street roots
6
April 1, 2012
Portland cedes distinction to
Eugene
ortland City Council voted
yesterday in a unanimous decision
to cede the distinction of
“America’s Crunchiest City” to Eugene.
The title, which serves as a gauge of a
city’s hippy-ness, will be passed on to
Eugene voters in a November ballot
referendum.
“Eugene has quietly snuck up behind
Portland in terms of crunchiness over the
past few years,” said Nick Fish, city
commissioner of Portland Parks and
Recreation as he took a photo-op with a
chicken in a North Portland urban garden.
“We could not keep up with the hippy-ness
of Eugene. The residents of the city
shower an average of five times fewer per
week than Portland residents, they grow 10
times more food per capita than Portland’s
urban gardeners, and their grass is
definitely greener.”
The true clinch-point for the transfer of
distinction, however, was when officials
found out that individuals in Eugene were
composting their own pet droppings in
order to create electricity.”
“I don’t know of many Portlanders who
compost their pet’s own waste. I mean, we
have a long way to go before we catch up
to San Francisco. Looks like Eugene is on
to something,” said one composting
advocate.
“Since learning about the new program,
we are in the early stages of planning for
the Portland Parks Bureau to accommodate
pet waste,” says a parks official. “Once the
economy turns around, of course, and we
arfe able to open up bathrooms for
humans.”
“We haven’t given up this fight,” said
Fish. “I congratulate the people of Eugene
for stripping us of this title, but warn them
that Portland will be back to out-crunch
their smelly city to the south. Think about
all the granola and patchouli we have at
our disposal.”
P
We tip our mugs to Coffee
Bean International for
donating coffee to Street Roots
and keeping our vendors
warm in the morning!
Thank you!
Office Cat Rooty
finds a home
BY VENDOR PROFILE GUY
STR E E T T O O T S N E W S S E R V IC E
ffice Cat Rooty never anticipated
becoming homeless. Like many
other middle class Americans, he
was living stringently but comfortably with a
family of four in Northeast Portland.
Resources were tight, but there was
always enough to go around. Rooty’s
matriarch used culinary ingenuity to make
sure everyone was fed.
Steaks became
hamburgers and then
meatloaf. Rooty had to
"■■■■■“
forego his favorite cans
of Fancy Feast for
Friskies. When money
became scarce, litter for Rooty’s box was the
first to go. They were hard times, but Rooty
thought his family still loved him.
Then, tragedy struck. The economy took a Days before the new Street Roots restroom was built office cat Rooty
ponders his role in the organization. .
nosedive and the patriarch of Rooty’s family
lost his job as a baggage handler at Portland
hissed Rooty. “Other cats told me he didn’t exist, that
International Airport. As the family
scrambled to pay its bills, they looked at all options they he was a big, enigmatic legend. They said that no man
could ever get away with wearing that many scarves
could cut to pay their mortgage and avoid foreclosure.
with baseball socks. But I knew I had to find him. I
This was the most inopportune time for Rooty to get a
knew he was the only person who could ever properly
bladder infection of his life.
take care of me.”
“It was
When Rooty showed up on Leghorn’s front porch, the
a Catch-
man was not amused.
V ~
22 ”
“Damnit,” he grumbled as he looked up briefly from
Rooty
his iPhone, exhaling a Camel Light with reckless
said
abandon. Leghorn took a photo of Rooty and instantly
through a
shared it on his Facebook and Twitter pages.
•
— office ca t rooty variety of
“Anyone lose a cat?” the post said.
vocal
“I don’t want to keep this cat,” Leghorn muttered,
meows. “I
lighting another Camel with a purloined lighter.
had a
Two days, later, with animal rights activists breathing
bladder infection because they were too cheap to
down
his neck in the form of social media comments,
change my litter, and I couldn’t get it taken care of
Leghorn caved and took the cat to the vet. After a
because they didn’t have the money to take me to the
strong dose of antibiotics, Office Cat Rooty made his
vet. I was damned either way.”
official home in the Street Roots office and took an
Rooty’s patriarch dropped him off on a cold spring
immediate joy to sinking teeth and claws into the back
evening at an undisclosed location in Northeast
of vendors’ and volunteers’ legs.
Portland. For a day, the cat wandered the streets
“I like it here most of the time,” Rooty purrs. “I’ve
hungry with an incredibly uncomfortable bladder until
kind of got it made.”
he reached the house of a man he had heard rumors of;
Office Cat Rooty can be found most days sitting in
a man with a heart so large that he would never turn
the Street Roots window meowing at birds.
anyone who needed help away.
“I had heard of this Foghorn Leghorn dude before,”
O
Rooty
vz vz X X Cz Cz Lz Cz <X XX
IN T E R N A T IO N A
Vendor Wish List
L*
Answers to puzzles on page 15
www. streetroots. wordpress. com
Re: “ Homeless men rounded up as free
film extras.” Street Roots, March 19.
It was erroneously reported that more
than 150 homeless men were rounded up as
unpaid extras for a recent motion picture
filming In the Park Blocks, where they were
forced to perform for three days as
"wedding guests Nos. 1-157.“
It was also not true that they were forced
to wear makeup tested on animals. The
makeup was cruelty-free, sources say—
now.
Nor was anyone denied the vegan option
by craft services.
Nor did Portland make $12,550 In
revenue from filming permits. The money
was collected from camping violation
citations.
Some days, Street Roots regrets ever
putting out a newspaper.
Correction Policy: Street Roots strives for
accuracy on some occasslons. If you think
you can do better, write to us at Info®
wweek.com.
Donations keep Street Roots and our vendors
working by keeping our operating costs low.
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Socks
Lil Hotties
Paper cups
Hygiene items
Towels
CENTRAL CITY
■ First-aid supplies
■ TriMet bus
tickets/passes
■ Printer paper
■ Toilet paper
Changing Lives
VENDOR WORK ADS
Craig Preston: Labor work, $12 an hour,
please call the Street Roots office to inquire:
503-228-5657
Building Communities
Creating Opportunities
Tibor S.: Available for any labor work
around a house. 1-201-539-1888
Cassidy Morse: Looking for work. Will do
most anything, light and heavy. $10 an
hour, four-hour minimum. References
supplied. Please call 503-224-5398 or Street
Roots at 503-228-5657
www.centralcityconcern.org
503-294-1681
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