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About Applegater. (Jacksonville, OR) 2008-current | View Entire Issue (July 1, 2011)
14 Summer 2011 Applegater Tall Tales from the Editor Focus or Salute I was off to town for an eye Kurt suggested we get a picture of my exam, something I hadn’t done for, oh, I eyes—a laser-generated digital photo, to don’t know . . . before bin Laden became be exact. That way, we’d have a baseline America’s most wanted, but after the to see how healthy or sickly my eyes were embarrassing debacle with Florida and the in the future. Tiffany was the assistant who set 2000 presidential election. My canine friend, Barney McGee, me up for the photos. She explained that, was jumping around the back seat of my one eye at a time, I was to look into this green Ram pickup with a little more gusto large, metal box—an “optomap” that was than normal. He always gets excited when hooked up to a computer. I was to look I say, “Hey, Monster Boy, do you wanna straight at this small green spot, move my go for a ride?” The word “go” makes him head around until I could see a red circle focus on one of his favorite pastimes, kind going around the green spot. I was then of like I do when I hear the words “ice to tell Tiffany when I had everything lined up, focus straight ahead with eyes as wide cream” or “girls.” These days I have to strap McGee open as I could, and she’d snap the picture. “You blinked again, J.D.,” she’d into the seat belt. I never would have thought I’d resort to such a thing, but say. Just like in the seventh grade, I would I never had a dog who wanted to race take the test “over and over” again. Didn’t oncoming cars from the back seat, either. the British band The Dave Clark Five have I’m told that the doggie seat belt is a song by that title? Finally, Tiffany had to tape my an important safety factor for your pooch. Just like for humans, a belt will keep your eyelid wide open. I never would have dog from going through the windshield if thought I would have found taped eyelids a quick stop is necessary or you run into so pleasurable. “Ooh, I like this taped something. In McGee’s case, it also keeps eyelid,” I muttered as I looked into the him in the back seat as opposed to trying optomap again. Flash! A bright green light lit up my brain to push me out of the and she said, “We driver’s seat so he can hen i removed the tape, got it. Let’s tape the size up an oncoming it didn’t remove my other eyelid.” Hmm, vehicle to see if it’s eyebrows like, say, a wax job I’m going to have to worth his time to race would. that was a good thing… talk to my bride Sioux them from inside my about the pleasures of truck. I know I could strap him in the eyelid taping. When I removed the tape, it truck bed, but I like talking to McGee. He’s usually very agreeable with me. That didn’t remove my eyebrows like, say, a is, until he spots an oncoming vehicle of wax job would. That was a good thing, because Tiffany pointed out that they’d his liking. For my eye exam, I went to have to charge extra for custom-designed my neighbor, Kurt Wilkening, O.D., at eyebrows. When Kurt showed me the Eyecare Associates in Medford. This was my first exam by Kurt; I thought if I was digital photos on his computer screen, I going to need to learn braille, I wanted to was reminded of an old black light poster. You could see everything: blood vessels, hear it from someone I knew. I was focused on eliminating arteries, optic nerve, etc. Kurt pointed out things that might be contributing to my that there was no plaque buildup in my eye migraine headaches that seem to be never- arteries; in fact, my optic nerve looked as ending since the radiation treatment I had healthy as a 16-year-old. “Right on,” I said. Finally— for my reoccurring prostate cancer earlier this year. My eyes seemed like a good place something that wasn’t falling apart or listed as a recall flaw on my 1951 body. to focus on first. “This is totally cool,” I told Kurt. I zipped right through the first part of the eye exam with much “Upper management (my bride Sioux) better results than I had received zipping has told me often that I have the mind of through my school exams at Avon High in a twelve-year-old, and now you tell me I Indiana. I wasn’t sure if my buddy Marty have the optic nerve of a 16-year-old. Well, “Chickslayer” Wilson and I would ever that must explain the girl-watching. And graduate from study hall. Neither of us with the State handing me a driver license had much of a focus on school—except and telling me I could buy beer legally, I for girls, becoming rock stars, and more think it’s now clear, even to my pubescent girls. You might need to add girls a few mind, why I get into so much trouble.” Kurt wanted to know if he could more times to get the real picture. Anyway, back to my eye exam… ride along in the back seat. Scoot over, W Barney McGee. (I’m sure he would love future included addiction to caffeine. to share his back-seat seat belt with Kurt.) (Did you know that around 90 percent But wait—let me focus on this of Americans consume caffeine in some scenario for a minute: Do you think a form or another?) After five years, de Clieu’s one judge would buy this as my defense for some sort of rule infraction I may or may surviving coffee tree had yielded 2,000 not have committed? “Your honor, I new coffee trees. He then sent seeds to should be tried as a juvenile because I have other French colonies and, eventually, the the mind of a 12-year-old and the optic Dutch monopoly was broken. That meant nerve of a 16-year-old. I just can’t explain that the average person could afford to drink lots of coffee and focus on the day the graying hair or all the wrinkles.” The next morning, I was sitting on ahead of them. I’m surprised that we don’t have a the couch in our living room sucking down my second very large cup of coffee. I was statue of Gabriel Mathieu de Clieu next to trying to get the sandman out of my eyes that other French work of art, the Statue of and focus on the day ahead of me. As I Liberty. When the American Revolution stared into my morning elixir, I gave thanks finally got underway, it wasn’t tea or Pepsi to Gabriel Mathieu de Clieu. Who is he? that our founding fathers were slurping. you might ask. He was a French naval No, a lot of those revolutionary folks officer who in 1720 focused on bringing stayed focused and wired with coffee. So remember, focus…and salute coffee trees to his estate on the Caribbean island of Martinique. If not for de Clieu’s Gabriel Mathieu de Clieu. determination, those of us who require coffee to start our motors each day might never get up to the speed of a banana slug. At that time in history the Dutch trading empire controlled the major coffee plantations of the world and the trade routes. That’s called a monopoly, kind of like the oil companies today. Oil is the No. The voices in my head may not be real, 1 commodity in the world; coffee is No. 2. but they have some good ideas! It’s a long story, but de Clieu got some cuttings from the King of France’s coffee tree in Paris, the only coffee tree in all of Europe. (Of course, the King knew nothing of the heisted cuttings.) De Clieu set sail with his future in hand as well as everyone else’s whose JACKSON COUNTY ANIMAL SHELTER PETS OF THE MONTH Regina - #K0937 This regal cat is looking for a new kingdom. Whisp - #K1082 This girl is a 24 lbs ball of fur - and love! Spencer - #K0874 Silly, spunky, sweet. That’s Spencer. This long-hair girl loves to lay around. Pastel - #K0571 She’s got lots of pretty colors and no claws. Sally - #K0887 Adventure dog! Take this Lab home for fun. adopt volunteer donate WWW . FOTAS . ORG 774.6654 The Jackson County Animal Shelter is located at 5595 S. Pacific Hwy. 99, between Talent & Phoenix. Adoption Hours: 11-4 weekdays, Noon-4 weekends. Rachel - #K0620 LOW-COST SPAY/NEUTER COUPONS AVAILABLE www.spayneuter.org or call 541.858.3325
