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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2012)
street roots April 1, 2012 Police bureau to absorb human service cuts he Portland Police Bureau is poverty,” says one insider with asking for an additional $5.2 knowledge of the new proposal. “We million dollars in the upcoming learned in high school and community city budget for mental health and social college how these kind of people think. services, saying that if everyone else It’s not pretty.” would just let them be in charge, the city It’s thought that overtime paid to the would be swept clean of crime. police to help addicts and people with “We are tired of being put into the mental health into the criminal justice position of being social workers every system will one day time pay off. “Our day,” says a police spokesperson. “It plan is simple. We catch the bad guys, makes sense that the police budget make them get clean or throw their ass absorb any number of human services in jail. It’s not complicated at all. It’s cuts that will take place. Our track record called public safety. Ever heard of it, speaks for itself.” Street Roots?” After legislators with the State of The new plan is expected to catch at Oregon slashed a number of social least 100 criminals and will help pad the service programs, including assistance pockets of the local district attorney’s for homeless families in exchange for office by tenfold. keeping as many prisons open as Asked how this plan saves the city possible, the Portland Police say it’s time money over time and will help curb the the city followed suit. large amounts of drugs and addiction in “Look, let’s be honest —those pencil the community, one spokesperson said, pushing social workers and doctors with “You just hate the police, don’t you? We the health department don’t have a clue don’t do anything right, do we? This how to deal with people experiencing conversation is over.” T Haters Club form s to ignore Street Roots vendors treet Roots vendors are reporting a new group who has formed in Portland called the “Hater’s Club.” “It’s like when a squirrel notices a hawk,” says one vendor. “They kind of forget how to act and move as fast as they can past us.” One person who is thought to be forming the new Haters Club, says that the best way to deal with Street Roots vendors in the city is to walk fast and ignore the hell out of them. “We work hard for our money,” says one hater. “These guys and gals stand out in the elements 365 days a year hawking a street newspaper. They aren’t working, they are professional beggars pushing a lefty socialist-rag that wants to S destroy the very foundation of the American way.” The Hater’s Club will be meeting on Wednesday nights, before an anti government group that hopes to end governmnt-sponsored fire fighting and dismantle street lights. The group is thought to be an off-shoot of a larger organization who says that we really don’t need bridges to get from one point to another, especially across large bodies of water, like rivers. “You can’t sell a newspaper to get ahead in this world,” says one member of the group. “If we can get enough people engaged to ignore our communities responsibilities, we believe that freedom will prevail.” Free-speech hoodie a win-win Social Darwinist realizes he is alone taking two pills a day, and already I can social Darwinist who believed he see that I am ready for anything, was building an empire of money especially living with a controlling, and success by starting his own company, realizes the rest of the world manipulative, arrogant and self-absorbed husband who believes that people couldn’t give two shits about him or his actually care about anything he says.” products. Tough-Head realized his “I am Man!” “I can’t understand why weak people pills may be in trouble when no one in won’t get behind my new line of Portland actually bought the pills. “Not camouflage survival pills,” says Charles to worry though, I’ve developed a new Tough-Head, “I know that I’m smarter marketing plan aimed for the South and I and more equipped and tougher than believe “I am Man!” will rise again. most of these people who believe in Tough-Head did admit that not having community and group effort. What I can t people purchase the pills has effected his understand is why they don’t want to be moods and he does feel depressed at strong and self-motivated like me. times, but makes sure to note that Tough-Head’s company, “I am M an!” is doesn’t make him “weak” and there’s no offering camouflage survival pills, taken way in hell he’ll ever see a couseler twice day to prepare individuals for about it. anything from living day-to-day in a weak The new line of “I am M an!” is society to being prepared for the end of expected to hit the market in Arkansas times. this summer, with a new tag-line. Strong “I know that when the end of times = Man!” comes, we’ll be ready,” says Submissive Wife, Tough-Head’s partner. “I ’ve been A A woman tries to answer her phone wearing the new “Free Speech Zone Hoodie at a recent demonstration in Downtown Portland. The new “hoodies, which are actually sound proof helmets, are intended to give people the freedom to exercise their First Amendment rights to free speech without disturbing anyone else. Police tested out the helmets last week and said they worked well, although some people had difficulty seeing where they were going and staying on the permitted marching route. A few were lost to side streets. S is te rs Of The Rood c r e a tin g c o m m u n ity , c r e a tin g c h a n g e , t o g e th e r w. .V.W Z.VZ.W .-.-AV.-.V.W .V^.W ^W W .-"A-Z.W .W .V.VW .V, we are— » » hospitality & friendship community change through the Dorothy Day Community School » working together for nonviolence & justice » and don’t forget: fun! , . .. . . Stop h lor o délitions meal. ftonday-Fiiday, lOmil - 130pm EMERGENCY PLAN, from page vomiting,” Normand said, who offered these precautions for Portlanders until water service can be restored: If you run out of stored drinking water, strain and treat water from your water heater or the toilet reservoir tank (except if you use toilet tank cleaners). You cannot drink swimming pool or spa water, but you can use it for flushing toilets or washing. Treatment: Begin by straining any larger particles of dirt by pouring the water through a couple of layers of paper towels or clean cloth. Next, purify the water either by boiling it for 3 to 5 minutes, or using a disinfectant. To disinfect: If the water is clear, add 8 drops of bleach per gallon of water. If it is cloudy, add 16 drops per gallon. Make sure you are using regular bleach rather than ultra or color safe bleaches. Shake or stir, and then let stand for 30 minutes. A slight chlorine taste and smell is normal. SISTERS OF THE ROAD 133 NW 6th Ave. in Portland 503-222-5094 w w w . s is te r s o fth e r o a d .o r g Office Cat Rooty says thank you to everyone for sharing our little joke. Happy April Fools! Thank you!
