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February notes from the Healthy Family Healthy Child Project By Mark Kimball, Project Manager • In November, I discussed discipline in this space and introduced the subject of natural and logical consequences. As so often happens in this article, it seems I have just barely provided readers with a concept and have not given you enough details to consider. I would like to rectify that and offer an expanded discussion of this subject as it’s one that is dear to my heart. Consequences are what influence most of what we do. Unpleasant outcomes usually keep us from repeating the same decision. Consequences are what help us become responsible people. We do the right things because we don’t like the outcomes if we don’t. If we make bad choices and experi ence no bad outcomes, we learn nothing and continue to make the bad choices. Giving kids consequences for misbe haviors typically comes pretty naturally to parents. Deciding what consequences are appropriate, however, can be a more difficult decision. Creating fair, age-appropriate conse quences that actually teach a lesson rather than just cause discomfort can take some creativity and thought. These are precisely the two states of mind, however, that people have difficulty entering into while they are upset or angry. For this reason, it’s better for parents to think up consequences in advance, before misbehaviors occur, rather than try to do it when upset. Effective consequences will tend to be ones that naturally follow from the misbehavior or are logically related to the misbehavior. Naturally or logically connected consequences mimic the way consequences actually work in the real world and therefore make intuitive sense to children. True natural consequences are auto matic and unpleasant outcomes that happen as a direct result of kids’ choices. Parents don’t have to brainstorm these consequences; they just happen. For example, when older children regularly leave their bicycle outside it might be stolen, hit by an adult driving down the highway or get rusty from the rain. As a result, children lose the ability to ride their bikes because they are ruined or lost. Children then will learn to take care of their bicycles and their property. Being exposed to natural consequences of misbehaviors (rather than being pro tected from them) helps children learn how to think through the likely consequences of their actions. This is the major love- motivated purpose of disciplining children in the first place, so they will grow up to be self-guiding, effective adults. Natural consequences can be very ef fective teachers. I would suggest, however, that the use of natural consequences can be dangerous if not used with common sense. It’s more important to keep children safe from harm than to teach them lessons. Parents always should evaluate the possible outcomes of allowing a natural consequence to happen. Let me use an extreme example. Letting a child get hit by a car when he runs into the street is never an acceptable type of natural con sequence (even though it’s likely to teach surviving children to stay on the sidewalk in the future). 8 • Siletz News • Obviously, running into the street is a an aversive consequence for wrongdoing. These aversive consequences inflict pain or very extreme example, but parents need to other unpleasant outcomes that can be harmful to the child. keep kids’ safety in mind at all times, even The key difference between logical consequences and punishment goes back when consequences are less deadly. to the idea that consequences should be related, respectful and reasonable. While a Logical consequences are artificial consequence may at times “feel” punitive, the way the parent presents it to the child (not direct or automatic, but rather, and its relation to the inappropriate behavior is what distinguishes it from aversive imposed) consequences that parents punishment. The table found below summarizes the differences: create and enforce in order to teach chil dren important lessons about choices and behaviors. Logical consequences need to Logical Consequences Punishment be related, respectful and reasonable. Teach Controls Related means the consequence is Leave the child with feelings of control Leaves the child feeling powerless connected to the child’s behavior and its Make use of thinking words function. Consequences also need to be Often uses fighting words given with empathy and in a respectful Provide choices with firm limits Demands compliance tone of voice. Are given with empathy Is often given with anger When a child is not treated respect Are tied to the time, place of the infraction Is often arbitrary fully, he or she may become aggressive, Are never used to get revenge passive, resentful or uncooperative. We as May be used to get revenge adults and parents demand respect from Teach children to take responsibility for Results in children focusing on the adult our children. What better way to teach their actions delivering the punishment rather than respect than to show it? on their actions Reasonable refers to consequences that are fair and appropriate to the situ ation and the child’s age. Therefore, the Natural and logical consequences work best if the child is told what will happen consequence should be related to the mis if a rule is broken. The parent explains the reasons for the rules and consequences and behavior, respectful of the child’s feelings the child is given a choice. The parent, however, has to be willing to accept the child’s and not too severe for the misbehavior. decision and enforce the consequence when needed. If parents follow these guidelines, Additionally, the parent needs to let the rules be in charge; it should not become their children are more likely to learn a personal struggle. If the child feels the rules are not fair, the parent and child should how to make responsible decisions and sit down and talk about the rules at a later date. Together, they may decide to change become capable, caring adults. some rules or consequences. Often, removing a privilege connected Consequences work best when they are agreed upon in advance. Family meetings with misbehavior can be a powerful conse provide a good opportunity to agree upon the future consequences of failing to do chores, quence. Being able to indulge in privileges missing curfews, fighting or breaking family rules. While it’s not possible to anticipate is rewarding and pleasant for children. It every behavior, the more parents discuss their expectations, rules and consequences in is aversive for children to not be able to advance, the more receptive the child will be to understanding and following them. engage in their favorite privileges. Parents also should elicit the child’s opinion on the rules and consequences. By Children remember the unpleasant participating in creating rules and consequences, the child’s sense of responsibility ness of the consequence and their desire to will be strengthened as will his or her self-discipline. not experience this unpleasantness again reinforces their ability to make the right choice in the future. For instance, when a young child refuses to eat any vegetables at dinner, a logical consequence can be that the child doesn’t get the special dessert treat mom baked that day. Whether using a natural or logical consequence, parents should simply and Apply to: Application Postmarked: February 18,2011 briefly explain the consequence to their Sandra K. Begay (ampbril Location: Sandia National Laboratories Sandia National Laboratories kids and not allow themselves to get drawn Albuquerque, New Mexico PO Box 5800 into an argument or debate. Should children Albuquerque, New Mexico 87185 not respond to the parents’ communication Telephone: (505)844-5418 Internship Duration: 12 weeks of consequences and mend their ways, skbegay asandta.gov parents must follow through and deliver Background: The Tribal Energy Program promotes tribal energy self-sufficiency. economic development the consequences all of the time. and employment on tribal lands through the use of renewable energy and energy efficiency If parents forget, back down or don’t technologies follow through with the consequence as promised even just a few times, children Eligibility: Current college upper-classmen and graduate students, who are familiar with Native Americui culture and tribal issues, are needed to support the Tribal Energy Program efforts with technical will learn that consequences are not real project tasks Students are needed to assist a cross-dtsctphnarv team to perform specific tasks (or at least can be manipulated) and this Interactions will be with Sandia's renewable energy staff; Native Amencm tribes interested tn knowledge will double their efforts to renewable systems and Sandia's American Indian Outreach Committee Instant immersion in these activities is offered in working directly with experienced and internationally recognized peers. misbehave again in the future because Travel will be required, including field visits to renewable energy projects they will think they can get away with the misbehavior. Required: As authorized by the Tribal Energy Program, the student applicant must be a US Citizen and be a Native American as defined as a member of a recognized Federally recognized Tribe, Remember - it’s better to prevent Alaska Village or Alaska Corporation (not state recognized, not bands or groups, or flrat problems than deal with them after they peoples of (,uam or Hawaii). Specific interest m renewable energy is required. have happened. When it comes to our chil NOTE: Applicants must pan a pre-cm ploymeat security check (local & federal law enforcement, driver’s history, personal references, r du ration si. credit A employment checks). dren, we should have pre-set consequences already in mind. This makes it easier to Application Instructions: enforce when you need to do so. z Apply to contact address listed at the top of the announcement prior to the deadline. Z Apply using a personal resume including GPA (3.2 Bachelors. 3.5 Masters. 3.7 PhD) and all Despite the kids knowing what will relevant work experience and outside activities. Include your phone number & email address. happen if they misbehave, they will Z Indude al college transcripts (official copies are required). misbehave. It’s human nature to resist ✓ Complete the questionnaire included with this announcement. someone telling us what to do. But there Salary & Relocation Expenses: must be outcomes to poor choices. Conse • Salary commensurate with number of hours completed by the end of the 2010 Fall semester in quences are not always punishment. an appropriate technical major • Sandia will pay relocation expenses (mileage and per diem or round trip airfare) for a school Logical consequences are often con site > 50 miles from Albuquerque. New Mexico fused with punishment. Punishment is February 2011
