street roots
13
Jan. 23,2009
Sex and the single vendor — you had to ask
think the most talked about subject on
my corner has to do with ones
relationship with their spouse. I talk to
many people in the course of the day, and
after we get to know each other, they will
often talk about their relationship. It’s not
always a married relationship. Sometimes
I talk to men about their girlfriend, or
women about the man in their life. I also
talk to gay and lesbian men and women
about their partners. Basically, I listen to
what they have to say, and if asked, I’ll
give them whatever wisdom that I have,
and try to answer their questions.
In some cases, they are not seeking
advice; they are looking for someone to
listen to them. It gives them a chance to
vent and have someone listen. After they
have told me the situation, they seem to
be able to come up with an answer or if
not, they will ask me what I think. I will
tell them that I will give them the advice
that I would give to my brother or sister,
and then explain what I would do in this
situation.
After consulting with quite a few of my
customers and friends, I think I have a
clearer picture of how to address this
issue. It seems to me that in any
relationship, the most important issue is a
commitment to each other. If you look at
couples who have been together a long
time, you usually find that they decided to
commit their lives to each other. This
means that they share equally in the
relationship and all decisions that are
made.
The divorce raté in the United States is
50 percent There are reasons for this and
I’ll expand on them. For the most part,
I
THOMAS, from page 12
administration, and one of the biggest
stories of the past year has been the
politicizing of the Justice Department,
which resulted ultimately in the
resignation of Attorney General Alberto
Gonzales. President-elect Obama has now
nominated former deputy attorney general
Eric Holder to the position, but be comes
with a familiar controversy in that in 1999,
Holder is accused of pushing subordinates
to drop their opposition to clemency to
members of Puerto Rican terrorist
organization. What’s your assessment of
this appointment?
H.T.: I think he’ll be a good attorney
general. I think he has a good sense of
honor and law. Obviously everybody is
going to be fought The Republicans are
gearing up to make trouble. They don t
have the power, but they can do it
Gonzales was probably just awful. I mean,
torture? Secret prisons? And all the justice
department people, not all, but many
approved of such a horror. They way he
hung that albatross around the neck of
every American - secret prisons, torture,
water boarding.
rg. With Holder’s nomination, and the
other appointments that President-elect
Obama is making, what does that tell you,
with all your years of experience, about
what the tone is for this administration and
what it is going to be doing?
H T • Not gonna be bold. He's going to
walk down the middle line. He's going to
be as careful and cautious as he was in the
campaign. He’s going to try to be aU things
to everyone, and he doesn’t understand, he
needs courage... The whole idea is that
people want him, but they want him to do
the right thing. And he has the possibility,
he has so much power m this presidency
to do the right thing. He should not
compromise and he should not keep his
MY
CORNER
John Thompson
John Thompson sells Street Roots at the comer of 12th and
Couch in Northwest Portland. He also volunteers at Julia West
House, and enjoys helping folks with financial questions.
couples are not willing to make the
commitment to each other, and this starts
the problems. You would think that
infidelity would be the biggest cause of
divorce, however, that’s not the case. The
most common cause of divorce is money.
Failure to agree on how it’s made, and
how it’s spent This causes a lot of
arguments and eventually ends
relationships.
Besides the problems couples have with
the money issues, infidelity rears its ugly
head in many relationships. The need to
wander and look for something different
has caused many relationships to go south.
There are many reasons for this including
raging male and female hormones, or one
partner or the other not wanting to
engage in sex, thereby leaving the other
partner looking elsewhere. I learned in
psychology 101 that the sex drive is the
dominant drive of the brain and it seems
to be true.
In my case, I was faithful to my wife for
twenty five years. At that point in time she
decided that she was no longer interested
in sexual activity. However, I still wanted
that as part of my life. We had many
discussions about it, but we could not
resolve the issue. So, I found other outlets
for my sexual desires. I discovered other
people who were in somewhat the same
situation and proceeded to engage in
sexual activity with them. I was married a
total of 32 years, the last seven never
having sex with my wife.
It was amazing that it took her seven
years to catch me. However, I kept letting
my behavior become more risky and
eventually she found out that I was having
sex with others. We decided to divorce and
for the most part, it was a peaceful
separation. I have now been divorced for
six years, and my life has changed quite a
bit I’m not complaining, I get to do what I
want to do, go where I want to go, and
even find companionship occasionally.
After all, I’m old but not dead yet
I’m the perfect example of what not to
do if you want to sustain a relationship. I
made my decision and I’m living with it
Some people have asked me why you
didn’t try marriage counseling. My
answer is fairly simple. I did some
research on it, even talked to my wife
about it, but decided not to do it The
main reason I didn’t is marriage
counselors don’t have to have any special
training. Anyone can hang out a shingle
that says marriage counselor. I also
discovered that most marriage counselors
are divorced. It makes as much sense to
see them as it does a priest If the
marriage counselor is divorced, or a priest
has never been married, my feeling is that
the advice you get may not answer the
issues that you have. I’m not saying that
all marriage counselors are duds, but if
H.T.: No. I mean, you can be civil and
you should be polite. You have one chance
in the barrel. It’s a privilege to ask the
president a question, and he should take
the question. And the question should be
important to everybody in the world.
you’re thinking about it do some research
before you outlay a bunch of cash and still
end up in divorce court
There are lots of other causes of
couples ending relationships but it all
starts with not committing to each other.
Drug abuse, alcohol abuse, anger issues,
the list is endless and in some cases,
separation is the best result that can be
achieved. It saves lives, and allows both
the abuser and the abused to get the help
they need. States are getting tougher on
deadbeat dads or in some cases deadbeat
moms on child support and that’s a plus. It
doesn’t guarantee that the children will be
taken care of, but it’s a lot better then it
was 20 years ago before child-support laws
were strengthened.
So there you have it This was a very
difficult subject for me to write about, but
I promised you I would do it I’m sure you
have your own ideas of what makes a
successful relationship and would like to
hear your ideas. You can do this a couple
of different ways. Stop by my corner at
12th Avenue and NW Couch and chat with
me about it I’m there usually seven days a
week from 8 a.m. until noon. Or, you can
email me at: mignonne_thompson_
john@yahoo.com. I’d like to hear your
comments. If you want to write a rebuttal,
I’ll include it in my next column.
Up next I’ll be ending my series on
relationships with co-workers. I write the
column for every other issue so this will
appear in the second issue after this one. I
hope you are enjoying my thoughts, and
would like to hear from you.
being?
HLT.: I have very high hopes for them,
J.Z.: You mentioned earlier about Gaza.
but I know that everyone’s under the gun,
in the sense that they don’t have a job.
Obama has said that there’s only one
Lots of jobs have been lost and
president at a time...
newspapers are folding, so I can t ask
H.T.: Oh bull. Why didn’t he say that
others to do what I might not do. The
J7»
You
’
ve
been
doing
this
for
nearly
during the campaign? He sure has been
point is that a lot of the publishers are
50 years now. Why is it importan t for you
silent You’re never silent when people are
selling their papers because they’re not
to
continue
working
into
what
will
be
your
being slaughtered.
making a 25 percent profit, and they have
10th administration?
never made that kind of money. If you
J7- Looking forward, what’s the Gist
________ were a publisher,
question you’re going to ask President
H.T.: For one
newspapers used to
thing, it’s important
Obama?
"You can't have a
be your
for me to keep
H.T.: Well, I think he’ll be asked many
contribution to the
democracy
without
an
learning. There’s
questions about the economy, and I would
community. Usually
informed people and that’s
nothing that can
say how soon is he going to stop the killing
you
made your
replace being there
where it comes from —
across the world that we’re involved in? I
money in other
and asking the
think that his answer will be very cautious,
newspapers."
fields. I think we’ve
questions I know
that we’re trying and so forth. We plan to
lost it because it
should be asked.
get out of Iraq in 16 months and I’ll tell
got to Wall Street
JX: if you don’t *
him why not now. If you know you’re
and Wall Street doesn’t know or care
ask those questions, who will?
anything about our right to know. You can t
leaving, then get out
have a democracy without an informed
H.T.:
There
’
s
nobody
around
now.
I
’
m
JT» What do you think are the major
people and that's where it comes from -
looking. When I was going back and forth
stories that the media needs to jump on in
newspapers. But I don’t think those who
with
Dana
Perino,
and
she
said
they
killed
the coming years?
buy up newspapers care particularly
people, they did this and that, and I said,
anymore of keeping the people informed.
H.T4 1 think they will jump on the
‘so do we.’ When it was over, I stood up
economy, what’s being done. So many
They care about their pockets.
and I said ‘where is everybody?’ And this
people are suffering in this country. But I
was on an open mic. There was silence in
JX: What do you think then about the
think we’ll be able to test him in many
the press room. And then when I went
internet media where you have a much
ways in terms of what he does in foreign
back to my office. I got many calls and they
more free and open source of information.
policy. If he’s going to run scared, and
said, ‘We’re here. We’re here.’
follow Bush’s model, we’re in trouble.
H.T.: I don’t want everyone with a
j 7» But you don’t see, then, the people
laptop thinking they’re a journalist, when
J2.: The relationship between The Bush
who are ready to step.
they don’t have any of our standards or
^ministration and the press corps has
principles, or the sense that you give
H.T.:
They
perhaps
don
’
t
have
my
certainly been strained and in many ways
everyone a chance. And you can ruin lives,
causes.
And
my
causes
are
peace,
helping
been shut down. Is that the way business
ruin reputations. You have a lot of freedom
people, help the poor, the sick, the
is going to be done from here on out Are
to say anything. At a newspaper at least,
maimed.
What
other
purpose
should
we
we every going to see it go back to the
you have editors, you have people knowing
have?
Why
should
we
help
bankers
who
are
Fourth Estate that the media once was?
you have to toe the line, you have to be
multi-millionaires, and not help people who
H.T.: I think so. It’s possible. I think the
honorable.
_
are hungry and need shelter? I don t
press is going to very kind to him. So
understand why this wouldn’t be of interest
This interview was originally broadcast
that’s good. But I don’t think they should
to every one.
on “We The People” on KBOO FM, 90.7.
be easy on him.
JX: Do you have high hopes for the
To hear the complete interview, go to
JX: Is it good to be kind to the
kboo.fm/WethePeople
media or are you concerned for its well
president?
promises to his big donors.