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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (Jan. 23, 2009)
street roots 13 Jan. 23,2009 Sex and the single vendor — you had to ask think the most talked about subject on my corner has to do with ones relationship with their spouse. I talk to many people in the course of the day, and after we get to know each other, they will often talk about their relationship. It’s not always a married relationship. Sometimes I talk to men about their girlfriend, or women about the man in their life. I also talk to gay and lesbian men and women about their partners. Basically, I listen to what they have to say, and if asked, I’ll give them whatever wisdom that I have, and try to answer their questions. In some cases, they are not seeking advice; they are looking for someone to listen to them. It gives them a chance to vent and have someone listen. After they have told me the situation, they seem to be able to come up with an answer or if not, they will ask me what I think. I will tell them that I will give them the advice that I would give to my brother or sister, and then explain what I would do in this situation. After consulting with quite a few of my customers and friends, I think I have a clearer picture of how to address this issue. It seems to me that in any relationship, the most important issue is a commitment to each other. If you look at couples who have been together a long time, you usually find that they decided to commit their lives to each other. This means that they share equally in the relationship and all decisions that are made. The divorce raté in the United States is 50 percent There are reasons for this and I’ll expand on them. For the most part, I THOMAS, from page 12 administration, and one of the biggest stories of the past year has been the politicizing of the Justice Department, which resulted ultimately in the resignation of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. President-elect Obama has now nominated former deputy attorney general Eric Holder to the position, but be comes with a familiar controversy in that in 1999, Holder is accused of pushing subordinates to drop their opposition to clemency to members of Puerto Rican terrorist organization. What’s your assessment of this appointment? H.T.: I think he’ll be a good attorney general. I think he has a good sense of honor and law. Obviously everybody is going to be fought The Republicans are gearing up to make trouble. They don t have the power, but they can do it Gonzales was probably just awful. I mean, torture? Secret prisons? And all the justice department people, not all, but many approved of such a horror. They way he hung that albatross around the neck of every American - secret prisons, torture, water boarding. rg. With Holder’s nomination, and the other appointments that President-elect Obama is making, what does that tell you, with all your years of experience, about what the tone is for this administration and what it is going to be doing? H T • Not gonna be bold. He's going to walk down the middle line. He's going to be as careful and cautious as he was in the campaign. He’s going to try to be aU things to everyone, and he doesn’t understand, he needs courage... The whole idea is that people want him, but they want him to do the right thing. And he has the possibility, he has so much power m this presidency to do the right thing. He should not compromise and he should not keep his MY CORNER John Thompson John Thompson sells Street Roots at the comer of 12th and Couch in Northwest Portland. He also volunteers at Julia West House, and enjoys helping folks with financial questions. couples are not willing to make the commitment to each other, and this starts the problems. You would think that infidelity would be the biggest cause of divorce, however, that’s not the case. The most common cause of divorce is money. Failure to agree on how it’s made, and how it’s spent This causes a lot of arguments and eventually ends relationships. Besides the problems couples have with the money issues, infidelity rears its ugly head in many relationships. The need to wander and look for something different has caused many relationships to go south. There are many reasons for this including raging male and female hormones, or one partner or the other not wanting to engage in sex, thereby leaving the other partner looking elsewhere. I learned in psychology 101 that the sex drive is the dominant drive of the brain and it seems to be true. In my case, I was faithful to my wife for twenty five years. At that point in time she decided that she was no longer interested in sexual activity. However, I still wanted that as part of my life. We had many discussions about it, but we could not resolve the issue. So, I found other outlets for my sexual desires. I discovered other people who were in somewhat the same situation and proceeded to engage in sexual activity with them. I was married a total of 32 years, the last seven never having sex with my wife. It was amazing that it took her seven years to catch me. However, I kept letting my behavior become more risky and eventually she found out that I was having sex with others. We decided to divorce and for the most part, it was a peaceful separation. I have now been divorced for six years, and my life has changed quite a bit I’m not complaining, I get to do what I want to do, go where I want to go, and even find companionship occasionally. After all, I’m old but not dead yet I’m the perfect example of what not to do if you want to sustain a relationship. I made my decision and I’m living with it Some people have asked me why you didn’t try marriage counseling. My answer is fairly simple. I did some research on it, even talked to my wife about it, but decided not to do it The main reason I didn’t is marriage counselors don’t have to have any special training. Anyone can hang out a shingle that says marriage counselor. I also discovered that most marriage counselors are divorced. It makes as much sense to see them as it does a priest If the marriage counselor is divorced, or a priest has never been married, my feeling is that the advice you get may not answer the issues that you have. I’m not saying that all marriage counselors are duds, but if H.T.: No. I mean, you can be civil and you should be polite. You have one chance in the barrel. It’s a privilege to ask the president a question, and he should take the question. And the question should be important to everybody in the world. you’re thinking about it do some research before you outlay a bunch of cash and still end up in divorce court There are lots of other causes of couples ending relationships but it all starts with not committing to each other. Drug abuse, alcohol abuse, anger issues, the list is endless and in some cases, separation is the best result that can be achieved. It saves lives, and allows both the abuser and the abused to get the help they need. States are getting tougher on deadbeat dads or in some cases deadbeat moms on child support and that’s a plus. It doesn’t guarantee that the children will be taken care of, but it’s a lot better then it was 20 years ago before child-support laws were strengthened. So there you have it This was a very difficult subject for me to write about, but I promised you I would do it I’m sure you have your own ideas of what makes a successful relationship and would like to hear your ideas. You can do this a couple of different ways. Stop by my corner at 12th Avenue and NW Couch and chat with me about it I’m there usually seven days a week from 8 a.m. until noon. Or, you can email me at: mignonne_thompson_ john@yahoo.com. I’d like to hear your comments. If you want to write a rebuttal, I’ll include it in my next column. Up next I’ll be ending my series on relationships with co-workers. I write the column for every other issue so this will appear in the second issue after this one. I hope you are enjoying my thoughts, and would like to hear from you. being? HLT.: I have very high hopes for them, J.Z.: You mentioned earlier about Gaza. but I know that everyone’s under the gun, in the sense that they don’t have a job. Obama has said that there’s only one Lots of jobs have been lost and president at a time... newspapers are folding, so I can t ask H.T.: Oh bull. Why didn’t he say that others to do what I might not do. The J7» You ’ ve been doing this for nearly during the campaign? He sure has been point is that a lot of the publishers are 50 years now. Why is it importan t for you silent You’re never silent when people are selling their papers because they’re not to continue working into what will be your being slaughtered. making a 25 percent profit, and they have 10th administration? never made that kind of money. If you J7- Looking forward, what’s the Gist ________ were a publisher, question you’re going to ask President H.T.: For one newspapers used to thing, it’s important Obama? "You can't have a be your for me to keep H.T.: Well, I think he’ll be asked many contribution to the democracy without an learning. There’s questions about the economy, and I would community. Usually informed people and that’s nothing that can say how soon is he going to stop the killing you made your replace being there where it comes from — across the world that we’re involved in? I money in other and asking the think that his answer will be very cautious, newspapers." fields. I think we’ve questions I know that we’re trying and so forth. We plan to lost it because it should be asked. get out of Iraq in 16 months and I’ll tell got to Wall Street JX: if you don’t * him why not now. If you know you’re and Wall Street doesn’t know or care ask those questions, who will? anything about our right to know. You can t leaving, then get out have a democracy without an informed H.T.: There ’ s nobody around now. I ’ m JT» What do you think are the major people and that's where it comes from - looking. When I was going back and forth stories that the media needs to jump on in newspapers. But I don’t think those who with Dana Perino, and she said they killed the coming years? buy up newspapers care particularly people, they did this and that, and I said, anymore of keeping the people informed. H.T4 1 think they will jump on the ‘so do we.’ When it was over, I stood up economy, what’s being done. So many They care about their pockets. and I said ‘where is everybody?’ And this people are suffering in this country. But I was on an open mic. There was silence in JX: What do you think then about the think we’ll be able to test him in many the press room. And then when I went internet media where you have a much ways in terms of what he does in foreign back to my office. I got many calls and they more free and open source of information. policy. If he’s going to run scared, and said, ‘We’re here. We’re here.’ follow Bush’s model, we’re in trouble. H.T.: I don’t want everyone with a j 7» But you don’t see, then, the people laptop thinking they’re a journalist, when J2.: The relationship between The Bush who are ready to step. they don’t have any of our standards or ^ministration and the press corps has principles, or the sense that you give H.T.: They perhaps don ’ t have my certainly been strained and in many ways everyone a chance. And you can ruin lives, causes. And my causes are peace, helping been shut down. Is that the way business ruin reputations. You have a lot of freedom people, help the poor, the sick, the is going to be done from here on out Are to say anything. At a newspaper at least, maimed. What other purpose should we we every going to see it go back to the you have editors, you have people knowing have? Why should we help bankers who are Fourth Estate that the media once was? you have to toe the line, you have to be multi-millionaires, and not help people who H.T.: I think so. It’s possible. I think the honorable. _ are hungry and need shelter? I don t press is going to very kind to him. So understand why this wouldn’t be of interest This interview was originally broadcast that’s good. But I don’t think they should to every one. on “We The People” on KBOO FM, 90.7. be easy on him. JX: Do you have high hopes for the To hear the complete interview, go to JX: Is it good to be kind to the kboo.fm/WethePeople media or are you concerned for its well president? promises to his big donors.
