8
street roots
April 1, 2011
f V
A Japanese woman
bows before a n orca
whale, showing
respect fo r the caged
anim al. Likewise,
the whale gives a
know ing nod a n d a
lispy “th a n k y o u ”
fo r the chum soon
to be tossed its way.
Politeness from Japan not expected to reach West Coast
B Y TAR BALLS
more western traits and the American way
of life.
ears that Japanese politeness and
“The amount of politeness that will reach
respect will reach U.S. are unfounded, , U.S. shores is negligible,” said Kurt Mann, a
officials say.
quantum sociologist at Oregon State
Last month, whén a devastating 9.0
University. “Most of it will evaporate over
earthquake and towering tstinami struck the
the ocean, and whatever does , make it here
coast of Japan, many Americans immediately will be far below the normal background
wondered how the tragedy would affect
levels of decency that people are exposed to
them at home. Some w orried that damage
every day — like when strangers hold doors
STAFF W RITER
■
JgjM aBS8fiM ittl^-WQuld threaten the
L ^S ^uppiyorcom puter and iPad parts.
fnr
ic twit
• • for
to worry about. Most Americans aren’t
Others, fearful that radiation leaking from »
the malfunctioning Fukushima Daiichi
nuclear power plant would cross the Pacific
Ocean to U.S. shores, rushed tohuy
protective potassium iodide tablets, despite
officials’ warnings that the pills were
unnecessary and even potentially harmful.
Now, a new fear has emerged: some
Americans are concerned that after being
shaken loose by the quake, recognized
Japanese societal traité like politeness,
civility and respect for elders may form a
large cloud and blow across the water to the
U.S.,increasing unsuspecting Americans’
risk of behaving considerately to each other.
Though scientists insist that Japan’s high
levels of basic social etiquette will not póse a
significant threat to anyone in this country, -
many citizens still fear that excèss courtesy
will reach their homes and interfere with
likely to change.”
Still, some concerned U.S. residents have
been stocking up on Bluetooths, annoying
ringtones, and DVDs of competitive reality
television shows — anything they think will
help fill them with insolence and disdain for
others and keep trace amounts of respect or
civility out of their systems.
“Customers are buying lbts of Glenn Beck
books,” said Martina Amato, a worker at the
Lloyd Center Barnes and Noble. “Michael
Moore movies, too. They think those will
help them stay edgy and obnoxious, I guess.
We’re restocking as quickly as we can, but
we can'barely keep them on the shelves.”
Officials warn, however, that such
precautionary measured may actually do
more harm than good. A statement issued
by the National Institutes of Health urged
U.S. citizens not to panic or begin randomly
cursing out infants and puppies at tins time.
Most Americans have more than enough
abrasiveness in their systems already, the
agency said, adding that any more When it
isn’t necessary could overload the brain’s
repugnaceous gland, leading to a serious
also said the planet was warming, but it’s
been pretty cold here all winter, so they
obviously lie?’
According to Mann, American scientists
have detected some incoming particles of
Japanese-style politeness and respect on the
Most Americans have more than enough abrasiveness in their
systems. algeadyT :t ha. a g e n c y s a id , a d d in g th a t any more when
it is n 't necessary c o u ld o v e rlo a d the brain's repugnaceous
gland, leading to a serious chronic condition called O'Reilly's
Insufferability Syndrome.
chronic condition called O’Reilly’s
Insufferability Syndrome;
Not everyone is convinced. SteVeri
Inglewood, a 21-year-old Southeast Portland
resident, was at Fred Meyer on Thursday
shopping for airhorns and drums of
patchouli oil. H e said he has also been
practicing ignoring his mother’s phone calls
and cutting in line at the post office.
“I’m doing everything l ean to keep up
my protective levels of abject resentment
and ire,” he said, pausing to kick this ?
reporter in the shins. “I know the scientists
are sayingnot to worry, but I can’t trust
that,” Inglewood added; “I mean,, scientists
West Coast, but they are present at far
below the levels that might actually impact
human behavior. “We’re only picking up
about 0.5-0.7 microGandhis,” Mann said,
referring to the standard scientific units “for
measuring airborne courteousness. “That’s
nothing. You get higher readings at a Girl
Scout conference.”
Mann added that Americans also
shouldn’t worry about dangerous levels of
exposure to Japan’s excellent math and
science education, functional national rail
service, or armies of tiny, efficient robots.
“I’m fairly confident that none of that is ever
going to make it over here,” tie Said.
Everyone loves a roast^
We do, anyway.
Thank you all for buying Street Root’s third annual April Fools edition of the
newspaper. We hope you enjoyed a few chuckles at everyone else’s expense. Having
said that, we extend a special thank you to the people and companies we have
skewered in these pages for agreeing in advance, without so many words per se, to
hold us harmless for any insinuation deemed unsavory, unprofessional or
unwelcome. It’s nice that in a town with so many lawyers, we can come to an
unspoken understanding to take one on the chin for a good cause. I t was all in good
fun! We prom iselo get back to our usual serious selves come April 15. We’ll all be a
little more serious by then.
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