14 Summer 2011 Applegater
Tall Tales from the Editor
Focus
or
Salute
I was off to town for an eye Kurt suggested we get a picture of my
exam, something I hadn’t done for, oh, I eyes—a laser-generated digital photo, to
don’t know . . . before bin Laden became be exact. That way, we’d have a baseline
America’s most wanted, but after the to see how healthy or sickly my eyes were
embarrassing debacle with Florida and the in the future.
Tiffany was the assistant who set
2000 presidential election.
My canine friend, Barney McGee, me up for the photos. She explained that,
was jumping around the back seat of my one eye at a time, I was to look into this
green Ram pickup with a little more gusto large, metal box—an “optomap” that was
than normal. He always gets excited when hooked up to a computer. I was to look
I say, “Hey, Monster Boy, do you wanna straight at this small green spot, move my
go for a ride?” The word “go” makes him head around until I could see a red circle
focus on one of his favorite pastimes, kind going around the green spot. I was then
of like I do when I hear the words “ice to tell Tiffany when I had everything lined
up, focus straight ahead with eyes as wide
cream” or “girls.”
These days I have to strap McGee open as I could, and she’d snap the picture.
“You blinked again, J.D.,” she’d
into the seat belt. I never would have
thought I’d resort to such a thing, but say. Just like in the seventh grade, I would
I never had a dog who wanted to race take the test “over and over” again. Didn’t
oncoming cars from the back seat, either. the British band The Dave Clark Five have
I’m told that the doggie seat belt is a song by that title?
Finally, Tiffany had to tape my
an important safety factor for your pooch.
Just like for humans, a belt will keep your eyelid wide open. I never would have
dog from going through the windshield if thought I would have found taped eyelids
a quick stop is necessary or you run into so pleasurable. “Ooh, I like this taped
something. In McGee’s case, it also keeps eyelid,” I muttered as I looked into the
him in the back seat as opposed to trying optomap again. Flash! A bright green
light lit up my brain
to push me out of the
and she said, “We
driver’s seat so he can
hen i removed the tape,
got it. Let’s tape the
size up an oncoming
it didn’t remove my
other eyelid.” Hmm,
vehicle to see if it’s
eyebrows like, say, a wax job
I’m going to have to
worth his time to race
would. that was a good thing…
talk to my bride Sioux
them from inside my
about the pleasures of
truck.
I know I could strap him in the eyelid taping.
When I removed the tape, it
truck bed, but I like talking to McGee.
He’s usually very agreeable with me. That didn’t remove my eyebrows like, say, a
is, until he spots an oncoming vehicle of wax job would. That was a good thing,
because Tiffany pointed out that they’d
his liking.
For my eye exam, I went to have to charge extra for custom-designed
my neighbor, Kurt Wilkening, O.D., at eyebrows.
When Kurt showed me the
Eyecare Associates in Medford. This was
my first exam by Kurt; I thought if I was digital photos on his computer screen, I
going to need to learn braille, I wanted to was reminded of an old black light poster.
You could see everything: blood vessels,
hear it from someone I knew.
I was focused on eliminating arteries, optic nerve, etc. Kurt pointed out
things that might be contributing to my that there was no plaque buildup in my eye
migraine headaches that seem to be never- arteries; in fact, my optic nerve looked as
ending since the radiation treatment I had healthy as a 16-year-old.
“Right on,” I said. Finally—
for my reoccurring prostate cancer earlier
this year. My eyes seemed like a good place something that wasn’t falling apart or listed
as a recall flaw on my 1951 body.
to focus on first.
“This is totally cool,” I told Kurt.
I zipped right through the
first part of the eye exam with much “Upper management (my bride Sioux)
better results than I had received zipping has told me often that I have the mind of
through my school exams at Avon High in a twelve-year-old, and now you tell me I
Indiana. I wasn’t sure if my buddy Marty have the optic nerve of a 16-year-old. Well,
“Chickslayer” Wilson and I would ever that must explain the girl-watching. And
graduate from study hall. Neither of us with the State handing me a driver license
had much of a focus on school—except and telling me I could buy beer legally, I
for girls, becoming rock stars, and more think it’s now clear, even to my pubescent
girls. You might need to add girls a few mind, why I get into so much trouble.”
Kurt wanted to know if he could
more times to get the real picture.
Anyway, back to my eye exam… ride along in the back seat. Scoot over,
W
Barney McGee. (I’m sure he would love future included addiction to caffeine.
to share his back-seat seat belt with Kurt.) (Did you know that around 90 percent
But wait—let me focus on this of Americans consume caffeine in some
scenario for a minute: Do you think a form or another?)
After five years, de Clieu’s one
judge would buy this as my defense for
some sort of rule infraction I may or may surviving coffee tree had yielded 2,000
not have committed? “Your honor, I new coffee trees. He then sent seeds to
should be tried as a juvenile because I have other French colonies and, eventually, the
the mind of a 12-year-old and the optic Dutch monopoly was broken. That meant
nerve of a 16-year-old. I just can’t explain that the average person could afford to
drink lots of coffee and focus on the day
the graying hair or all the wrinkles.”
The next morning, I was sitting on ahead of them.
I’m surprised that we don’t have a
the couch in our living room sucking down
my second very large cup of coffee. I was statue of Gabriel Mathieu de Clieu next to
trying to get the sandman out of my eyes that other French work of art, the Statue of
and focus on the day ahead of me. As I Liberty. When the American Revolution
stared into my morning elixir, I gave thanks finally got underway, it wasn’t tea or Pepsi
to Gabriel Mathieu de Clieu. Who is he? that our founding fathers were slurping.
you might ask. He was a French naval No, a lot of those revolutionary folks
officer who in 1720 focused on bringing stayed focused and wired with coffee.
So remember, focus…and salute
coffee trees to his estate on the Caribbean
island of Martinique. If not for de Clieu’s Gabriel Mathieu de Clieu.
determination, those of us who require
coffee to start our motors each day might
never get up to the speed of a banana slug.
At that time in history the Dutch
trading empire controlled the major coffee
plantations of the world and the trade
routes. That’s called a monopoly, kind of
like the oil companies today. Oil is the No. The voices in my head may not be real,
1 commodity in the world; coffee is No. 2. but they have some good ideas!
It’s a long story,
but de Clieu got some
cuttings from the King
of France’s coffee tree
in Paris, the only coffee
tree in all of Europe.
(Of course, the King
knew nothing of the
heisted cuttings.) De
Clieu set sail with his
future in hand as well
as everyone else’s whose
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