May Notes from the Healthy Family Healthy Child Project
By Mark Kimball, Project Manager
This month I will continue a dis
cussion on communication with your
children by calling this article “Com
munication: Exploring alternatives and
expressing your ideas and feelings to chil
dren.” I will cover three topics - exploring
alternatives, problem ownership and the
use of I-messages.
In the article in the April edition of
Siletz News, I discussed the skill of reflec
tive listening, how to help children feel
understood by making open responses
to their communication of emotions.
Through your use of reflective listen
ing, children can clarify their feelings
and consider a problem more rationally.
Sometimes they can discover their own
solutions simply by being heard by an
understanding adult.
There are other times when children
need help in considering various courses
of action. Sensitive adults can help them
explore alternatives and choose solutions
that make sense to them.
The process of exploring alterna
tives should not be confused with giving
advice. Giving advice, such as “Do this
...” or “1 think you should ...” is not help
ful for the following reasons:
•
•
•
Advice does not help children learn
to solve their own problems. It invites
them to be dependent upon you.
Many children resist taking advice.
They either are skeptical that your
advice will work or they don’t want
to do what you say.
If your advice doesn’t work, guess
who they will hold responsible for
giving them “bad” advice?
To help a child explore alternatives
means to assist him or her in identifying
and considering the options available to
solve a problem. It means helping the
child evaluate each course of action and
then obtain a commitment to action.
The steps in exploring alternatives are:
Use reflective listening to under
stand and clarify the child’s feelings
(“You’re angry ...” or “It seems to me
that you feel ...”).
2. Explore alternatives through brain
storming (“Shall we look at some
things you could do about this?” or
“If you’re interested in getting along
better with your teacher, what are
some things you could do?”). Get as
many ideas from the child as possible.
3. Assist the child in choosing a solution
(“Which idea do you think is the best
one?”). Help him or her evaluate the
various possibilities.
4. Discuss the probable results of the
decision (“What do you think will
happen if you do that?”).
5. Obtain a commitment (What have
you decided to do?” or “When are
you going to do this?”).
6. Plan a time for evaluation (“How long
will you do this?” or “When shall we
discuss this again?”).
1.
It’s important that you, as a parent, do
not rush into the process of exploring alter
natives too quickly. If you do, your child
may think you are being manipulative.
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Siletz News
•
Keep suggestions to a minimum so
the child is not invited to depend on you
for ideas. Open communication must be
maintained for exploration of alternatives
to be effective.
•
•
Problem ownership
Let’s look at the concept of problem
ownership. The techniques of reflective
listening and exploring alternatives are
especially helpful when the child is the
one experiencing the problem. There
remains a question of what to do when
you are the one experiencing a problem
with your children.
Before you examine the options open
to you, consider the questions of problem
ownership. To determine problem owner
ship, simply ask whose problem is it, who
is experiencing difficulty with whom and
whose purposes are not being met? Once
you determine who owns the problem,
you are in a position to take action.
If your child owns the problem, you
may decide (depending on the situation)
to listen, explore alternatives or allow the
child to face the consequences indepen
dently. If you find that you are the owner
of the problem, several other courses of
action may be open to you.
(-messages
To influence your child, you must
be able to communicate in a manner that
makes it likely that your feelings, mean
ings and intentions are being understood.
In many families, parents do not expect
children to listen; they expect to have to
repeat every request at least once or pos
sibly more. Their children have trained
them to repeat every message.
Parents sometimes create conditions
that invite their children not to listen. For
example: When we talk without expecting
to be heard, we are training our children
to be “parent-deaf.” If our children are
expected to take us seriously only when
we “let them know we really mean it,”
we are training them to tune us out at
other times.
When talking with your children, it’s
helpful to think in terms of you-messages
and I-messages. A you-message lays
blame and conveys criticism of the child.
It suggests the child is at fault. It’s simply
a verbal attack.
In contrast, an I-message simply
describes how the child’s behavior makes
you feel. The message focuses on you,
not on the child. It reports what you feel
and does not assign blame. An I-message
expresses what the sender is feeling. It
is specific.
In an I-message, the nonverbal
elements, such as tone of voice, are cru
cial. I-messages require a nonjudgmen-
tal attitude. An I-message delivered in
anger becomes a you-message conveying
hostility.
I am not trying to say that you should
never be angry with your children. The
difficulties lie not in anger itself, but in
the purpose of the anger, which may be
to control, win or get even.
One also should be aware of the
frequency of the use of anger. Frequent
use of anger often produces the follow
ing results:
May 2011
A child’s goal of power or revenge is
reinforced. When you get angry, the
child knows that his or her attempts
to provoke you have succeeded.
Communication is stifled. The child
feels threatened and becomes defen
sive or counterattacks in an effort to
save face.
It’s important to remember that if
the relationship between parent and child
is based on mutual respect, occasional
anger can clear the air and foster com
munication. But if the relationship is not
soundly based (if parent and child have
frequent conflict), the use of anger can
do further damage.
If your relationship with your own
children is in the latter category, consider
doing the following:
•
•
Become aware of the purpose(s) of
your anger.
Look for alternatives to using anger
as a way to relate to your child.
Constructing an I-message
Before expressing your feelings of
displeasure to the child, consider this:
It’s usually not the child’s behavior per
se that’s displeasing you, but rather the
consequences the behavior produces for
you - how it interferes with your needs
or rights. If the child’s behavior did not
produce these consequences, you prob
ably would not be bothered by it (unless
it’s harmful or dangerous).
Because we want to focus on the
consequences the behavior creates for
us, rather than on the behavior itself, an
I-message generally has three parts. It can
be constructed by following these steps:
If you want to improve your relation
ship with your child, find the proper time
for a friendly talk. It’s usually best not to
try talking in the midst of conflict or dis
pute. At such times, it’s best to withdraw
from conflict, maintaining mutual respect.
Your display of respect during times of
conflict makes it possible to open discus
sion at a later time.
Communication based on mutual
respect also rests on your willingness to
admit the limits of your knowledge; to
admit that you do not have all the answers.
If you cannot answer a child’s ques
tion, don’t try to fake an answer. Instead,
invite the child to seek the answer with
you. Children are very sensitive to their
parents’ credibility and feel embarrassed
when their parents try to fake or bluff
knowledge they lack.
The use of sarcasm and ridicule
not only stifle communication, they are
destructive to human relationships. Chil
dren must be allowed to express their feel
ings without fear of being put down. When
parents establish a climate free of fear, their
children are able to reveal their feelings.
When we speak, we communicate
our beliefs and values. If you believe
your children are able, worthy and well-
intentioned, you will communicate that
through the words and gestures you use.
“Billy is usually stubborn.” “Cindy
can’t do math.” Unfortunately, children
tend to make our labels come true. Label
ing puts one into the role of judge - a coun
terproductive attitude in raising children.
Faith in the child will help you avoid
using labels. It’s important to communicate
your love and appreciation to your child.
To summarize, effective communica
tion involves both listening and talking:
4.
In summary, an I-message generally
refers to three elements of a situation:
5.
6.
1.
2.
3.
7.
8.
9.
2.
3.
Behavior
Feeling
Consequence
A simple procedure or formula is
helpful in constructing many I-messages.
Think of stating an I-message by using
the following phrases: 1. When (state the
behavior), 2.1 feel (state the feeling) and
3. Because (state the consequences).
Construction of an I-message depends
upon the situation. The most important
things to remember about I-messages are
that they focus on you. They do not focus
on the child and they do not place blame
on anyone.
How do we communicate to our
children that we value and respect them?
The kind of communication we seek
emerges from a relationship in which the
child feels respected. It also depends on
good timing.
Purposeful conversation - talking
with each other to understand what
the other means
Reflective listening responses that
indicate you understand the child’s
feelings
I-messages - blame-free messages
about your positive feelings and
things that bother you
A nonjudgmental attitude that
respects the child
Appropriate timing
Restrict talk to friendly exchanges as
much as possible.
Avoid pressure, sarcasm and ridicule.
Avoid labeling.
Show your faith and confidence in
your child.
1.
Describe the behavior that is inter
fering with you (just describe, don’t
blame). Example: “When you don’t
call or come home after school...”
State your feelings about the conse
quence the behavior produces for you.
Example: “I worry that something
might have happened to you ...”
State the consequence. Example: ..
because I don’t know where you are.”
1.
2.
3.
J
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Siletz Veterans
Office Open Daily
Tony Molina is available for
all Siletz Tribal veterans. He is in
the Tribal administration building
in Siletz on Monday- Friday to
help you get information for your
VA benefits.
Additionally, he needs your
help to update our veterans’ roster,
especially for those who are cur
rently serving.
Call Tony at 541-444-8330 or
800-922-1399, ext. 1330.
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