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12
Street roots
t’ " i '£
May 11, 2012
A zero-possibility addiction
then? There are many without that support — warning signs so we could see the difference
C O N T R IB U T IN G C O L U M N IS T
and learn about those together?
especially the women and men who are
We also spoke freely about what support
ooking back, I Was addicted to
experiencing domestic violence and living
would look like to us. First we stated the lack
possibilities. I think that kept me
outside.
of judgmental attitude and victim blaming
locked into a 32-year-long pattern of
It wouldn’t be fair to say that any domestic
would go a hell of a lot further than pursed
domestic violence. The names of my partners
violence experience is the same, so let’s not.
lips and platitudes. Then we decided that
and a listing of their sins seems far less
I went to heal where I felt safest — to the
people experiencing domestic violence who
important to me than unraveling my part in
community outside. That is how healing
live outside have slightly different needs for
this hideous slide show of bruises, broken
happened for me: Relations let me know I
support than others. The domestic violence
promises, and ever-increasing humiliations.
mattered, and when I finally chose to believe
shelters are generally full up and have
Why do I say that? Because I have spent
them, if occurred to me that I had the
barriers that some can’t jump past. (I will
the better part of the last six months trying
responsibility to remove myself from that
also say I have extreme gratitude to those
to figure out why this keeps coming up in my
situation. But how?
same places for the lives they continue to
life, and why I thought it was OK to model
When that realization happened, I was
save.) We simply cannot expect to be saved.
busily drowning in the blame game, which
this to the people who loved me. Asking
We have to
solves nothing. However satisfying self-
someone who loves you to stand with you
participate in our
righteous anger can feel in the moment (and
while someone puts you in bruises is as
own healing. All of us
it does),’ it stalls the healing process and is
abusive as getting the bruises, in my opinion.
There are as many solutions
said this.
truly hard to be around. For me, that didn’t
So first I have to look at the whys. My
The need for
whys were the honeymoon period after the
work. So how could that stop? I went to the
as people try in g them?
dignity
and
autonomy
place I go when I am hurt, back to the urban
bruises that started with teary-eyed, oh-so-
this is the one that is
is extreme here. We
gypsies outside. We decided together that we
sincere promises of “no more” and “I love
beginning to w ork for nss
cannot always get to
would help each other heal, because there
you.” The “I-will-change possibility” and the
lo o kin g in to the faces of
a safe space due to*
• didn’t seem to be another way. Who knows?
“if-only-I-knew possibility” have nearly cost
issues of belongings
There are as many solutions as people
me my life. So I’m pretty clear that concrete,
women who have survived
being stolen or
trying them, but this is the one that is
however boring it may seem, is far safer than
w ith me and before me, and
people telling our
beginning to work for us: looking into the
the rollercoaster ride of risk and possibility.
sittin g down and lo o kin g at
partners we are
faces of women who have survived with me
The simple truth is if I change my script
seeking help and why the different needs«
and before me, and sitting down and looking
and my part in this pattern — if I don’t date
on earth would we
at the different needs.
the same person with a different name — the
reach out to someone
An end to the blame game is a good start,
bruises don’t happen. If I change my part, my
we didn’t know or
because we figured out that only people who
status as a victim of domestic violence
trust for help in a
have been beaten and degraded learn how to
changes to that of a survivor of domestic
situation like this. That makes no sense. But
beat and degrade. You are only responsible
violence. I like the sound of that far better; I
„ what if the advocates were members of your
for what you know, so we need to learn to
get to look in the mirror again and see a
change that part so we are free to explore our community, specially trained in mentorship
woman instead of a quivering mouse.
and advocacy? What would happen then? Who
side in things. If there is help for both sides,
The reality is I am a woman of great
knows, perhaps that might make a difference
perhaps healing can occur.
privilege. I am a woman who has been
if your advocate was someone you already
I know, I know. This has probably been
surrounded with healthy support and loving
knew. What if we all discovered we mattered
said before. So what about mentors and free
community the whole way through this last
enough to look at our own side of things?
anger management classes that go to the
example of what a woman shouldn’t do. And
What if the perpetrators were given the
people instead of the people having to go to
that support didn’t leave me in any way
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I
the jail? What if they were free and the only
through that experience, even when I left the
without fhefyudgme-m and fear? What Would
P'5'WgW™? Wghld th a t
that look like? Is it even possible?
help? Yes, we think it would. What if in every
own bad choices. I couldn’t even look at the
I’m just saying I think we need to do
single space that unhoused folks frequent
faces who loved me.
something different that is community-driven
there were signs posted with the warning
Having said that, I now worry about what
for the statistics on domestic violence to
signs of abuse and the support needed to
happens to the person without that same
change. What do you think?
heal from that experience were listed along
privilege. What happens when there isn’t
with them? What if the signs of a healthy
support or safety, and the person is too
relationship were listed right next to the
scared to speak or reach out? What happens
BY JULIE MCCURDY
Julie McCurdy is a
Portland poet and
writer who has
experienced
homelessness
L
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