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About The Clackamas print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1989-2019 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 31, 2012)
g PRINT: Self-Help Wednesday, Oct 31,2012 For those who bloody suck at quitting ChristopherTaylor . Arts & Culture Editor H ave you ever w ondered w hat it w ould be like to not be a predator anym ore? To not drink anyone’s blood? H ave centuries o f habit gotten you to a point w here you can ’t stand looking in the m irror? L ook no further; y our salvation is at hand. V.A. - Vam pires A nonym ous - m eetings have officially found a hom e on cam pus. Your path to rehab starts now. “ I founded this group w ith the intention o f helping others overcom e the issues I ’ve experi enced after 1,000 years o f being a creature o f not only the night, but o f habit,” said group found er and Senior C hairm an C arlyle V anderG lide. “I couldn’t stand w ho — no, w hat - I ’d becom e, and it w as tim e to change for the better. M urder takes its toll on y our soul.” T he core fu n c tio n o f the group is to- help oth er vam pires overcom e their habitual dietary needs and substitute them w ith a healthy alternative, w hile provid ing a m utual support group to help them through the rough tran sitions and hold them account able. “I had decided enough w as enough. I ’d gotten to the point w h e re I h a d fo rsa k en even the bonds o f fam ily and liter ally drained m y cousin at our fam ily re u n io n ,” said Sam uel Fredrickson, group v eteran and success story. “Talk about a seri ous fiasco am ongst m y fam ily.” Fredrickson jo in e d the group right after these events and has been clean for the past tw o years. B ut the p ath h a sn ’t been easy. T here w ere tense m om ents, ill ness from w ithdraw als and close calls w ith relapses. “T here w ere tim es w here I w ent through serious w ithdraw als and once or tw ice cam e close to sinking m y teeth into a fresh, pulsing neck. B ut th en I rem em bered th at I m ade an oath to abstain, and I had good friends to hold m e accountable,” said Fredrickson. “I t’s the b e st feeling in the w orld to know there are those to support you.” U nfortunately, not all m em bers are as strong or as far along as Fredrickson. F or instance, new g ro u p m em b e r S carlett-R o se W ilder has only been in the p ro gram for tw o w eeks and has been feeling the effects to the p oint o f w here she declined an in person interview , so as to avoid tem pta tion. “M y thirst has set m y insides on fire,” stated W ilder in an em ail. “B u t after I k ille d m y se v e n th husband due to m y u n q uenchable thirst, I d e cid ed I ’d had enough and need to change i f I ever w ant to b e happy for the rest o f eternity.” Indeed, m any vam pires have endured countless trials and m ore th an their fair share o f sorrow s. T h ey ’ve h a d -n o w ay to end it other th an finding the nearest hunter and begging or prom pting them to end their suffering. “ These are not desirable out com es,” said V anderG ilde. “O ur goal is to assess the situation, for m ulate a plan to help you achieve your goals, and th en help you stick to them .” So i f y o u are a vam pire on the run, in hiding and are in need o f rehab, y o u are cordially invited attend the once a w eek m eet ings in M cL oughlin H all at tfie m o o n ’s peak. B ring yo u r friends, bring som e food and enjoy the com pany o f your fellow addicts. Please d o n ’t bring your, m ortal friends, o r th ey m ay becom e the entree. Ex-vampire ministry courts controversy Chris Morrow The Clackamas Print P a sto r Sim on G arfunkle Belmont, 46, is the executive direc tor of the “Whip The Vamp Out” M i w io tfy -tw id R e tr e a t, lo c a t e d in see them again and be w ith them the w ay I could before, before they found out w hat 1 am.” Several ex-participants in “W hip The Vamp Out” have come forth w ith allegations that Belm ont and other m em bers o f his staff are guilty o f im proper conduct. ity by his adoptive parents after a living person and press our faces against their necks, deliberately trying to entice us to bite, then those fangteasers pull us aw ay and start flogging us w ith their whips until w e cry bloody tears, or pour bottles o f holy w ater out onto our heads!” H e said. “It sucks here, I - f e l l o w m e m b e r o f h is y o u t h g r o u p —want to go home and-wateh True — “Mr. Belmont asked that I come Blood,” Joachim A rm ster, w ho is rum ored to be m ore than 2,000 years old, is one o f m any ancient as well as new ly turned vampires attending the retreat willingly. He has hopes o f m aking a genuine transition to a m ore socially accept able existence. “I am tired o f being treated like a monster. W hatever it takes to becom e hum an again, I will do it,” said Armster. “I don’t m ind doing w hat Simon says. I m iss m y friends and family and I w ant to be able to to his office, alone. W hen I got there, he locked the door, pulled dow n his clerical collar and asked m e if I w anted ‘a taste,’ w hen I said that I did not, he called m e a liar and threw a dagger that w as on his desk at m e then told m e to get out,” said a source w ho wishes to rem ain anonymous. B elm ont vehem ently denies the allegations. “I’m a m an o f purity and chas tity, a good-hearted m an w ho is being vilified for telling the truth and trying to help these tortured souls change,” he said. “I ’m not surprised there are those w ho are angry about it, and would tiy to slander m e.” This isn’t the first tim e con troversy has befallen Belm ont. E lizabeth Bartley, a 1,423 year old vam pire, w ho attended the retreat last summer, w as stabbed through the heart w ith a w ooden stake by John M orris, a m em ber o f B elm ont’s staff and a personal associate. unlives is completely all in their heads. I ’m ju st doing m y part as a holy m an to bring them back to the light and the truth, any way that I can.” A lucard Tepes, who is 1,632 years old, w as enrolled in the facil Oregon City. He is a member o f accused him o f trying to ‘glamour’ the Brotherhood o f L ight church and proclaim s that w ith “the power o f religion,” the undead can fight their bloodlust, rid them selves o f all vampiric tendencies and even tually “becom e norm al, functional m em bers o f society.” “Vampires aren’t bom , they’re persuaded or forced into that unlife style by other vampires. W ith the right m otivation they can change ju st like any drug addict,” said Belmont. “Their so-called ‘need’ for blood to continue their unholy him. Tepes describes the activities that routinely take place during the retreats. * “A t five in the m orning they drag us out into the gym nasium under bright lights, like the kind at baseball fields, then the staff pull out Bibles on ropes, whirling them around in circles like an aboriginal bull-roarer and hitting as m any o f us as they c a n w ith them ,” said Tepes. “Then com e the ‘trust’ exer cises. They stand us in front o f a B artley’s adoptive m other, Hazel Bartley, has begun legal proceedings to file a w rongful death suit against B elm ont and his staff. She explained through a cascade o f tears w hat her daughter had gone through. “I wanted to help Eliza, not have her m urdered,” said Bartley. “This so-called holy m an trains m urderers and sadists. They killed m y Eliza like she w as nothing m ore than an enem y character in a dam n video game!” Bartley has started a support group for Parents o f Vampires and is attempting, to push for legislation that would require organizations such as W hip The Vamp O ut to have security cam eras that w ould m onitor activity by staff and par ticipants alike, som ething Belm ont is vehem ently against— referring to it as an “invasion o f privacy” and a “conspiracy by the vam pire sym pathizers.” “W hy does the governm ent n e e d to know w hat goes on in m y buildings? This is all the fault o f President O sam a Tezuka or w hat ever his blasted nam e is! Ever since he started talking about giv ing protections to vam pires and m aking laws against ‘hate speech,’ people like m e have been hav ing a harder and harder time, it’s getting to be so a guy can’t even perform an exorcism anym ore!” said Belmont. B r e s t U nd e U É .Sand w ich es * E spresso ♦ Sm oothies (S h i ’ F u strie »»C o ffee OPEN T u esd ay- j jjf ljl 7 a m -8 p m H ttu rd ay IHutt-Opm Executive director o f the "Whip the iamp O ut’’ Ministry and Retreat, Pastor Simon Garfunkle Belmont delivers a fiery sermon. He works hard to change his audience’s very nature in the hopes o f releasing normal human citizens from their demented vampiric souls. PI5CLAIMEC?: « - W W 19673-C M olalla Ave O regon City, OR 97045<„ 503.518.0110 ww.justabitecafe.œm f j Ukc >■* on Kwebçdg Loeal D elivery Available HOPE y o u ENJOYEI7 our SPECIAL EDITION, HAPPY HALLOWEEN fro m the STAFF OF THE ¡CLACKAMAS PRINT/
