3
street roots
April 1, 2013
Privileged Cycling United releases
a new report
A new report presented by the Portland-based
Privileged Cycling United says that people that don't
bike are inhumane sloths.
"Honestly, we're tired of explaining ourselves to
everyone who doesn't understand our sensitive
needs," said Hans at a press conference and rally.
"He who doesn't ride a bike, isn't a he at all."
The report outlines that over the past decade
there's been a vast conspiracy to demonize bikers
that has unfairly left their ranks on the side of the
road.
"The only thing I fear more than a car, is a person
driving a car," says one activist at the rally. "I really
think people with cars wake up every morning with
the intention of killing all of us. I rea ly do."
When a man named Carl questioned the validity
of the report on Twitter, more than 4,000 Portland
cyclists Twitter-bombed his account calling him a
"fascist Ford lover."
©BikePortland was the first and the last to report
on the report offering up the "news" organizations'
never-ending "opinions" on the matter.
Charlie Hales forgets that he's
mayor
Insiders at City Hall say that 84-year-old Charlie
Hales woke up on Monday morning and forgot he
was mayor.
"There's no need to worry," says one of Hales'
three staff members. "He told people all along not to
expect the status quo."
Hales, who is responsible for introducing
Portland's streetcar, also known as the "Horse and
Buggy Express," says he's perfectly comfortable
forgetting things. "Remember Washington?"
"It's not uncommon," says one smug media
consultant. "Both Bud Clark and Tom Potter forgot
they were mayor on more than one occasion.
Sometimes for long stretches."
The consultant also says that even former Mayor
Sam Adams doesn't "remember" certain details
about his first month in office.
Hales' three staff declined to give details saying
they were so overwhelmed with running the city that
they didn't think anything of Charlie not coming to
work that day.
Sandy Seasons' Extra Chunky Vegan Patties were am ong the products recalled last week after traces o f food were found inside.
‘Horrific’ discovery of food in vegan burgers
Mendosa. “We don’t understand how
something like this could happen when the
product never even comes close to food in
he vegan meals industry is reeling
the manufacturing process.”
from news that vegan burgers
The Food and Drug Administration says
manufactured in Idaho and sold under
a variety of brand names were found to this is an unusual case for it to get involved
with, but now that food is involved, they say
contain traces of real food.
they will put more oversight into the
Science Industries International
announced a recall of its vegan burgers, sold manufacture and distribution of vegan
burgers.
under the Griddle Grain and Sandy Seasons
Early reports could not confirm what food
brand names, earlier this month under
substance was found in the patties, but it
clams that actual food elements had made
was confirmed as edible. Vegan officials,
their way into the patties.
“It’s horrific,” said SII spokesperson Pilar however, said even though the substance is
BY TH EBUY
C O N T R IB U T IN G W R IT E R
T
unknown at this time, shutting down the
production at SII was the only sure way to
avoid any further contamination.
Representatives from the Society of Idaho
Food Producers say they too are disgusted
w ith th e n ew s th a t so m e of th e ir food w as
found in th e S i l ’s p a ttie s.
“It’s horrific,” said SIFP President Rudy
Meyer. “If we are to avoid these kinds of
tragedies in the future, we have to be better
stewards over where our food is going and
what kind of products it’s getting into.”
Portland Police defend $1 billion
dollars in overtime pay
Thursday morning a Portland police spokesman
defended making more than anyone else in Portland
after a new report showed that half of the force
made more than $250,000 a year.
"We have a hard job," says an officer hanging
out on his motorcycle during a protest. "We defend
the world from itself more or less."
Portland Police Commander Reeces Pieces says
that the police care about Portland even if only three
percent of the force lives here.
"Really, the police do everything." Pieces said.
"We risk everything."
Pieces went on to say that, "The police take care
of the young, the old, the homeless, the mentally ill,
the drunks, the druggies and the blacks, but most
importantly, we take care of ourselves."
Dan Handlewoman put together a 12-page report
littered with spelling errors in response to a new
report.
"Lies. They're all lies," Handlewoman wrote.
A Justice Department spokesperson said, "We
give up. We can't change them."
The Mayor told reporters simply "The police work
hard," and had no further comments.
Police officers who made th e "Quarter-of-a-
Million-Dollar-Club," this year were expected to
celebrate this month at an undisclosed Harley
Davidson shop in the suburbs.
"We've got some toys to buy, maybe some guns
too," said one officer.
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