February notes from the Healthy Family Healthy Child Project
By Mark Kimball, Project Manager
• In November, I discussed discipline
in this space and introduced the subject of
natural and logical consequences. As so
often happens in this article, it seems I have
just barely provided readers with a concept
and have not given you enough details to
consider. I would like to rectify that and
offer an expanded discussion of this subject
as it’s one that is dear to my heart.
Consequences are what influence
most of what we do. Unpleasant outcomes
usually keep us from repeating the
same decision.
Consequences are what help us become
responsible people. We do the right things
because we don’t like the outcomes if we
don’t. If we make bad choices and experi
ence no bad outcomes, we learn nothing
and continue to make the bad choices.
Giving kids consequences for misbe
haviors typically comes pretty naturally
to parents. Deciding what consequences
are appropriate, however, can be a more
difficult decision.
Creating fair, age-appropriate conse
quences that actually teach a lesson rather
than just cause discomfort can take some
creativity and thought. These are precisely
the two states of mind, however, that people
have difficulty entering into while they are
upset or angry. For this reason, it’s better
for parents to think up consequences in
advance, before misbehaviors occur, rather
than try to do it when upset.
Effective consequences will tend to
be ones that naturally follow from the
misbehavior or are logically related to
the misbehavior. Naturally or logically
connected consequences mimic the way
consequences actually work in the real
world and therefore make intuitive sense
to children.
True natural consequences are auto
matic and unpleasant outcomes that
happen as a direct result of kids’ choices.
Parents don’t have to brainstorm these
consequences; they just happen.
For example, when older children
regularly leave their bicycle outside it
might be stolen, hit by an adult driving
down the highway or get rusty from the
rain. As a result, children lose the ability
to ride their bikes because they are ruined
or lost. Children then will learn to take
care of their bicycles and their property.
Being exposed to natural consequences
of misbehaviors (rather than being pro
tected from them) helps children learn how
to think through the likely consequences
of their actions. This is the major love-
motivated purpose of disciplining children
in the first place, so they will grow up to
be self-guiding, effective adults.
Natural consequences can be very ef
fective teachers. I would suggest, however,
that the use of natural consequences can be
dangerous if not used with common sense.
It’s more important to keep children safe
from harm than to teach them lessons.
Parents always should evaluate the
possible outcomes of allowing a natural
consequence to happen. Let me use an
extreme example. Letting a child get hit
by a car when he runs into the street is
never an acceptable type of natural con
sequence (even though it’s likely to teach
surviving children to stay on the sidewalk
in the future).
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Obviously, running into the street is a
an aversive consequence for wrongdoing. These aversive consequences inflict pain or
very extreme example, but parents need to
other unpleasant outcomes that can be harmful to the child.
keep kids’ safety in mind at all times, even
The key difference between logical consequences and punishment goes back
when consequences are less deadly.
to the idea that consequences should be related, respectful and reasonable. While a
Logical consequences are artificial
consequence may at times “feel” punitive, the way the parent presents it to the child
(not direct or automatic, but rather,
and its relation to the inappropriate behavior is what distinguishes it from aversive
imposed) consequences that parents
punishment. The table found below summarizes the differences:
create and enforce in order to teach chil
dren important lessons about choices and
behaviors. Logical consequences need to
Logical Consequences
Punishment
be related, respectful and reasonable.
Teach
Controls
Related means the consequence is
Leave the child with feelings of control
Leaves the child feeling powerless
connected to the child’s behavior and its
Make use of thinking words
function. Consequences also need to be
Often uses fighting words
given with empathy and in a respectful
Provide choices with firm limits
Demands compliance
tone of voice.
Are given with empathy
Is often given with anger
When a child is not treated respect
Are tied to the time, place of the infraction
Is often arbitrary
fully, he or she may become aggressive,
Are never used to get revenge
passive, resentful or uncooperative. We as
May be used to get revenge
adults and parents demand respect from
Teach children to take responsibility for
Results in children focusing on the adult
our children. What better way to teach
their actions
delivering the punishment rather than
respect than to show it?
on their actions
Reasonable refers to consequences
that are fair and appropriate to the situ
ation and the child’s age. Therefore, the
Natural and logical consequences work best if the child is told what will happen
consequence should be related to the mis
if a rule is broken. The parent explains the reasons for the rules and consequences and
behavior, respectful of the child’s feelings
the child is given a choice. The parent, however, has to be willing to accept the child’s
and not too severe for the misbehavior.
decision and enforce the consequence when needed.
If parents follow these guidelines,
Additionally, the parent needs to let the rules be in charge; it should not become
their children are more likely to learn
a personal struggle. If the child feels the rules are not fair, the parent and child should
how to make responsible decisions and
sit down and talk about the rules at a later date. Together, they may decide to change
become capable, caring adults.
some rules or consequences.
Often, removing a privilege connected
Consequences work best when they are agreed upon in advance. Family meetings
with misbehavior can be a powerful conse
provide a good opportunity to agree upon the future consequences of failing to do chores,
quence. Being able to indulge in privileges
missing curfews, fighting or breaking family rules. While it’s not possible to anticipate
is rewarding and pleasant for children. It
every behavior, the more parents discuss their expectations, rules and consequences in
is aversive for children to not be able to
advance, the more receptive the child will be to understanding and following them.
engage in their favorite privileges.
Parents also should elicit the child’s opinion on the rules and consequences. By
Children remember the unpleasant
participating in creating rules and consequences, the child’s sense of responsibility
ness of the consequence and their desire to
will be strengthened as will his or her self-discipline.
not experience this unpleasantness again
reinforces their ability to make the right
choice in the future. For instance, when a
young child refuses to eat any vegetables
at dinner, a logical consequence can
be that the child doesn’t get the special
dessert treat mom baked that day.
Whether using a natural or logical
consequence, parents should simply and
Apply to:
Application Postmarked: February 18,2011
briefly explain the consequence to their
Sandra K. Begay (ampbril
Location: Sandia National Laboratories
Sandia National Laboratories
kids and not allow themselves to get drawn
Albuquerque, New Mexico
PO Box 5800
into an argument or debate. Should children
Albuquerque, New Mexico 87185
not respond to the parents’ communication
Telephone: (505)844-5418
Internship Duration: 12 weeks
of consequences and mend their ways,
skbegay asandta.gov
parents must follow through and deliver
Background: The Tribal Energy Program promotes tribal energy self-sufficiency. economic development
the consequences all of the time.
and employment on tribal lands through the use of renewable energy and energy efficiency
If parents forget, back down or don’t
technologies
follow through with the consequence as
promised even just a few times, children
Eligibility: Current college upper-classmen and graduate students, who are familiar with Native Americui
culture and tribal issues, are needed to support the Tribal Energy Program efforts with technical
will learn that consequences are not real
project tasks Students are needed to assist a cross-dtsctphnarv team to perform specific tasks
(or at least can be manipulated) and this
Interactions will be with Sandia's renewable energy staff; Native Amencm tribes interested tn
knowledge will double their efforts to
renewable systems and Sandia's American Indian Outreach Committee Instant immersion in these
activities is offered in working directly with experienced and internationally recognized peers.
misbehave again in the future because
Travel will be required, including field visits to renewable energy projects
they will think they can get away with
the misbehavior.
Required: As authorized by the Tribal Energy Program, the student applicant must be a US Citizen
and be a Native American as defined as a member of a recognized Federally recognized Tribe,
Remember - it’s better to prevent
Alaska Village or Alaska Corporation (not state recognized, not bands or groups, or flrat
problems than deal with them after they
peoples of (,uam or Hawaii). Specific interest m renewable energy is required.
have happened. When it comes to our chil
NOTE: Applicants must pan a pre-cm ploymeat security check (local & federal law
enforcement,
driver’s history, personal references, r du ration si. credit A employment checks).
dren, we should have pre-set consequences
already in mind. This makes it easier to
Application Instructions:
enforce when you need to do so.
z
Apply to contact address listed at the top of the announcement prior to the deadline.
Z
Apply using a personal resume including GPA (3.2 Bachelors. 3.5 Masters. 3.7 PhD) and all
Despite the kids knowing what will
relevant work experience and outside activities. Include your phone number & email address.
happen if they misbehave, they will
Z
Indude al college transcripts (official copies are required).
misbehave. It’s human nature to resist
✓
Complete the questionnaire included with this announcement.
someone telling us what to do. But there
Salary & Relocation Expenses:
must be outcomes to poor choices. Conse
•
Salary commensurate with number of hours completed by the end of the 2010 Fall semester in
quences are not always punishment.
an appropriate technical major
•
Sandia will pay relocation expenses (mileage and per diem or round trip airfare) for a school
Logical consequences are often con
site > 50 miles from Albuquerque. New Mexico
fused with punishment. Punishment is
February 2011