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PRINT: Self-Help
Wednesday, Oct 31,2012
For those who bloody
suck at quitting
ChristopherTaylor
. Arts & Culture Editor
H ave you ever w ondered w hat
it w ould be like to not be a
predator anym ore? To not drink
anyone’s blood? H ave centuries
o f habit gotten you to a point
w here you can ’t stand looking
in the m irror? L ook no further;
y our salvation is at hand. V.A. -
Vam pires A nonym ous - m eetings
have officially found a hom e on
cam pus. Your path to rehab starts
now.
“ I founded this group w ith
the intention o f helping others
overcom e the issues I ’ve experi
enced after 1,000 years o f being
a creature o f not only the night,
but o f habit,” said group found
er and Senior C hairm an C arlyle
V anderG lide. “I couldn’t stand
w ho — no, w hat - I ’d becom e,
and it w as tim e to change for the
better. M urder takes its toll on
y our soul.”
T he core fu n c tio n o f the
group is to- help oth er vam pires
overcom e their habitual dietary
needs and substitute them w ith a
healthy alternative, w hile provid
ing a m utual support group to
help them through the rough tran
sitions and hold them account
able.
“I had decided enough w as
enough. I ’d gotten to the point
w h e re I h a d fo rsa k en even
the bonds o f fam ily and liter
ally drained m y cousin at our
fam ily re u n io n ,” said Sam uel
Fredrickson, group v eteran and
success story. “Talk about a seri
ous fiasco am ongst m y fam ily.”
Fredrickson jo in e d the group
right after these events and has
been clean for the past tw o years.
B ut the p ath h a sn ’t been easy.
T here w ere tense m om ents, ill
ness from w ithdraw als and close
calls w ith relapses.
“T here w ere tim es w here I
w ent through serious w ithdraw
als and once or tw ice cam e close
to sinking m y teeth into a fresh,
pulsing neck. B ut th en I rem em
bered th at I m ade an oath to
abstain, and I had good friends
to hold m e accountable,” said
Fredrickson. “I t’s the b e st feeling
in the w orld to know there are
those to support you.”
U nfortunately, not all m em
bers are as strong or as far along
as Fredrickson. F or instance, new
g ro u p m em b e r S carlett-R o se
W ilder has only been in the p ro
gram for tw o w eeks and has been
feeling the effects to the p oint o f
w here she declined an in person
interview , so as to avoid tem pta
tion.
“M y thirst has set
m y insides on fire,”
stated W ilder in an
em ail. “B u t after I
k ille d m y se v e n th
husband due to m y
u n q uenchable thirst,
I d e cid ed I ’d had
enough and need to
change i f I ever w ant
to b e happy for the
rest o f eternity.”
Indeed, m any vam pires have
endured countless trials and m ore
th an their fair share o f sorrow s.
T h ey ’ve h a d -n o w ay to end it
other th an finding the nearest
hunter and begging or prom pting
them to end their suffering.
“ These are not desirable out
com es,” said V anderG ilde. “O ur
goal is to assess the situation, for
m ulate a plan to help you achieve
your goals, and th en help you
stick to them .”
So i f y o u are a vam pire on the
run, in hiding and are in need o f
rehab, y o u are cordially invited
attend the once a w eek m eet
ings in M cL oughlin H all at tfie
m o o n ’s peak. B ring yo u r friends,
bring som e food and enjoy the
com pany o f your fellow addicts.
Please d o n ’t bring your, m ortal
friends, o r th ey m ay becom e the
entree.
Ex-vampire ministry courts controversy
Chris Morrow
The Clackamas Print
P a sto r
Sim on
G arfunkle
Belmont, 46, is the executive direc
tor of the “Whip The Vamp Out”
M i w io tfy -tw id R e tr e a t, lo c a t e d in
see them again and be w ith them
the w ay I could before, before they
found out w hat 1 am.”
Several ex-participants
in
“W hip The Vamp Out” have come
forth w ith allegations that Belm ont
and other m em bers o f his staff are
guilty o f im proper conduct.
ity by his adoptive parents after a
living person and press our faces
against their necks, deliberately
trying to entice us to bite, then
those fangteasers pull us aw ay and
start flogging us w ith their whips
until w e cry bloody tears, or pour
bottles o f holy w ater out onto our
heads!” H e said. “It sucks here, I
- f e l l o w m e m b e r o f h is y o u t h g r o u p
—want to go home and-wateh True
— “Mr. Belmont asked that I come
Blood,”
Joachim A rm ster, w ho is
rum ored to be m ore than 2,000
years old, is one o f m any ancient
as well as new ly turned vampires
attending the retreat willingly. He
has hopes o f m aking a genuine
transition to a m ore socially accept
able existence.
“I am tired o f being treated like
a monster. W hatever it takes to
becom e hum an again, I will do it,”
said Armster. “I don’t m ind doing
w hat Simon says. I m iss m y friends
and family and I w ant to be able to
to his office, alone. W hen I got
there, he locked the door, pulled
dow n his clerical collar and asked
m e if I w anted ‘a taste,’ w hen I said
that I did not, he called m e a liar
and threw a dagger that w as on his
desk at m e then told m e to get out,”
said a source w ho wishes to rem ain
anonymous.
B elm ont vehem ently denies the
allegations.
“I’m a m an o f purity and chas
tity, a good-hearted m an w ho is
being vilified for telling the truth
and trying to help these tortured
souls change,” he said. “I ’m not
surprised there are those w ho are
angry about it, and would tiy to
slander m e.”
This isn’t the first tim e con
troversy has befallen Belm ont.
E lizabeth Bartley, a 1,423 year
old vam pire, w ho attended the
retreat last summer, w as stabbed
through the heart w ith a w ooden
stake by John M orris, a m em ber
o f B elm ont’s staff and a personal
associate.
unlives is completely all in their
heads. I ’m ju st doing m y part as
a holy m an to bring them back to
the light and the truth, any way
that I can.”
A lucard Tepes, who is 1,632
years old, w as enrolled in the facil
Oregon City. He is a member o f
accused him o f trying to ‘glamour’
the Brotherhood o f L ight church
and proclaim s that w ith “the power
o f religion,” the undead can fight
their bloodlust, rid them selves o f
all vampiric tendencies and even
tually “becom e norm al, functional
m em bers o f society.”
“Vampires aren’t bom , they’re
persuaded or forced into that unlife
style by other vampires. W ith the
right m otivation they can change
ju st like any drug addict,” said
Belmont. “Their so-called ‘need’
for blood to continue their unholy
him. Tepes describes the activities
that routinely take place during the
retreats.
*
“A t five in the m orning they
drag us out into the gym nasium
under bright lights, like the kind at
baseball fields, then the staff pull
out Bibles on ropes, whirling them
around in circles like an aboriginal
bull-roarer and hitting as m any o f
us as they c a n w ith them ,” said
Tepes.
“Then com e the ‘trust’ exer
cises. They stand us in front o f a
B artley’s adoptive m other,
Hazel Bartley, has begun legal
proceedings to file a w rongful
death suit against B elm ont and
his staff. She explained through a
cascade o f tears w hat her daughter
had gone through.
“I wanted to help Eliza, not
have her m urdered,” said Bartley.
“This so-called holy m an trains
m urderers and sadists. They killed
m y Eliza like she w as nothing
m ore than an enem y character in a
dam n video game!”
Bartley has started a support
group for Parents o f Vampires and
is attempting, to push for legislation
that would require organizations
such as W hip The Vamp O ut to
have security cam eras that w ould
m onitor activity by staff and par
ticipants alike, som ething Belm ont
is vehem ently against— referring
to it as an “invasion o f privacy”
and a “conspiracy by the vam pire
sym pathizers.”
“W hy does the governm ent
n e e d to know w hat goes on in m y
buildings? This is all the fault o f
President O sam a Tezuka or w hat
ever his blasted nam e is! Ever
since he started talking about giv
ing protections to vam pires and
m aking laws against ‘hate speech,’
people like m e have been hav
ing a harder and harder time, it’s
getting to be so a guy can’t even
perform an exorcism anym ore!”
said Belmont.
B r e s t U nd e U É .Sand w ich es
* E spresso ♦ Sm oothies
(S h i ’ F u strie »»C o ffee
OPEN
T u esd ay-
j jjf ljl
7 a m -8 p m
H ttu rd ay
IHutt-Opm
Executive director o f the "Whip the iamp O ut’’ Ministry and Retreat, Pastor Simon Garfunkle Belmont delivers a
fiery sermon. He works hard to change his audience’s very nature in the hopes o f releasing normal human citizens
from their demented vampiric souls.
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