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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 2011)
8 street roots April 1, 2011 f V A Japanese woman bows before a n orca whale, showing respect fo r the caged anim al. Likewise, the whale gives a know ing nod a n d a lispy “th a n k y o u ” fo r the chum soon to be tossed its way. Politeness from Japan not expected to reach West Coast B Y TAR BALLS more western traits and the American way of life. ears that Japanese politeness and “The amount of politeness that will reach respect will reach U.S. are unfounded, , U.S. shores is negligible,” said Kurt Mann, a officials say. quantum sociologist at Oregon State Last month, whén a devastating 9.0 University. “Most of it will evaporate over earthquake and towering tstinami struck the the ocean, and whatever does , make it here coast of Japan, many Americans immediately will be far below the normal background wondered how the tragedy would affect levels of decency that people are exposed to them at home. Some w orried that damage every day — like when strangers hold doors STAFF W RITER ■ JgjM aBS8fiM ittl^-WQuld threaten the L ^S ^uppiyorcom puter and iPad parts. fnr ic twit • • for to worry about. Most Americans aren’t Others, fearful that radiation leaking from » the malfunctioning Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant would cross the Pacific Ocean to U.S. shores, rushed tohuy protective potassium iodide tablets, despite officials’ warnings that the pills were unnecessary and even potentially harmful. Now, a new fear has emerged: some Americans are concerned that after being shaken loose by the quake, recognized Japanese societal traité like politeness, civility and respect for elders may form a large cloud and blow across the water to the U.S.,increasing unsuspecting Americans’ risk of behaving considerately to each other. Though scientists insist that Japan’s high levels of basic social etiquette will not póse a significant threat to anyone in this country, - many citizens still fear that excèss courtesy will reach their homes and interfere with likely to change.” Still, some concerned U.S. residents have been stocking up on Bluetooths, annoying ringtones, and DVDs of competitive reality television shows — anything they think will help fill them with insolence and disdain for others and keep trace amounts of respect or civility out of their systems. “Customers are buying lbts of Glenn Beck books,” said Martina Amato, a worker at the Lloyd Center Barnes and Noble. “Michael Moore movies, too. They think those will help them stay edgy and obnoxious, I guess. We’re restocking as quickly as we can, but we can'barely keep them on the shelves.” Officials warn, however, that such precautionary measured may actually do more harm than good. A statement issued by the National Institutes of Health urged U.S. citizens not to panic or begin randomly cursing out infants and puppies at tins time. Most Americans have more than enough abrasiveness in their systems already, the agency said, adding that any more When it isn’t necessary could overload the brain’s repugnaceous gland, leading to a serious also said the planet was warming, but it’s been pretty cold here all winter, so they obviously lie?’ According to Mann, American scientists have detected some incoming particles of Japanese-style politeness and respect on the Most Americans have more than enough abrasiveness in their systems. algeadyT :t ha. a g e n c y s a id , a d d in g th a t any more when it is n 't necessary c o u ld o v e rlo a d the brain's repugnaceous gland, leading to a serious chronic condition called O'Reilly's Insufferability Syndrome. chronic condition called O’Reilly’s Insufferability Syndrome; Not everyone is convinced. SteVeri Inglewood, a 21-year-old Southeast Portland resident, was at Fred Meyer on Thursday shopping for airhorns and drums of patchouli oil. H e said he has also been practicing ignoring his mother’s phone calls and cutting in line at the post office. “I’m doing everything l ean to keep up my protective levels of abject resentment and ire,” he said, pausing to kick this ? reporter in the shins. “I know the scientists are sayingnot to worry, but I can’t trust that,” Inglewood added; “I mean,, scientists West Coast, but they are present at far below the levels that might actually impact human behavior. “We’re only picking up about 0.5-0.7 microGandhis,” Mann said, referring to the standard scientific units “for measuring airborne courteousness. “That’s nothing. You get higher readings at a Girl Scout conference.” Mann added that Americans also shouldn’t worry about dangerous levels of exposure to Japan’s excellent math and science education, functional national rail service, or armies of tiny, efficient robots. “I’m fairly confident that none of that is ever going to make it over here,” tie Said. Everyone loves a roast^ We do, anyway. Thank you all for buying Street Root’s third annual April Fools edition of the newspaper. We hope you enjoyed a few chuckles at everyone else’s expense. Having said that, we extend a special thank you to the people and companies we have skewered in these pages for agreeing in advance, without so many words per se, to hold us harmless for any insinuation deemed unsavory, unprofessional or unwelcome. It’s nice that in a town with so many lawyers, we can come to an unspoken understanding to take one on the chin for a good cause. I t was all in good fun! We prom iselo get back to our usual serious selves come April 15. We’ll all be a little more serious by then. We realize that you have a choice of reading m aterial in this town, so on behalf of all of us here at S treet Roots, thank you for your support! No pigs (yummy!) were harmed in the construction of this advertisment
