting our
own and others’ needs. Criticism and blame
can dehumanize the people we’re connecting
with, by holding them responsible for our
anxiety, fear, hurt, pain, sadness, or anger,
turning them into an object that is to be con-
trolled or manipulated with the idea that we
can be relieved of our pain.”
By doing this, we increase violence in the
world. “Power over others breeds resentment
and hurt, fueling cycles of violence,” adds
Dreiling. “The tradition of nonviolence
When people try to take advantage of
others or try to dominate them,
violence occurs.
autonomy, which may come out as anger, is
a matter of conscious choosing. By having
empathy with the other and asking what they
are feeling, we can help the anger dissolve.
We can apply the same empathy to ourselves,
in questioning what unmet need our feelings
are resulting from. To do that, says
Rosenberg, slow down and take your time.
He says, “My son was 12 and had done
something I didn’t like and I was telling
myself to take my time so I could respond to
him in a way that I liked. Meanwhile, his
friends were waiting. He said, ‘Daddy, it’s
taking you such a long time to talk.’ I told
him, ‘Here’s what I can say quickly: ‘Do it
my way or I’ll kick your ass.’ He waited.”
Michael Dreiling, co-founder of the
Oregon Network for Compassionate
Communication (founded in September
2001 and sponsor of Rosenberg’s visit), and
a UO sociology professor, says NVC works
by releasing people from criticism, blame
and judgment, allowing them to connect with
offers an alternative in power with others.”
NVC teaches that when we turn another
human being into an object, “We’ve
removed ourselves from the place of heart
connection and having compassion for that
human being and understanding why they
might be doing what they’re doing,” says
Dreiling.
By getting connected to what is alive in
us at the moment, that consciousness gets us
out of the reactive trap and allows for deeper
understanding to occur at a heart level.
NVC also gets us out of the co-dependent
trap. By checking in with our own feelings
and needs first, we don’t give ourselves away
in the process of trying to understand the
other. In fact, the final part of NVC, the
request, allows us to say “No,” nonviolently.
If someone’s yelling about the dishes,
you can respond, “No, I can’t do the dishes
right now, because I have a need for safety
and right now a strong need for peace. So
I’m going to walk away and take 10 minutes
and then I’ll come back and we can talk
about this.”
In hearing that “no,” says Dreiling, we
can also hear a “yes.”
For example, “Yes, I’m choosing to meet
my own needs for safety, and yes, I am will-
ing to resolve this matter, after my need for
safety has been met.”
Notice the non-dish-doer did not escalate
the matter by yelling back, by calling names,
“Quit yelling at me, you jerk,” or increase the
violence against himself by feeling guilty or
allowing himself to be manipulated.
“The ‘I’m feeling hurt and you’re the
cause’ mentality, or ‘You’re feeling hurt and
I’m bad because I’m the cause’ mentality is
so prevalent in our culture it is difficult to
undo,” says Dreiling. And it creates a cycle
of violence, from domestic violence to com-
munity disputes to international warfare, that
NVC can get us out of.
In fact, NVC reminds us that we have a
deep need to nurture each other, to give, to
care for others — what Rosenberg calls serv-
ing life.
“There’s nothing more enjoyable or natu-
ral for we human beings than contributing to
life and in seeing our power used for life,”
says Rosenberg. “It’s not based on an
abstract belief, but on the innate goodness of
people. I’ve asked children or adults what
you did that made somebody’s life more
wonderful. Now how did it feel when you
realized you have that impact? I’ve asked in
Africa, Asia, and the U.S.: Does anyone
know anything that feels better?”
When we get beyond the image of the
other as enemy, be it a family member, co-
worker, neighbor or nation, and check in
with what the other is needing, says
Rosenberg, “Conflicts are resolved.”
ew
Marshall Rosenberg will hold two workshops in Eugene
on May 7 at Unity of the Valley Church, 3912 Dillard Rd.
Basic Theory and Practice of Nonviolent Communication
8:30 am-12:30 pm, $80-$40 ss; and Nonviolent
Communication For Personal Growth and Healing, 2-6
pm. $80-$40, ss. Registration preferred. Register at
www.orncc.net, or call (503) 450-9909.
A free introduction to Nonviolent Communication with
Michael Dreiling and Lisa-Marie DiVincent will be from
7-9 pm, Friday, April 30, in the EWEB Public Conference
Room.
APRIL 29, 2004 11