street roots
April 1, 2012
Police bureau to absorb human service cuts
he Portland Police Bureau is
poverty,” says one insider with
asking for an additional $5.2
knowledge of the new proposal. “We
million dollars in the upcoming
learned in high school and community
city budget for mental health and social college how these kind of people think.
services, saying that if everyone else
It’s not pretty.”
would just let them be in charge, the city
It’s thought that overtime paid to the
would be swept clean of crime.
police to help addicts and people with
“We are tired of being put into the
mental health into the criminal justice
position of being social workers every
system will one day time pay off. “Our
day,” says a police spokesperson. “It
plan is simple. We catch the bad guys,
makes sense that the police budget
make them get clean or throw their ass
absorb any number of human services
in jail. It’s not complicated at all. It’s
cuts that will take place. Our track record
called public safety. Ever heard of it,
speaks for itself.”
Street Roots?”
After legislators with the State of
The new plan is expected to catch at
Oregon slashed a number of social
least 100 criminals and will help pad the
service programs, including assistance
pockets of the local district attorney’s
for homeless families in exchange for
office by tenfold.
keeping as many prisons open as
Asked how this plan saves the city
possible, the Portland Police say it’s time
money over time and will help curb the
the city followed suit.
large amounts of drugs and addiction in
“Look, let’s be honest —those pencil
the community, one spokesperson said,
pushing social workers and doctors with
“You just hate the police, don’t you? We
the health department don’t have a clue
don’t do anything right, do we? This
how to deal with people experiencing
conversation is over.”
T
Haters Club form s to ignore Street Roots vendors
treet Roots vendors are reporting a
new group who has formed in
Portland called the “Hater’s Club.”
“It’s like when a squirrel notices a
hawk,” says one vendor. “They kind of
forget how to act and move as fast as
they can past us.”
One person who is thought to be
forming the new Haters Club, says that
the best way to deal with Street Roots
vendors in the city is to walk fast and
ignore the hell out of them.
“We work hard for our money,” says
one hater. “These guys and gals stand
out in the elements 365 days a year
hawking a street newspaper. They aren’t
working, they are professional beggars
pushing a lefty socialist-rag that wants to
S
destroy the very foundation of the
American way.”
The Hater’s Club will be meeting on
Wednesday nights, before an anti
government group that hopes to end
governmnt-sponsored fire fighting and
dismantle street lights. The group is
thought to be an off-shoot of a larger
organization who says that we really
don’t need bridges to get from one point
to another, especially across large bodies
of water, like rivers.
“You can’t sell a newspaper to get
ahead in this world,” says one member of
the group. “If we can get enough people
engaged to ignore our communities
responsibilities, we believe that freedom
will prevail.”
Free-speech hoodie a win-win
Social Darwinist realizes he is alone
taking two pills a day, and already I can
social Darwinist who believed he
see that I am ready for anything,
was building an empire of money
especially living with a controlling,
and success by starting his own
company, realizes the rest of the world manipulative, arrogant and self-absorbed
husband who believes that people
couldn’t give two shits about him or his
actually care about anything he says.”
products.
Tough-Head realized his “I am Man!”
“I can’t understand why weak people
pills may be in trouble when no one in
won’t get behind my new line of
Portland actually bought the pills. “Not
camouflage survival pills,” says Charles
to worry though, I’ve developed a new
Tough-Head, “I know that I’m smarter
marketing plan aimed for the South and I
and more equipped and tougher than
believe “I am Man!” will rise again.
most of these people who believe in
Tough-Head did admit that not having
community and group effort. What I can t
people purchase the pills has effected his
understand is why they don’t want to be
moods and he does feel depressed at
strong and self-motivated like me.
times, but makes sure to note that
Tough-Head’s company, “I am M an!” is
doesn’t make him “weak” and there’s no
offering camouflage survival pills, taken
way in hell he’ll ever see a couseler
twice day to prepare individuals for
about it.
anything from living day-to-day in a weak
The new line of “I am M an!” is
society to being prepared for the end of
expected to hit the market in Arkansas
times.
this summer, with a new tag-line. Strong
“I know that when the end of times
= Man!”
comes, we’ll be ready,” says Submissive
Wife, Tough-Head’s partner. “I ’ve been
A
A woman tries to answer her phone wearing the new “Free Speech Zone Hoodie at a recent
demonstration in Downtown Portland. The new “hoodies, which are actually sound proof
helmets, are intended to give people the freedom to exercise their First Amendment rights to free
speech without disturbing anyone else. Police tested out the helmets last week and said they
worked well, although some people had difficulty seeing where they were going and staying on
the permitted marching route. A few were lost to side streets.
S is te rs Of The Rood
c r e a tin g c o m m u n ity ,
c r e a tin g c h a n g e , t o g e th e r
w. .V.W
Z.VZ.W
.-.-AV.-.V.W
.V^.W
^W
W
.-"A-Z.W
.W
.V.VW
.V,
we are—
»
»
hospitality & friendship
community change
through the Dorothy Day
Community School
» working together for
nonviolence & justice
» and don’t forget: fun!
,
. .. .
.
Stop h lor o délitions meal.
ftonday-Fiiday, lOmil - 130pm
EMERGENCY PLAN, from page
vomiting,” Normand said, who offered
these precautions for Portlanders until
water service can be restored: If you run
out of stored drinking water, strain and
treat water from your water heater or the
toilet reservoir tank (except if you use
toilet tank cleaners). You cannot drink
swimming pool or spa water, but you can
use it for flushing toilets or washing.
Treatment: Begin by straining any
larger particles of dirt by pouring the
water through a couple of layers of
paper towels or clean cloth. Next, purify
the water either by boiling it for 3 to 5
minutes, or using a disinfectant.
To disinfect: If the water is clear, add 8
drops of bleach per gallon of water. If it is
cloudy, add 16 drops per gallon. Make
sure you are using regular bleach rather
than ultra or color safe bleaches. Shake
or stir, and then let stand for 30 minutes.
A slight chlorine taste and smell is
normal.
SISTERS
OF THE
ROAD
133 NW 6th Ave. in Portland
503-222-5094
w w w . s is te r s o fth e r o a d .o r g
Office Cat Rooty says thank you
to everyone for sharing our
little joke. Happy April Fools!
Thank you!