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May Notes from the Healthy Family Healthy Child Project By Mark Kimball, Project Manager This month I will continue a dis cussion on communication with your children by calling this article “Com munication: Exploring alternatives and expressing your ideas and feelings to chil dren.” I will cover three topics - exploring alternatives, problem ownership and the use of I-messages. In the article in the April edition of Siletz News, I discussed the skill of reflec tive listening, how to help children feel understood by making open responses to their communication of emotions. Through your use of reflective listen ing, children can clarify their feelings and consider a problem more rationally. Sometimes they can discover their own solutions simply by being heard by an understanding adult. There are other times when children need help in considering various courses of action. Sensitive adults can help them explore alternatives and choose solutions that make sense to them. The process of exploring alterna tives should not be confused with giving advice. Giving advice, such as “Do this ...” or “1 think you should ...” is not help ful for the following reasons: • • • Advice does not help children learn to solve their own problems. It invites them to be dependent upon you. Many children resist taking advice. They either are skeptical that your advice will work or they don’t want to do what you say. If your advice doesn’t work, guess who they will hold responsible for giving them “bad” advice? To help a child explore alternatives means to assist him or her in identifying and considering the options available to solve a problem. It means helping the child evaluate each course of action and then obtain a commitment to action. The steps in exploring alternatives are: Use reflective listening to under stand and clarify the child’s feelings (“You’re angry ...” or “It seems to me that you feel ...”). 2. Explore alternatives through brain storming (“Shall we look at some things you could do about this?” or “If you’re interested in getting along better with your teacher, what are some things you could do?”). Get as many ideas from the child as possible. 3. Assist the child in choosing a solution (“Which idea do you think is the best one?”). Help him or her evaluate the various possibilities. 4. Discuss the probable results of the decision (“What do you think will happen if you do that?”). 5. Obtain a commitment (What have you decided to do?” or “When are you going to do this?”). 6. Plan a time for evaluation (“How long will you do this?” or “When shall we discuss this again?”). 1. It’s important that you, as a parent, do not rush into the process of exploring alter natives too quickly. If you do, your child may think you are being manipulative. 14 * Siletz News • Keep suggestions to a minimum so the child is not invited to depend on you for ideas. Open communication must be maintained for exploration of alternatives to be effective. • • Problem ownership Let’s look at the concept of problem ownership. The techniques of reflective listening and exploring alternatives are especially helpful when the child is the one experiencing the problem. There remains a question of what to do when you are the one experiencing a problem with your children. Before you examine the options open to you, consider the questions of problem ownership. To determine problem owner ship, simply ask whose problem is it, who is experiencing difficulty with whom and whose purposes are not being met? Once you determine who owns the problem, you are in a position to take action. If your child owns the problem, you may decide (depending on the situation) to listen, explore alternatives or allow the child to face the consequences indepen dently. If you find that you are the owner of the problem, several other courses of action may be open to you. (-messages To influence your child, you must be able to communicate in a manner that makes it likely that your feelings, mean ings and intentions are being understood. In many families, parents do not expect children to listen; they expect to have to repeat every request at least once or pos sibly more. Their children have trained them to repeat every message. Parents sometimes create conditions that invite their children not to listen. For example: When we talk without expecting to be heard, we are training our children to be “parent-deaf.” If our children are expected to take us seriously only when we “let them know we really mean it,” we are training them to tune us out at other times. When talking with your children, it’s helpful to think in terms of you-messages and I-messages. A you-message lays blame and conveys criticism of the child. It suggests the child is at fault. It’s simply a verbal attack. In contrast, an I-message simply describes how the child’s behavior makes you feel. The message focuses on you, not on the child. It reports what you feel and does not assign blame. An I-message expresses what the sender is feeling. It is specific. In an I-message, the nonverbal elements, such as tone of voice, are cru cial. I-messages require a nonjudgmen- tal attitude. An I-message delivered in anger becomes a you-message conveying hostility. I am not trying to say that you should never be angry with your children. The difficulties lie not in anger itself, but in the purpose of the anger, which may be to control, win or get even. One also should be aware of the frequency of the use of anger. Frequent use of anger often produces the follow ing results: May 2011 A child’s goal of power or revenge is reinforced. When you get angry, the child knows that his or her attempts to provoke you have succeeded. Communication is stifled. The child feels threatened and becomes defen sive or counterattacks in an effort to save face. It’s important to remember that if the relationship between parent and child is based on mutual respect, occasional anger can clear the air and foster com munication. But if the relationship is not soundly based (if parent and child have frequent conflict), the use of anger can do further damage. If your relationship with your own children is in the latter category, consider doing the following: • • Become aware of the purpose(s) of your anger. Look for alternatives to using anger as a way to relate to your child. Constructing an I-message Before expressing your feelings of displeasure to the child, consider this: It’s usually not the child’s behavior per se that’s displeasing you, but rather the consequences the behavior produces for you - how it interferes with your needs or rights. If the child’s behavior did not produce these consequences, you prob ably would not be bothered by it (unless it’s harmful or dangerous). Because we want to focus on the consequences the behavior creates for us, rather than on the behavior itself, an I-message generally has three parts. It can be constructed by following these steps: If you want to improve your relation ship with your child, find the proper time for a friendly talk. It’s usually best not to try talking in the midst of conflict or dis pute. At such times, it’s best to withdraw from conflict, maintaining mutual respect. Your display of respect during times of conflict makes it possible to open discus sion at a later time. Communication based on mutual respect also rests on your willingness to admit the limits of your knowledge; to admit that you do not have all the answers. If you cannot answer a child’s ques tion, don’t try to fake an answer. Instead, invite the child to seek the answer with you. Children are very sensitive to their parents’ credibility and feel embarrassed when their parents try to fake or bluff knowledge they lack. The use of sarcasm and ridicule not only stifle communication, they are destructive to human relationships. Chil dren must be allowed to express their feel ings without fear of being put down. When parents establish a climate free of fear, their children are able to reveal their feelings. When we speak, we communicate our beliefs and values. If you believe your children are able, worthy and well- intentioned, you will communicate that through the words and gestures you use. “Billy is usually stubborn.” “Cindy can’t do math.” Unfortunately, children tend to make our labels come true. Label ing puts one into the role of judge - a coun terproductive attitude in raising children. Faith in the child will help you avoid using labels. It’s important to communicate your love and appreciation to your child. To summarize, effective communica tion involves both listening and talking: 4. In summary, an I-message generally refers to three elements of a situation: 5. 6. 1. 2. 3. 7. 8. 9. 2. 3. Behavior Feeling Consequence A simple procedure or formula is helpful in constructing many I-messages. Think of stating an I-message by using the following phrases: 1. When (state the behavior), 2.1 feel (state the feeling) and 3. Because (state the consequences). Construction of an I-message depends upon the situation. The most important things to remember about I-messages are that they focus on you. They do not focus on the child and they do not place blame on anyone. How do we communicate to our children that we value and respect them? The kind of communication we seek emerges from a relationship in which the child feels respected. It also depends on good timing. Purposeful conversation - talking with each other to understand what the other means Reflective listening responses that indicate you understand the child’s feelings I-messages - blame-free messages about your positive feelings and things that bother you A nonjudgmental attitude that respects the child Appropriate timing Restrict talk to friendly exchanges as much as possible. Avoid pressure, sarcasm and ridicule. Avoid labeling. Show your faith and confidence in your child. 1. Describe the behavior that is inter fering with you (just describe, don’t blame). Example: “When you don’t call or come home after school...” State your feelings about the conse quence the behavior produces for you. Example: “I worry that something might have happened to you ...” State the consequence. Example: .. because I don’t know where you are.” 1. 2. 3. J ... k Siletz Veterans Office Open Daily Tony Molina is available for all Siletz Tribal veterans. He is in the Tribal administration building in Siletz on Monday- Friday to help you get information for your VA benefits. Additionally, he needs your help to update our veterans’ roster, especially for those who are cur rently serving. Call Tony at 541-444-8330 or 800-922-1399, ext. 1330. Î