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About Siletz news / (Siletz, OR) 199?-current | View Entire Issue (Jan. 1, 2013)
New Babies! CTSI Jobs Nathan and Nolan Ike Dawn DePoe-Ike and her husband, Matthew Ike, welcomed twin boys on Dec. 6 at Yakima Valley Memorial Hospital. Nathan William Ike (left), 6 pounds and 5 ounces, was born at 5:39 p.m. Nolan Kinswa Ike, 7 pounds and 1 ounce, was born at 5:46 p.m. Both were 19 inches long. Big sister Madelyn Roberta Ike cel- ebrated her 3 rd birthday in September. The children’s grandparents include their grandmother, Suzanne DePoe; great- grandfather, William DePoe Jr.; and on their dad’s side, grandmother Janice Sam. Congratulations to my beautiful daughter, Dawn, and her husband, Mat- thew, on their new additions. Tribal employment information is available at ctsi.nsn.us. Note: “Open Until Filled” vacan- cies may close at any time. The Tribe’s Indian Preference policy will apply. Tribal government will not discriminate in selection because of race, creed, age, sex, color, national origin, physical handicap, mari- tal status, politics, membership or non-membership in an employee organization. CTSI constantly is looking for temporary employees to cover vacancy, vacations, maternity leave and extended sick leave. If you are looking for temporary work that can last from 2-12 weeks, please submit an application for the temp pool. Healthy Family Healthy Child Project: How to stop yelling at our children By Megan Hawley, HFHCP Social Service Advocate “You’re really nice. My mom is mean, all she does is yell at me.” – Child “I don’t know why they don’t listen to me. I ask them nicely and then I get frustrated and have to yell at them. They still don’t listen. I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes, I just want to give up.” – Parent In the last article, I mentioned that yelling can be very negative to the parent- child relationship. In this article, I will go further into this topic and discuss what is wrong with yelling and ways we as adults can stop doing it. I know, sometimes yelling seems like the best option. You may have several children in your care and oftentimes the only thing you can even think of doing is yelling. Well, sometimes it works, so what other options are there? This is a question I have often thought myself. During my time student teaching, as a nanny and being the second eldest of nine children, there were too many times I simply wanted to just let out a big scream while caring for children. Sometimes my frustration was with the child who just wanted five minutes more than the rest of class at the end of recess so she would cling to the slide with all her might. I had to resist not embarrassing her in front of the class by yelling for her to come and line up. Or sometimes when it was fighting siblings in the car, it would take some extra effort to not just pull over and yell at them, “Stop it! Right now, you two! Or so help me God I will turn this car right around!” Alas, I was not able to do these things as I probably would have failed my classes or maybe lost my job. why not yell? So what is so damaging about yelling anyway? For one thing, I don’t know if you as a parent, caregiver or whoever you are have noticed, but it usually doesn’t work out as well as we envisioned the yelling playing in our heads. 6 • Siletz News • According to Tamara Eberlein, author of How I stopped yelling (and still got my kids to listen), studies have determined that yelling just excites children, which can make them act even more aggres- sively, so your child may hit his younger brother even harder! This is not exactly useful in trying to calm them down and get them to behave. After awhile, children begin to believe that the only time a parent/guardian means business is when he or she is yell- ing, so of course when you do attempt to speak to them in a regular calm tone, they are not going to listen to you. Yelling teaches children that this is the only way to gain power, so you will end up not only with a yelling parent, but also yelling children. In time, your entire household may be yelling at each other. If you show your children what an adult temper tantrum looks like on a daily basis, then anger and rage become a normal thing to your child, who then may not learn how to control an escalated situation. This eventually could lead to a biter in preschool or an aggressive middle school student who comes home with grass stains from wrestling with a classmate in the school yard. One study found that children who grew up in a home with a parent who was verbally aggressive displayed higher rates of physical aggression, delinquency and interpersonal problems than children who did not experience this. Yelling at your child can send all sorts of unwanted messages. To children, when an adult shouts at them, it doesn’t matter what the adult may be yelling at them. The initial message you send your children is that you don’t respect them enough to properly take the time to speak to them with respect. This is a huge and damaging flaw in the act of yelling. It is incredibly petrifying for a child to experience being yelled at by the person who is supposed to be the child’s stabil- ity, their consistency. Losing your wits displays to your children that you can’t even control your own emotions, let alone their well-being. This could cause a child January 2013 to believe you might physically hurt her and maybe even leave her. To children, yelling is scary. I recall being a child and I was relatively well- behaved, so my mother didn’t yell at me much. Because of this, I worried about what would happen if I ever did get into trouble. As an adult now, that is a very pow- erful thing to know. As a child, I felt respected when I wasn’t yelled at and I liked this feeling so I didn’t want to find any reason for my parents to yell at me. This is clearly a very tough psycho- logical thing for a child and even an adult. The study Verbal Aggression by Parents and Psychosocial Problems of Children found that verbal aggression or yelling is an experience that has severe negative psychosocial ramifications on a child. How does one control their temper and quit yelling at their children? Take notes, what started it? One of the best ways to find your own boiling point is to jot it down. It may be difficult, but when you find you are about to blow your top (or you already may have blown it), write down details of what lead you to that point. What was going on? Were you strug- gling to get dinner and homework done at the same time? Did you get going late and were you trying to rush the kids out the door? Develop a consistent routine One of the biggest stressors is time management. I know when I am in a rush, I am more likely to snap at someone. My fiancé knows this one well. To solve this issue, one needs to decrease the chaos and increase the orga- nization. Give yourself and your children certain times to get tasks done and keep these tasks at the same times of the day. You’ll have much less yelling if things are predictable for all of you. Wonder why your children are so good at school, but not so good at home? Well, everything is consistent at school. Why not try using similar techniques to have an organized family? Ask your children to tell you what they think of your yelling Here is one that might open your eyes to the way your child sees your verbal aggression. Get down to your child’s level and simply ask them how it makes them feel when you get angry and yell at them. Another approach would be to have your child draw a picture of what she thinks you look like when you are yelling. Children can be incredibly honest and this approach will help parents remember how their yelling makes their children feel. Pretend you’re not alone This is a tricky one because you may have to go back in your memory and think of a person who you would be really embarrassed to see you yelling at your children. This could be your mother, your mother-in-law or maybe even a teacher or mentor. With this person in mind, pretend they are there with you monitoring your parenting. This came in handy a lot when I was a nanny. I would think to myself, “How would I feel if their parents were watching my every move?” You are a lot less likely to perform bad parenting behaviors if you are being “watched.” Give yourself a time out! Sometimes, it is not only the child who needs to calm down, but the parent needs to as well. If you can, walk into the next room and let yourself calm down for a few minutes. If you are unable to be away, simply do some “yoga” breathing, where you inhale through your nose and exhale very slowly through either your nose or mouth. Now that we know ways in which we can calm down and stop yelling, in the next article I will discuss the impact of parental role modeling and how this can affect our children for years to come. Please feel free to contact me at 541- 444-8262 or 800-922-1399, ext. 1262; or e-mail meganh@ctsi.nsn.us if you have a parental question you would like mentioned in a future article.
