Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2013)
3 street roots April 1, 2013 Privileged Cycling United releases a new report A new report presented by the Portland-based Privileged Cycling United says that people that don't bike are inhumane sloths. "Honestly, we're tired of explaining ourselves to everyone who doesn't understand our sensitive needs," said Hans at a press conference and rally. "He who doesn't ride a bike, isn't a he at all." The report outlines that over the past decade there's been a vast conspiracy to demonize bikers that has unfairly left their ranks on the side of the road. "The only thing I fear more than a car, is a person driving a car," says one activist at the rally. "I really think people with cars wake up every morning with the intention of killing all of us. I rea ly do." When a man named Carl questioned the validity of the report on Twitter, more than 4,000 Portland cyclists Twitter-bombed his account calling him a "fascist Ford lover." ©BikePortland was the first and the last to report on the report offering up the "news" organizations' never-ending "opinions" on the matter. Charlie Hales forgets that he's mayor Insiders at City Hall say that 84-year-old Charlie Hales woke up on Monday morning and forgot he was mayor. "There's no need to worry," says one of Hales' three staff members. "He told people all along not to expect the status quo." Hales, who is responsible for introducing Portland's streetcar, also known as the "Horse and Buggy Express," says he's perfectly comfortable forgetting things. "Remember Washington?" "It's not uncommon," says one smug media consultant. "Both Bud Clark and Tom Potter forgot they were mayor on more than one occasion. Sometimes for long stretches." The consultant also says that even former Mayor Sam Adams doesn't "remember" certain details about his first month in office. Hales' three staff declined to give details saying they were so overwhelmed with running the city that they didn't think anything of Charlie not coming to work that day. Sandy Seasons' Extra Chunky Vegan Patties were am ong the products recalled last week after traces o f food were found inside. ‘Horrific’ discovery of food in vegan burgers Mendosa. “We don’t understand how something like this could happen when the product never even comes close to food in he vegan meals industry is reeling the manufacturing process.” from news that vegan burgers The Food and Drug Administration says manufactured in Idaho and sold under a variety of brand names were found to this is an unusual case for it to get involved with, but now that food is involved, they say contain traces of real food. they will put more oversight into the Science Industries International announced a recall of its vegan burgers, sold manufacture and distribution of vegan burgers. under the Griddle Grain and Sandy Seasons Early reports could not confirm what food brand names, earlier this month under substance was found in the patties, but it clams that actual food elements had made was confirmed as edible. Vegan officials, their way into the patties. “It’s horrific,” said SII spokesperson Pilar however, said even though the substance is BY TH EBUY C O N T R IB U T IN G W R IT E R T unknown at this time, shutting down the production at SII was the only sure way to avoid any further contamination. Representatives from the Society of Idaho Food Producers say they too are disgusted w ith th e n ew s th a t so m e of th e ir food w as found in th e S i l ’s p a ttie s. “It’s horrific,” said SIFP President Rudy Meyer. “If we are to avoid these kinds of tragedies in the future, we have to be better stewards over where our food is going and what kind of products it’s getting into.” Portland Police defend $1 billion dollars in overtime pay Thursday morning a Portland police spokesman defended making more than anyone else in Portland after a new report showed that half of the force made more than $250,000 a year. "We have a hard job," says an officer hanging out on his motorcycle during a protest. "We defend the world from itself more or less." Portland Police Commander Reeces Pieces says that the police care about Portland even if only three percent of the force lives here. "Really, the police do everything." Pieces said. "We risk everything." Pieces went on to say that, "The police take care of the young, the old, the homeless, the mentally ill, the drunks, the druggies and the blacks, but most importantly, we take care of ourselves." Dan Handlewoman put together a 12-page report littered with spelling errors in response to a new report. "Lies. They're all lies," Handlewoman wrote. A Justice Department spokesperson said, "We give up. We can't change them." The Mayor told reporters simply "The police work hard," and had no further comments. Police officers who made th e "Quarter-of-a- Million-Dollar-Club," this year were expected to celebrate this month at an undisclosed Harley Davidson shop in the suburbs. "We've got some toys to buy, maybe some guns too," said one officer. more per day, you could feed this cat the food it really wants. *lo cat should go hungry, nor should it have to suffer through inferior offerings. For only 50 cents >re per day, your cat could be enjoying a more flavorful repast, with a holistic blend of fresh tats and organic greens, and no byproducts. Better yet, the grain-free diet keeps cats living to sir potential, well into their golden years. Isn’t that worth 50 cents a day? i oom mnrp at www.couahituDforcats.vak
