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Nathan and Nolan Ike
Dawn DePoe-Ike and her husband,
Matthew Ike, welcomed twin boys
on Dec. 6 at Yakima Valley Memorial
Hospital.
Nathan William Ike (left), 6 pounds
and 5 ounces, was born at 5:39 p.m.
Nolan Kinswa Ike, 7 pounds and 1 ounce,
was born at 5:46 p.m. Both were 19
inches long.
Big sister Madelyn Roberta Ike cel-
ebrated her 3 rd birthday in September.
The children’s grandparents include
their grandmother, Suzanne DePoe; great-
grandfather, William DePoe Jr.; and on
their dad’s side, grandmother Janice Sam.
Congratulations to my beautiful
daughter, Dawn, and her husband, Mat-
thew, on their new additions.
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CTSI constantly is looking
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and extended sick leave. If you are
looking for temporary work that can
last from 2-12 weeks, please submit
an application for the temp pool.
Healthy Family Healthy Child Project: How to stop yelling at our children
By Megan Hawley, HFHCP Social
Service Advocate
“You’re really nice. My mom is mean,
all she does is yell at me.” – Child
“I don’t know why they don’t listen
to me. I ask them nicely and then I get
frustrated and have to yell at them. They
still don’t listen. I just don’t know what
to do. Sometimes, I just want to give
up.” – Parent
In the last article, I mentioned that
yelling can be very negative to the parent-
child relationship. In this article, I will go
further into this topic and discuss what is
wrong with yelling and ways we as adults
can stop doing it.
I know, sometimes yelling seems like
the best option. You may have several
children in your care and oftentimes the
only thing you can even think of doing is
yelling. Well, sometimes it works, so what
other options are there? This is a question
I have often thought myself.
During my time student teaching, as
a nanny and being the second eldest of
nine children, there were too many times
I simply wanted to just let out a big scream
while caring for children. Sometimes my
frustration was with the child who just
wanted five minutes more than the rest
of class at the end of recess so she would
cling to the slide with all her might. I had
to resist not embarrassing her in front of the
class by yelling for her to come and line up.
Or sometimes when it was fighting
siblings in the car, it would take some extra
effort to not just pull over and yell at them,
“Stop it! Right now, you two! Or so help
me God I will turn this car right around!”
Alas, I was not able to do these things
as I probably would have failed my classes
or maybe lost my job.
why not yell?
So what is so damaging about yelling
anyway? For one thing, I don’t know if
you as a parent, caregiver or whoever you
are have noticed, but it usually doesn’t
work out as well as we envisioned the
yelling playing in our heads.
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Siletz News
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According to Tamara Eberlein, author
of How I stopped yelling (and still got my
kids to listen), studies have determined
that yelling just excites children, which
can make them act even more aggres-
sively, so your child may hit his younger
brother even harder! This is not exactly
useful in trying to calm them down and
get them to behave.
After awhile, children begin to believe
that the only time a parent/guardian
means business is when he or she is yell-
ing, so of course when you do attempt to
speak to them in a regular calm tone, they
are not going to listen to you.
Yelling teaches children that this is
the only way to gain power, so you will
end up not only with a yelling parent, but
also yelling children. In time, your entire
household may be yelling at each other.
If you show your children what an
adult temper tantrum looks like on a
daily basis, then anger and rage become
a normal thing to your child, who then
may not learn how to control an escalated
situation. This eventually could lead
to a biter in preschool or an aggressive
middle school student who comes home
with grass stains from wrestling with a
classmate in the school yard.
One study found that children who
grew up in a home with a parent who was
verbally aggressive displayed higher rates
of physical aggression, delinquency and
interpersonal problems than children who
did not experience this.
Yelling at your child can send all sorts
of unwanted messages. To children, when
an adult shouts at them, it doesn’t matter
what the adult may be yelling at them. The
initial message you send your children
is that you don’t respect them enough to
properly take the time to speak to them
with respect. This is a huge and damaging
flaw in the act of yelling.
It is incredibly petrifying for a child to
experience being yelled at by the person
who is supposed to be the child’s stabil-
ity, their consistency. Losing your wits
displays to your children that you can’t
even control your own emotions, let alone
their well-being. This could cause a child
January 2013
to believe you might physically hurt her
and maybe even leave her.
To children, yelling is scary. I recall
being a child and I was relatively well-
behaved, so my mother didn’t yell at me
much. Because of this, I worried about what
would happen if I ever did get into trouble.
As an adult now, that is a very pow-
erful thing to know. As a child, I felt
respected when I wasn’t yelled at and I
liked this feeling so I didn’t want to find
any reason for my parents to yell at me.
This is clearly a very tough psycho-
logical thing for a child and even an adult.
The study Verbal Aggression by Parents
and Psychosocial Problems of Children
found that verbal aggression or yelling
is an experience that has severe negative
psychosocial ramifications on a child.
How does one control their temper
and quit yelling at their children?
Take notes, what started it?
One of the best ways to find your own
boiling point is to jot it down. It may be
difficult, but when you find you are about
to blow your top (or you already may have
blown it), write down details of what lead
you to that point.
What was going on? Were you strug-
gling to get dinner and homework done
at the same time? Did you get going late
and were you trying to rush the kids out
the door?
Develop a consistent routine
One of the biggest stressors is time
management. I know when I am in a rush,
I am more likely to snap at someone. My
fiancé knows this one well.
To solve this issue, one needs to
decrease the chaos and increase the orga-
nization. Give yourself and your children
certain times to get tasks done and keep
these tasks at the same times of the day.
You’ll have much less yelling if things are
predictable for all of you.
Wonder why your children are so
good at school, but not so good at home?
Well, everything is consistent at school.
Why not try using similar techniques to
have an organized family?
Ask your children to tell you what
they think of your yelling
Here is one that might open your eyes
to the way your child sees your verbal
aggression. Get down to your child’s level
and simply ask them how it makes them
feel when you get angry and yell at them.
Another approach would be to have
your child draw a picture of what she
thinks you look like when you are yelling.
Children can be incredibly honest and this
approach will help parents remember how
their yelling makes their children feel.
Pretend you’re not alone
This is a tricky one because you
may have to go back in your memory
and think of a person who you would be
really embarrassed to see you yelling at
your children. This could be your mother,
your mother-in-law or maybe even a
teacher or mentor. With this person in
mind, pretend they are there with you
monitoring your parenting.
This came in handy a lot when I was
a nanny. I would think to myself, “How
would I feel if their parents were watching
my every move?” You are a lot less likely
to perform bad parenting behaviors if you
are being “watched.”
Give yourself a time out!
Sometimes, it is not only the child
who needs to calm down, but the parent
needs to as well. If you can, walk into the
next room and let yourself calm down
for a few minutes. If you are unable to be
away, simply do some “yoga” breathing,
where you inhale through your nose and
exhale very slowly through either your
nose or mouth.
Now that we know ways in which
we can calm down and stop yelling, in
the next article I will discuss the impact
of parental role modeling and how this
can affect our children for years to come.
Please feel free to contact me at 541-
444-8262 or 800-922-1399, ext. 1262;
or e-mail meganh@ctsi.nsn.us if you
have a parental question you would like
mentioned in a future article.