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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (May 11, 2012)
♦ ♦ 12 Street roots t’ " i '£ May 11, 2012 A zero-possibility addiction then? There are many without that support — warning signs so we could see the difference C O N T R IB U T IN G C O L U M N IS T and learn about those together? especially the women and men who are We also spoke freely about what support ooking back, I Was addicted to experiencing domestic violence and living would look like to us. First we stated the lack possibilities. I think that kept me outside. of judgmental attitude and victim blaming locked into a 32-year-long pattern of It wouldn’t be fair to say that any domestic would go a hell of a lot further than pursed domestic violence. The names of my partners violence experience is the same, so let’s not. lips and platitudes. Then we decided that and a listing of their sins seems far less I went to heal where I felt safest — to the people experiencing domestic violence who important to me than unraveling my part in community outside. That is how healing live outside have slightly different needs for this hideous slide show of bruises, broken happened for me: Relations let me know I support than others. The domestic violence promises, and ever-increasing humiliations. mattered, and when I finally chose to believe shelters are generally full up and have Why do I say that? Because I have spent them, if occurred to me that I had the barriers that some can’t jump past. (I will the better part of the last six months trying responsibility to remove myself from that also say I have extreme gratitude to those to figure out why this keeps coming up in my situation. But how? same places for the lives they continue to life, and why I thought it was OK to model When that realization happened, I was save.) We simply cannot expect to be saved. busily drowning in the blame game, which this to the people who loved me. Asking We have to solves nothing. However satisfying self- someone who loves you to stand with you participate in our righteous anger can feel in the moment (and while someone puts you in bruises is as own healing. All of us it does),’ it stalls the healing process and is abusive as getting the bruises, in my opinion. There are as many solutions said this. truly hard to be around. For me, that didn’t So first I have to look at the whys. My The need for whys were the honeymoon period after the work. So how could that stop? I went to the as people try in g them? dignity and autonomy place I go when I am hurt, back to the urban bruises that started with teary-eyed, oh-so- this is the one that is is extreme here. We gypsies outside. We decided together that we sincere promises of “no more” and “I love beginning to w ork for nss cannot always get to would help each other heal, because there you.” The “I-will-change possibility” and the lo o kin g in to the faces of a safe space due to* • didn’t seem to be another way. Who knows? “if-only-I-knew possibility” have nearly cost issues of belongings There are as many solutions as people me my life. So I’m pretty clear that concrete, women who have survived being stolen or trying them, but this is the one that is however boring it may seem, is far safer than w ith me and before me, and people telling our beginning to work for us: looking into the the rollercoaster ride of risk and possibility. sittin g down and lo o kin g at partners we are faces of women who have survived with me The simple truth is if I change my script seeking help and why the different needs« and before me, and sitting down and looking and my part in this pattern — if I don’t date on earth would we at the different needs. the same person with a different name — the reach out to someone An end to the blame game is a good start, bruises don’t happen. If I change my part, my we didn’t know or because we figured out that only people who status as a victim of domestic violence trust for help in a have been beaten and degraded learn how to changes to that of a survivor of domestic situation like this. That makes no sense. But beat and degrade. You are only responsible violence. I like the sound of that far better; I „ what if the advocates were members of your for what you know, so we need to learn to get to look in the mirror again and see a change that part so we are free to explore our community, specially trained in mentorship woman instead of a quivering mouse. and advocacy? What would happen then? Who side in things. If there is help for both sides, The reality is I am a woman of great knows, perhaps that might make a difference perhaps healing can occur. privilege. I am a woman who has been if your advocate was someone you already I know, I know. This has probably been surrounded with healthy support and loving knew. What if we all discovered we mattered said before. So what about mentors and free community the whole way through this last enough to look at our own side of things? anger management classes that go to the example of what a woman shouldn’t do. And What if the perpetrators were given the people instead of the people having to go to that support didn’t leave me in any way li^nlinrr nt-irl pbonrfinrf QC I the jail? What if they were free and the only through that experience, even when I left the without fhefyudgme-m and fear? What Would P'5'WgW™? Wghld th a t that look like? Is it even possible? help? Yes, we think it would. What if in every own bad choices. I couldn’t even look at the I’m just saying I think we need to do single space that unhoused folks frequent faces who loved me. something different that is community-driven there were signs posted with the warning Having said that, I now worry about what for the statistics on domestic violence to signs of abuse and the support needed to happens to the person without that same change. What do you think? heal from that experience were listed along privilege. What happens when there isn’t with them? What if the signs of a healthy support or safety, and the person is too relationship were listed right next to the scared to speak or reach out? What happens BY JULIE MCCURDY Julie McCurdy is a Portland poet and writer who has experienced homelessness L M eet Your Local Branch Manager: “C o m m u n itie s a r e n tju s t streets a n d b u ild ings, C om m unities are th r iv in g places where cultures, commerce a n d souls g ro w stronger together, ” - M a ry Mary Edmeades Social Impact Banking 503.445.2155 medmeades^aibinabank.com 1 SS F ÎÎ, At Albina Community Bank the most ordinary financial transaction can have an extraordinary impact on our local community. You’re going to bank somewhere, why not let your banking make a difference in tbe places where you live and work? LENDER r Portland embrace pnusiu diversity www.portlandhearingvoices.net w w w .A m a n d a 2 0 1 2 .com 5 0 3 -9 6 0 -3 7 2 0 Please join m y cam paign! *alssl!>ielill’ls*selslfs'slslsl^ ^
