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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2012)
street roots 6 April 1, 2012 Portland cedes distinction to Eugene ortland City Council voted yesterday in a unanimous decision to cede the distinction of “America’s Crunchiest City” to Eugene. The title, which serves as a gauge of a city’s hippy-ness, will be passed on to Eugene voters in a November ballot referendum. “Eugene has quietly snuck up behind Portland in terms of crunchiness over the past few years,” said Nick Fish, city commissioner of Portland Parks and Recreation as he took a photo-op with a chicken in a North Portland urban garden. “We could not keep up with the hippy-ness of Eugene. The residents of the city shower an average of five times fewer per week than Portland residents, they grow 10 times more food per capita than Portland’s urban gardeners, and their grass is definitely greener.” The true clinch-point for the transfer of distinction, however, was when officials found out that individuals in Eugene were composting their own pet droppings in order to create electricity.” “I don’t know of many Portlanders who compost their pet’s own waste. I mean, we have a long way to go before we catch up to San Francisco. Looks like Eugene is on to something,” said one composting advocate. “Since learning about the new program, we are in the early stages of planning for the Portland Parks Bureau to accommodate pet waste,” says a parks official. “Once the economy turns around, of course, and we arfe able to open up bathrooms for humans.” “We haven’t given up this fight,” said Fish. “I congratulate the people of Eugene for stripping us of this title, but warn them that Portland will be back to out-crunch their smelly city to the south. Think about all the granola and patchouli we have at our disposal.” P We tip our mugs to Coffee Bean International for donating coffee to Street Roots and keeping our vendors warm in the morning! Thank you! Office Cat Rooty finds a home BY VENDOR PROFILE GUY STR E E T T O O T S N E W S S E R V IC E ffice Cat Rooty never anticipated becoming homeless. Like many other middle class Americans, he was living stringently but comfortably with a family of four in Northeast Portland. Resources were tight, but there was always enough to go around. Rooty’s matriarch used culinary ingenuity to make sure everyone was fed. Steaks became hamburgers and then meatloaf. Rooty had to "■■■■■“ forego his favorite cans of Fancy Feast for Friskies. When money became scarce, litter for Rooty’s box was the first to go. They were hard times, but Rooty thought his family still loved him. Then, tragedy struck. The economy took a Days before the new Street Roots restroom was built office cat Rooty ponders his role in the organization. . nosedive and the patriarch of Rooty’s family lost his job as a baggage handler at Portland hissed Rooty. “Other cats told me he didn’t exist, that International Airport. As the family scrambled to pay its bills, they looked at all options they he was a big, enigmatic legend. They said that no man could ever get away with wearing that many scarves could cut to pay their mortgage and avoid foreclosure. with baseball socks. But I knew I had to find him. I This was the most inopportune time for Rooty to get a knew he was the only person who could ever properly bladder infection of his life. take care of me.” “It was When Rooty showed up on Leghorn’s front porch, the a Catch- man was not amused. V ~ 22 ” “Damnit,” he grumbled as he looked up briefly from Rooty his iPhone, exhaling a Camel Light with reckless said abandon. Leghorn took a photo of Rooty and instantly through a shared it on his Facebook and Twitter pages. • — office ca t rooty variety of “Anyone lose a cat?” the post said. vocal “I don’t want to keep this cat,” Leghorn muttered, meows. “I lighting another Camel with a purloined lighter. had a Two days, later, with animal rights activists breathing bladder infection because they were too cheap to down his neck in the form of social media comments, change my litter, and I couldn’t get it taken care of Leghorn caved and took the cat to the vet. After a because they didn’t have the money to take me to the strong dose of antibiotics, Office Cat Rooty made his vet. I was damned either way.” official home in the Street Roots office and took an Rooty’s patriarch dropped him off on a cold spring immediate joy to sinking teeth and claws into the back evening at an undisclosed location in Northeast of vendors’ and volunteers’ legs. Portland. For a day, the cat wandered the streets “I like it here most of the time,” Rooty purrs. “I’ve hungry with an incredibly uncomfortable bladder until kind of got it made.” he reached the house of a man he had heard rumors of; Office Cat Rooty can be found most days sitting in a man with a heart so large that he would never turn the Street Roots window meowing at birds. anyone who needed help away. “I had heard of this Foghorn Leghorn dude before,” O Rooty vz vz X X Cz Cz Lz Cz <X XX IN T E R N A T IO N A Vendor Wish List L* Answers to puzzles on page 15 www. streetroots. wordpress. com Re: “ Homeless men rounded up as free film extras.” Street Roots, March 19. It was erroneously reported that more than 150 homeless men were rounded up as unpaid extras for a recent motion picture filming In the Park Blocks, where they were forced to perform for three days as "wedding guests Nos. 1-157.“ It was also not true that they were forced to wear makeup tested on animals. The makeup was cruelty-free, sources say— now. Nor was anyone denied the vegan option by craft services. Nor did Portland make $12,550 In revenue from filming permits. The money was collected from camping violation citations. Some days, Street Roots regrets ever putting out a newspaper. Correction Policy: Street Roots strives for accuracy on some occasslons. If you think you can do better, write to us at Info® wweek.com. Donations keep Street Roots and our vendors working by keeping our operating costs low. ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ Socks Lil Hotties Paper cups Hygiene items Towels CENTRAL CITY ■ First-aid supplies ■ TriMet bus tickets/passes ■ Printer paper ■ Toilet paper Changing Lives VENDOR WORK ADS Craig Preston: Labor work, $12 an hour, please call the Street Roots office to inquire: 503-228-5657 Building Communities Creating Opportunities Tibor S.: Available for any labor work around a house. 1-201-539-1888 Cassidy Morse: Looking for work. Will do most anything, light and heavy. $10 an hour, four-hour minimum. References supplied. Please call 503-224-5398 or Street Roots at 503-228-5657 www.centralcityconcern.org 503-294-1681 Don’t miss a single issue! Visit us online at www.streetroots.wordpresss com or friend us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter to get regular updates. ’
